James Bond (character)
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Bond, James Bond 007 (born Ian 'Bob' Fleming) is an ultra-suave British secret agent - formerly secret, anyway. Bond is noted for his love of martinis (stirred, not shaken), women (shaken, not stirred), cars (taken not stirred), for the bionic weapons built into his body (activated with the phrase "Go-Go Gadget Spoon", for example) and for his signature greeting which goes: "Bond, James Bond". It is sometimes falsely believed that his first name is James, however this is actually his middle name; Bond being both his first and last name.It has recently been revealed that Bond is in fact a Time Lord, which explains his constant face changing, as whenever He dies, he regenerates. Also, for a secret agent, everyone in the world knows who he is at first glance. The original James Bond book was written as a parody of Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.
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[edit] Books
James Bond came into existence when Ian Phlegming published his first Bond novel Casino Royale with Cheese Served Upside Down. Ian Flaming published several other novels but of course, no one cares about the stupid books. It is the films that made Bond a household name. (See also Cillit Bang). He is descended from Victorian (or Elizabethan, I'm not entirely sure which) secret agent, Mister Darcy.
[edit] Movies
In 1961 Albert Broccoli and Barry Asparagus (aka the Chuckle Brothers) decided to produce the James Bond film series with permission from Ian Plumbing. They scoured all over the universe for an unsuitable James Bond until they found a suitable one, Shorn Canary. He starred in the first five James Bond movies, all adaptations of books, before he was given the lethal injection for having stared in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
In 1969 a new James Bond movie was announced by the name of On Top of Her Majesty, Secret Service, a documentary following an normal week of the "real" James Bond. However George Lazenby was hated by the public, who threw tomatoes at him every time they saw him, so he cut down by a lumberjack and made into a table and chairs, which now sit in Jesus Christ's office. For their next James Bond movie, Albert and Barry brought Canary back to life for one more movie, Diamonds Are Almost Forever (after the movie closed production he was once again given the lethal injection).
In 1973 a new James Bond took over, Roger More. Roger was actually drafted into the role as part of witness protection and had no prior experience of acting. More starred in the next six James Bond movies, and by The View Over The Hill he was extremely old and he in fact fell apart straight after filming.
It took eight years to propionate a new James Bond to come forward (ha ha, innuendo) and since every previous James Bond actor had been killed in some ghastly way, there weren't many actors who wanted to play the character. Eventually they found Prince Barin, who starred in two more films before being killed in an elephant stampede. In 1995, eight years since the most recent movie (at the time), License To Smell a new Bond film, was released, starring Pierced Brosmum. He starred in four more movies, the last being To Die Yet Another Way. Ironically, days after finishing the shooting, he was assassinated by some random hater, and died in a different way than the other Bond actors.
After Brosnan's death, rumors spread across the Internet like old kippers of who would be the next Bond. Names like Oscar Wilde, Bea Arthur and thingumajig. You know, that guy from the sci-fi show. Not the main one, the other one. No not the one with the beard. Oh, forget it! were fan favorites. The producers remained silent for over a year, choosing instead to talk about the next James Bond car and soap dispenser.
On October 14, 2004 a new James Bond was selected, after they had got the list down to three. They picked Barry White over the other two top picks, Mel Brooks and Ashlee Simpson. However, Barry White was considered "too black for Bond", therefore EON gave him the boot. Finally, on November 16, 2006, they decided to cast Daniel Craig David as Bond. The resulting film, Casino Royale With Cheese (It's Because of the Metric System), was released on November 22, 2006.
[edit] The new Bond
On November 22, 2006, Casino Royale with Cheese Served Upside Down debuted. Tabloids commented on the new Bond with slogans such as "British Film Budget Running Low". However, in keeping with action movie 20 second drownings, Daniel Craig drowned the trash talkers in various public restrooms devoid of patrons (as usual), and is now currently basking in the light of a self-imposed critical praise. Controversy plagued his short lived career however as he was found naked in a toll booth covering his genitalia with a strip of masking tape (a very LONG strip of masking tape) and reciting verses from the popular hit single by John Mayer, "my balls are too small, please, please - OH please, cut-em off..."...this was not the main issue however. The police had found out that the new "bond" had a preoccupation with mugging drivers parked on highway restareas, or in fact, performing sexual acts on their unconcious bodies. Such issues were not proven with hard evidence, yet Bond admitted to being guilty of all charges (including 3 acts of arson...it's a long story, he basically set fire to about 3 different burger king chains in south daktoa..........and 4 sexual misdemeanors - TOOOOO graphic to get into)...
His ability to walk through walls had helped him through many predicaments, and it did not fail once again once in incarceration. There is speculation in fact that he may indeed be one of the efamed X-men, however hard evidence yet again is what is keeping senetor Kelly from taking any hard action against the "MI6 agent".
The "New James Bond"...or as he likes to call himself..."NJB" for short, has been married approximately 17 times, and is wanted in 42 states for various acts of bigammy and torture... torture being high up on the list, it must be understood why NJB did what he did... following HORRIFIC testicular injuries, NJB was angry not at the man who committed the attrocity, but at the WORLD... those who had balls, he hated... so therefore, he went on a seven month rape/killing spree and is wanted now 4 11 deaths and 2 acts of dentophelia
[edit] The future of the Bond series
In November of 2008, the 22nd official Bond film will be released, entitled Bond: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of England. Though details on the plot are sketchy, the producers are acknowledging that Bond will "track a dangerous villain from England to America," "gain cultural feedback from various Americans about how to be a gentleman," and "make sexy time with many homosexuals."
The writers have also acknowledged the filming of a brutal fight sequence involving a naked Bond and Larry King which takes place at a Marriot in L.A. The filmmakers are hoping this will be the darkest and most realistic Bond film yet.
Where the series is going from here, no one is certain, but many rumors have been generated. One notable one is that by the next film, James Bond will be gay, and "bond girls" will be replaced with "bond guys". Another rumor is that, in promotion of conservation of the environment, Bond's car will be a hybrid Honda Civic in future films.
[edit] List of Bond films
- Dr. No To Drugs (1962)
- From Russia With All Kinds of Cool Shit (1964)
- Goldfingered (1964)
- Thunderballs (1965)
- You Only Came Twice? (1967)
- On Her Majesty's Even More Secret "Service" (1969)
- Diamonds r 4 Eva (1971)
- Live and Let McCartney Die (1973)
- The Man with the Golden Runs (1974)
- The Spy Who Just Never Loved Me ('cos I have a funny penis) (1977)
- Moonraper (1979)
- For Your Cyclopic Eye Only (1981)
- Never Say Never Say Never Again Again in case you didn't already see Thunderball (1983)
- A View with a Room (1985)
- The Dying Nightlights (1987)
- License To Grill (1989)
- My Goldeneye is Attracted to your Goldenboobs (1995)
- Tomorrow Never Lives On, Apparently (1997)
- The World Is Quite Enough, Thank You (1999)
- Die Another Afternoon (2003)
- Casino Royale With Cheese (Damn Metric System) (2006)
- Bond: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of England (2007)
- Quantum Leap without Solitude (2008)
- 007 in I am too old for this, please let me retire (2012)
- 007: Hell is Fucking Hot (afterlife)
[edit] Gadgets
Bond, James Bond is well known for using advanced gadgets provided to him by M16's armorer, known only as B (Betty Boothroyd). Such gadgets include:
- Inflatible Pants
- The Batmobile
- Russell Crowe's trousers
- Richard Nixon mask
- Gaydar
- A Soviet officer's uniform for the famous MI6 Halloween bash of '84
- A Soviet Colonel's uniform complete with Makarov pistol for those yearly vodka parties at the Kremlin(used as well for those get in/get out missions)
- Gorilla suit complete with bannana grenades (used to apparently evade enemies)
- A Snickers bar to satisfy Bond's hunger
- BFGs
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- MI6 Forums
- Absolutely James Bond 007 - Post anything here whether Bond or non-Bond related!
