Boy Scouts of America
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“"I did not have sexual relations with this boy scout!"”
“Hurry up, you lazy bum! I've got a switcblade on me!”
~ Anonymous Boy Scout
“Beekeeping! I love Merit Badges!”
“Wow, can you imagine what this organization would be like if I had my way and the national bird was a turkey?"”
“Pine tree? Five needles? Obviously a red oak"”
~ Nature Directors
“"They teach those little kids karate. We need to bomb them, THEY ARE A THREAT!"”
“"I've had it with all these mother fuckin' boy scouts in this mother fuckin' scout camp"”
~ Field Sports Instructor
Contents |
[edit] Overview
The Boy Scouts of America is a feared paramilitary group firmly rooted in American culture. With strong ties to the German "Voy Skouts," and the Mirror World "Amerikanns Spaghetti Boys," the BSA is enlisted to perform many peace-keeping missions in the Heartland of America. An average scout will see 5 tours of duty before being discharged or killed. The Scouts are currently deployed in hotspots around the country, such as Wichita, Milwaukee, and Hartford.
[edit] History
[edit] Creation
As mentioned, the Boy Scouts of America or BSA was created on a hot summer morning in July, somewhere of the coast of Puerto Rico. As the legend goes, a poor apple peddler was assaulted by four Swedish mobsters in large (and rather conspicuous) Native American costumes. A young boy saw this occur, and quickly flipped open his cellular telephone to call for assistance, since he was way to much of a coward to fight the Indian-costume-wearing men. Although later deemed unneccesary, he phoned both the US army and the FDA. Regardless, he was honored with a shiny bronze plaque for his heroic actions. The award ceremony went flawlessly, until a middle-aged and slightly balding man staggered towards the celebration. Luckily, he was shot five (5) times in the groin by some rouge LAPD officers without a cause. Finally, the real party got started. Breakdancing, large glasses of iced tea and HOT BABES! Ironically enough, the CIA later arrested the young boy on charges of embezzlement, fraud and treason, for linkage to the KGB (or whatever they were called in the 50's). So, current king by divine right Homsar decided to create the Boy Scouts of America to support orange farmers, since everybody knows Russians hate oranges.
[edit] Early Stuff
The orange-farming industry of the boy scouts prospered for a good number of years, until the introduction of robots and Mexicans. Of course, nobody really cared. People did care, however, about the increasing number of hours young boys spent outside. This pissed off many unimportant people, including Libertarians like Karl Rove. They decided that there were only three (3) courses of action:
- Force Rosie O'Donnell to announce her candidacy in the 2008 presidential election
- Blow something up to relieve stress
- Create a new chapter in the no-longer-useful Boy Scouts of America
Later, the invention of the computer would prove these steps unnecesary, but in the infamous words of Jackie Chan, "Eh."
[edit] Modern Boy Scout-ing
Today's modern Boy Scouts (you may refer them as "'bouts" if you so desire) do everything that the old Boy Scouts wish they could have done -- and more. Their activities range from "sitting in front of the TV", "Playing Video-type games," quoting Monty Python, helping old people by wearing rolled-up camo pants and hiking boots, and for the adventure loving: "Friggin' Sleeping." People are much more pleased with their children now that they dont waste their time being outside and getting excersise. Perhaps one day, the BSA will become so streamlined that members wont do anything. At all. Unfortunatly, science has predicted that those new Scouts who achieve this seemingly awesome state of nirvana will die from lack of oxygen in around two and a half minutes. So basically, the Boy Scouts program helps keep our kids indoors and obese. It also keeps them from getting scurvy. Y'know, with the oranges and all.
[edit] Future?!?!?
[edit] How It Works
The Boy Scouts of America has always been a secretive oragnization. However, we've managed to attain some knowledge on their activites:
[edit] Meetings
The Scouts tend to meet on a weekly basis, most of the time in the back room of their local Church of Scientology. Most meetings seem to be broken down into phases.
- Phase One: Paperwork is done, most of the time by old people.
- Phase Two: Lots and lots of hazing (see fraternity)
- Phase Three: Hibernation
- Phase Four: Either a trip to Taco Bell or Burger King
- Phase Five: Transition directly from feudalism to socialism, skipping capitalism
- Phase Six: Random outburst of dining hall songs and accompanying hand motions
- Phase Seven: Kicking the crap out of the youngest scout in the parking lot
- Final Phase: Secret rituals and "Orange Sacrifice"
[edit] Merit Badgers
At one time it was thought that Scouts were awarded "Merit-type Badges" in recognition of their (un)achievements. This is an utter lie. They are in actuality given a dead badger, usually accompanied with some old socks, and maybe a moldy orange. Some, but not all of the merit badgers include citizenship badger, first aid badger, electronics badger, and mammal studies badger.
[edit] Camping
Also a complete lie. Maybe if you f***ing read the top of the article I wouldnt have to explain why this isn't real. Go ahead you f***ing genius, explain to me what camping has to do with staying inside. It's practically the opposite! God. If I had a nickel for each nickel I had, then I'd have 5.678 nickels!
[edit] Fundraiserz
This part of the Boy Scouts of America is actually a real thing. Scouts often band together in small hunting groups to fund-raise in order for them to pay for their ever-increasing energy bills. This may either be because:
- Scientologist churches make you pay the bill
or
- Boy Scouts eat electricity
Scouts tend to try to trick people unfortunate enough to live near them to buy old pairs of scissors or razor blades.
[edit] Ranks
The ranks include the following (ordered from lowest rank to highest rank):
- Janitor
- Dinosaur
- Kangaroo
- Wallaby
- Llama
- Tenderloin
- Star
- Life
- 1337
- Indiana Jones
- God
- Chuck Norris
- Eagle Scout
- Theodore Roosevelt
[edit] Sports
Crunkball is the official sport of the Boy Scouts.
[edit] Famous Troop Leaders
Some famous troop leaders of the Boy Scouts include:
[edit] Honorary Presidents
After Lucario's resignation, George W. Bush became the honorary president of the Boy Scouts of America. This is actually true. They are probably ashamed about that.
However, because he's merely honorary he's basically done nothing for the organization. The BSA is extremely glad about that.
[edit] Terrorism
The boy scouts is even more widely feared then Britney Spears in many reigons of Californa, after they teamed up with vikings and looted San Fransisco. George Bush, the president of the Boy Scouts, claims that he had nothing to do with this and that looting and the "dirty ass hippies in San Fransico deserved it anyway." He is going to bomb them all at the next Jamboree.
[edit] Policy on homosexuals, atheists, agnostics, and blasphemers
The Boy Scouts currently think they are
