Bristol
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“Yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but yeah!”
~ Queen Vicky Pollard on Bristol
“Inbreeding, Slavery, famous for loads of things down there”
~ Darren Lamb on Bristol
“almost every person here has either a penis or a vagina”
“This is the dark side, of England”
| Motto: "Welcome to Bristol.. everyone carries a knife an' a pistol” | |
| Official nickname | Pistol City |
| Official languages | Gert Bristolian Init |
| Mayor | Sid off Skins, off tell |
| Established | 1994 |
| Currency | Stab Wounds |
Bristol is a city in the south-west of Mediocre Britain, located on the river Severn. It is perhaps most famous for being the city where boobs were invented. As a port town with a rich history of international trade, especially importing and exporting negros and the manufacture of cancer-causing tobacco products. It is widely regarded as England's second most populous city, despite numerous attempts to crash into Albert Einstein due to his Theory of Relativity.
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[edit] History of Bristol
There is evidence of settlement in the Bristol area from the palaeolithic era, with 60,000-year-old archaeological finds at Shirehampton and St Annes. There are Iron Age hill forts near the city, which would have been inhabited by an equal mix of men, women and badgers.
During the Roman era, the Roman Baths were constructed in nearby Bath. In these, male Romans would have taken their clothes off and rubbed each other with oil, before relaxing in a hot bath. It is unlikely that any of the inhabitants of Bristol would have found this arousing, which is probably why they weren't built in Bristol, when you think about it.
The town of Brycgstow (Old English, "the town full of entirely straight men") was in existence by the beginning of the 11th Century; it was around this point that the river Severn evolved into a giant potato. However, this was soon rectified by the invention AIDS. The dead AIDS victims were then pummeled into a paste and poured into the river. The harbour brought the city much prosperity and wealth. Doubtless this brought a lot of sailors to Bristol, who would attend Vibes & The Queen Shilling to partake in some bum fun. However, historic records indicate quite clearly that none of the sailors would have gone in for that kind of thing.
In the 14th Century, Bristol was hit particularly hard by the Black Death, where every non-white person died simultaneously. Historians agree that the Black Death was not an STD spread by man-man sexual contact. If it had been, of course, Bristol's population would likely have been hit with considerably less force by it.
Renewed growth came with the 17th Century's rise of colonies in America. Bristol became particularly rich in trading slaves. Over half a million young boys are estimated to have been brought from the Africas to Bristol for sale to American cotton plantations and nothing else.
[edit] Demographics
In 2005 the Office for National Statistics estimated Bristol's population at 398,300. In the 2001 census 91.83% of the population described themselves as white, 2.85% as South Asian, 2.32% as black, 2.08% as mixed race, 0.56% as Chinese and 0.34% other. Bristol had the ninth highest proportion of people refer to their religion in the last census as 'Jedi'. None of the population registered themselves as homosexual. 93% of the people owned up to being gay with close members of their own family, 97% with the family pet, and most of the population have used inanimate objects ( Brummies) for sexual gratification.....dirty unwashed sisterfuckers that they are.....
[edit] Culture
Culture? Bristol? Fuck Off!!!
Bristol has an exciting and vibrant nightlife. Bristol is home to the famous Hippodrome theatre, and the Colston Hall and Carling Academy regularly play host to the latest bands. Bristol has a great many exciting nightclubs, discotheques, and bars, all of which are used for entirely heterosexual purposes. The Tool and Hammer has recently shut down, and that was probably just a working man's pub or something anyway. Bristol is also famous for Venue magazine, which lists the current states of unflushed male public toilets in terms of deposits, a 4/4 score being awarded to one with poo, wee, bogeys and man oil. A recent issue of Venue came with a free specimen analysis kit.
Bristol is also home to Lee from Brizzle, the most famous exponent of Zidaaargh Rap, rap music based on the West Country dialect. This is more commonly known as Incest Rap by people without three eyes or 10ft teeth growing out their arse.
Bristol is also home to the UK's worst 5-a-side football team - "Boyley FC". They play at Filton Pro 5. To date, they are the only team of "normal individuals" to lose to a team of blind, 2 month old cats with no limbs. Yes, they really are that bad.
[edit] Places
Bristol is of course a place, but few people realise that it is composed largely of places itself. Many of these places enjoy a geographical relationship with the other places that surround it, and in some case intersect it, or otherwise touch it intimately.
One of the most renowned places in Bristol is known by academics (employed at Burger King) as 'Piss Alley'. This is a short alleyway that runs from just opposite the Bunch of Goths pub on Denmark Street and emerges by the Hippodrome on the centre. Visiting dignitaries are always invited to be horribly wringingly sick in this location at 02:00 in the morning on a cold November night. This is an honor that few would refuse and in fact many of Bristol's ordinary residents emulate this act while dreaming of being important enough to be invited to do so.
There are few other places of such importance in this great city, but the public toilets on The Downs is often found to contain multiple used condoms and gravely abused cucumbers. This of course is nothing to do with homosexual activity as has been firmly established previously in this article.
Southmead is also a noteworthy place within Bristol and is believed to be the most evil place in the city. All crime and immorality emanate from the dark borders of this central sphere of Hell
Henbury next to the 'mead, and not quite as evil but equally as shitty.
Shirehampton - Also known as "Shrampton", The main hangout for chavs and chavettes (Not the same Shire as lord of the rings).
Avonmouth - Also known as pol city, always the place to get high on all the fumes from the factories
Filton Known for fighting against the horde of bike stealing jews that originate from Southmead, filton is also known to have some sort of college. Either way, no one really cares that much as we border the glouster road.
St. Pauls The former "most evil place in the city" but now the blacks have gone, the drug trade can carry on without a bad reputation. Which is always nice for the hard working population of St. Pauls who earn an honest living doing..."odd jobs".
Easton Often called "little st. pauls" its much like it but there are far more black people. Thus forth, the area has been quarantined and hopefully can be decontaminated from the filthy African touch.
Uwe - The 'University' of the West of England (or 'UoB's BIAAATCH', as it is officially called) is second only to the University of Bristol as a seat of higher learning, in Bristol.
College Green - The major hangout for skaters, goths and emos and also where the bristol shitty council live
Bedminster South of the river and famous for three things Bristol City Football club, asda but said adsdawl in local bristolian twang and the curious locals that shop there, but most famously for the local girls - the pure breds being especially easy to spot by their huge gold hoop earrings, ask scott mills. the most popular boys name here is ashton, named after the city football ground.
Southville Just the same as bedminster just next door.
Lawrence Weston - Also known as "El Dub", This is where all the Chavs and Chavettes in Bristol originate from, the breeding ground if you like, they spawn right here! but not very many chavs in sight, just single mums scabbing benefits whilst the dads are either a waste of space or just getting kicked out so the mum can claim more benefits, this is the source of Bristol's chav problem.
Clifton Proper posh, or at least thats what they'd like you to think.
Broadmead scene of the worlds biggest building site, no ones quite sure what they're building for us but its causing traffic chaos in the mean time, keeping those polish builders very busy. You also have a 100% chance of being in a traffic jam during some part of your journey
Stoke Gifford - Also known as "Stokey G", this wonderful little village consists of two pubs, a church, a tesco express and a shit load of chav scum. It also contains 3 randomly overgrown fields that serve no purpose whatsoever. For some strange reason, the Government also decided to place the Ministry of Defence here. Strange.
Why not visit the beautiful Clifton Suspension Bridge today and commit suicide just like thousands of Bristolians before you!
Also why don't you visit the famous Temple Meads train station, the most dangerous tracks in the world
[edit] Transportation
Getting around Bristol can be a daunting task and depending on what mode of any transport you use it always will be a daunting task.
Bus "If" you happen to catch a bus within the first hour you are sitting on the bus "don't stop" then you will have the pleasure of beeing charged vast amounts of money to get from one stop to another and at the same time you will be able to listen to chavs, chavettes, chav babies, and chav mobile phone music all at very high volumes at once as you sit on the piss stained and smelling seats, on the plus side sometimes you will get served by a slightly happy bus driver and you might be lucky to get a seat between Mrs 20 stone and a window with some visibility around the snotty spit marks, have a nice journey.
Train If you have lots of money then why not spend it on a train journey, the train usually turns up on time but it is also usually over crowded, you can see the people falling out of the doors and windows just before it arrives at the station, you will probably not be able to board this train or the next four to five trains around rush hour, try arranging your life around the train service to maximise your chances of boarding a train.
Bicycle Be sure that before setting off into the roads of hell I mean Bristol be sure to don a motorcycle helmet and shining armour, shining or not it is advised to wear it. This is all for your own safety as most drivers in Bristol will not have any tolerance or respect for you on your bike and travelling so slow, just a bumper, be warned.
Car If you drive in Bristol it is usually "okay" until you drive into the Bristol town centre where you will be held up in traffic for all eternity unless you are one of the lucky few who manage to escape it until you try to find a place to park and if you are lucky to find a place to park you will be charged a sum of £200 a mintute, but it is worth it when you have finally arrived at your location of Bristol City Centre!
Tram In this busy and bustling city where traffic is getting more and more congested we do not have trams as that would be money well spent.
Aeroplane We've spoken about transport in and around Bristol now lets get you either in or out Bristol as quickly as you would like to but as slowly as Bristol "International" the term used loosely, Airport would rather you to or as it is locally known as "Bristol Tin Pot Airport" or "Bristol Lego Airport" as it is always thwart with technical errors, be it your baggage turns up an hour after you have, there is no ladders available to exit the plane on or the flight is delayed.
Park-and-Ride Said to be better and faster than a bus but always seems to be delayed due the the traffic on the Portway so you might as well walk to town, saves time and money.
