Brad

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

A Brad is vast string of code inhabiting a mass of Intergalactic node's appearing on our Earth around the time Prince was riding a motorcycle and bathing with doves.

It Is unknown what causes a Brad to move or form thoughts. There have been no studies into its motion sources, or cognitive abilities, Yet we know it does move and think - our eyes and ears have told us, not to mention the late 70's tele-docu-noir-drama "A Brad for Algernon".

Much Like famous hot-wife Fidel Castro Brad are addicted to Cigars and Pop Rocks candy, of which they have been hoarding on the moon since the Matrix-Nets-Battle of Trafalgar.com whence such candy delights were banned and replaced with naught but sticks an coal, and naught but deadly ape and Demon's with harsh pitchforks would prick the supple behinds of such children that dared to sample the sweet sweet delights.

Ba'Thokk the Cave Troll inspecting some Brad in an urn, yesterday

Probably the most famous, yet unknown fact about Brad is its relation to a well known song.

The 1962 novelty song Monster Mash by Bobby "Boris" Pickett was supposedly based on a real meeting of Brad in 1949, somewhere near Roswell, New Mexico , though the original attendees were not the Wolfman, Frankenstein, the Mummy and Dracula but instead were various Brad, Mr. Hooper, Hamburgular, Cindy Lauper (who sang a version of the song that was then adapted by Bobby Pickett) and Chuck Yeager.

Original Lyrics included such gems as:

The Brad were having fun / The party had just begun / The guests included Brad node-point 43E7 / Mr Hooper and Brad node-point 68G4

This next fact has an interesting twist, only seeing its then perverted light of day many years later when the Beach Boys massacred the original copy of the original version by making their own original version and removing all references to Text Fields(replacing them with a reference to the then unknown child-star Igor "Le Recidivist" Gravedigger) and removing the mention of the arrival of Brad node-points 45T3 to 46R7 and replacing them with either the "Crypt Kicker Five" or their own name, dependent on version.

The scene was rocking / All the digging sounds / Text Control Fields unchained? / The coffin bangers were about to arrive / With a local group, the Brad node-points 45t3 to 46r7 Jamsquad

It was a great misfortune of Miss Lauper that she accidentally did not secure the rights to this song and Bobby Pickett stole it a few years later. With the Wolfman, Dracula (and his son), Frankenstein, Colonel Sanders and the Mummy too, he recorded the version of the Monster Mash we all know and love today. And as mentioned earlier this led to the the less loved Beach Boys version being ham-fistedly expunged like air from a bloated corpse upon the world - the version known best for inciting Jim Morrison to start his cult and later kill over 900 people in a mass suicide.

1 Magical Powers?
2 Ports
3 Ingredients
4 Controversy
5 Famous Brad
6 Linkage

[edit] Magical Powers?

Mang Pheptis milking a morphed Brad for its tea, yesterday

It is thought that a Brad may be able to use what is commonly known as magical powers.

Also, and I read this yesterday just before Louanne came around, she had bought a lovely cake, it was a sort of chocolate-date concoction and we had some lovely tea with it. Ended up spending the best half of the morning just chatting away on the porch together. I didn't know this but since Alexi had moved to St Petersburg he has gotten married and finally finished his studies at the auditorium. Joan is well too, she is still with Cherie, I still to this day would never have imagined her growing into a carpet muncher!

It's is known to morph into various forms such as Mega Jesse Owens, Ham, Bastard, Ape or Monkey and Crow all of which have been documented in photographs and loving illustrations by the QUeens Beardsmen using mixed media. As of yet no post to YouTube or Flash animations with generic and anoying characters with equally abhorrent catch phrases have been made of these occurrences - so its basically a non-event.

In its morphed Ape/monkey form it is known to release liquids.

It's ability to release a type of rustic tea when squeezed under the right arm pit has been seen and performed by only the most daring! , and it is said the tea gives the drinker the ability to see dead people, script, manifest Soviet Destiny, and dance like t'was 1999.

Its greater "magic" abilities or powers are only known from reports by supposed "eye witnesses" to such occurrences , none have been video taped or seen by either groups, scientists or Bea Arthur - who could have taken a photo with her Brownie Box.

Many believe the eyewitnesses to be fibbers and that they are just under the spell of a Brad and that it had just ensorcelled them into believing it had magic power instead. Like a Magic Space David Copperfield esorcelling a deadly ape.

Powers may include:

Shooting lightning from fingers
Magic Missiles of at least a 6th level wizard ability
The ability to use simple objects as tools.
The ability to command and control simple rugs and skins.
The power to grow Sloth Hooks, not unlike the dude in Terminator 2 who gets the pointy silver hands when he is angry
Sundry powers

[edit] Ports

Image of a Brad that has shrunk a Famicom to incey size and is using it "shell like" as a hermit crab would

Brad have been ported onto many different systems and consoles, they are but possibly but not limited to:

Super Famicom
Various Cocktail or table cabinet Arcade machines
Vectrex System
Necro George Harrison Games Sitar
Magnavox Odyssey
Intellivision
Atari 2600
Commodore 16, Vic 20 and 64
The Overclocked Love of Our Baby Jesus 7000

Brad have also been ported to various operating systems.

Intergalactic standards, such as those promulgated by Necro George Harrison and the Sitar Army , greatly facilitate porting Brad because they specify the details of the hut-like environment in which he must exist in a way that varies very little among the possible riverbeds on which he will end up resting. Often, porting Brad between two platforms that implement the same standard (such as, for instance, POSIX.1 or the Feast of Lent ), is simply a matter of recompiling the Brad on the new bed of weeds and lichen.

Such ports include but are not limited to:

Mac OS
Microsoft Windows (Only until version 3.1
GNU/Linux.
The Land of Wind and Time
OS/2
AmigaOS
Steve Gutenberg

[edit] Ingredients

Women harvesting Brad on the planet Vrelm 7

Known ingredients include but are not limited to:

Nodes
Points
Pieces of Eight
Malassezia furfur
Dogs or Cats
Mr. Huxtable
Infant
Tetrasodium EDTA
Mixamatosis
Black Billiard Balls
Skinks
The milk of pygmy goats.
Ammonium Xylenesulfonate
Ebola
Mad Max pieces
Grain

The many substances that go into making a Brad are said to contain many valuable chemicals and gems , also their fur and hide is valuable , and so is their tea, For these and many other reasons , including sport, they are stabbed in the guts many times and used for many purposes.

On The moon Russians harvest brad to make gorgeous jumpers, and in Russia the Brad harvest you. The rustic tea is sometimes harvested to help failing rock and pop stars regain their glory. One such star is said to like it being ladled over his balls with an ancient Roman shield (Russel Crowe) , and Elton John is said to have a Brad tea enema every 15 minutes, but purely for sexual gratification.

[edit] Controversy

There has sometimes been confusion between the Brads and The Brad, the stalker who is often employed by Llamas. If you followed the link on the llama page that took you here, and you have no life, or perhaps you _are_ THE BRAD, then you should maybe write a new page specifically about this Brad and correct the link. If you don't know enough about The Brad to write said page, then the Brad is probable stalking you right now, so I suggest you look behind you at varying intervals to confuse the Brad and maybe get a chance at seeing it.