Bono

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“We've got a runner”

~ Irish Tax Office on Bono

“I might as well be God himself”

~ Bono on Bono

“He was a decent shag once but there were too many refugees watching for it to have been enjoyable.”

~ Cher on On that delightfully retarded hypocrite cunt Bono

“Who?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bono

“The simple truth is that you cannot spell 'Bono' without 'cunt'”

~ Dwight Eisenhower

“YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!!!!”

~ Bono, every time he makes an entrance

“HALLO, HALLO?!”

~ Bono, when he answers the phone

“I am the Walrus! Koo koo ka-choo!”

~ Bono, singing that song wrong.

“And the Jews, I hate the Jews.”

~ Bono on Jews.

“I'd like an order of eggs... hm, what's that? Oh, easy over. Yes, with bacon. Yeah, that'd be great. Sausages too. Forgot to mention that, sorry. Can I check to see if you wrote everything down? What? Oh, I said, can I check to see if you wrote all that down? Thank you, okay, great it's all there. Alright thanks.”

~ Bono, ordering breakfast, because he's too much of a douche to fuck off and eat at home, while enjoying his wealth

'Bono or Cocko or Bonio (formerly known as Boner or to his fans as "Bum note" or "Bollock voiced"), is the phallic shaped object that fronts for the Irish rock band U2 and a famous brand of dog biscuit. Bono holds the record for the largest amount of ego absorbed into the human body. In fact, if you approach Bono too closely, you will 'ding' your head on Bono's ego. This serves as a primitive defense mechanism for the creature, as well as serves a method of attracting large obese females during mating season. Reports have stated large numbers of hippo-oriented women have suffered from Bono's shrill mating call, which is exemplified on modern alternative rock radio.

The series is quite popular in countries that have people, such as America, Ireland, and Western Antarctica. His real name is Paul Hewson, although it was destroyed and rearranged in a radioactive experiment. For a time, he was known as Asuka Langley Soryu Bush.

He is believed to be the one only and true son of the flying spaghetti monster. There are some who believe that Bono fathered Paul O'Connell, or that he was fathered BY Paul O'Connell. A mate of mine affirms that Bono was both fathered by AND did father O'Connell. The name 'Paul,' though, obviously holds some attraction for him as his dowdy middle-aged alter-(giant)ego is Paul Muldoon.

Bono is known to some as to as "the human fly" as the resemblance is uncanny. He is known to others as the coolest superhero in comic-book history. For years, he held the record for taking the biggest crap ever, until an expose on South Park revealed that he was not the record holder but the record itself. This clarified his childhood name, "Number 2", and why he always has to be Number 1. "I've always wondered how someone can act so great and seem like such a piece of shit," remarked Stan.

Bono is also known to be the world record for the biggest shit. This is why he may seem to do so many good things, and still act like a piece of shit.

Bono has exceeded all his own expectations in life, finally achieving his prised goal of disappearing up his own arsehole Which occurred sometime between "The Joshua Tree" and the "Actung Baby" Albums. This allows him to miraculously appear in photographs with leading politicians to look as if he gives a shit about africa and to either eat shit as a fully fledged fly or pretend to be mestopholes' bell-end. The Edge is so called as frequently he has to Edge towards Bono's rim and pull him out to play gigs.

Contents 1 Bonography 2 Supporting Characters 2.1 The Hedge 2.2 Saddam Clayton 2.3 The Drummer 2.3.1 Nial Harte== 3 Notable History 3.1 Poverty 4 Controversy 4.1 Bono in other languages or just pure trivia 5 Glasses 6 See Also

[edit] Bonography

Before Bono was born (NB: before the universe came into creation) he hung out with God and talked about what he would preach about and how he could eat a whole pie by himself. He had a lot of the flying spagheti monsters albums. This is where he stole his ideas for songs. Soon after he killed the last and only flying spagheti monster.it was a terible day i ate lots of him before he was boned he was buried. The discussion soon descended into an argument and a wager was made between Bono and God on who could get the most followers. God played a nasty trick and left the world free of microphones until the year 33BC. Bono then drugged Mary and pretended he was an angel to show her a get out of jail free card for her unexpected pregnancy. Jesus didn't meet Bono till he was around 9 or so and the two became mates and founded the first rock band called U1. Unfortunately most of the recorded material was lost and any record of jesus (or Jaysus as Bono liked to call him) between the age of 9 and 33 was lost.

Then Jesus started hanging out with the wrong crowd and got screwed over by one of his so called mates (believed to be a direct descendant of Bush Jr). Bono got depressed for a while and thus the dark ages came to be. Then he remembered the wager so he invented Guinness and an island of very funny alcholics with the craic thrown in. U2 was founded in 1916 and the alcoholic isle or "Ireland" got free of the britons 2 days later. His mind blowing lyrics such as "I am the sweetest thing", "who's gonna ride me like a wild horse", and "In Gods country...NOT!" soon converted people and animals alike all over the world. Since then Bono has been winning the wager. Bookies are still available to take bets but it is believed the current odds are God- 3,673,950,583:1 and Bono-0.5:1.

Bono-nanabooboo Shithead (pronounced Shih Thead) Marvlolo Gorbachev Heinrich Goldersteinburg "Bango" Vertigo Gates IV was born on September 31st, 1956 to Bill Gates and Melinda Gates. He graduated from A Real High School in Wisconsin after earning a masters degree in Rockology from the University of College. Before his musical exploits with the band U2 however, he was captured and owned by the gangster Zorba the Hutt. Here he was forced to eat the crime-lords feces until he was finally released by the infamous masked crusader, Ronald Mcdonald. His current whereabouts are unknown, as he is currently on the run from the President of the Un-tied States. Bono also has his own country, Bonopoly, which he rules as Absolute Bonarch. The official language in Bonopoly is Bongolese. Bono has used Bongolese in a lot of his songs. Maddox ranked him the worst artist of 2005, and was right on all accounts.

Recent news has revealed that he and renowned Voodoo-worshipper Oprah Winfrey plan to get married in the fall of 2007. Of course, they will need to be married in a state that allows gay marriage. Bono remarked on his relationship with Oprah, "No one's ever made me feel like this before. . .like a total fucking pussy." Bono's father, Bill Gates, commented, "Don't be so sure about that."

Oh,and he also has his own cookie in Brazil. "Yeah,Yeah,Yeah,Yeah!"~Bono, on nothing in particular.

[edit] Supporting Characters

In Bono's tag-a-long crew of fighters, U2 AKA "U who??". These include:

[edit] The Hedge

Real name "Dave Evans", The Hedge is a superhero. His super power is the ability to shoot drums out of his eyes, and to use his powerful Delay machine as a highly effective Lull-a-by. He is also used as a cannon ball, due to his extremely bald head, in episode 3.7. He is also a master of disguise. So far he has convinced the world he is a shitty talentless drummer.

[edit] Saddam Clayton

Real name "Alan". A minor character, Clayton hardly ever gets any 'lines' and usually just stands in the background looking earnest. He was a warrior monk trained by the great Oscar Wilde. He was killed off in the third season pilot episode, even though it's not a TV show. You should dislike this character, as he may be Adolf Hitler. Clayton is known for his incredible coolness, his many glasses and his banana-bass.

[edit] The Drummer

Real name unknown, The Drummer is best known for casting a ring into a mountain during a crossover series titled "The Lord of the Rings". It is generally regarded that the drummer keeps a steady diet of children and electrical sockets. The Drummer is fine.

[edit] Nial Harte==

Otherwise known as the go to boy serves as the bands sexual tool and is also Pat Kenny's illegitimate love child. Mother? A pack of wolves.

[edit] Notable History

• 1913: Bono's arrival first prophesied by a young man named Finis Jennings Dake.
• 1954: Bono dies while valiantly flying a mission over Berlin, not realizing that the airlift was six years prior.
• 1955: Bono is born, one year after his death and a full year before his birth. His reputation as a show-off begins to spread.
• 1956: Bono is born again. This was a blatant violation of the intergalactic law of the time, but nobody noticed because Ireland was still completely underground at the time. It was also the subject of the highly controversial Episode #-1, which was also responsible for introducing such apocrypha as space turtles.
• 1943: Bono decides to ride his bike into a snowfield and is found cradeling the unborn fetus of Steve tyler's unborn baby; to Mike Jagger
• 1961: The Dake Prophesies get widespread attention with first complete publication of the Dake Annotated Reference Bible
• 1964: Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. win a SAG award for remixing the theme from "The Avengers." Bono smites them both.
• 1966: Bono has trouble paying the rent; re-animates Adam and Larry.
• 1967, April 3rd: Bono's 15th Secret Nativity in the Flesh
• 1970 - 1975 The Golden Age of Bonopoly, where Bono invents lots of things (see below)
• 1972 - Bruce Lee, seeing Bono's ego threatening his death in a catastrophic explosion, makes the Sun a repository for Bono's ego. When in millions of years the Sun engulfs the solar system, it is not as a result of processing heavier elements but as Bono's ego has over-inflated. And as he kills babies.
• 1984: Adam expends the last of his three wishes, granted for releasing Sting from his imprisonment in a magic lamp, to get a #1 single for his namesake band, Steely Dan. The wish is accepted, and a song from 1980 -- "Five White Swallows" -- becomes #1 on the Billboard charts throughout 1893. Adam gives up, gets drunk, and becomes a Korean woman for seven weeks.
• 1984, attempt 2: Adam gets drunk and arranges to marry Elvis Costello, who at that time is still Elvis. The Edge consults U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Rev. Al Sharpton, Phd., Esq., Inc., who, seeing an opportunity to strike a blow to the reputation of his rival Alex "The Graham" Bell, imposes a ban on "weeks" for five weeks. This gives Larry time to set a pie trap for Elvis. The laser gun fires as expected, and the problem is solved. Adam sobers up in a local opium den.
• 1986: Bono comes out of the closet.
• 1989: Bono meets the guy that invented Jimi Hendrix and they duel for the Rights to Neptune. The other guy wins but Bono uses his incredible language skillz to persuade him to fork over Neptune. He does.
• 1991: After the inevitable success of the book "Mog on Fox Night", about a cat who goes out of the cat flap and finds lots of foxes around, Bono releases another similar book: "Bono on Fox Night", where Bono, Bob Geldof's pet escapes from the under the floorboards, and kills many foxes to sell for personal gain and more guitar equipment for his friend The Hedge.
• 1992: Bono goes back into closet. Finds his virginity.
• 1994: Bono loses his virginity (for the third time) in an incident involving The Edge, the Nazca tectonic plate and seven mutants from Chernobyl.
• 1999: Nothing happened for a while. To raise money for a new pair of sunglasses, Bono decided to release "Bono's Christmas" based around "Mog's Christmas" but with more passionate sex scenes.
• 2005: Bono offers to eliminate African debt by having sex with Nelson Mandela and eating their babies.
• 2005: Bono's ego now ifringes upon the Chinese border. It slowly begins to engulf the one Jesus left behind.
• 2026: January 30th, Bono organises a 50th Anniversary Ceremony for the events of Bloody Sunday, realises he is 4 years late and consequently decides to make it a re-enactment instead.
• Last 10 days of May: Bono seems to disappear from the face of the earth, but is actually concealed as a boil on the ass of Colin Mochrie.
• 6153: Bono comes back from an intense intergalactic splorking to rid the world of it's iJesus. Causing mass ego deflation, Bono was never seen this side of Plurium 8 again.
• Year 9765: Bono found out that he was AIDS positive because he had unprotected anal sex with Oprah Winfrey.

We'll be back after a word from our sponsors!

[edit] Poverty

Whilst traveling through Africa Bono realized his image was a bit negative. He needed a gimmick something he could try and stop. So he snuck into Africa under the cover of night and stole the entire food supply. He then split it with Bob Geldof, at the time desperate to offload trucks full of greatly hit boomtown rats, and hatched a plan. Aptly naming the following disaster poverty Bono hatched a plan with Geldof.

Bono: Listen Bob we just tell all these saps that we are crusaders for good.

Bob: Fokkin hell Bono this is fokkin genius let me take centre stage but I'll give you the profits you fokkin legend!

Bono: Sorted!

Bono and Bob's plan was set and they then hosted two concerts and made two records under the ruse that the money was "Feeding the World." To this day the whereabouts of the money is unknown but it is believed a large amount went up the Bonester's lying Irish nose.

[edit] Controversy

Bono received harsh criticism after what is referred to as the “Pancake fiasco”. After allegedly stealing 10,000 tons of fresh pancake mix from starving Africans, he then immigrated back to his native Ireland where he proceeded to racial slander Scottish people. His downfall seemed to continue after he allegedly drank another man's pint of Guiness by accident, a crime punishable by death in parts of Ireland. He escaped by hiding in a laundry basket until it blew over.

[edit] Bono in other languages or just pure trivia

• Bono was born with a tail
• Bono believes, and always will believe, he is god.
• Bono is actually the 2nd biggest piece of shit ever (80 Couric's)
• Bono is infact a girls name
• Bono is a woman's reproductive organ
• Bono is a girl
• Bono defines the meaning of the word 'wank'
• Bono defines the meaning of the phrase "Shite-headed Cock Monkey"
• Bono is the present incarnation of His Holiness, the Dalai Lama
• Bono holds the world record for hugest mullet ever.
• Bono's most recent concert appearance was his performance alongside Seamus at a Live 8 concert to combat Global boring. However, the performance was extremely boring, and actually increased global boredom by 45%. Bono has still not recovered from this embarrassing incident.
• Bono is the only person in history to be nominated to the Nobel Peace Prize For Being Bono and double-winning it.
• Bono is the Pope's favourite laxative.
• Bono wrote the infomrative book - "How to fuck small furry animals without splitting them in half" - a Canadian No.1 bestseller for 45 weeks
• Bono has the ability to kill African children by clapping his hands.
• Bono is a n00b as can be seen by rearranging the letters of his name.
• Bono can actually not take of his sunglasses- they were fused to his forehead in some freakish accident involving Ethiopians.
• Bono acquired the nickname Bono following an incident in which he froze his own faeces in a phallic shape and once frozen, used it to arouse himself anally.
• Bono is a douche bag.
• Bono is the Walrus - a goo-goo-ga-choo!
• Bono is the reincarnation of Jesus

[edit] Glasses

Image:Http://www.impostercity.com/files/detail/2577-buy.jpg

Many people have questioned Bono's glasses. Call them what you may - glasses, spectacles, goggles, googaplexes, skizokromiters, glingotoxitizers, or Specs - but it will remain the same. It has been a large mystery on what they are used for, why they look the way they do, and just why the hell he wears them all the damned time. Scholars have looked into this, and came up with the following theories:

• Bono is a "Mutant", and requires the glasses to conceal his heat-vision, for if he removes them; he will surely die.
• If one were to actually look Bono in the eyes, they would turn into shit.
• Bono is an alien sent from outer-space, who uses these glasses to look into human's emotions and deepest feelings, in order to write shitty songs about them.
• Bono is an Ethiopian in disguise, and conceals his clearly Ethiopian eyes with these shaded goggles, in order to break into government buildings and find classified information about the US Government.
• Bono is retarded and Irish, and thinks that it's cool.
• Bono is stuck in his own little slice of the 80's.

None of these theories have yet been proven, but each of them are approximately 94% Likely, except for the Alien one, which is 98% likely.

[edit] See Also

• U2
• Dake-Bonoism
• Things Bono Invented
• Make Poverty History
• How to Milk a Cash Cow
• Nobel Prize for Being Bono
• the clap
• assholenn:Bono