Brian May
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Brian May Brian May”
Legendary lead flautist of rock band Queen, Brian May first caught Freddie Mercury's attention by waving at him shouting "Freddie! Freddie! Over here Freddie!" in a Leicester Argos. Freddie was impressed and asked Brian to join the band famously saying, "You can join my band." The rest is history, apart from the stuff that hasn't happened yet which is the future and the stuff that's happening right now which is the present but will soon be the past and never again the future.
Contents |
[edit] Hair
Brian's hair is a grade A listed structure with its own dedicated maintenance team. The team work from the bottom left of "Rock God Hair" over the top finally completing at the bottom of the right side. Such is the size of the bonce, it takes engineers over two years to condition every strand. Once completed, the task is immediately started again from the left side.
A Costa Coffee was built into the hair structure next to Brian's left ear-lobe for use by the workers and hair-tourists. It's unpopularity has been put down to the unpleasantness of drinking hot beverages near someone's ear.
Due to the enormous size of Brian's hair, it has collapsed many times, on some occasions killing members of the audience. This problem was fixed recently by applying Brill cream, which reinforces the hair's strength.
[edit] Music
[edit] Guitars
Brian owns a huge selection of guitars, none of which he can play. He thinks they look pretty though and makes them himself using only a whitling knife and a slightly larger guitar.
[edit] Flutes
Brian's favourite flute is one he's had since he was a child(which is what he was immediately preceding him being an adult). He made it with his dad out of a family pet which had recently passed away. The cat was a dearly loved companion, and Brian felt it would be a fitting tribute to convert Michelle into a wooden musical instrument. So good was the sound created by the flute, Brian has continued to use it to this day, if this day is a day when he has continued to use it too. What do I know? The distinctive sound from the "Dead Michelle" defines the Queen sound in the overcrowded field of flute based rock.
[edit] Brian's Life
[edit] Education
Having twice the brains of all musicians that ever lived combined, May went to school. There he attended things called "Lessons" which were apparently on various "Subjects". Maths was always May's favourite class and he regularly counted out-loud to 10,000 to impress girls. In his final year of secondary school, Brian raised over two-hundred pounds for "Help the Dead Animals" by counting to 25,500.
May was keen to continue his education after school and after failing to get high enough marks for the University of Life he accepted a place at Bath. He studied for a degree in Astrology. It was here he met fellow students who were studying for a degree in Astrology. It was they who introduced him to Vegetarianism and May would experiment with it for much of his time in higher-education. After Queen, May now completed his Astrology PhD at Invisible College London.
[edit] Queen
One day, Brian May was practicing guitar in the woods when he dropped his Axe into a small pond. Freddie Mercury then rose from the pond and offered him a golden Axe, which he refused. Mercury then offered him a silver Axe, which he also refused. He was rewarded for his honesty when John Deacon and Roger Taylor appeared, and the four of them rocked out for eighteen years.
When Paul Rodgers heard of this, he sought out the pool and threw his Axe into it, only to watch it sink beneath the waves. Rumour has it that Gilgamesh found it and auctioned it off on eBay for a signed copy of Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls/Bicycle Race" 45-RPM acetate grammophone recording
[edit] Marriage
Brian's marriage to Angie Watts of Albert Square was sadly cut short in 1987 when he found out she had been lying to him about having "six months left to live". Brian immediately got into a big strop and filed for divorce. Angie later said, "That hair, but no sense of humour."
[edit] Mental Illness
The marriage split hit Brian hard. By the mid-nineties he was consuming an entire pack Yorkshire tea bags every day. "I couldn't get out of bed without drinking tea.", he admitted in an interview with an interviewer who could have, but probably wasn't called Bob.
Things came to a head in 2002, when a clearly disorientated May was found on the roof of Buckingham palace with one of his guitars. An embarrassing security lapse for Palace officials on Queen Elizebeth's Golden Jubilee and a wake-up call for May who knew he had to confront his demons. As of January 2007, May has been "off the brew" for nearly four years. "I just have to avoid places where people drink tea", he explained in a recent interview for Heat magazine, "I don't go in kitchens, cafes, houses, countries or even kitchens anymore. It's hard, but life is hard isn't it? Isn't it? It is. Isn't it? It is."
[edit] Rumours surrounding the cause of Brian's Death
It is unclear whether rumours surrounding Brian's death are true or not as he's not dead. When he does die, it will be easier to ascertain their accuracy.
[edit] Solo Discography
[edit] Albums
Affordable Motoring (1991)
[edit] Singles
"Too Much Love Will Kill You"
"Ford Mondeo"
"Ford Focus"
"Too Much Love Will Kill You"
"Ford Galaxy"
"Too Much Love Will Kill You"
"It will Definately Kill You (Too Much Love)"
