Brain
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“What you don't have ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Brain
The brain's exact purpose remains unknown. Some physiologists believe that, similar to the appendix, it is merely the vestige of an organ which was once useful for our ancestors. Another popular theory, first promulgated by Aristotle, is that the brain functions as a blood-cooling device, much in the manner of the large ears of the desert fox, or a dog's tongue. Whatever it's purpose, in many people the brain shrivels to the size of a cashew during puberty.
Scientists have suggested that in order to fully understand the workings of a human brain, we would require a higher level of understanding than is possible with the aforementioned human brain. This is known as the "In order to fully understand the workings of a human brain, we would require a higher level of understanding than is possible with the aforementioned human brain" Paradox. As far as paradox's go, it's pretty stupid, and the scientists didn't need brains to figure that one out.
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[edit] History of the Brain
The brain, originally from Japan, has appeared in several knock-off products, including but not limited to otters and, to a far lesser extent, hungry hungry hippos. The brain 2.0, due to come out some time in the next century, promises more user-friendly options such as more memory and faster chip speed. The drawback, say the producers, is that only man-eating lions and African giraffes will have access to it.
[edit] How The Brain Works
In general, when dosed with liberal amounts of alcohol, the thought muscles of the brain take a well-earned rest. Under some circumstances however, alcohol induces conscious thought in a brain which previously did not have this ability.
[edit] Memory
Now, as far as I can remember, the memory section of the brain is located in Narnia, and is protected from intruders by the seven seals of Zarnath. This is why it's so very hard to remember things. Fortunately, the memory section of the average brain can hold 50 megabytes of information before having to flush out the system.
[edit] Free Will
Scientists, and their humongous brains, have recently located the part of the brain that controls free will. The Free Will Lobe is located in the frontal lobe, near the ice machine. It controls all your actions and thoughts, whether you want it to or not. Actions and thoughts include, but are not limited to, your choice to read this article, your reaction to it, and the feeling of uneasiness you currently have.
[edit] Intelligence
The brain is apparently the most intelligent organ in the body, according to whichever organ is commanding me to write this sentence right now. Other organs, such as the gut, claim to have high levels of intelligence. Whether or not this is true, brains know that they actually have very little influence on the actions of human beings, no matter what it said in the previous section on free will.
The phrases "gut-check" and "I know it in my gut" are cause for a never-ending parade of teasing from the intestines. Thoughts coming from intestines usually include "oh my god, what is THIS?" and "please, no more marshmallows!".
[edit] Memory
Now I'm no "brainologist", and I sure as hell don't know the first thing about brains, but I believe that the memory portion of the brain can only be located by a dimensional portal that leads to the realm of dreams, just this side of Narnia.
[edit] Dreams
When the brain is extremely bored, it metaphorically "poops" out dreams to keep from going into a coma. If you've never had dreams, or if there was a night when you didn't have any dreams, you either had more important things to do or there is something seriously messed up with you.
[edit] Memory
Now I have no idea what a brain is, but I think memory has to do with brains. Either that, or memory is kept in the guts. It takes guts to say that, I suppose.
[edit] Insanity
The Cyprus Hill song, Insane in the Membrane refers to insanity located in or about the region commonly known as the Brain. Insanity itself could be caused by many different factors, including but not limited to being in 'Nam.
A good test of whether one is insane or not is the following: Look behind you. If you did not expect to see anyone there, you are obviously not paranoid enough. Look behind you again. If there is not a person standing behind you, you're obviously not looking hard enough. Consider yourself insane.
[edit] Self-Awareness
- oh lord, see this first: UnNews:Massive stadium brawl breaks out over contemporary solipsist philosophy
- oh no, see this too: The Critique of Pure Reason
The brain realizes that a person perceiving one's own thoughts means that there must exist an outside observer to perceive those thoughts. It knows, okay? You don't have to keep bringing it up all the time! It's called the "apperception" and, like Brian, it also thinks it's too good for us brains.
[edit] Memory
I remember memory, like some far-off dream, sneaking into the corners of my mind in the dead of night... in a fog... wrapped in a haze. Memory, something I have already forgotten, screams at me to remember it, but dare I? No. I prefer jokes that overstay their welcome.
[edit] Clarification
Brains are not to be confused with "Brians", a large type of human that engages in sports. Brains are very jealous of Brian, although they don't let on. Being very shy, brains envy Brian and his muscular torso. Brains don't have journals, but if they did, you could bet it would be filled to the brim with emoish musings.
[edit] Other Brain Facts
Brains are not just the things behind your forehead that control your every action...
[edit] ...As Food
Brains are among the primary food source for zombies and other creatures in the night, including several seemingly normal people, who are just waiting for the opportunity to get their hands on your succulent, nutrient-rich brain. Brains have been found to be the perfect "diet" food for losing weight! I'm not saying that it would be okay to eat brains... but you don't hear me saying it's wrong either. Remember: There's no law against cannibalism.
[edit] ...As Jealous
Brains also are tired of seeing their name prominently misspelled on the sports trophies of guys named Brian. Brian, with his rippling torso, has his own brain! Why can't he just leave me alone? I'm not bothering anyone important!
[edit] See also
- Amygdala
- Brain Peppers
- Pinky and the Brain
- Zombie
- Cephalophobia
- Einstein
- Mirror neurons
- Pixellated Brain Disease
- Dramamine Pathway
- Lobotomy
- Brain Pop
[edit] External links
- Rat Ate My Brain
- Zombie Cat wants BRAAAAAAAINSSS!
- If this does not turn you off to drugs, than you have probably been a long-term user, hahahaha!
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