HowTo:Recognize and Fight a Boss without Losing your Last Life
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Picture this, you are walking along and suddenly a large figure approches. The music stops. The figure begins to taunt you... in dance form. Different music starts to play in the background and THEN THEY ATTACK! Countless lives have been lost to roaming Bosses, because you (the people) are unprepared. Because of this, this guide was created. Once you have read and understood the words printed here, you will know everything there is to know about surviving a Boss Fight.
Contents |
[edit] What Exactly Is A Boss?
A Boss, to put it scientifically, will totally and utterly Fuck You Up. You may already know a Boss. That guy who works at the convenience store who constantly twirls a spiked ball at the end of a chain? Probably a Boss. The woman at the DMV who always wears leather and throws bombs, in groups of three, at random people? Definitely a Boss.
- Here is a short list of WARNING SIGNS that someone you know (perhaps even love) is, in fact, a Boss.
[edit] How to Identify a Boss:
Does the person in question:
- Have an unnaturally colored Mohawk?
- Attack, then immediately leap over your head?
- Taunt you constantly, through laughter, dance, or disparaging comment?
- Carry a weapon that is much too big for them to carry comfortably?
- Carry a weapon, the ammo of which progressively grows bigger ammo every time s/he gets hurt?
- Have one weakness that, once discovered, makes them 10 times easier to beat?
- Have a shiny metal exterior, and no human heart?
- Have one or more Robotic Limbs?
- Look as though they have wandered off the set of Mad Max?
- Wait around all day in a dark room for someone to show up, and then fight them?
- Wear a kilt?
- Respond "ME" when asked "Who's the Boss?"
- Drop particularly valuable items that you need in order to survive the day whenever s/he leaves the room?
- Have strangely ominous yet rather redundant death-music turn on whenever s/he enters the room?
- Toss bombs, razors, and other potentially deadly weapons of mass destruction that you can possibly toss back at him/her, as long as they don't explode first?
- Cast powerful spells if they are losing?
- Make big, long speeches before attacking you?
- Kill women and children?
- Survive even after you've spent all your ammo shooting them in the head and asked "Why won't you f**king die?"
- Cause you to break your controller in rage?
- Drops tokens or power-ups after you hit them in their weak point enough time, that will keep you alive just long enough till the next power-up comes.
Is the person in question:
- Any variety of Ninja?
- A large, loud Pirate Captain?
- A Jesii?
- On fire, but not taking damage?
- Kidnapping the President?
- Wearing more leather than weather permits?
- Sporting a Beard of snakes?
- Much larger then but rather similar-looking to most of people you've meet in your town for the past three levels?
- Summoning miniature versions of said people to eat you as s/he takes a break?
- Not human, but a huge monster?
- Always accompanied by a dark theme tune?
- You?
- Standing under a large neon sign saying I AM A BOSS! DURR!
- Has the ability to power straight through a brick wall directly in front of you.
[edit] What Kinds of Tactics do Bosses Employ?
Now that you have spotted the Boss, it is time to study your foe's style. Generally, a Boss got to be a Boss by beating up everyone else in their evil orginization. This could mean one of two things. 1) They are really REALLY tough, or, 2) Their orginization is made up of losers. The good news is, # 2 is much more common, but always be on the look out for # 1.
When fighting a boss remember to bring ear plugs; Bosses tend to blast their own Death-Music when fighting, not only because their surround sound stereo system is most likely broken and will repeat the same tune over and over again until you want him/her to kill you, but also because this music contains subliminal messaging. These subliminals usually say something along the lines of "You are a stupid fool and will never defeat Ultimate-Grue!" Not that this isn't true, but it can get pretty annoying if you let it get to your head.
There are some main classes that most Bosses fall into.
[edit] The Floater
For those of you that spend a lot of time in the air (be it commercial flights, dogfights, or Superman) there is no doubt that you will meet three or four of these guys a day. Luckily, they don't have too much going for them in the brain department.
The only thing you really have to remember about the Floater, is that there is usually one spot that, if occupied, makes you invincible to their attacks. This spot may or may not move, so always be vigilant in your hunt for it.
Beware, the Floater employs a devious array of weaponry! Anything from bullets, to lasers, small animals, human body parts (including the brain) and much much worse. If even one of these weapons touch you, it could spell your doom (Which is usually spelled D-O-O-M-E, but due to the retroactivity Anti-Silence Law of 2146, the silent E is left out under penalty of Doome).
[edit] The Leaper
This is a more ground-based enemy, but only for the most part. You see, the Leaper is known for just that... love- I mean, Leaping. Yes, just when you think you have the drop on this boss, he/she/it pulls a fast one on you and jumps 1200 ft over your head.
This type of boss could be anything from a small man in a robotic suit, an inexplicably huge fat guy, a rabbit, a pony, the Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick maker, a teddy bear with spikes on its ass, or even you. You have great potential... just look at them chicken legs you got on you... just look at 'em...Also he likes to leap a lot.
[edit] The Leper
Despite their name similarities, the Leper and the Leaper function very differently. The Leper species of bosses stay on the ground and are usually fairly immobile, unlike the Leapers. Examples of Lepers are Grues, Jelly beans and mice.
[edit] The Wall
Picture this, you get lost 4-5 times in this twisty, turney, complex of halls, fighting your way through hordes of enemies only to find yourself in front of a large door. Suddenly, the music changes and you know (in your heart) that beyond this door lies the fight of your life. You steel yourself for the worst, maybe a demon with a rocket launcher, maybe a brain attached to a robotic spider, who knows, you might even find Jesus. You open the door...
Nope.
It's a wall.
That's right, the Wall is exactly that, a wall. Sometimes it has lasers that shoot at you, sometimes it's a window, behind which is an evil scientist, sometimes it shoots demons... other times it's just a wall you have to beat up.
Probably the most harmless of the boss species. Try not to die from disappointment.
[edit] The Transformer
All right, so you've battered a boss down to practically no health. Then you hit him with some fearsome weapon, and he starts flashing white. But then, instead of exploding/causing seizures, he transforms into even bigger, nastier, and otherwise ready to cause you some serious hurt. Even more fun is the fact that his weak point has now changed to something even harder to hit. Dang.
[edit] The Guy You Just Fought Only Stronger This Time
You might recognize this guy. Sure, he may have had a different pallete last time you fought him. Sure, he may have been slightly weaker last time, maybe he didn't shoot so many lasers. But other than that it's the SAME DAMN GUY!
I mean, Holy Crap! Why even bother with this? Are they joking? Is the real boss sick today, so I gotta fight his understudy!? What the hell is this? You know what? I don't even feel like fighting any more!
F*ck this, I'm going home...
[edit] Near Unbeatable God-like Badass
Trust me, you'll know one when you see one. But you won't see it for long...
The tactics this Boss will employ range from "Giant sword that is impossible to dodge", to "Nuclear Bomb that you are forced to swallow". For further information consult your local library.
[edit] Historical Examples of Bosses
- Goliath: Use ranged weapons to strike in the forehead. Take his sword when he is stunned and keep attacking the head.
- Achilles: Achilles is completely invulnerable to frontal attacks. Use ranged weapons and aim for his heel. Alternatively, attack with a knife to his back when he is distracted. Avoid the temptation to kill his brethren until Achilles himself is defeated, or he will briefly shift into an invincible hyper mode.
- Blackbeard: This is a slugfest, pure and simple. Again avoid the temptation to attack the pirate minions, as they will keep respawning until the boss is defeated. Blackbeard attacks you with his sword for the first half of the battle. After this his body begins blinking, and he will knock you away before taking out his pistols and firing at you. Keep attacking him with a combination of ranged and melee; the fight is much easier with two to four players on your side. It takes about 58 bullets and more than 26 sword strikes before Blackbeard finally dies.
- Grigori Rasputin: Use revolvers and other ranged weapons to attack the Mad Monk from behind. After about 4 hits, you will have to use a club to bludgeon for further damage. You cannot fully defeat Rasputin this way, but you can gain time to trap him in a sheet and throw him into the Neva River, which eventually drowns him. This battle is much easier if you were able to poison Rasputin with cyanide earlier, along with castrating him to slow down his movement.
[edit] How to Survive a Boss
The important thing is to REMAIN CALM! There have been too many people lost to utter panic. You start to panic, and you get all twitchy. BOSSES CAN SMELL TWITCHY! Seriously, just relax... relax... think happy thoughts. Don't dwell on the fact that at any moment you will die, lose all your progress and have to do the hard part all over again. Push that to the back of your mind... way back. No, not far enough! JUST RELAX!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!? RELAX!!!
If the preceding paragraph made you nervous, good. Anyone who is too calm during a boss fight will end up splattered across whatever terrain they are on. The really important thing is to keep on that verge utter panic, without flipping out.
Once you reach the correct mind frame, just take your Super Photon Hot Death Cannon, jam it down the bastard's throat and pull the trigger.
Boss problem... SOLVED!
[edit] See Also
For any information that isn't covered in this article (none), feel free to consult you local Uncyclopedia.
