Brigham Young

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Brigham Young (1799-1877) was an American religious and political leader best-remembered as one of the most successful poontang magnets of all time: he had about sixty wives, and they all lived in the same house! What a stud! Young has a reputation as a stodgy prude, but remember: he had sixty wives, which is probably more girls that you've ever even kissed. Mormons is playas...

[edit] Bio

Brigham James Young (Born "Brick Ham Yun", the son of a Chinese immigrant) was born in the small town of Pisquonit, Rhode Island in 1842. Little is known about his childhood except for the fact that his father, Vince Young, was a great collegiate athlete. Brigham was teased by his peers about his uncommon name (at the time Biblical-sounding names were shunned and hick names like "Jed" or "Cletus" were more socially acceptable), and was a complete social outcast by his early twenties. Fed up with the Rhode Island social scene, Brigham had his first prophetic experience by tripping over a bunch of saltpeter in a bucket out in the woods and coming back to town as if he'd seen something amazing. The few women who believed him soon took to his idea of heading West, and soon, they were on the Oregon Trail in Lewis & Clark's footsteps.

[edit] Going to Utah

Brigham told the women of Pisquonit about the virtues of Polygamy, and in no-time flat, had seventeen wives on the journey with him. (While this is a record for a Christian in the last two hundred years, Solomon still holds the all-time high with over 175 wives and 600 concubines, with King David falling a little behind with 135 and 300 respectively.) This is the greatest testament to his heroic efforts in life, since the average man has enough on his hands with one wife, let alone SEVENTEEN. The midtravel whining was maddening.

As he made his way out West with a wagon-load of bitches, a lot of people he met on the way seemed intrigued by the new state he was planning to form where all of the laws were different than New England. Among these brave men was a fellow named Joseph Smith, who quickly became Brigham's right hand man in the adventure to form a Polygamist state. By the time they left Independence, Missouri, the Mormons (as other people kept calling them, leading to their nicknaming their mascot "Moroni") were rolling 2,000 deep.

[edit] The Great Salt Lake in The Desert

Brigham, Joseph et al met up with Sacajawea in North Dakota and asked her where the best place to start a Polygamist state would be. Being the devious snake that she was (as all women are by nature) she misled them to the least arable plot of land in the North American continent (besides Canada, of course). When they arrived at the Great Salt Lake, 344 Mormons died from dehydration. After sixteen days, they figured out that the Lake had a high salt content, and wasn't good for drinking (or irrigation). This didn't stop the Mormons though. Their hard work paid off, and soon they had farms of boring vegetables and tasteless grains, and their new land began to blossom.

TRIVIA: Utah is still extremely hot. The apparent miraculous transformation from hellish desert to beautiful oasis, despite being a vivid example of fulfillment of prophecy, doesn't really apply to people, particularly babies, trapped in hot cars while Mom goes inside the supermarket for groceries. Babies have shriveled to the size of raisins (albeit really cute raisins) in the sweltering sun.

[edit] The First Mormon City

Brigham Young may have been a lot of things, but creative he was not. Instead of giving the Mormon capital of the world a unique name, all he could think of was Salt Lake City. With the new city came new laws, all designed by Brigham to ensure that Mormon community continued to grow long after his death. He established laws against drinking and smoking (causes death through cancer), and also against swearing (causes death through pissing off sensitive people with weapons). His plan was to make the Mormons appear ultra-pious so they could accomplish their ultimate goal of Polygamy without being questioned by other religions.

Unfortunately, the other religions of the early United States crossed out the parts of their Bibles where about a hundred ancient prophets practiced polygamy as a direct commandment from God and embarked on a hate crusade that continues to this day, directed at everything even tangentially related to Mormonism except the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

This Bible-editing has continued to this day, to the point where the Mormon Bible (the King James Version) and the other Bibles of the World (the "Improved" versions) differ dramatically. For example, the Non-Mormon Bibles do not contain some of the "added" material in the Mormon Bible, such as the Ten Commandments and the Old Testament (except for Psalms which makes Born-Agains happy because it doesn't have any commandments - just songs that get you into Heaven).

And that's why Brick Ham Yun won the Nobel Peace Prize.