Born again
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“If I was born again I wouldn't be a Christian”
The term born again refers to a Christian who has been granted their request for a do over by God. The term is believed to originate in the Bible, specifically in Romans 3:16-17, which states: "If the King'f Englifh be good enough for ovr LORD, it be good enough for vs. Also, be born again."
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[edit] Motivations
Reasons for becoming born again are as diverse as the people who invoke it. However, politicians tend to become born again at the drop of a hat, usually after it comes out that they may or may not have buggered several women in as many days, hopped up on as many lines of cocaine. It then becomes expedient for their political careers to turn to a higher power who has serious clout with voters: Frank Sinatra. However, Sinatra is usually busy, so then all attention moves to number two on the list: God.
Although the amount of red tape involved in becoming born again is staggering, it proves ultimately easier than taking responsibility for one's actions.
[edit] Procedure
First, the 'Christian' decides that their first birth was somehow not done right(implying a mistake on God's part). This is the most important step, because acknowledging that you were not born right the first time is integral to accepting God's perfect judgment.
Second, all the proper forms must be filled out, as Congress has streamlined heaven in recent years with legislation such as Terri's Law, which delegates responsibility for interpretation of the Bible to Republicans. Once the forms(777-A, 777-B, and 777-C; or 777-EZ) have been completed and approved, the newly fixed Christian has several responsibilities to fulfill. The invention of the Internet has made it much easier to apply for Born Again status online.
[edit] Responsibilities of the Born-Again Christian
Born-again Christians must begin to read the Bible more selectively. This gives rise to the term "Buffet Christian," a synonym for the term "born-again." That is to say, born-again Christians are imbued with the wisdom of God to skim through the Bible, picking and choosing the parts they like the best, much in the same way one would skim over the food at a buffet, picking only the items that are the most nutritional and palatable, for example the maitre-d.
History books give a very skewed perspective on Christian evangelism, one which leaves the born-again out in the cold. While it is true that Christianity has been spread through violent means over the past centuries, we cannot neglect the important role of arrogant self-righteousness in Christendom's long history. The first Christian rock concert was given shortly after the death of Jesus by a group of prissy college students, thus marking the first ever born-again Christians, and the last time anyone would ever go a day without hearing about it.
[edit] Common Q & A About Born-Again Christian Values
Q: What if I become Born-Again and I decide to at least masturbate, but way out in the middle of nowhere, like in a cave or somewhere far away from everything and everyone? Is that still bad?
A: Anything related to genitals or sex is sinful. Even experiencing great relief while urinating, after holding it for a long period of time, is totally against God.
Q: Well, I am not currently Born-Again, nor currently choose to hold any faith at the moment, but I do consider myself religious.
A: You're going to hell is what you are.
Q: But how about this: when I was a child, my parents occasionally took us to a church. I am pretty sure it was catholic. Doesn't that count for something?
A: You are going to hell after you die.
Q: I heard in a poem or some song's lyrics, that life is hell, that we are living in hell right now.
A: A touching sentiment; not for anything, but when you die you will burn in the pits of hell for an eternity. By the way, about song lyrics: if it's not Christian rock, it's the devil.
Q: Speaking of which, I like stuff like Fleetwood Mac and that latest CD by Santana.
A: All that shit is the devil.
Q: Does it make you feel good to keep saying that I am going to burn in hell?
A: What I really feel is sorry for you, that you're going straight to hell.
[edit] Miscellaneous Information
The following is a list of famous born-again Christians:
* = Manson has, in fact, been born six times. One symptom of excess nascency is a loss of the tact sector of the brain.
[edit] Uses for Born-Again Afterbirth
While the afterbirth of first-time births is a messy, nasty affair that dropped out of your mom, born-again afterbirth drops out of God's uterus like a pile of spiritual chopped kidney. There are generally four or five pounds (3 or 4 kilos) of the stuff, steaming and all covered in blood and some sort of supernatural ectoplasm.
Born-again afterbirth can be thrown at atheists, used to fertilize petunias, or baked into a meatloaf. God wants nothing to do with it after He drops the load. Contrary to rumor, this kind of afterbirth is not considered kosher.
[edit] Where to find Born agains
 | States of Existence |
| Alive | Awake | Asleep | Semi-Conscious | Half Dead | Dead | Being Dead | Dreaming | Dead but dreaming | Bored | |
| Drunk | Stoned | Handicapped | Comatose | Undead | Born again |
