Bosnia and Herzegovina
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| This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory. We mean rewrite it! |
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| Motto: "Let's both sit down and calmly discuss this over a pot of coffee and some burek." | |||||||
| National Anthem: Kad Ajvar Nije Volijo Kajmak (English) When Ajvar Hated Kajmak (Real English) When This Silly Red Stuff Hated Something That's Kinda Sour Cream, but not Exactly | |||||||
| Official languages | Bosnian, Serbian, Croatian, RAKIJA!!! Serbian-Croatian, Croatian-Serbian, Bosnian-Croatian-Serbian, Serbian-Bosnian-Croatian, Protoegyptian, Ancient Greek... etc. | ||||||
| Capital | High city Visoko | ||||||
| Rulers | Mujo and Haso | ||||||
| Established | Eventually | ||||||
| Currency | The cigarette (1 ŠTK) | ||||||
| National Sports | Speed Smoking, Smoking nargila, Hiding in the basement, Basement Football, Basement Basketball, Complaining about everything in country, Throwing view in the air, Kicking Bruce Lee statue. Contemplations about meaning of life:
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“A Ring and a golden chain Bosnian will give you!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bosnia
“Here they can!!!!!”
~ ida on Bosnia
“Indeed. Yes. Hmm.”
~ Mr. Moneybags on Bosnia
“What in the Sam Hill?!!”
~ Enraged redneck on Bosnia
“I made a mistake.”
~ Kikzmyster on Bosnia
Bosnia & Herzegovina(Bosna i Hercegovina), literally translated Barefeeton and Germanmister-handbag-of-wines, or shortly Eternal, Unified, Sovereign Bosnia was created twenty thousand years ago so that Serbia could prove to itself that its a heroic nation and thatCroatia could prove that its a cultured nation, thus these two glorified nations had regular fights and ethnic cleansings without damaging their own lands. Turks were let into the game in 15th century AD. When the Turks arrived they messed up Serbian-Croatian relations even more by turning 40% of the population into Muslims, probably for their ammusement
Bosnia became such a popular location for solving disputes that many countries placed advanced bookings to bomb it in order to settle their differences. As a result of this continued bombardment, the indigenous population of Bosnia has grown into a sixth sense, giving them the superhuman ability to stay unharmed during times of war and turmoil. Native Bosnians have been observed walking unharmed from air disasters, bombing attacks etc., whilst complaining about plaster in their hair and how the smell of gunpowder is so persistent.
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[edit] Language (Ranguage)
Bosnia abolished approximately 110% of its Vowels in The Great Vowel Purge (Velika Čistka Samoglasnika) of 1944, after discovering that they had been collaborating with the Nazi occupiers of the country. The diacritical marks of the language attempted to exploit the resulting confusion, and succeeded in wresting control of 30% of the language, forming the breakaway province "Řêpǚbłĩká Đĭàķŕitīkǻ". Thus, 90% of the population still doesn't understand how to use four of the sonstants correctly. Between 1944 and 1992, Bosnia was ruled by the letter 'j' under a system of Non-Aligned Consonantism, which was finally (finarry) overthrown in 2017, its position bieng taken by the leter 'h'.
[edit] Population
The total population of Bosnia counts three (3). Two jedi males, by the names of Mujo and Haso and one female called Fata. Both Mujo and Haso are brilliant thinkers and the actual authors of the Theory of relativity, Capital and What the hell is happening to Joseph K.. Fata is a casual victim of sexual abuse and the neighborhood whore. Sightings of two other individuals, Huso and Suljo were also reported, however, these have never been confirmed (much like Yeti or Sasquatch). Rumor has it that the Huso and Suljo are mere clones of Mujo and Haso who cloned themselves on one lazy Sunday afternoon, due to Fata's constant complaining of their sexual inadequacies. Alas, they have since disappeared and are believed to be kept captive in a Bosnian-chapter of the infamouse Area 51.
There is no explanation for the fact that the DNA structure of the Bosnian Genome contains Molecules Of Stone (MOS), but it should be noted that the MOS have found expression in the head of Bosnians. Although that gives them their famous invulnerability, there are some relatively minor side-effects (lack of a brain). However, the scientific community has recently proposed a much sounder theory for their complete lack of brain tissue. After a Bosnian child is born, it is immediately fed inhumane amounts of rakija (a type of alcohol stronger than anything that pussy Americans have ever tasted, made from different kinds of fruit) rather then the traditional milk that new-borns drink. The massive amounts of alcohol given to newborns causes widespread brain damage and stupidity as well as an increase in penis size among the Bosnian male population, which eventually leads to their death. In fact, alcohol poisoning is the biggest cause of death in males in Bosnia.
An alternative explanation for the presence of MOS in the Bosnian Genome can be found in Butmir. Butmir is a small place near Sarajevo. It is believed that a master sculptor from Butmir once made the First Sex Toy, a Stone Model of a Woman. After the prototype was Alpha tested it miraculously became pregnant and gave birth to the first true Bosnian. Considering that the child did not have a mother to breast feed it, it was fed with rakija. That custom is still being practiced today.
There have been some attempts to reconcile these two theories and, thus, create a Unified Field Theory Of Rakija And Stone (UFTORAS) but none of them have come to fruition yet. Undoubtedly, this is due to the scientists in question being Bosnian as well.
Studies have also recently found that due to the large consumption of alcohol among the Bosnian people, their blood is not blood, but is, in fact, 99% alcohol (making all Bosnians highly flammable). Occasionally, you will see people burst into flames in broad daylight, but don't worry because it's quite common in Bosnia.
Considering that the entire population of Bosnia counts 3, they have had to evolve a more efficient way of reproduction and they now reproduce exclusively by cell division, ie. simply splitting into a Mujo, Haso or Fata, as required by circumstance.
It is important to note that each Bosnian male`s middle name is "Bolan" which usually means "painful", but in this case means "in pain", "ill". The middle name is always used before the first name when addressing a person, or at the end of the sentence if addressing someone without mentioning his name. The equivalent for females is "Bona", which has the same meaning.
[edit] Religion
Islam (don't ask me!), Serb-Russian-Greek-Ukranian Orthodox, Catholicism, and Bogumil Paganism
These religions are covers for what Bosnians really worship -- soccer, beer, and nicotine.
[edit] Don´t be a pussy
If you are teased by a couple of guys (mahalci) who threaten to beat your ass, and you don´t show any resistance (act like a pussy), or just kindly ask them why are they teasing you, you will get your ass kicked (every time they see you). If you tell them to go fuck themselves, or to suck your dick (mozete mi ga popusit´!), then you got your self some new friends. They will come to you and say: You´r OK, you ain´t no pussy (rega si ti momak, nisi pickica. haj s'nama).
[edit] Food
As in the rest of the Balkans, dinner in Bosnia is prepared following a basic recipe: "1. Cut two big onions; 2. Decide what to have for dinner". The rest of the dinner will necessarily include calf/beef or lamb, being the only quality product of Bosnian mountains (note that Herzegovina is not Bosnia, and that meat rules apply differently). For this reason, refusing to eat second class Argentinian meat, Bosnia is one of the few countries in the world without McDonald's Restaurants.
The national dish, chevapi, is incredibly enough barbecued minced meat prepared and seasoned in a way that it guarantees bad breath for days and served with as much onion as you can possibly fit on the plate (which is crucial for survival in harsh Bosnian conditions). The best chevapchichichi can be found in the city of Sarajevo.Best chevapi are found on Bascarsija.(Jebo ti mater svoju nepismenu).
The second national dish is Burek. A reader should note that in the rest of the world the Burek can be prepared with spinach, cheese, potatoes or other vegetables, while Bosnian Burek is exclusively stuffed with meat. This is because of the simple reason that a Bosnian's respect for meat is so high that he refuses to call anything without it a "Burek". On the contrary, those without meat are looked down on in common language and referred to as "Pitas"
The original Burek, which is falsely believed to be of a Turkish origin was actually invented by a Bosnian scientist who blew a dish of chevapi with a miniature nuclear device and rolled the debris into a page from local newspaper Oslobodjenje. On his trip to the Breath Institute where his breath was to be analyzed, he mistakenly ate it instead of his breakfast. The meal got its modern form after years of refinement by the Albanian Chefs And Bakery Owners Association whose descendants could have been found owning small kiosks in the Tito era, where they were selling cooked or BBQ-d corn and chestnuts, depending on the season and highly complicated technical inventions like the deadly pepaljka device. They were so loved by the people of Bosnia and Herzegowina that they called them very affectionatelly , the Chitiraschi. They also invented the cheese and spinach variety burek and sold the recipe to Sultan Mehmed II. The Sultan thought that he was buying the original recipe for the burek meal that his mother used to prepare. After he found out that he bought a cheap knock-off, he was so angry that he invaded Eastern Europe.
Slovenian ARGETA patés (which Bosnians refuse to admit that are Slovenian) together with POLI Chicken Banger, and THOMY mayonnaise (also foreign products) are the next favourites. Therefore, a sure recipe for an OK party if you invite a Bosnian, is to invite Somun, Thomy, Poli, and Argeta.
Please note that you must include a piece of bread to accompany any meal in Bosnia, including sandwiches.
[edit] Music
Narodna (sevdalinka or meračka) Zabavna (an amalgam of 70ties pop music and German schlager) Rap (Edo Maajka) Turbo folk (a mish mash of oriental rhythms played on cheap organs, heartbreaking lyrics usually sung by slutty looking female singers - called "pevaljkas")
Examples:
The Singing Gegalj Family 1. Izet Gegaj - Hej ba sta ima ba (a famous model singing whats new in sarajevo) Song - http://youtube.com/watch?v=4At0ZguLO10]
2. Ado Gegaj - Nazovi zbog nas (ugly and older brother of Izet Gegalj. This song made him extraordinary popular in Bosnia, Sandjak & Monte Negro. Song - http://youtube.com/watch?v=I11bUhH_4K0&mode=related&search=]
3. Hajrija Gegaj - Moja ti je otvorena kuca (sister of gegalj brothers who followed the brothers steps) Song - http://youtube.com/watch?v=-uQ6zREXo4E]
Some common Bosnian song lyrics(names of authors are intentionally omitted, in case of breaking copyright, the original authors prefer not to be named):
Na čaršafu 2-3 kapi krvi 2 or 3 drops of blood on the plaid to je dokaz da si bio prvi A proof that you were the first one Pijem vino i rakiju vruću I drink wine and hot brandy i ne mislim na njivu i kuću I don't care about fields and home šta će meni vjenčanje i žena I don't need wedding and wife kad sa tuđjom živim bez problema Neighbour's wife suits me fine Mala moja popišaj se u bocu My little girl, piss in the bottle pa nazdravi materi i ocu And make a toast to your ma and pa
[edit] Everyday fresh miracles in Bosnia
After the Troya in "Galeba". New sensational discovery happened just few hours ago in a place called Desilo, near "Čapljina" (Heron, the bird that can fly). Two old Illyrian ships are discovered with a number of bodies on it, mostly females, one roman spear, one pair of Nike shoes, few tombs and old corps of roman centurions with Cezar written on it. Some experts believe that these two ships where used to carry the building material for Visoko pyramids, others argument that these ships were actually Cezar`s moving house when crossing Bosnia towards the Panonic Ocean. Mujo said that bodies were black, impeaching Cezar to have hired Niggas as his centurions. Fata said that they had that big thing.
[edit] Kairo Tekstile Kompany
In April 2005, a famous American Pyramid Expert discovered the first European Pyramid near the capital of Visoko. To a few Liberians, its authenticity is still a subject of discussion, but more or less nobody has even tried to disapprove the fact of Visoccizza Sun Pyramid. The number of a few remaining inactive sceptics is smaller every day, unfortunately the number of tourists as well, but the core of Bosnian Pyramid Experts Panel are still urging those who do not believe in the genuineness of the discovery to: "Please call Bosnia or Herzegovina as soon as possible and leave your name and address, someone will contact you shortly."
New studies of the Bosnian Pyramid Expert Panel, sponsored by the "KTK Visoko" say that in year -8000, Pharaoh Bachen Khamen enslaved a great number of white Americans so they spent the next 1254 years making the Pyramid. After completing, they were too tired to leave the Balkans, but not tired to start a revolution against Bachen Khamen. They later declared themselves as Bosniaks, Serbians, Croatians or Yugoslavian. Bachen Khamen, on the other hand, moved with his wealth and family to North Africa and founded New Kairo.
Confirmations of these studies, and very convincing ones, hence explaining the origins of Egyptians. The bandages that the first Egyptian mummies were found in, have had the initials K.T.K. imprinted on them. The initials have been a mystery for centuries, but uncovering the Old Kairo pyramids near Visoko, solved the mystery of the KTK imprints on the mummies as well as of "KTK Visoko" name. "KTK" is the name of the 10,000 years old bandages factory, that later specialized on Cow-skin products, from Visoko Canton. This proves that the Egyptians, as we know them, are nothing else but refugees from Bosnia. This rumour is also confirmed by the story of a Gypsy tribe from Visoko whose chief named Ferid claims that for the past ten thousand years the first male child in his family is named Ferid to mark that he is a direct descendant of Bosnian Pharaoh (due to obvious phonetic similarity). The connection is especially proved by the size of their noses and dark skins like those of the Egyptians.
[edit] The Gospa of Medjugorje
Father Veli of the Croatian catolic Church is a protector and missionary of town Medjugorje near Chitluk, the miracles that he experienced and witnessed, and of 6 young Bosnian children who on June 24, 1981 were blessed with an apparition of Our Lady.. the Gospa.
Our Lady's Messages are the Heart of The Medjugorje Web™. They are Messages of Peace and Love, and are meant to guide each one of us to a closer relationship with God. Our Lady has appeared in Medjugorje every day since June 24, 1981 to present. Beginning on March 1, 1984, Our Lady began giving Weekly Messages to St. James parish in Medjugorje and the World. Then, on January 25, 1987, Our Lady began giving these Messages on the 25th of each Month. After 21+ years, Our Lady still appears to 3 of the visionaries daily (Marija, Vicka, and Ivan). The 25th of the month message is always given by Our Lady to the visionary Marija.
Apparently , Our Lady appeared on some hill near the town , as a reincarnation of Marylin Monroe wearing thongs. 6 young children were smoking pot on that hill and they thought it was an angel, but the local shepherd thought it was a Bigfoot and local priest saw $$$ a miracle. From that day forth, hundreds of thousands of idiots who like to call themself as believers come to Medjugorje every year to smoke pot and drink in the hopes of seeing Gospa again.
Medjugorje is now in serious danger as Bosnian pyramids attract even more idiots than Gospa.
You can download a Compilation of Our Lady's Messages 1984 - 2007 on gospa.com inlducing some remixes and full DVD of GOSPA 3D desktop software
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[edit] The case of Bruce Lee abuse
The famous case of setting up a 1:1 size statue of famous German (three parts Chinese)actor, and freedom fighter Bruce Lee, in one of many beautiful Mostar parks, resulted in sudden consequences. The council of Mostar city early realized that anybody who ever was in a slight sight range of a Bosnian person was immediately despised by all Bosnians, so if they would ever hope for a personality that could represent all 10 sides of the Bosnian conflict, this one, loved by everyone, real life hero, could be the guy. Unfortunately, they were wrong. After beating Hong Kong by one day in placing the statue (first in the known world), the first night, at the same time as Hong Kong statue was placed, some gypsy kids stole his Nun-Chucks, and the group of pissed locals beat the unarmed statue to unconsciousness, and continued until the statue started bleeding. Bleeding statues is not an unknown phenomenon in Bosnia(see: "Gospa of Medjugorje", she has been crying blood more than once)
Rumours say that while in police station the next day, Bruce Lee was asked if he heard any names pronounced while the assassins were executing him. He responded that the vandals constantly repeated a name of some guy called Stipuga Nime(Leavehim Tome).
[edit] What's with "Bear fucked a tree"?
The head of a Bosnian male is one of the hardest substances in nature. According to Reuters reports, SINTEF laboratory at NTNU, Norway, is trying to determine if Scandinavian oak is harder. Mostly used at construction sites because of their demolition capability, a combination of experience and stubbornness (aka head-hardness), and of course, being much cheaper then any modern piece of equipment. They work at sites worldwide without protective helmets, or legal work permits for that matter.
[edit] Famous Bosnians
One the most famous Bosnians in the world is Valter. (Valter Peric is a different person, and has nothing to do with Valter) Who is Valter then? Well, one is certain:
- A: - Seit ich in SARAJEVO bin, suche ich Walter und finde ihn nicht. Und jetzt, wo ich gehen muss, weiss ich wer er ist.
- B: - Sie wissen wer Walter ist!? Sagen Sie mir sofort seinen Namen!
- C: - Sehen Sie diese Stadt? Das ist Walter.
Yet not so famous in the western world, but given that he has been a national hero in China, as great fighter for communist values since 1945 and long after communism disappeared from Bosnian territory, the arguments for following statement are strong. His documentary, "Valter Defends Sarajevo from Laupher", seen by 1 250 000 000 Chinese, 3 times each, is still running in Beijing cinemas. As such, it counts to be the all time most seen motion picture in the World.
It beats in facts and numbers the idea of Rambo, the great hero. Even if Americans and Germans deny existence of Valter, they cannot outnumber the chinese army that follow his spirit since, as Chinese' proverb say: "Valter fought for good guys against bad guys when Rambo still was in his diapers. One of Valter's famous quotes on Afganistan war is: "If I had the weapons that Rambo used in First Blood, there would be no war!"
Valter's recent appearances were in blockbusters like "Transformers" , "X-men" and "Spiderman". He was also seen in some serious barfights in Sarajevo defending innocent civilans as always.
Some famous quotes of Valter : " Rambo was gay , so was Batman! " , " Terminator was a nazi! " , " Resistance is futile , get the fuck out Borgay! " , " I think Frodo could have done a much better job if he wasn't guarded by that Gandalf pedophile! " , " I like women with attitude and boobs !".
[edit] You know you're a Bosnian when:
- you drive VW Golf 2 diesel
- you love Coca Cola
- you deeply want and desire a desert eagle
- Halo 1 is the best of all of the Halo trilogy
- You get sent to Bosnia when you get spplattered
- your family owns a manual coffee grinder
- you take your shoes off when you enter the house, and every family member has his/her own slippers (plus some extra for the guests) *your neighbour comes over every day uninvited, for coffee
- your father wears striped pajamas
- you drive VW Golf 2
- your day revolve around coffee and cigarettes
- you have 17 consonants and 2 vowels in your last name
- your mother/nena won't accept the fact that you're not hungry
- you drive VW Golf 2
- you have "pita" for dinner at least 4 days a week
- you have "sarma" for dinner the remaining 3 days
- a loaf of bread is eaten for lunch every day
- you're 6 and your father sends you out to buy him "Drina" and "Sarajevsko"
- you drive VW Golf 2
- you don't speak to your cousins who support "Sarajevo" (football club)
- when your nena insists you eat something with "kasika" at least once a week
- you chop up some onions and then decide what to cook for dinner
- your mother insists that "promaha" will kill you
- you drive VW Golf 2
- your mother tells you not to sit on the concrete slabs, or your ovaries are going to freeze
- your mother tells you to wear "potkosulja", no matter what the temperature outside
- your mother tells you not to sit close to TV, and not to use cell phones, because you'll get brain tumor
- you drive VW Golf 2
- your mother tells you that you'll get sick from drinking cold water
- you bathe only once a week
- your parents tell you that they had you, AND your sister/brother when they were your age
- a couple of days really means a week or so
- your parents have "goblene" on their walls, and "heklivo" on every piece of their furniture, including the TV
- your parents make "zimnica" every september
- your mother threathens you with "samo cekaj dok ti se babo vrati kuci"
- you spend all your family vacations in Neum
- you drive there in your family Yugo towed behind a donkey
- the donkey you own is faster than the car you drive
- you begin most sentences with "j. ga", "svega mi", or "Tita mi"
- your young cousin doesn't know what "Tita mi" means
- you can't explain what "ba" means, but you use it all the time (what's up ba etc.)
- you're the only one who gets all the Mujo and Haso jokes
- you know the entire script of "Walter brani Sarajevo" by heart
- you know the script of every single episode of "Top Lista Nadrealista"
- you despise your cousin who's going out with an "unproforac"
- you drive VW Golf 2
- your mother bakes a cake without oil, sugar, eggs, or flour, and she calls it "a war cake"
- the time is divided into "before" and "after" the war
- your father refers to all politicians with "djubrad", "lopovi", "kriminalci" and "krmad"
- you have at least one best friend from high school who went to "their side" and you still can't explain it to yourself, your remaining friends from high school live in Australia, Norway, Germany, and Malaysia
- you don't want to talk about the war to anyone, but that's the only thing you talk about with other Bosnians
- you have at least three passports, and have lived in at least 4 countries in the last 12 years
- you vote for the same politicians over and over again, but when somebody ask for your opinion about them, you say "Lažljiva lopovska gamad!"
- you hear "Pamet u glavu" every time you go out of the house!
- you drive VW Golf 2
- you have to walk to school, which is located 14 miles away from your village
- you blame all the nations problems on the Turks just like the Greek's.
- Your family owns enough guns to start a war.
- you put rakija on your feet every time you are sick
- you drive VW Golf 2
- Your first words were "Allaahhaamm"
- you throw all of your garbage into rivers and creeks(except the plastic bottles, you need to save those for heating your home)
- you don't care about the environment
- you stop in the middle of the road to pick up or drop off someone because it's convenient for you
- when you drive you smoke a cigarette, drink coffee, talk on your phone and stop at green lights in a car that puts out more pollution than most other countries.
- you hate Holland (Hell Land - Niederelände) because of srebrenica.
[edit] Links
Most famous bosnian web site where everybody complains about everything Now Bosnians have their own Uncyclopedia]
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