Brains Bitter
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Brains Bitter is brewed in Cardiff, Wales. Brains brew several different bitters. By far the most popular being Brains SA, the 'SA' standing for 'Skull Attack.' They also brew Brains Dark (aka fake Guinness) and a mythical lager that has never been seen (and no one really wants to drink anyway).
Contents |
[edit] Origin of Name
There are several myths as to how Brains got its name, detailed below are some of the most prevalent:
- The water used in the making of Brains is extracted from the river Taff, and the locals attribute the particularly 'Dead' taste of the beer to the myriad of dead things in the Taff. Brains Bitter is advertised using the slogan 'It's Brains you Want', which is because the dead things in the beer turn you into a dead thing and you get an insatiable desire to eat brains. This should not be confused with being a zombie, which requires more makeup. Fortunately the desire for brains and other offal can be satisfied in 'Chippy Lane', which is how Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson met as they stumbled into each other whilst searching for more Brains in Dorothy's.
- Due to a shortage of cement at the time and a high number of dead people on the streets the canny welsh used a mixture of human brains and pigeon droppings to build the now famous Brains Brewery.
- Heavy consumption of Brains, as with most forms of alcohol, actually enables people to use portions of the brain that they remain otherwise unaware of. These being the teleportocranium which enables you to teleport, explaining why after a night out drinking Brains you have no recollection of the journey home. Either the cerebralargumentus which enables you to argue about the smallest and most insignificant thing or Lovecortex which enables you to have empathy with everything and love everyone may also be stimulated (by their nature only one of these can be active at any one time). Also the Sexysternam which enables you to see the true attractiveness of yourself and every member of the opposite sex (or for homosexuals, their own sex).
[edit] Cultural Significance
Brains is particularly significant in Wales as it is the staple alcoholic drink of choice for the Welsh. In Wales it is tradition to drink until you throw up at least 4 nights a week, thus Brains has become very important to Welsh tradition and culture. Also, by drinking Brains the Welsh can avoid drinking beer brewed in England and thus funding the enemy. This is seen as vital to the Welsh resistance and has led to the slogan "a Brains a day keeps the English away" being plastered on many a wall over Wales.
[edit] People who have had their lives enhanced by Brains
Tom Jones, international Welshman and inventor of 'Orange', found himself tied to a tree in Llanberis with a sign on his head declaring him to be the second coming of Duckula. Sir Tom put this down to Brains, declaring 'It's not unusual'.
Jesus, whilst out on a bender in Cardiff, decided to do the 'water into wine' mojo on everyone's drinks. It's a shame the boy had been on Brains Bitter, as he accidentally turned water into wife. This was embarrassing, as not one man in the pub had been with his wife.
Elton John, demonstrative homosexual and royal songs person, once wrote a song whilst gazing at a pint of Brains. It shot to number 34 in the charts and stayed there for a whole month without shifting up or down. 'You know, I am truly baffled by this' was the only comment he was heard to make.
Eddie the Eagle, dramatic skiing near - champion, puts his success entirely down to his training regime of swimming butt naked in one hundred gallons of Brains before taking flight on his skis. 'You can't get beer with fewer bubbles in it anywhere else, and that's the secret to good skiing' he said as a hundred gypsies travelled round his house in a tight formation.
Chris Rock, black funnyman, attributes his sense of humour entirely to Brains effect on his dancing. By imbibing a pint before taking to the floor, Rock danced like an angel on cough - drops. 'That's funny because before I was missing the upper third of my right leg, however Brains seems to have found the missing piece and nailed it back on. Bravo Brains!' he was quoted as saying.
Keiko the Killer Whale found a job in the Brains Brewery in Cardiff, where he has been mixing the water before it goes into the fermenters with his big flappy tail. 'He's not been himself since Free Willy' a co-worker was overheard saying.
John Prescott, second in command of the whole of the UK, attributes his fine physique to Brains. He uses four barrels of the wonder - beer as weights with which he exercises his mighty sexual organ. Visitors to his ministerial office have to be quick on their feet as a cry of 'Eh, tha's done it now' is often followed by an airborne barrel travelling at high velocity.
[edit] Magical Powers
As the above testimony hints at, Brains Bitter has many occult and scary powers. It is rumoured that weird purple mists and incantations follow the barrelling of a new batch at the brewery. This has never been proven, however an over zealous barman tapped a barrel before a druid had time to make it safe. He can now be found in a corner of the Crwys on Crwys Road, Cardiff, muttering about demons from the yeasty beyond who bide their time. He only drinks blue WKD now.
If used properly of course, Brains Bitter can cure many ailments. For example, a dripping nose can be remedied by inserting a half - pint of Brains through the lungs. This has the effect of spreading a foamy carpet all over the body for approximately a second. When it evaporates, the irritating drip is gone.
[edit] See Also
Categories: Drink | Alternative medicine | Beer | Beverages | Drinks | Welsh
