Birth
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 Danger: It's dangerous to be born, you will end up dead!
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“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! FUCKING HELL!â€
~ A woman on Giving Birth
Birth is a highly complex medical procedure that was developed in 1963 as an alternative form of human reproduction. It is a symptom of the STD baby.
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[edit] How birth works
To initiate the process, Daddy sexes Mommy (which is known euphemistically as the birds getting it on with the bees (or vice versa)). The next day, Mommy gets a tiny little lumpy bumpy lump deep inside her tummy, which then begins to grow at a hyperexponential rate until it gets really really big. When Mommy thinks her tummy has gotten big enough, she is rushed immediately to the baby hospital in a ambulance with flashing red lights (Blue if you british).
When Mommy arrives at the baby hospital and is properly sedated with barbiturates, diphenhydramine, phenobarbital, chlordiazepoxide, quaaludes, and marijuana, the baby doctor makes a thorough examination of her humongous tummy with x-rays, ultrasound scans, CAT scans, magnetic resonance imaging technology, etc etc etc. Then, using a magic marker, the baby doctor carefully marks Mommy's tummy with a complex geometric pattern of arrows and dotted lines. The doctor then takes a big scissors and cuts Mommy's tummy open and the new baby jumps out of Mommy's open tummy and is promptly circumcised by the doctor. Then the doctor checks to see if it's a boy (yayyy!) or a girl (ewwwwwww, yuck!) and all of Daddy's gambling debts are settled at that time (payable on a separate medical statement). Then, Mommy's tummy is sewn up by the nurse, and finally Mommy carries the new baby home in a taxicab, the end. To summerize, mommy squeezes a huge lump of baby through here cake whole.[1].
In European countries the procedure is somewhat different. Following mutual agreement that the Daddy loves the Mammy (and vice versa), the Daddy has 'mouth sex' with a stork. With incredible precision the Stork retains the baby juice in it's mouth without spitting or swallowing (much to the glee and dissappointment of the Daddy). Nine months later, the stork returns carrying a baby, Mammy and Daddy's new bundle of joy. Some misinformed Daddies try to undertake this procedure with Mammies but the procedure has been mostly unsuccessful, only highly skilled women (such as Christina Aguilera) can perform this incredible mouth sex act.
[edit] Male equivalent of birth
The male equivalent of birth is called ejaculation. Unlike the female version, there is very little agonizing pain involved. The entire process can last as long as two (2) minutes. Fifteen seconds before the blessed event, his closest male friends and family members will hold a sperm shower in his honor and give him lots of wonderful gifts such as beer, golf clubs, power tools, barbecue equipment, more beer, and many wads of cold hard cash (for buying even more beer later). The joyous moment of arrival is usually filmed in VHS or 70mm IMAX. The end.
Another theory put forward by Dr Johnson of Tyne and Beer[2] is that the "male birth" is another way of giving birth to children without the proper utilization of contraceptives; this so-called "theory", however, is critically flawed as it does not actually explain anything.
