Boston Legal
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“Boston? Legal? I didn't know that place was legal!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Boston Legal
Boston Legal, AKA Star Gate meets Star Trek the series, is a hit United States television show (2004-Present) Staring James HaveyourpetsSpaderneutered and William Shatner The show is centered on two lawyers, rising star Alan Shore (James HaveyourpetsSpaderneutered) and fading ember Denny Crane (William Shatner) who are Lawyers by day, STD carriers by night. Many episodes portray serious issues like (brace yourself) Iraq, War on Terror, US legal system, Death Penalty, Abortion, Gay rights, Canivorism, Sex, Drugs, Nudity, Mental Health, William Shatner, Affirmative Action, Civil Rights, Republicans, while still being able to deliver the material in a comedic fasion that is actually quite commonly done these days by writers for all sorts of different shows, movies and those horrible youtube videos.
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[edit] Typical Episode
The typical Boston Legal episode follows a very familiar and predictable pattern. The Show starts out with some comic relief that has almost nothing to do with the episode but relaxes the audience. Then is followed up with someone with a really big legal problem comes to the doors of Crane, Poole, Schmidt, and Spock in which case Alan Shore takes the case. Meanwhile another lesser more funny case is taken on by some of the shows lesser characters. All the while Denny Crane starts practicing sexual congress with some woman he just met and all of a sudden he's married and the entire law firm is put into jeopardy because of his liberal approach to sex. Alan Shore continues on with his case with surprising plot twists, and the lesser characters deal with there cases with hilarious consequences, usually having a redshirt die a horrible death to prove how dangerous some opposing lawyers are. Towards the end Shirley Schmidt (Head Matriarch of the firm) settles, denies issues and keeps the firm afloat. The lesser characters then settle their cases and Alan Shore resolves his case with a passionate closing argument that gets the jury every time. The episode closes with Denny Crane and Alan Shore sitting up on there balcony drinking scotch and pretending to smoke wooden fake cigarettes discussing their promiscuity that transpired during the show.
[edit] Relevance of the Show
Unlike most shows on television which have absolutely no redeeming qualities and do nothing for society like Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City, Seinfeld, According to Jim, King of Queens, Two and a half men, Survivor, Big Brother, Fear Factor, and The New Adventures of Old Christine, Boston Legal provides social commentary on our Legal system, or our non-legal system, err I mean, but of course our legal system is perfect its better than any other nation (50^^3 0|\|3 |-|3|p 7|-|3|25 4 9|_|*/ |_|0||)i|\|9 4 9|_||\| 47 ^^3, |-|3 54*/5 |-|3'5 \/\/i7|-| |_||\|(|3 54^^, 8|_|7 i |)0|\|7 533 4|\|*/ |_||\|(| 54^^ \/\/i7|-| |-|i^^, |-|3||*! ). The show mimics our legal system in that on the show all the Lawyers are white and all the defendants are black. In fact, in real life there is a disproportion of black people in the criminal justice system as compared with whites. The reason lies with the paranoid white suburbs. People who live in the suburbs are typically white and have a safe affluent existence complete with sports cars satellite TV and every tech toy known to man. The suburbans have alot, which of course means that they can lose alot. And the suburbans fear the people their ancestors have been exploiting for hundreds of years, the big scary black man. The whites have always feared the black man who would come up from the intercity would destroy everything and everyone they hold dear. So they invented the suburbs as a way to escape the black man who depends largely on public transit for transportation. Unfortunately staying away from the black man wasn't enough for white people because every now and then one might acquire a vehicle and be able to purge into the suburbs. Thus the whites established Homeowners Associations with networks of police officers to patrol the suburbs and keep the Evil doers out. However the whites not only wanted to defend themselves, they wanted to go one step further in defense and take the fight to the black man, in his neighborhood. The suburbans used the concept of "Taking the Fight to Them" as an effective means of defense, the method is also known as offensive defense; this strategy is also the same strategy America is using to win the War on Terror, which is why well win in Iraq in three months. Suburbans use offensive defense so that the black man would be so occupied defending him self, he wouldn't be-able to attack. The suburbans employed this strategy by amassing hundreds of police officers to patrol the inner cities and to arrest every black man in sight when a crime occurred. The paranoid white fear of the black man requires a huge criminal justice system which is where Boston Legal come in. In the show Alan Shore defends the black man in court and typically his closing arguments include some material above to cause the white jury to emphasize with the black man, he usually wins his cases, when he doesn't he uses bribes, his many connections or tells his clients to flee the country. Mean while, as Denny Crane shots black people with his many guns, as he has a hunting permit for redshirts when in season.
[edit] Shatkins Diet
Boston Legal has turned many people onto the Shatkins Diet. Created by William Shatner, his diet reinforces the five main food groups, Hamburger, Beef, Sirloin, cheap fruit salad, and wooden fake cigarettes. Shatner insists that this is not a diet, but rather a lifestyle. The diet was first written about in the 1990's in William Shatners book the Shatkins diet, but the diet was relatively unheard of until Shatner stared as Denny Crane in Boston legal. With the show Shatner regained status as a sex symbol almost overnight. Despite his weight he was still able to get married at least every other episode. Many teenage boys who wanted to mimic his appeal began to pick up the Shatkins diet and began to eat like Shatner. They began to get overweight, but women now viewed them as big fat love machines, something they never were before. Women seeing mens success on the dating arena took up the Shatkins diet and they too became big fat love machines that men just loved. Middle Aged Men who go through mid life crises are also picking up the diet in record numbers because they do everything teenagers do in an attempt to be just like them. Thanks to Shatner everyone in now is happy and overweight; you can't go around a corner anymore with out seeing an happy attractive fat person killing a Redshirt accidentally by sitting on him.
[edit] Quotes from the Show
“I'm such a slut for authority.”
~ Alan Shore
“She dumped me for an Iphone!”
~ Anonymous lawyer
“It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans... we're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys.”
~ Denny Crane
“Ensign Redshirt, go check that obvious deathtrap over here! This way i can ajourn court and find a way to save the day during the 5 minute break. Go now! Don't make me use my gun...”
~ Denny Crane
“Massachusetts is a blue state, God has no place here.”
~ Denny Crane
“I object! How can we trust a Goaould to take an oath on the bible? He might have written that book for all we know!”
~ Alan O'Shore
“You know we have a little saying in Massachusetts, Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die.”
~ Alan Shore
“He's dead Jim! Do you want his wallet or the legal case?”
~ Alan Shore
“I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load.”
~ Denny Crane
“You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.”
~ Alan Shore
“We were all saved, because I was armed, I think every citizen should carry gun on his waist, heck all the criminals have em. The answer isn't less guns, it's more guns.”
~ Denny Crane
