Boston, Massachusetts
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Now, ya see, Bwoast'n is dis city, thas in Mass'chs'tts. It's ne-ah tha wahtuh, an' um, peoples lives thay-uh.
They's got beans 'nd chowdah anna whoole lotta construction. Guv'mint says th' Big Dig s'gonna be done soon, but all 'm seein is DETOUR.
I ain't too good at writin, so I'se gonna try tuh make dis unnastanable.
Contents |
[edit] Tha People
Peoples is alwys mad at somb'dy. Cyach 'em without 'eir cyoahfee an' you best be runnin.
Der's diff'rent kin's uh people thayuh.
- Da Doctors
- See 'em walkin aroun' lunchtime wit whi-yit coats and flat shoes. Dey comin pairs an' usually found in Longwood.
- Commuters
- Come evr'yday alla t'same time an' leaves at t'same time. Busy, busy all th' time. Gets real mad when you's in da way.
- Construction Workers
- They's ev'rywayuh. Doin tha Big Dig thing.
- Cops
- Cops s'got nothin betta tuh do than sit aroun an' glare at people who ain't doin nothin. S'lots of traffik, so they watches and eats donuts.
- Dogs
- Dogs get elektrkooted. They's just walkin along, doin der ting, when BAM! dead.
Anna course, der's....
[edit] Them College Kids
“We Had to Cancel the Boston gig; but don't worry, it's not a big college town.”
~ Spinal Tap on Boston Colleges
They thinks they's so cool, sittin aroun' smokin an' actin like they's better than evr'yone. Come from all ovah an' crowd da T.
S'lots of colleges inna Bwoast'n.
People alwys thinka Havvid and MIT whenna think uh Bwoast'n. But they's too good fo us and moved tuh Caymbridge. Most uh da colleges in Bwoast'n ah Jewish now o-ah somtin. Lil' and evr'ywayuh and all made outta brick.
[edit] Th' Big Dig
Th' Big Dig is dis projeck dat was stahtid a long time ago. It was asposed t'be done forevah ago, but i'is still goin on. Cranes is ev'rywheres an' y'never know which road s'gonna be open t'day. Guv'mint dun believe inna detour signs eeda, they jus' make tha road go anothah way fo no reason.
Taxpayer's money s'goin to alla this, anna guv'mint makes tunnels that leak 'nd bridges tha drop ice on cars an' nearly kill peoples. They even got th' ceilin collapsin in an killin folks.
Course can't stop naow, alla roads are wicked messed up. Piles uh dirt ev'rywayuh an' dem cones an' partitiony-thingies. Geez.
[edit] Drivin'
Nob'dy in Bwoast'n knows 'ow ter drive. But th' turrists drive even wors'. They go wicked slow an' theyah aah always lost 'n stuff. Jus' cuz a city's got narrow, winding roads an' lotsa rotaries dun'nt mean ya gotta drive aroun' like some idiot.
Also, pedestr'ans get run ovah if they's in the road when it's green. 'Acourse they can run real good, so peoples don't get hurt, usually.
In traffik, people get wicked angry and they yell an' flip each othah off. Road rage an' all that.
If you really wanna get a wicked bout of swearin', make someone spill their cyoafee. Yer really in fer it then.
[edit] Th' Sites of Baahstin
Theya's aahl Kindsa stuff ta do in Baahstin. Sumthin' fer evereeywun.
[edit] Fanyool Hall
Ev'rybody thinks Fanyool Hall is so great, but nobody c'n even spell it. Dagnabbit, why they gotta go namin nashunal landmark things funny. S'not much uvva lanmark anyhow. Just a bunch o' food places stuck inna narrow buildin. Like some ol' ghetto mall. Den all the monster corp'ration stores is outside. Who s'gonna travel to Bwoast'n to see some kinda rickety mall-place? Not me.
[edit] RED SOX
Ev'rybody loves the Red Sox. An' if they doesn't, we beats them up. Yankee-lovers go to 'ell. Hayuck, Yankee-sympathizers c'n go t'hell too.
Whenna Red Sox is at Fenway, ev'ryone comes ta Bwoast'n. Ev'ryone. Ev'n yer granma who's been inna wheelchay-uh since 'er stroke.
One o' dese days, de Green Monster s'gonna eat t'Yankees. All uv their no'good, rotten be'inds.
Fer a long time, th' Red Sox were cursed. Obv'sly it wan'nt thayuh faul' they nevuh won. Fin'lly they won th' World Series... WOO YEAH! GO SOX!! 1918!! REVERSE THE CURSE!! YEAH!! an' tha curse was broke'.
Th' Sox is abou' t'only thing tha' Bosto'ians c'n agree abou'.
GO SOX!!
[edit] Th' MFA
This place gots wickid pissa Jipchin stuff, but I red'n Daglobe 't Eejip thinks its ripped ahf! So MFA's gotta prove it came from Prahvidince.
[edit] Patri'ts
Pats is th' footbawl team. Theysa dawn in Fawxburrah. They git all them good playahs wit no cuuhses so that we can have a winnin' team heah in Bawstun.
[edit] The T
The T is an overcrowd'd system. Ev'ryone s'tryin t'get way-uh they wanna go, and right friggin now. Problem is, there's not enough room. Sometimes it's even haahd to breath, theyah aah so many people on t'friggin' thinhg.
They used t'have tokens, but naow they've got dese ticket things and new doo-ahz like we're onna Star Trek or something, s'achuly wicked cool. The tickets is called "CharlieTickets", named fo some guy who got stuck on tha T forevah.
S'alright sometimes, but mostly jus' a pain in de chowdah-lovin' neck.
An, o'coahse, S'allays woahse wen iys rush houaah oah when da Sox is playin'.
[edit] Log'n
Log'n is da ayrpor' thas in Bwoast'n. 'T's innanashunal 'nd pretty big. Th' planes on Septembuh Uhlevnth styartid heah an' so th' secur'ty makes ya take off yer shoes'n'stuff.
[edit] Chinatown
Chinatown is wayuh all de Chineez aah. They's got some good rest'rants, buhchyuu gotta be careful thayuh. Chineez aah dang'rous. Coul' get mugged oah murdahed.
[edit] Histor'cal Stuff
Theyis once dis paahty, somethin' t'do with teay, oah Da T. Idunno. Theyis also once dis big waah up on da Bunkah Hill, only t'wayasn't on Bunkah Hill, but da one befoah it. Der was a Rev'lution once. Styarted righ' heah in Bwoast'n, oah Reveah, oah somthin. Anyhow, tha' was a long time ago. But them tourists keep comin heah. Fer th' "hist'ry" 'nd whatnot.
Moah Impoahtant Hist'ry:
- Da Fihst Woahld Seawies! - Rite Heaah in Bwoast'n.
- Cheeahs - Filmed in Bwoast'n.
- The Curse is Reversed! - Da Sox fin'lly win agai'. Go Sox!
[edit] Th' Bahst'n Bommun 'f 2007
“We do whatever we want whenever we want, at all times.”
~ Ignignokt
Eahly inna yeah 2007, summun notic'd sump'n dat looked lika bomb. They called da cops, who caim owt and blowed it up witha bommskwahd. It'uz groawndbreakin' nooz fer weeks. Hunnreds uh peeple were late ta werk b'cuz of it. Turns out it wuzza ad campaine all along. Theyaz a moovey commun' owt, some Akwa Hungah Foase Teens oah somp'n liek 't.
The Mayuh Menino wuz all mad, he called da Turner Broahdcahstin' Nettwerk, who run Cahtoon Nettwerk, who play da show. He maed'm pay a wicked huge fine fer alla disrup'n 'n stuff. They's also charg'n these two collij kids fer the whole thin'. They'ud bin the unz owt wit' da signs 'n stuff. Weth any luck, they'ull have thuh book throw'n at 'em when they's sent tuh jail.
“We set them up the bomb!”
~ Err
[edit] Dunkin' Donuts
“Rumors of "America runs on Dunkin's" have been greatly exaggerated.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dunkin' Donuts
Dunkin' Donuts mus' put crack in'er donuts or somtin, cuz they's ev'rywayuh. All t'street cornah's got one. Starbuck's izza rival fo t'cyoahfee, but no Krispy Kreme s'gonna be takin our Dunkin' Donuts.
Cawse, tuh othuh grea' ting in Bahstin is Aw Bahn Payn, But Starbuck's gunna neah put dem outa' business!
[edit] Pigeons
Nasty vermin aah ev'rywayuh. Only thing tuh do is kick them. They'd rob ya if dey could.
[edit] Weathuh
"If you dun like th' weathuh, jus' wait a lil' an' it'll change."
~ Oscah Wil'e on Weathuh
Weathuh does what it likes. Mos' of t' time, in da wintah, i's cloudy. Sun don' shine in da wintah. Get dese awful storms, like da Blizzid of 78. People died, da innastate was dayown, jus' terr'ble.
In da summah, hyoomid. Gets so hot an' so haahd ta breathe.
[edit] The Hub
Bahstin is known as da Hub because it was da cenner of da yoonivahse. Dis was confahmed ta Salvador Dali by a visitashin from da Flying Spaghetti Monster. Howevuh, doo ta the uth's coawntinennal drift, the cennah has relocated ta Perpignan, France. Booooo!!
[edit] See also
[edit] A Final Note
