Brett Favre
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Brett Favre Facts
“I love Brett Farve!!!.”
~ Casey Douglass on Brett Farve
“Brett Favre is on HGH ... Human Gorgeousness Hormone.”
~ Truth and Reason on Brett Farve
“Brett Favre doesn't have press conferences, he speaks and people gather.”
~ anonymous on Brett Farve
“Brett Favre is the greatest player in the history of football. You could cut off both his arms and legs and he'd still be the best torso in football”
~ John Madden on Brett Farve
“Gee, thanks!”
~ Private Ryan after being saved by Brett Favre
“Brett Farve doesn't wear a face mask, his beard naturally grows to protect his face. ”
~ Reggie White, DE Green Bay Packers
“I had the original balls of steel”
~ Brett Farve on his balls... of steel, which aren't Duke Nukem's
“There's two ways to throw a football: short or Favre.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Brett Favre
“He's not that special.”
~ Aaron Rodgers on Brett Farve
“Brett Favre donated a kidney. The kidney was stolen and came under the possession of Bill Belichick. An unspecified surgical procedure was given to Tom Brady later that year. Tom Brady's urine is not only yellow, but now has a hint of green.”
~ co-conspirator Eric Mangini
“Brett Favre possesses a superior Laser Rocket Arm as well as pinpoint guidance system.”
~ Sports analyst comparing Peyton Manning to Brett Favre
“Brett played right field in two spring training games for the Brewers in 1992, but was cut from the team for three times over throwing the ball into the stands.”
~ Paul Molitor, Milwaukee Brewers
Brett Favre is better than you, your mother and anyone that you have known, currently know, or will ever know. He rocks and you suck balls the end. He is in fact the definition of football quarter back greatness. If you don't like him well then you should die. Because everyone else does.
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[edit] Favre and the early years
An infant Favre (Born Brettonius Farvonis) was found abandoned at the base of Mount Olympus, Greece in 1135 BC. He was taken in and raised by a peasant and his wife. As young Favre grew, his parents noticed his extrordinary strength and immortal durability.
Favre was first drafted to the Athens Falcons in 1117 B.C. after turning pro right out of high school. Favre is best remembered for his heroics as a rookie on the Greek All star Squad, when he threw a deep, last-minute pass to Achilles on a last minute-play during the great pummelling of the Troy Trojans. Unfortunately, the ball was low, and the speeding Ball hit Achilles' heel, killing him. the ball flew into the air, and was miraculously caught by Odysseus, who ran for the game winning touch down and then he got hit by a pissed Trojan fan in a bus, and suffered a kill . However, Favre received No Credit From Homer, who would later write a great book about this game, because he owned the Denver Broncos, Favre was pissed about not getting credit for his Defeat of the Trojans and was heard Freaked out and was traded away from the Falcons to the Sparta Spartans. due to his seemingly eternal youth, Favre was Quarterback of the Spartans for almost 700 years. He won them 400 championships, Including two historic defeats. In the 315 bc season, Favre's ragtag 300 Spartans, undergoing a rebuilding year, Beat the heavily favored pissed maids 12,000 to 300. However, every player played their hearts out and died, Favre was the lone survivor, but the Spartans, unaware of their actual victory, or Favre still being alive, folded. Favre then moved to Italy
[edit] RFL (Roman Football league) Career
Favre was rediscovered in 210 BC by talent scouts for the then lackluster Roman Gladiators after defeating a team of Bears at the Roman Coliseum. Down 45 points and a Quarterback, the Gladiators would have to forfeit. But Favre walked in from the stands and offered to play. Favre brought them back by 42 points. On the final play, Favre shook off two large Bears, kicking one right in the Bear nuts and stretching his gargantuan arms ten yards into the end zone to score the winning run. The women in the crowd were so impressed that 200 of them became pregnant simply watching the play. After the game, Favre destroyed the bears, and cooked Bear Burgers for his baby mommas. Also, it has been known to some that Rex Grossman had an obsession with burning dog shit on his was while Rex was in high school. Favre led the Gladiators, to 300 Championships during his 600 year tenure with the team. Of the 301 Championship appearances, Favre only lost his last one, in 410 AD to the German Goths. However, Caesar had bet a ton of money on the Gladiators, and had to surrender his entire kingdom to the Goths.
[edit] Intermediate Years
German Goths 410-700 AD
Frankish Magnums 8700-1000ad
Scottish Claymores*1000-1300 Led Claymores to Lone Championship against Britain under great Coach/RB, William Wallace.
Spanish Conquistadors 1300-1492* Stayed in the Americas to teach the art Football to the Native Americans
1867, Sports revival of the late 1800s: found out that, with new technology, Americans had changed footballs rules. The Europeans disagreed with the rule changes, but the Americans won, so the Europeans changed the name of their sport to rugby. Favre throws a fit, and doesn't even think of returning to football until forward passing is re-legalized in 1916. After this, decides to learn the American rules.
1970:Brett Favre, feeling slightly aged, finds the fountain of youth, drinks too much and turns into a small child, is found, and adopted by the another family with the same last name.
1987-1990. as a rejuvenated teenager, Favre goes to college to play football for Southern Mississippi
[edit] NFL career
Favre was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons in 1991, and was traded to the Packers in 1992, where he won them 1 championship. However, the fountain of youth altered his aging pattern so he aged like a normal human being (actually only slightly less). He started every game during his Packer career, using clones of himself on plays that (being God) he knew he would be hit on. In 1994 He killed CB Wesley Adams for intercepting his pass. Favre has claimed the lives of 288 players, and several small children. He retired after only 17 years, and one championship, yet still dominated the league in everything. Even though he spent longer with other teams, the only team anyone will remember him on was the packers. Favre is better than you. I'm glad we came to an agreement on that, so I can pull my pants up.
[edit] Criminal Record
While many argue Favre's name is spelled "Favre", it should be noted that it was changed from "Farve" to elude the authorities, thus confusing many people who previously knew him. This epic move was captured in the movie, The Fugitive, starring Harrison Ford as Farve, the estranged half of a halfback in the vast plains of Minnesota. The plot of the movie circulated around the events following Favre's kidnapping and subsequent skull-rape of Brad Johnson.
[edit] Robot Skeleton
In 1264 A.D., after a failed quarterback challenge with the ghost of Jesus, Favre was force to surrender his skeleton in place of the golden fiddle that he had promised to Jesus. Determined not to miss a start, Brett survived for years eating only the groins of his defeated opponents until he was discovered by the future ghost of past John Madden, who carried him to the year 2029 in his magical Ace Hardware car, replacing his bones with those of a dead terminator. (Terminator was defeated and executed after losing a quarterback challenge to the ghost of Bart Starr)
[edit] The 1979 World Series
While he was once known for disco skills back in the '70's, he is now known for his many interceptions, which are accredited to the theft of his glasses. Favre is best known for his role as a pitcher during the 1979 World Series, where he managed to lead the Chicago Cubs to the World Series. It came down to game 7, bottom of the ninth, 2 outs, Favre on the mound. Unfortunately, he threw yet another interception, which was run back for a lay-up, losing the game, match, series, and all seven of Brett's previous fans. There has not been an interception or lay-up in baseball before or since.
[edit] Touchdown Pass With Foot
Coming into their January 14, 2001 meeting with the New England Patriots, Farve pulled off a heroic performance which included throwing 27 touchdown passes, including one with his foot.
In the 1st quarter, down 49-0, linebacker Rosie O'Donell blitzed Favre during a quadruple flea-flicker. Favre, wrapped up around his arms, then used his left foot to throw the ball 79 yards to a wide open Javon Walker. Many have dubbed this throw the "footbullet" for the way it struck and killed three of his own offensive lineman before the completion.
Controversy still surrounds Favre for the game. Not for the "footbullet" but because many wondered if he also was using his inner helmet microphone to issue commands to Navy SEALs and special forces officers in Afghanistan during the third quarter. This was later confirmed by childhood friend and defender of America, Rambo.
John Madden probably summed up the moment best when he said, "AbabubatubabbabloobaBrettFavre."
[edit] The Amazing Tumor of Brett Favre
A man of many talents. Some wonder how he can keep going year after year after retiring, and then another year. Some say he is a god, but it has been confirmed that he has a cancerous tumor that produces HGH that gets dispersed through out his body. The man is a machine. A very sexy, sexy machine. Look at those arms... ooohhh...
[edit] Critics of the Cult of Favre
However, there has been much criticism of the god of the cult of Favre. For instance, many of his records that he has achieved were achieved because he happened to play longer than the quarterbacks whose records he broke.
Also, during his last playoff game, he clearly showed a disregard for the rules when he tried to attempt a pass beyond the line of scrimmage during his playoff beatdown against the mighty Minnesota Vikings.
Favre was also presented the opportunity to walk on water many times, but never did. He did appear to walk on water during the last Viking-Packer game but upon closer inspection, he was walking on the back of Vikings coach Brad Childress' back during a drowning suicide attempt.
[edit] Death?
Rumors of his death in 2008 were exaggerated. The clues to his alleged death include:
- The presence of another Quarterback starting.
- The sickening number of Favre Tributes, and memoirs.
- Brett Favre's recent disappearance.
- The number of Wisconsinites that were visibly in a state of mourning.
- Favre's corpse was found near a KFC. Upon further inspection, the corpse truly belonged to Al Roker, a Mormon terrorist intent on defiling the visage of Colonel Sanders.
Other people deny these rumors, claiming that he died in 1947, when he was supposedly traded to the Packers from the Republic of Georgia Predator-Bird-Things, and that the trade was really the Packers signing some other Cajun-sounding dude while the Predator-Bird-Things bemoaned their loss. Proponents of this theory say that although it took people long enough to realize it, the interceptions actually started in 1947. Critics of this theory point out that every pass Favre threw for the Republic of Georgia was either intercepted or dropped by a defensive player.
Later it was discovered that Favre merely Retired, deciding he'd rather knock down trees with a tractor than possibly win another Super Bowl
[edit] Records
- Most ever Touchdown Passes 442
- Most ever Passing Miles, 65,000
- Most Awesome Person.
- Most 72 ounce steaks in eaten a 1 hour period (12)
- Farthest Touchdown Pass (233 yards) *Robert Brooks*
- Farthest throw of a football (100 yards, misleading, as it flew around the world before landing 100 yards in front of him)
- Most Consecutive starts(263 (million)
- Only 3 time NFL MVP
- Only person to beat Chuck Norris at anything
- Only person whom God is dying to get an autograph from
- Most Handjobs received from John Madden (14) Passing previous leader Tony Romo (13)
- 95 mile per hour forward spiral
- Only person to beat Chuck Norris at everything
- Most lawn mowed in one hour (14,000 acres)
[edit] End of the World
After the Great Tribulation, Brett Favre served as a commander under Jesus, Aiding in the defeat of The Antichrist. He was given Jurisdiction over Wisconsin and Mississippi for his bravery and awesomeness. For these triumphs and his 327 mile run in the Wisconsin winter he has earned his spot on the list of people who could save the world. As a side note he did all 327 miles completely naked, as well as swimming across Lake Michigan.
