Brazil
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| This article is of Brazilian mood and hates Argentina. It may talk about things like football, samba, monkeys or Portuguese jokes. You can talk with its authors seaching for them on Orkut web site or in a Tibia server. Be careful, because this content is controlled by the evil television channel Globo. The Squid president welcomes you for a fantastic adventure in a true Brazilian favela while dancing like a crab. | 
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| UNAMERICAN |
| This article hates America, just like everyone else does. See more about Unamerica. |
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| Motto: "It's not our fault!" | |||||
| Anthem: "The Girl From Ipanema" (at elevators and department stores), "Roots, Bloody Roots" (war song) | |||||
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| Capital | Rio de Janeiro (in Summer), Buenos Aires (in winter) | ||||
| Largest city | Timbuktu | ||||
| Official languages | a strange Spanish dialect called Portuguese | ||||
| Government | Suruba | ||||
| -Bono's Friend | Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Blanka, Sean, Carlos | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 4 days before 9/11 | ||||
| Currency | Bananaphones | ||||
| Religion | New Age, Voodoo, Fundamentalist Evangelicals, The Cult of The Butt
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| Population | A very rough estimative:
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Brazil is a pirate haven turned into a country on September 7, 1822 (September is such a creepy month, isn't it?). Brazil is best known for its history of cannibalism, its topless (for transvestites, bottomless for females) chick-esque culture of no-clothesism, its legendary soccer hooliganism and other criminal activities[2].
Contents |
History
The Cannibalistic Era
After several millenniums being a no-man's (read: Indians) land, Brazil was finally discovered by Cabral the Odorous in 1500 A.D. and immediately settled by Portuguese pickpockets and pirates. The 'Porras' were promptly eaten by the local Indians after getting their wives and mother-in-laws pregnant [citation needed]. Despite the Portuguese now being technically extinct, their mixed-race descendants continued the pretense of the so-called "country" and brought African slaves in who, in turn, ate the remnants of the Indians, who were, by all accounts, delicious [citation needed].
In the year 1580 A.D., the king of Portugal lost a poker game to the king of Spain. As an inconsequential result, Brazil reverted to the Spanish Crown and became occupied by Spanish Jesuits and settlers. In 1640 A.D., when it was finally established that the king of Spain had been cheating at cards, Brazil was handed back to Portugal and the Spanish-Brazilians had to learn Portuguese to be allowed to remain. It was a bad deal for the Spaniards; the cannibals, now 100% Christian, promptly ate them. They were apparently tasty but tough. Finally the colonists and natives lived side by side and developed a Língua Geral, or common language. The Europeans had brought disease with them, and most cannibals died out. After that a majority of the people decided to eat shellfish instead and the cannibalistic era was over.
The Brazilian Empire
In 1822, due to Simon Bolivar's terror campaign that lead to the independence of the Hispanic America, the King of Portugal, Don One the Chicken-Eater, told his elder son Peter the Womanizer to proclaim himself the Emperor of Brazil in order that, one day, eventually, Brazil and Portugal would rejoin. The plan didn't work out, and when Peter heard that, due a chicken bone choking incident, the throne of Portugal was vacant, he leaped from his feet and left Brazil to his 5 year-old son, Peter II, The Santa Clone.
By the mid-19th century, Queen Victoria told Peter II that African slavery was quite a smelly stuff. Moreover, it was making Brazil so black that it was getting harder and harder to take it seriously in international diplomacy. Peter, being a Santa Claus clone and by so being obviously a very kind-hearted man, disliked slavery himself and tried to end it by steps. With his first law, he managed to set free all slaves older than 70. With the lifestyle of Brazilian slaves being unhealthily luxurious, this law resulted in two slaves being freed: Uncle Tom and Aunt Helga, who were promptly thrashed to within an inch of their lives and expelled to live on the streets by their owner. Furthermore they were also unfortunately too senile to be present at the law's commemoration. In this way an the admirable intentions of Peter II were perverted.
Peter the Santa Clone also was concerned about Brazil turning into Haiti and a voodoo shaman overthrowing him due to his excessive whiteness. He lured some European immigrants to the country promising them free land. Most of these immigrants were promptly eaten by the cannibalistic locals, who were overzealous in their native traditions, including, of course, cannibalism. However, some of them did manage to escape and take refuge in the southern and south-western prairies of the country, nearby Argentina. That's why white Brazilian sightings are, if not common, at least not unheard of in the remote Southern regions.
War on Paraguay
During the age of the Brazilian Empire, the country went to war against the neighboring Paraguay. This war was due to after-effects of colonialism in Latin America, and a diplomatic incident, when Paraguayan president Francisco Solano Lopez El Quesoso said, "Brazil is ridiculous" and received a prompt answer: "Paraguay is even more ridiculous". In reply, Paraguay answered through its embassy: "And you are ridiculously ridiculous" and heard back: "You are ridiculously ridiculously ridiculous". This diplomatic exchange kept going for 14 years until the word "ridiculously" was filling 1,591 diplomatic bags for each exchange, and they found this fact somewhat ridiculous. So the two countries waged war to see who was more ridiculous. The battle was over a river plate region, and Brazil won.[3]
The End of Monarchy
After nineteen laws setting free specific portions of the slave population ("Just the ones with a mole on the left ear", "Just the ones lacking one member - eunuchs not included", "Just the soul singers", "Just the ones capable of growing a bee beard"), in 1888, Peter's daughter, Isabel The Plain, decided to really put an end to slavery. She had a discussion with her slave housemaid about hygiene — Africans have the weird habit of bathing daily instead of monthly. This upset many influential sectors of the Brazilian populace, as they could not tell the blacks from the less-than-blacks anymore. So, in 1891, the Monarchy was overthrown by a military coup and Isabel was sent into exile in Paris, France. She never did manage to express her gratitude in coherent words .
The First Brazilian Republic
Not interesting. Let's move on.
The Glorious Civilian Dictatorship
Getúlio Vargas, also known as Vargas the Cheap, raised to power in another coup in 1930. He was born in Rio Grande do Sul, a place with almost no ties to Brazilian mainstream culture, or anything else, for that matter. As xenophobia was fashionable at the time, a need for an official Brazilian stereotype made itself painfully obvious. He decided that a "Brazilian" was one who behaved in a manner most conforming to Rio de Janeiro's local slurs. As a matter of tolerance to his supporting elites, being a Brazilian could not only mean being the folkloric illiterate good savage[4], but also being a European wannabe. What was intolerable is behaving like an American Imperialistic Pig or having any sympathy towards that despicable country with an abbreviation in place of a real name. These simple but effective ideas eventually caught on.
As a part of his nationalistic policies, Vargas decided to outlaw Jews, Italians, cannibals, and Germans. The latter allowed Brazil to court the favor of the Allies in WWII. Despite Vargas being a fascist himself, the Americans gave a lot more in terms of diplomatic benefits[5] so Brazil joined "forces" with the Allies. In fact, the Allies didn't give a shit about Brazil's military force; they just wanted something to laugh at and some black people to carry ice chunks to their tents. Fighting for democracy while having a fascist dictator made Brazilians a little confused and so, in order to avoid thinking too much, they overthrew Vargas for a start. And proceeded to democratically re-elect him right after. In 1954, Vargas killed himself, after discovering that not being a dictator meant that people could write things about him.
The Hateful Military Dictatorship
In 1961, the landowner João Goulart the Skinny, one of the richest men in Brazil, became the country's first communist President, but was deposed by a military coup three years later. In 1964, the new self-imposed dictator, Generalissimo Humberto Castello Branco The Neckless sent the Brazilian Army to invade the Dominican Republic from where Brazil tried to launch an invasion on USA to put an end to that hippie buffoonery. Fortunately for the American hippie mofos, the Brazilian government soon realized its mistake: they were destroying almost all of the potential tourists to Brazil. You can only get some interest in Brazil if you are a hippie bitch. Or a sex tourist, who have moral superiority over a hippie, but is still a freakin' loser who can't get laid at home.
Until this hippie incident, Commie parties in Brazil were severely repressed. Nevertheless, the military found their destruction of traditional values quite appealing to sex tourists, so all of the remaining Communists were kept in special safehouses built in Brazilian universities. The side effect of this policy is the rampant anti-Americanism of almost all Brazilians. However, Brazilian culture is nevertheless warm and receptive, and they can easily forget about this for about two US Dollars (Subject to inflation). [6]
The Democracy, Yay!
Despite some complaints that giving a voting schedule to a Brazilian was like giving a razor to a chimpanzee, democracy caught on during the 80's.Soon educated Brazilians[7] would realize that it would be less of a disaster giving razors to Brazilian people instead.
Government and Policy
Being colonized by pickpockets, pirates and mafia underbosses, Brazil is... nah, you know, you watch the news...
By the way, there are important issues when talking about Brazilian politics. The communists, sent to the Universities by the military dictatorship, started to develop their own administrative theories, in spite of the ANPT (Administration Non-Proliferation Treaty)
Now that the Commies are in power, Brazil is governed by the Robin Hood principle, as elequently (if vaguely) stated in the Brazilian constitution. Every bandit, provided they're poor, is a victim of the Brazilian unequal society and those damn American Imperialists. So every criminal is considered his own personal Robin Hood for judgement purposes, stealing from the rich to give it to the poor — the poor, in this case, being the bandit himself. So, don't worry about raping 90 children! Boys will be boys; you will be released in about a year or two. But Brazil's rampant violence is, no doubt, America's fault. It's worth noticing that, even if a poor evil-doer has the aforementioned moral high ground advantage over his rich colleague, this still doesn't appear to have changed the very dearly held tradition (even obligation) of rich burglars giving bribes to Brazilian justice officers (this is also known as the principle of "Honour amongst thieves")
Another oft-cited theory is the Principle of Reality, defended by all Commies now in power. The middle class - officially, the petite-bourgeois - is loathsome and because they are not poor they bring shame to the country. Because of the existence of the middle class, Brazil cannot be considered poor as a whole and therefore be the subject of international pity and receive debt amnesty and other goodies. So, in stroke of genius, the middle-class was officially classified as non-existent upon the surge of the Commies to power. This way, all Brazilian movies have a maximum quota of teeth to be displayed lest they not receive public funds, and a middle-class Brazilian cannot appear on your television (unless, of course, the producers pay a tax increment on exportation of those products targeted only for domestic comsumption). This way, despite both of the Brazilians you will meet on the Internet being middle-class, just ignore them. They don't officially exist, and considering their existence is a level 5 crimethink in Brazil, punishable by 30 years in confinement, sans the option of bail.
Brazilian Politicians
According to the local folklore, Brazilian politicians can only be killed with stakes, holy water or exorcisms from the Pope himself. The most popular theory is that they are Sauron's orcs in disguise, while some favor the idea that they are, in fact, Dracula's poor cousins enjoying their retirement in a tropical country. Support for the latter comes from famed politician-slash-dark-wizard Ioseph Dircaeus, who has been seen riding a Nazgul in the sky. His natural enemies are old men with canes and men abused by their wives (ie, Jefferson). They also tend not to like orcs.
They can be separated into 3 subsections:
- The Corrupt: Approximately 99.37% of the Brazilian government can be classified here.
- The Pure: Uncorrupted as of yet. Also known as "first-termers" or "idiots"
- The Inane: President Squidward.
Economics
Brazil's main exports are transgender and mulatta wives to Europe. Brazil is also known on a global scale for its democratization of computers - you may buy any software for about $4, in open air, with no police issues raised. McDonald's internet cafes provided the base for the orkut takeover by angry Brazilian semi-literates.
Brazil's main imports are:
- Almost everything non-edible from China (yeah, no big deal)
- Smuggled goods from Paraguay (including returned stolen and hijacked Brazilian cars, washed "clean" in Paraguay)
- Snacks and non-hippie/non-sexual tourists from Argentina (too poor for a decent trip)
- Delicatessens and anti-American ideology from Europe
- Tons of dope and some gratuitous resentment from Bolivia and Paraguay
- Flute players from Peru
- 1-litre beer bottles from Uruguay[11]
- Criminals, terrorists and other fugitives from everywhere (warm and receptive, remember)
- Dollars and Euros from college-degree toilet-washing illegals from all around the world
Brazil has four transnational corporations:
- Globo: makes Mexican soap operas in Portuguese and television children shows featuring former go-go girls as hostesses. Brazil has a deep tradition in its soaps, differing from Mexican ones in that the main female character wears a bikini ad nauseum and has sex before marriage with her passing acquaintances, who, by the way, wear Hawaiian shirts with the 4 top buttons opened, instead of possessing a mustache.
- Universal Church of the Kingdom of God: a strange cult based on miracles for money. Their faith is practiced on former movie theaters turned into über-kitsch "temples".
- Habib's: makes money selling tiny floppy over-moisturized pizzas called "sfihas". They call it Arabian food, despite topping these things with pork sausages.
- Petrobras: despite the gas-inspired name, they are now trying to introduce sugar cane alcohol in USA. Just try to start a 100% ethanol fueled car in the winter — and we are talking about the Brazilian winter[12], not your pansy little "oh-look-some-snow" winter. Actually, Petrobras' main products are not gasoline or ethanol, but CEO chairs to trade to political allies and all of the Brazilian state-subsided movie production. Do you remember watching any Brazilian movie? So do Brazilians.
Society and Culture
Brazilians have a warm and receptive culture. For instance, they received Ronald Biggs, Augusto Stroessner and Josef Mengele with open legs arms. With their warm and receptive justice code, any criminal, rapist, genocidal dictator or serial killer can feel at home in Brazil.
Er... Sorry, but however uncomfortable, we have to talk a little about this. Brazilians are considered somewhat dumb, that is, stupid. Not that there's no dumb people outside Brazil, but that's a confirmed fact[citation needed]. The Brazilian international IQ average is 85[13]. The same distance that separates them from the 105 IQ'ed Japanese separates the average American from Forrest Gump[14]. As an example demonstrating such dumbness, when Brazilians are told that they are dumb, they answer that they are dumb because they are poor. This is an excellent argument. They could have followed the example of Koreans, who were dumb and poor as hell but at least were smart enough to decide to not be dumb anymore and, thus, stop being poor. Unfortunately, Brazilians are too dumb to follow examples. Sad.
Brazilians are not racist. Brazilian history has extensively proven how easy having a non-racist penis is; because of the mad-dash of interracial sex and pregnancy, they have about 10,000 "races" there, each defined by a proper adjective for being less-than-black or blacker-than-average (pardo, café-com-leite, sarará, moreninho, petróleo, Pelé, etc.). Every year there are contests to see who is the least black in each village. It's a tight contest, preceded by record sales of soap and sulphuric acid. In truth Brazilians are really shades of gray between white and black.
The South and Southeast of Brazil is inhabited mainly by decadent conservatives, capitalists, indies, headbangers, rappers and other boring people with no redeeming exoticism to save them from being cursed as "Members of the Western World". For that reason, they pay tribute to maintain the glorious 100% non-Western lush state-subsided cultural melting pot of the rest of the country.
Brazil is the world's main exporter of elevator music. For the ones too poor to afford an elevator, Brazilian also produce the shittiest Latin crap in the world.
Brazilian street fighting, or capoeira, is internationally famous, thanks to some cheesy action movies and popular video games. Capoeira consists of dancing while pretending you are fighting or, inversely, fighting while pretending you are dancing. Yeah, this doesn't work much. Brazilians changed to Jiu Jitsu for urban combat and left the capoeira just as a tourist trap.
And there's the Carnival... Yeah... Well, that's the festival in February or, sometimes, March when Brazilians (un)dress like chickens, flock to the streets, dance to the sound of very annoying music, and proceed to drink and screw a lot. Except for the chicken costumes, all of that occurs all year long in Brazil, so Carnival is damn near pointless, except to the mafia bosses who organize the parades, the sex tourists who want to see the parades, and the TV celebs that dress like chickens during the parades.
Sports
Brazil is internationally known as the home of soccer football. Seems that's the only thing they can do properly. The country is the birthplace of the ugliest best football players of the world, like Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Pelé and Maradona[15].
Despite the common misconception that Brazil is inhabited only by soccer hooligans, there are some rather unusual sports quite popular as well, like Stealing from Tourists, Prison Break, Running From The Cops, Gun Fighting and Bus Torching.
Religions
Despite the vast majority of Brazilians declaring themselves Catholics, the religious scene of Brazil is quite syncretic. Brazilians are all adept in more than one religion at the same time.
- Brazilian-style Catholicism: about the same as normal Catholicism, just that you can wear condoms and screw a lot before, during and after the marriage and don't feel any guilt. Killing a white middle-class person in Brazilian Catholicism is also considered a minor sin if performed by an almost-revolutionary-socially-excluded person.
- Spiritualism: when the world was asking "who is stupid enough to believe in Allan Kardec"...
- Fundamentalist Evangelicals: basically, the local variation was founded by street burglars. But instead of yelling "Your money or your life" they started asking: "Your money or your eternal life".
- Traditional Evangelicals: the same as Fundamentalist Evangelicals but attending services at way poorer churches because their priests never learned how to take as much money from people as the Fundamentalist Evangelical ones do.
- Voodoo: or Macumba, as the locals call it. Afro-Brazilian religion, in which the old Yoruba and Bantu gods had their names exchanged with Catholic saints because these folks are too much ashamed to admit they practice a so 4th worldish thing like voodoo. Funny drumplay, but this religion is almost forgotten, except by state-funded tourist-trapping hula-hulas.
- New Age: you guessed it right. Cheap marijuana, waterfalls, beaches lacking infrastructure, black people lacking teeth... Yeah, Brazil is a hippie's dreamland.
- The Cult of The Butt: actually, the only religion practiced by 100% male Brazilians. The adepts congregate at temples called bars, drink their sacred beverage, and start singing chants about their favourite body part. When a female passes, they perform the sacred ritual named stalking. Historians once thought that the Brazilian flag was inspired by freemasonry, but the real answer is quite obvious from that curve (see above)...
The Amazon
Green. Hot. Big. Shrinking. Overflowing with mosquitoes. 2,000 miles from where 99.99% of Brazilians live, although some people in Glasgow think all the Brazilians live in Amazonia.
See also
Videos
Note: if you don't speak Portuguese, this list is useless to you. Anyway, if you don't speak Portuguese, why are you interested in Brazil? Are you a hippie? Or a sex tourist? In case of the latter, call me at 55 69 6924-2469.
- Jeremias, Brazil's evil and drunk dictator part I part II part III
- Leonaldo, Jeremias's father
- Alborghetti, a famous Brazilian philosopher
- Olavo de Carvalho, a other famous Brasilian "philosopher"
- Ruth Lemos talking-alking about sandwich-ich lags in Counter-Strike-ike
- Brazilian male soccer referee
- Video made by Brazilian Tourism Council to promote tourism abroad the country
- Brazilians FM Radio presenters showing their perfect English
External links
Notes
- ↑ No joke, it was this name for a long time.
- ↑ According to anthropologists, the country is reminiscent of the cannibalistic ages.
- ↑ True.
- ↑ See: Joe Carioca, Carmen Miranda
- ↑ Brazilians found Nazis cooler-looking, but Americans were winning that fucking war!... Brazilians are scoundrelish, but not so dumb...
- ↑ "Sucky sucky, two dollahs!"
- ↑ Note: oxymoron not intended
- ↑ For those who didn't get it: Lula=Squid in Portuguese
- ↑ This picture is from Brazilian Playboy magazine, taken before she started her TV career. Wink wink.
- ↑ Do you think this image should have made this article Not Safe For Work?... Well, that's a damn shame. All of Brazil is not safe for work.
- ↑ We had to say something positive!
- ↑ At its coldest, a minimum of 30º F in very small portions of the country; mostly ranging from 48 to 60 or no winter at all
- ↑ Yeah, that's true
- ↑ Also true...
- ↑ Not true. Maradona is an Agentinian drug addict
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