Bournemouth

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The friendly residents of Bournemouth going about their everyday business.

“ Yeah that´s right, I will come to this necropolis and pick up some zombies anyday. From behind!.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde Quotes

Bournemouth is a city in Mediocre Britain with the world's largest population of dead people. The city was sold to France in 2006 for the sum of 1p, said to be 2p more than Portsmouth is worth (they complained the latter was a rip-off). Bournemouth used to be in Hampshire but Poole said it wouldn't be its friend anymore until it moved to Dorset, causing widespread dismay and sadness (as well as a few heart attacks). It is believed to be the best place in the world with the SBS, the second best special forces group in the world but is actually based in Poole but dont tell anyone. Poole was the base of the biggest navel invasion of all time on the baring straight between Russia and the USA, 4 billion British SBS men lost there lives in american FF.

The settlement that eventually became Bournemouth was built over the corpse of Papa Smurf in 230 BC in a joint effort between Leeroy Jenkins and Julius Caesar. Both men died while attempting to build the city. They eventually completed it in 2003 AD with the help of David Beckham, who suffered a fatal heart attack during the city's opening ceremony, and then ate all of those weenie-on-a-stick things in the party buffet. It was also the world's first city to construct a fully functional gate to Hell, but no-one cares.

Bournemouth is possibly located somewhere south of the Arctic Circle, and probably somewhere north of Antarctica. It can be accessed by foot, by car, by bus, by hearse, or by any mode of transport, provided it is capable of exploding and killing all passengers. For this reason, going on foot is the best choice. This will also allow travellers to view the scenic pleasantries from the cliffs surrounding Bournemouth on all sides, including the graveyard, the necropolis, the mausoleum, and the slaughterhouse.

[edit] History

The current mayor of Bournemouth, Ghandi II. Yesterday.

After the town was finished, the construction crews, who had all been killed in horrific machinery incidents, decided they liked the city so much they would become permanent residents themselves, and brought their families in, bringing the total residents of Bournemouth to around 12 in number, O.A.Ps being excluded from the register due to their increasing reluctance to die (however they could register on the living dead electoral role). Shortly after this, the young and fresh economy of the city began to attract jobseekers from all around the country; however, due to problems with Boscombe and the town's all-pervading stench of urine, things were not looking up for Bournemouth. This period is often not referred to as anything.

The mayor at the time, Lucienne Clyde Smith, who had been slain by serial killers on no less than 50 occasions during the city's short history, decided that the city's main profession and source of revenue would be Trolling, though this move was criticised by his advisors, paticularly former lawyer Cranberry Piker, as being unambitious and predictable. In response, Ronald had Han murdered brutally in an alley by hired goons. Piker was furious at this and left the city - a move that would later spell trouble for Bournemouth. T-R-O-U-B-L-E, the correct spelling (now without the superfluous p at the beginning) being suspended above their major attraction, spearmint rhino

Following this incident, the city was levelled by an errant Attention Seeking Missile used in the civil war between Nintendo and Sony, a war that had not otherwise affected Bournemouth. Some months past, and the city's trolling industry had taken deep root, and the city's populace of around 2,000 were becoming some of the best trolls in the country. The city had also become famous for its nightlife, and was a frequent haunt of Count von Count, who at one point was killed by brain damage inflicted in a barroom brawl with another famous regular, Michael Howard. However, the city had been noted for its seedy underbelly, and both Kitten Huffing and Brain Eating dens had cropped up in some of the areas of ill repute, most notably broadstone, merley, and corfe mullen, giving areas like turlin moore a bad name following their increased economic boom.

After a minor incident in 1552 when the city was accidentally destroyed in one fell swoop by Vin Diesel because he disproved of boscome, Cranberry Piker returned to the city, along with his personal advisor Tassadar. Unknown to any other denizens of the city than Piker himself, he had also brought the infamous twin assassins, the Chuckle Brothers, into Bournemouth. After a speech by Han that was so infamously boring it caused instant death to all within earshot, excluding those who made their will save, the first contested run for mayor in Bournemouth had begun. Shortly into the campaign, Han put his hirelings to good use, and they managed to not only kill Pandemonium, but also bring him back to life and kill him again, and then push him down the stairs and jump up and down on him before accidentally hitting him in the face with a plank of wood. In the aftermath of this, Squirtle vanished completley and has never again been seen to this day.

The run for mayor ended when a huge meteor crashed into the city, resulting in Cranberry Piker being the winner. He changed the city's trolling industry over to the much more lucrative frotting industry, a move which upset the residents as they were born and bred trolls by this point. Han was later killed in a tragic cake-related accident, which was believed to have been orchestrated by the Chuckle Brothers. It was around this point that the alliance of Ghengis Khan and Mahatma Ghandi swept into the city, butchering all inhabitants, and installing their son Ghandi II on the throne of Bournemouth. That was about a week ago. Reputedly, the populace are warming to their new monarch, god-king and mayoress.

[edit] Features

• Old peoples homes Houses
• Crypt
• Mausoleum
• Tomb
• Graveyard
• Cemetery
• Sepulchre
• Necropolis
• Blatant overuse of Thesaurus.com Highly intelligent tourism guides
• Mortuary
• Around 50 pubs scattered around various locales
• 100% Authentic Egyptian Pyramid (Made in Taiwan a desert somewhere)
• Friendly Tolerable Interesting residents always willing to tell you where you can go give you directions
• A strong, unique aroma of dead or dying people nice stuff can be smelled the whole city wide
• Plentiful rubble and corpses rockeries and over well-grown gardens