Boris Johnson
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“The man's a fool. Wait a minute, isn't that me?”
~ Boris Johnson on the sheer stupidity of Boris Johnson
“His hair is very... very... ”
~ Captain Understatement on Boris Johnson
“He's my fat adulterous hero!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Boris Johnson
“London is MINE! Ah. Haven't thought this through. I have nowhere to keep it.”
~ Boris Johnson on "Winning London"
“Surely he's not really an MP? Oh come on, really?? Nah, I don't believe you, you're having a laugh. Seriously???”
~ That Guy on Boris Johnson
“Looks like he just skinned a cat and put it on his head!?”
~ Some Guy on Boris Johnson's Head
![The sad truth is that 95% of this article is factual. That's his real name over there, for a start, and the bit about him being incapable of remembering his own name on Have I Got News For You is true as well [1]. Here we see a screengrab from a popular ASCII children's cartoon featuring Boris.](/wiki/Image:ASCII-Boris_johnson.jpg)
Alexander Boris de Inverted Pyramid of Pfiffle Johnson-Hyphen Johnson aka Borik Obarmy, or BoJo, former MP for Cloud Cuckoo Land, mayor of Toytown, and part time zookeeper, is a jolly good chap. A tit, but a jolly good chap none the less. He's pictured right pretending to be a hippo in an ASCII cartoon and is the self-styled Next Prime Minister of Great Britain.
Contents |
[edit] Political Affiliation
While Johnson is technically a Conservative, that hasn't alienated the left because his is a hereditary conservatism, bestowed on him his mummy and daddy, Viscount St.John Cholmondeley-Featherstonebaugh and Lady Margarita Smith-Smythe-Smith-Recurring. He doesn't really understand about politics and believes he won his election rosette for having the tidiest desk.
[edit] Ethnicity
[edit] Parents
Thai mother, Finnish father, Ashkenazi Great Grandfather, his wife is half English half Indian and their 200" TV is part Japanese and part German, lord knows where the children came from.
[edit] Ancestry
Borik 'Boris' Obarmy has revealed that he has traced his ancestry to humble slaves.
“So much for people who claim that I am some kind of stuck-up toff, what?”
~ Boris Johnson on Boris Johnson
He has has recently discovered, just in time for the election, that his great-grandmother Mrs Ludmilla Obarmy was a Greek slave sold by Ottoman Turks to a wealthy Turkish merchant 'Kenite the Red' and transported to America in the cramped cargo hold of a bendy bus to deliver speeches which will embarrass Arnold Schwarzenegger. There were some emotional scenes with Obarmy weeping into his top-hat as he sang 'set my people free' backed by the privately paid gospel choir of the Turkish Orthodox Tabernacle Choir. Obarmy's discovery of his slave roots was hailed as a major breakthrough in the election campaign by daytime TV celebrity Mattew D'Ancona, who said
| Boris feels our pain. He will lead us to the promised land i.e. London |
[edit] Is Boris a Russian Gangster?
There are many reasons to believe that Boris is in fact a Russian gangster, or even a KGB agent sent during the Cold War to gather information from inside the UK government. These facts suggest that he is in fact a Russian:
- He has a Russian sounding first name and a boring run-of-the-mill English surname probably taken from a phone book.
- He has a thinly disguised deep Russian accent.
- He is barely capable of speaking English.
- He behaves in a stereotypical “British fop” manner. No real English person behaves this way; he probably got his guide to how English people are supposed to behave by watching episodes of Friends or The Simpsons.
- He became part of the ruling party of the UK during the 1980’s and yet does no obvious work within it.
- He has ridiculously blond hair which is generally associated with those Nordic types.
Is he a retired KGB agent who was fired in 1991, but decided to stay in the UK rather than going back to that shit hole Russia? We may never know.
[edit] Attractive Qualities
The main things that seem to have attracted Johnson's followers are:
- He won the Victoria Cross for saving Simon Heffer from the wrath of the Scouse (by pratting about until everyone had forgotten what was going on).
- He's a bit of a tit and likes to have many others around him, especially tits with tits.
- His hair. It is simply Boris Johnson. It can only be adequately described as 'Epic'.
- He has about a million jobs and doesn't do any of them.
- He's a good chap. You know. Chaps. And all that. Chaps stick up for chaps, what?
- He will probably fall over at some stage, which will be funny.
- He headbutts Germans in their bollocks while playing charity football. Truly emphasizing the good sportsmanship of charity sporting events and the British in general.
- His smile could burn a thousand men.
- He is the Prophet of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the greatest mortal enemy of the Crab People.
- He lights his farts.
- He hates the people of Portsmouth which is the only thing that he's right about.
- He is a beacon of hope for albinos everywhere.
- He loves a Wagon Wheel every now and then.
- He has a certain distaste for duct tape.
- He's down with the kids!
- He's down with the albinos!
- He's down with the ethnics! (that's the truth!)
- He keeps "victory cake" in a tupperware box for when he's done something particularly hard
Boris Johnson is well known for being opposed to the holding of Birthday Partys in Iraq and the creation of Shepherds Pies, which were first introduced by the Pantry of Wales amid opposition of the Welsh Conservatives under his influence. It is rumoured a secret cadre of St Andrews University students envisage a coup whereby Boris would be made Emperor of the World. No-one knows why they would want this, though they were quite drunk at the time.
Boris Johnson has, unlike most Tory politicians, never been the leader of the Conservative party. This is because he has always exceeded the hair restriction placed on prospective candidates. His most recent success was reaching the qualifying round of Junior Mastermind, choosing "Ooh, ahh. Gosh. I don't know. Bimbos?" as his subject, at the age of 37. He currently lives inside a giant shoe with 50 of his illegitimate children, all called Boris so that he can remember their names, and all fed on Wagon Wheels to keep them bouncy. Someday soon he hopes to complete a coherent sentence.
Boris is also a talented footballer, appearing in a charity match (with white boots!) and successfully tackling a German, something Philip Neville has failed to do since 1997.
Boris is a keen explorer, having recently discovered the Lost Wine Cellar of City Hall. The Cellar, which was created by Ken Livingstone in the early 15th century, contains hundreds of bottle of rare wine. Upon discovering the stash, Johnson exclaimed "Cripes! Looks like that Livingbone chap left a few Panda-Pops behind!" Boris then drank seventeen bottles of what he believed to be Panda-Pops, before announcing "Golly, those taste a bit iffy old bean". He then proceeded to to his desk and set to work as the effects of the alcohol took hold. This is possibly the reason behind a law being passed which made it illegal to be sober on public transport, although sources close to the Mayor suggest that this has been one of his policies for a while now, and showed reporters Boris's scrapbook, which had a photocopy of the Bill under the heading 'The Law What I Wrote, By Boris Johnson, 45 and a half'
[edit] Literary Career
Boris is also the editor/writer/star of the political magazine, ‘The Beano’. In 2004 it was alleged that Boris was having a passionate affair with a rival magazine writer-star, Desperate Dan. Evidently, very desperate. When accused by the press, Boris unsuccessfully attempted to enter his home, the aforementioned shoe, but was unable as he lacked the intelligence to open the door. Boris strongly denies having a child with Dan, and the appearance of a creature with a ridiculously large amount of blond hair and an incredibly chiseled jaw was simply a coincidence and said that “it’s a conceit”.
[edit] Policies
Boris' policies, or 'Boricies' are as follows:
- Banning policies
- A free party hat and a Kellogg's Cornflake kazoo for all.
- Bendy Buses
- Only those who remember to go to school have to.
- Bendy Buses
- "Policies?" What are they? Do you have a....you know, a thing that tells you what things mean? Ah that's the chap, a dictionary. Now then, policy, pol-i-cy. Doesn't this have any pictures?"
- Eternal damnation for those self-pitying scoundrels from Liverpool
- Bendy Buses
- People in Papua New Guinea are all full on missionaries! I read it once in a jolly good recipe book...now where did I put it...
- Bendy Buses
- Putting gals across the handlebars of his bike and giving them a jolly good seeing to
- Bendy Buses
- More jobs for Boris
- Bendy Buses
- Boris Buses
- Bendy Boris Buses
- Just general buses, really
- Anyone caught snickering about his hair will given a stern talking to, oh yes indeed.
- Bendy Boris' Bender Buses
- A permanent ban on boiled eggs.
- Crikey! Golly! Erm, what say you old chap?
- More Bendy buses
- Free prostate examinations (for people called Boris Johnson).
- Dope, guns, and f***ing (yes, that's fishing) in the street
- A parade of buses, each one more bendy than the last. Huzzah!
- Bring back wagon wheels
- Your mum
- More policies for the under 5's
- Replace the pigeons in Trafalgar square with pheasants.
- Bendy Buses.
- Something vaguely serious about crime.
- Lots of Boris-love for everyone.
- Bendy Buses
- Painting lots of things blue.
- Chicken McNuggets
- What the devil's the sudden obession with these bendy buses?
- Prison uniforms to be made of tweed.
- Statue of Mr Toad outside Whitehall.
- No more bendy buses! Instead, let's introduce the flexible omnibus!
- No more hair gel, it ruins the fluffy effect!
- After reviewing the evidence brought forward to him in ITV's Flood he is going to pick up the Thames Barrier, put it on top of a roof rack strategically placed atop a flexible omnibus, drive further down the river and put it there. Thus saving London from a terrible flood that is 99% CGI.
- Adultery for all.
- Teach yobs Greek and Latin, that way they won't stab each other like what happened to Julius Caesar. Whoops!
- Bendy Buses?
- Yes, Bendy Buses
[edit] Time/Space Paradox
In something which has come to be known as the "Great Boris Paradox", Boris Johnson is the only active Tory who does not disgust and inspire hatred from everyone on earth. This, it has been speculated, cannot actually be possible. Therefore proving that nothing is actually real.
[edit] Filmography
- Monkeys At The Zoo 1972
- Should Be Albino 1999
- Why Everyone Is Secretly Racist 2001
- Smackdown 2006
- It Shouldn't happen to the Tory MP of Henley-upon-Thames 2006
- Boris was in fact first choice to play Bond in casino royale but had to turn the role down due to schedule clashing
[edit] Novels
- How Slobodan Milosevic Got His Groove Back
[edit] Mayoral victory
A few minutes before midnight on the evening of 2 May 2008, Boris Johnson was confirmed as having won the London Mayor election, beating Dr. Livingstone. Following his victory, London promptly sank into the sea. No-one was quite sure how this happened, but most people believe the theories that somehow Boris either 'lost' the Thames Barrier or just 'broke' London.
[edit] Future
Boris Johnson won the role of "The Doctor" the the latest incarnation of Doctor Who, but he unfortunately became pre-occupied by a squirrel who appeared to be having sex with a large swan. It is unclear if he will return to the role, but an emergency meeting of the UN to discuss the matter has given him the firm support of the US and several key European players, though France remains opposed, believing that John Prescott is far more capable in this role.
Boris also recently announced plans to run for Mayor of Liverpool at the same time as running for mayor of London, saying "I....I...I..Believe, that, er..the thieving scumbags of Liverpool could use a man like me to...er....to bring Britain back from this torrent of New Labour....and my drug....what's my policy on drugs again?" Despite this speech being well-recieved by most of Britain, Boris still lacks by 10% in a recent opinion poll placing him against dead comic Tommy Cooper.
[edit] Hair
When the new London 2012 Olympics logo was unveiled, some politicians complained that it looked like Boris Johnson's hair. Boris replied with "You can say what you want about my hairstyle but at least it has not yet induced epilepsy. And it cost considerably less than £400,000 to design." Also, Boris' hair is blond, not bright pink like the completely fucktarded Olympics logo that looks like a small child has puked Sunny Delight all over a broken puzzle.
In a bid to reverse climate change, Johnson recently unveiled plans to cut off locks of his hair and exploit it's natural luminessence by using it to light up central Hull at night, thus cutting the cities carbon footprint by an estimated 300%.
Boris also regularly donates locks of hair to the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Baldies).
Occasionally, Barnaby, as the hair had been named, manages to free itself from Johnson's scalp and run amok in Liverpool, enraging locals.
[edit] Have I Got News For You
Boris Johnson has appeared on the satirical TV show "Have I Got News For You" as a guest host 218 borizillion times. He always spends the entire show getting all the questions muddled up and then saying to the camera, "Oh I say, I forgot to comb my hair, I'm such a twit but don't you love me. Oops, I meant twat! Sorry. I get my twits and twats muddled up."
He lost a Mastermind spoof on one memorable episode, ending up with zero points and was incapable of answering the question put forward by Angus Deayton: "what is your full name?". Although he made up for this by receiving a mobile phone call in that same episode, the first guest to have received a phone call at that time and to this day.
Famously in 1972 he hosted an episode which took 6 months and 2 days to film, due to the constant need to do retakes. It cost the BBC £123,200 to make this one episode as they needed to put the audience up in hotel rooms.
[edit] See also
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