Brisbane

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

Brisbane, at the height of festival season.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Brisbane.

“This is a city?”

~ John Howard

Brisbane (Shit-by-the-Sea), also known as Brisvegas, Brisneyland or BrisBONE by cunts. People from other states who can't understand the party atmosphere, is the city that is famous for being the only place in the world where Graham Barker started his record-breaking navel fluff collection. It is a massive hole in the ground that was filled with Vegemite by the founder of the new city, Sir Westfield Carindale, located in the south-east of the Australian state of Queensland. The birthplace of Geoff 'Horsegrower' Whiting, it is also the capital of Queensland, owing to the large numbers of nightclubs in the CBD. The city is one of the more exciting in Australia, as drinking, partying, shopping and tanning reign supreme over activities popular in Melbourne or Sydney such as working hard, reading newspapers and generally being boring office people. The state is one of the country's largest and its vast area is needed to accommodate vast numbers of marijuana crops and Louis Vuitton factories. Administration of such a vast state from a capital located a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away has proved to be difficult for the Premier, The Honourable Ms Pirate Pete & Captain Bligh, however she has so far persevered even against the evil efforts of Donald Sutherland as played by Peter Beattie. Brisbane has been known as the sleepy little town; this is true, because Brisbane is so bloody boring, the highlight of your visit will be sleeping. Brisbane will always continue to argue that they are better than Melbourne and Sydney, but really, Aboriginal shacks are better than Brisbane's shitty city. Brisbanezes will also argue that their population will overtake both Melbourne and Sydney's population. This time they are true, they will overtake both cities with an increase of BOGANS. Happy now, Brisbane?

Brisbane is also right next to the world's bogan capital, Ipswich (which is overflowing with bogans, and sending them to Brisbane), but retaining walls are being built to try to keep the brivity-bruv bogans out.

1 Humble Vampiric Beginnings
2 The City of Gold
3 The River
4 The Battle of Brisbane
5 The Pirate Exodus
6 A New Beginning
7 The Brisbane of Today, Tomorrow and the Future
8 Interesting Facts About Brisbane
9 Things to See in Brisbane
10 How to fit in
11 Things to Do in Brisbane
12 Things Not to Do in Brisbane
13 Fauna
14 Please Note

[edit] Humble Vampiric Beginnings

The first known inhabitants of Brisbane were the Reverse Vampires who settled in the mangrove wetlands way back when Moses was playing fullback for the Arabs. The origins of the Reverse Vampires are unknown but it is presumed they came from Purdue University. The first Reverse Vampire colonies were centred around the Nudgee area and slowly moved along the river bank, stretching as far west as Indooroopilly and as far south as some old cottage which is believed to have been the residence of Mr Logan Hyperdome. These settlements thrived for several decades but suffered an as-yet-unexplained and rapid decline around the year AD 86. The only remaining indications of the Reverse Vampires civilisation are the eighteen large pyramids that dot the Brisbane skyline. Many people say that eggs can catch the cold in Brisbane, well no one says that, I do, but I don't believe it.

[edit] The City of Gold

Franciscan pirates started using the old reverse vampire settlements as hideouts around the turn of the third century. Foremost among these was Bluebeard and Captain Kangaroo, whose epic voyages were recorded by the North American artist Bryan Adams in his ballad The Summer of '69. So much gold was stashed in the mangrove swamps that it became impossible to hide, and Brisbane became known to the pirate population as "the city of gold". Pirates from all over the globe began flocking to Brisbane and with them came their whores and wooden leg manufacturers. For nearly sixteen centuries Brisbane remained primarily a pirate town which was a major boon for the emerging parrot industries of the Dutch East Indies. For this reason, Brisbane has developed into a highly yuppie city that has developed the largest superiority complex in the country. This is further evident when visiting the Queen Street Mall on any weekday and seeing the number of women with designer handbags and heels strutting along and men in Armani suits and designer briefcases. Bongs are most likely contained in the hand luggage, and Brisbanites love their pot.

[edit] The River

The Brisbane River was first used as a trade route so Asians and Indians could be smuggled across the border in crates. The mayor Campbell Newman and his "can do" team later decided that it was best used to transport sewage. Now the Brisbane River is full of everything but water, making it everything but a river. As a result the shitty cats became the less popular mode of transport. This decision by Campbell Newman has caused outrage among the yuppie bastards in their wake boats who still continue to wake board in the shitty mess. Campbell Newman later stated "Screw the yuppies, they'll be extinct soon, anyway." This was then followed by Campbell Newman's plans to introduce bull sharks into the Brisbane River, but this proved to be an unforgiving terrain for the unfortunate sharks who went belly-up.

[edit] The Battle of Brisbane

In 1894 tombraiders from the west began to arrive on the fringes of Brisbane. With a scorched-earth policy and a vitriolic anti-pirate attitude, they began to sack and loot pirate landowners. The pirates at first mistook them for the French and waited patiently, expecting their surrender at any time.

This mistake cost the pirates dearly as the tombraiders' forces rapidly grew from a few hundred to 18 million. The tombraider army split into 48,000 platoons who circled the greater Brisbane area, thereby cutting off all supplies to the pirates. Realising they were on the verge of a battle of attrition, the pirates, under the command of Grand Admiral Jack Osbourne, developed a plan to outmanoeuvre the clumsy tombraider attack parties via the use of those gay scooter things that everyone rides nowadays.

Over the course of four days and five nights the 40,000-strong pirate green berets meticulously destroyed the tombraider platoons one by one until only four tombraiders were left alive. Those tombraiders were Messrs. Lennon, McCartney, Harrison and Starr, who would later go on to form the Beatles and lament the demise of their fellow tombraiders in the haunting lament "She Loves You".

The pirate populace had been saved, however the city was all but destroyed.

[edit] The Pirate Exodus

The task ahead of the pirates – to rebuild their pirate city – proved too great a task and, one by one, their great ships were filled to the decks with pirates, and their whores saddened to be leaving their ancestral homeland but eager to face the challenges ahead. By late October 1935, the last of the pirates had sailed away, leaving behind the broken ruins of this once great city.

[edit] A New Beginning

In 1945 Nazi war criminals fleeing prosecution followed in the pirates' footsteps and began using the mangrove swamps as hideouts. Fearful of being found out they quickly outlawed all goose-stepping and invented the barbeque as a means of de-Germanifying themselves.

Their inherent German-ness was however a very hard thing to hide and very quickly they began building boxy but nice automobiles, running fish and chip shops and drinking large quantities of beer. Automobile production declined with the introduction of rugby league by Jesuit missionaries; however, the Brisbane affinity with beer has continued to this day.

A resolution was passed by the missionaries to rebuild the city, a painstakingly slow process that took over eight days to complete. When the work was done the people spoke to their god and He saideth unto them "Race ye thou Monaros from here to Ipswich and back and know that I love youse". These words became the city's motto and is printed on the back of all Gold Lotto tickets sold in Brisbane.

[edit] The Brisbane of Today, Tomorrow and the Future

Typical Brisbane resident

Modern Brisbane is a mixture of German and Jesuit influences that idealises the Pirate way. Swashbuckling in general is frowned upon, however the carrying of a small bird on your shoulder is considered essential in good company. The city council has embarked upon an ambitious mental health program that is expected to result in substantially fewer incidents of paranoia by the year 2046, however this initiative is viewed suspiciously by the greater populace.

Many residents have invisible pirate friends named "Hook", "Stinky Bob" or "Matthew". If a resident fails to have an invisible friend of his or her own, it can only mean one thing.... They are lonely. The Dread Pirate Roberts is also suspected to reside here.

As time passed during the pirate years, a secret weapon of immense power and authority was constructed in the 'St Laurences College Justice Department'(which so happens to be Brisbane's only justice department). This machine, known as Chaz Dooley, was given the key to the city and an honourary medal (made from plastic bags and anything else that floated up the river..). Chaz now governs a small part of brisbane and is the official guard of Prime minister 'Kevin of Rudd's financial lossess and gains from the new federal budget.

'Kevin of Rudd' activating Dooley distress signal

[edit] Interesting Facts About Brisbane

Brisbane cannot be found on a map before 1993. This was caused by everyone prior to 1993 being born without eyes, or maps.

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Brisbane is the world's largest man-made hole, although this claim has been contested by the town councils of Lithgow, Cardiff, Hoboken and Coober Pedy.

The core of Brisbane is so dense that it creates several thousand night clubs perfect for half-naked women and seven million bongs to be smoked in a four-hour period.

There is actually no hidden part of Brisbane that is filled with casinos, strippers and drunken men, as the name 'BrisVegas' suggests, unless you count Brisbane City itself.

Brisbane has no Mormons as they find it a little gay for their liking.

David Hasselhoff is big in Brisbane. I mean BIG.

People from Brisbane don't like being referred to as "Hill-Billies". They prefer the word "self-obsessed dickheads".

Megatron was born in Brisbane. In his teens he had a robotic vagina inserted on his neck from which he gave birth to Astro Boy. The pair soon parted ways, although many a knowing look is passed around the RE Hotel in Brisbane's Inner West every time a patron is killed by the bouncers.

No one in Brisbane is named "Charmara". Except for Charmara Dissenaecke but everyone just calls him "Chalmers".

Hardly anything (besides pubs) is opened after 5 p.m.

Known to be Australia's most redneck capital city as One Nation's actually taken seriously here.

Saying that, drag queen and Channel 31 presenter "Tamara Tonite" ran for Mayor and received 10% of the vote. How's that for redneck you southern poofs!

Apart from 3 a.m. on a Saturday night, the only time you will not find a living soul in Brisbane is at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning. No one is actually sure why or how this strange phenomenon occurs. Research continues.

Ipswich was to be the capital of Queensland but luckily missed out.

I am Zorg the Lard Cane Toad and mark my words Brisbane will fall to me and I will take all the women as Toad Booty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cane toads are everywhere and are all bloody useless annoying pests. If one is seen, grab your 9 iron and smack it across the head.

Brisbane has a resident bagman who is rich. This is not a joke, he just sits in trash and counts his money. Nicknamed 'Ziggy' to reflect his lack of movement. But we loved him anyway. He is currently living outside Brisbane's infamous school BBC.

All AIC comps are rigged by Ashgrove

All AIC comps are secretly won by Lauries after Ashgrove reputedly surrendered under force of plastic. Everyone knows that plastic is the best bogan repellent.

If you pass Governer Chaz Dooley, please greet him by calling him Jaitken. He will proceed to give you a drink of any choice.

[edit] Things to See in Brisbane

Emos

Asians

Starbucks

Emo Asians drinking Starbucks

Cane toads

Cigar Fish floating in the beautiful Brisbane River

The bearded lady who walks around the Queen Street Mall

Bongs... you're in Brisbane now, boy

Wynnum

Ya Face

Louis Vuitton Handbags

Keen Street Mall

Tunnel digging

The Autistic Children's Centres in Brighton and Sunnybank

All the stupid Victorians, who moved to Brisbane for a cheap and sweaty retirement, and go to watch the Lions play AFL

The Southwank Parklands

All the stupid Victorians, who moved to Brisbane for a cheap and sweaty retirement, and go to watch the Lions play AFL

The Southwank Parklands

Narangba Valley High School, the place of the Ritalin kids

Deep underground, in a World War 2 bunker, the city's Asian population

The poor loser who has to dress up as the early bird for early-bird parking

Everyong avoiding The Gap

Not only teenage mutant ninja turtles but a whole variety of mutated and/or deformed creatures made by the city's sorry excuse for a river, which is filled with anything and everything, however water has not been one of the river's ingredients; all water within the river ceased to be after 1995

A sh*t load of White people. It would have to be the most whitist city with a population over 1,500,000

Jeremy Whish's penis. It's worth it, don't you worry

Watch Lauries beat Ashgrove (it happens once every week)

Watch Ashgrove still win the rugby aggregate after losing to Lauries after having a round completely cancelled

Watch Lauries storm Ashgrove and asplode the place after taking anything of value

Watch Badger play rugby against ashgrove and win by default

Join the 'Christen Nichols' Fan club!

Walk through St Laurences college, famous for its vast gallery of penis sketches.

[edit] How to fit in

Live either a Bogan or a Yuppie lifestyle
Wear knee-high socks and call them Ashgrove Socks as in 'halfway to the Gap' (if you're not from Brisbane, fuck off 'cause you won't get the deep intellectual meaning behind this piss-poor joke)
Drive a worked VK Commodore with 19" rims
Mix your weed with tobacco and smoke weed through a bong only – you're in Queensland now!
Annoy everybody by saying "Screw you, I'm from South Australia, get that tobacco away from my weed, you filthy pervert" and using a pipe, not a bong
Drink lots of piss and laugh at fat people
Hit the goon sack on a Saturday night

[edit] Things to Do in Brisbane

Get smoked by a Runcorn State High School student

Thank Christ you aren't in Lithgow

Sing songs about the South East

Bam Bam Bam a cha Bam Bam Bam Bam a cha

Use Your Illusion

Visit ~~Sydney~~ the Wally Lewis Monument

Go chill at Chapel Hill with a bunch of yup-dawgs

Go to James Champain's house

Go to my house

Wish that you were in ~~Ipswich Yeerongpilly Indooroopilly Narangba~~The Gabba and Laserforce

Go entertain Nic

Touch Aleesha's leg

Complain about the unbelievable heat

Smoke a bong

The Mi Goreng Challenge

Dig a tunnel for the TransApex project

Hijack a Qantas 747 from Brisbane Airport

Drop in on schoolies and pop a few pills, smoke a few joints and screw a few 18-year-olds

Barrack for the Maroons

Beat up a Leb and run before he gets his phone out

Start a race riot

Find the one heterosexual student or teacher at St Joseph's Nudgee College – look very hard, he's in there somewhere

Say hi to some fat guy in a wheelchair

Say hi to Robert Mackay

Do a burnout in a Commodore. See Ipswich

Check out Lord Mayor Campbell Newman strutting around City Hall in his "formal" G-string

Thank Christ in general, if you can't find a church there's something very, very wrong. In fact, if you can't find a church then you've somehow travelled south and come to (if you can believe it) an equally boring city: Canberra.

See Cobbly's dirty mo

Waste as much water as you possibly can and see if you can dry the dams up

Sit outside Hungry Jack's with a group of emos and discuss how much your life sucks

Egg the Mormonstrosity at Kangaroo Point (distinguishable due to its wanky statue and pillars, and the fact that all that white and gold makes it strikingly similar to the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem, Israel) whilst singing "I am the eggman" over and over again

Experience some of the delicate public transportation Brisbane has to offer, notably the DodgiCat and the free QR trains

Take the tilt train to Bundaberg, get off your face on rum, then wonder why you're in Bundaberg

Have sex with Steven Long, Jake Jensen and Ben Cannon && Haley :D

Watch two old bums fighting one another over which one gets the French fry someone dropped on the ground in the Queen Street Mall Hungry Jack's

Get a graduate degree from the Griffith University

Smoke weed with Lenny

Say "youse," even when a plural version of "you" wouldn't be used if there was one!

Marvel at the fact that the northside's Stafford City and Brookside shopping centres are full of all the old people who cannot face Chermside

Join the Mile-high Club with a Qantas flight attendant (If it fails, lie and say you did)

Gain VIP membership and a discount flight card after 10 flight attendants

Go to Narangba Valley High School and laugh at the kids overdosing on Ritalin and the immense amount of emos there

Go hire a MX5, put the roof down and try to pick up chicks (GOOD LUCK)

Laugh at the loser who has to dress up as the early bird for early-bird parking

Use all three offensive four-letter words, even in everyday tasks, such as giving directions or ordering food. "Just the f***en meatlovers sweet'art, yeh yeh that c*** there, and some of that extra s*** on it, too."

Make up interesting and offensive names for private schools, e.g. Churchie - ZOOMER's: The old story of the student who fucked a staff member's dog, now represented in statue form, apparently

Marvel at the freakish line-up of staff at Corpus Christi College (check out another bearded lady and the midget with three arms!)

Watch the goth fights in King George square at night

Take a massive dump in a public toilet and don't flush

Wonder how on earth that massive bogan is driving a ute which is somehow worth 70 grand. Wonder why he would spend that much on a ute anyway

Download erotic pictures of naked Chinese women, print them out full-scale on A4 paper, go to Chinatown and super-glue them to the front door of a Chinese restaurant

Tune into community radio 4ZzZ (102.1 FM) and marvel at how a bunch of illiterate, stoned-to-the-bejeezus hipster university dropouts can make a station still sound better than anything on the commercial Austereo network

Invent a new Churchie joke

Avoid The Gap like the rest of the city

Laugh at the car rego plates which say "The Smart State" - Queenslanders are the thickest people in Australia.
Be fabulous in New Farm

Play "spot the drug deal"/hooker in the Valley of Death.

Line up outside Freestylers at Emporium in the freezing fucking cold for 45mins because you're too shallow/stupid to find another place to go for dessert.

Line up outside Cirque on Brunswick St in the freezing fucking cold for 45mins because you're too shallow/stupid to find another place to go for breakfast.

Tell all your workmates you went to Freestylers/Cirque for dessert/breakfast, and it was worth the wait because the food there is "just fabulous darling, simply devine"

Drive your BMW down James St with the windows down repeatedly hoping that people at Harveys and James St Bistro are watching you, thinking "wow that guy is awesome, check out his Beemer!"

Ignore the fact that everyone at Harveys and James St Bistro knows it's a 318i, knows you spend 75% of your income on the repayments and probably has a better car than you anyway.

Race Governer Dooley in an ambulance and be the fastest to summon the AIR STRIKE.

[edit] Things Not to Do in Brisbane

Visit Logan

Visit Inala

Visit Woodridge

Go to Sunnybank

Get stabbed in Sunnybank

Get asked to a Churchie formal (if you're a girl... fags aren't allowed anyway)

Wish you were in Lithgow

Sing songs about the north-west

Don't call it 'lesbian city'. For some reason the dykes don't like that

Listen to Kiwis/Irishmen complain about how much better their hometown is, despite them refusing to live outside of Brisbane!

Cham Cham Cham b Ham Ham Ham Ham Ham b Cham

Use your disillusion

Stare at some fat woman trying to squeeze between the door and a grasping pole on one of Brisbane's older buses, but she can't quite fit

Visit the Phil Gould Monument

Touch Fugly's leg

Enjoy the unbelievable cold

Boke a smong

Put money on the Reds to win

Drop out of Schoolies and get arrested for pills, smoking drugs and giving 18-year-olds STDs

Barrack for the blues

When it's 45 degrees, inform someone that it is in actual fact 'hot' today. They may not have noticed how much they're sweating, and will thank you for pointing out the heat!