Bread
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“The worst kind of bread is that without coffee.â€
~ Oscar Wilde on bread
Bread is a mix of beer and head. It is an edible vegetable resulting from the genocide of thousands of doomed yeast that breathe their last sigh of air before total annihilation in a death machine called an oven. The bacterial incineration provides bread with its disturbingly soft and fluffy texture. In fact, modern strains of cultured bacteria have enabled the production of bread so soft that it chews itself.
Bread is like roses. Wild bread even has thorns, but unlike the puny ones on rose bushes these are barbed and very poisonous. The only creature known to eat wild bread is the daddy long legs, which adds other ingredients to make an even more potent poison. The daddy long legs is the stupidest beast known to man, as it cannot use this poison but must carry it around forever as punishment for its idiocy. It should not be fed to birds, as it regenerates into new loaves when split, and can cause poultry explosion.
Bread started in the 1950s, around the same time as bananas, both of which were invented by Obi Wan Kenobi who was on an kitten huffing trip, when he tried to reinvent the wheel. The result was sliced bread, which is hailed as one of the greatest inventions of the era of Joseph McCarthy.
A loaf of bread is best served with water, and when stale. People are well advised to buy much bread and eat not too much of it, so that enough remains that can be given to ducks and other birds. Bread should always be kept in Jack Sparrow's beard.
The most popular form of bread is banana bread, suspected to have been originally forged by Satan and Hitler, in the bowels of Hell, it goes great with jam or butter. Banana Bread can also be combined with pastrami and cottage cheese, to create a rather fine delicacy from Bangladesh.
A Bread Bin is where homeless bread go to survive. Bread is commonly salvaged from said bins by soup kitchens.
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[edit] Controversy
Recent studies of prestigious statisticians seem to be proving shocking facts about dangerous bread. Bread, mostly considered as "harmless" or "culture drug", appears to be highly addictive and thus very dangerous. Bread is, however, much cheaper than other drugs - in fact it's free to walk into any bakery and get high from the scent.
[edit] Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Bread"
"A Brief History of Bread" by Stephen Hawking was a book written and lost somewhere in the space time continuum. It has many fascinating facts on the compound elements of bread. It also proves that the number "Bread" is 4.13 - perhaps a lame attempt to parody the number "Pi". If anyone comes across the only surviving copy of "A Brief History of Bread" I would appreciate it if they returned it to the library for me. Thank you.
[edit] Abilities of Bread
- Bread is seemingly without the ability to not have abilities. For example, bread sticks, and thusly has sesame seeds on it. When bread sticks, it can also be dipped in pizza sauce or, if you are a particularly evil person, coffee, which is itself a particularly vile concoction preferred by the type of person such as Oscar Wilde.
- Bread also pans. When bread pans, which is an action similar to when a bed pans, it can also stick (see above).
- Bread knives. Be very careful, especially when they seem to be loafing.
- Bread boxes too.
- Bread can go on vacation.
- Bread has an opinion on Everything!
- Bread can breathe underwater
- All work and no bread makes Jack a dull boy.
- Bread puts the fun back into lunchtimes
- Bread wastes peoples' valuable time by forcing them to make a page about it on Uncyclopedia
- Have you drank your bread today?
- Bread pisses people off by making them emancipate themselves from mental slavery... BOB MARLEY!!!
- Animated Subconscious Hallucinogenic Bread Rape (ASHBRA)
- Bread can summon Sand Witches at will.
- Bread can bring back the dead
[edit] Things to do with Bread
- Toast it.
- Feed it to sparrows, ducks, or other birds that are incapable of making/buying bread themselves.
- Throw it at your next door neighbour if he doesn't like thick crusty sliced loaves fresah out of the oven.
- Bury your deceased pets in it (Horses and dogs will need a lot more loaves).
- Use it as a form of currency (1 slice of bread is worth roughly $50 in countries that have no bread at all).
- Burn an image of the Virgin Mary onto it, and sell it on eBay.
- You can "knead" bread. Obviously you knead dough when making bread, but you can knead doughy, spongy white bread to make it doughy again, then toast it. The results are quite good, and you can have a play on words when hungry by saying "I NEED (KNEAD) bread"
- Burn it (in the oven of your choice).
- Get a relatively large loaf, hollow it out by pushing the white flufy part outwards, create eyeholes with a knife, and then wear it on your head like a mask or something.
- Use it to masturbate, then feed to females and pigeons
[edit] Things NOT to do with Bread
- Masturbate with it (late edit: Why not???)
- Study the mold on it for a school project
- Grate it
- Smoke it
- Show it off to your friends
- Smuggle it
- Act suspicious in supermarkets with it
- Attempt to ward off ninjas with it, the myth between ninjas and bread is false, I should know, i'm a ninja
[edit] Did You Know...
Research on bread indicates that:
- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
- In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
- Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
- Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
- Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
- Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
- Newborn babies can choke on bread.
- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
- Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
- The equation for Bread is Bread = Toast / Toaster.
- Bread: Aiding Dee Spanish Society in their quest of world domination since yesterday.
In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:
- No sale of bread to minors.
- A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
- A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
- The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
| Parts of this article were originally sporked from Bread Is Dangerous!!!. |
