Britain

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Britain
United Kingdom of Great Britain and the other bit that we try not to mention
England

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Strength through Unity, Unity through Faith"
Anthem: "Vindaloo"
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Capital	Birmingham
Previous capital	Washington D.C.
Largest city	London
Official languages	NewSpeak, English, that language English dialect in the north, Scotic Gaelic, Welsh
Government	Absolute Monarchy
-King/Queen	HRH King Chuck II of Norris
National Hero(es)	Rab C. Nesbitt, Matthew Alexander Woodard from the Western Isles, Jade Goody, Gene Hunt, Charles de Gaulle, Billy Connolly, Captain Jack Sparrow, Jeffrey Archer, Doctor Who, Harry Potter, David Beckham, Davros, that tunnel in france Any fit babes in the paper
Declaration of Independence	28 June 2007
Currency	Cucumber sandwiches and teabags
Religion	Talking about house prices (England), hating the English (Wales and Scotland), Taigism and Prodism (Northern Ireland)
Population	60,000,000
Area	skinny
Population density	extremely dense( Scotland = Extremely FAT!!!)
Ethnic groups	Chav: 29%; Yob:15.7%; British: 1%; Hard working Poles: 10.3%; Paki Gangstaz: 50.3%; Terrorists: 10.0% Dirty little immigrants; More than you'd care to imagine.
Major exports	Cats, Princess Diana, episodes of Holby City, Cricket and Proper Football (not pussy gay American type)
Major imports	Water, food, bread, tea, coffee, drugs, guns, the population of Asia, everything else.
National animal	Cat (England), Haggis (Scotland), Sheep (Wales), Semtex (Norn Iron)
Favourite pastime	Moaning about the weather, (England) Moaning about Croatia, (England), moaning about the English (Scotland), moaning about the Brits/Irish/Catholics/Protestants (Norn Iron), moaning about the unresponsive sheep (Wales)
Opening hours	8 til late (England), 8 til pubs open (Scotland), 8 til who cares, there's nothing to buy (Wales), 8 til...wait a minute, you look like a Prod to me, get out. (Norn Iron)
Internet TLD	.oops
Calling code	1984

“Tally Ho, Johnny”

~ Some Colonial Douche

“When I took the England job I thought I would be your next Horatio Nelson!”

~ Fabio Capello on England (which is part of Britain)

Britain, or "Norris' Empire" to foreigners, is the colloquial term for the North Sea Archipelago, or the British Subcontinent, is an insignificant, yet extremely powerful little island that for some reason everyone visits. Founded in 1987 by David Beckham, it is particularly well known for its hatred of Americans.. The nation runs on Chinese takeaways, Indian takeaways, fish and chips, beer, Pot Noodles (innit), the power of Chuck Norris, and a collective hatred of people that do things better than they do. It is also well known for inventing the cat and, of course, being moderately good at almost every sport, but rarely winning anything.

The population of Britain consists mainly of Average Brits, Chavs, Conservatives, New Labourites Hobbits, Chas n' Dave, Imperialists, Pakistanis (a dialect term for anyone from South or South-East Asia), shopkeepers and Oswald Mosley. National pastimes include drinking tea, cultivating bad teeth, and focusing all of one's attention on Americans in order to ignore one's own country's problems and casual violence. This can supposedly be remedied with Nectar points.

Britain is widely regarded as the most drunk nation in Europe. This is largely due to its solubility in water and fiery taste.

The most redeeming feature of Britain is that Oscar Wilde was its patron saint, until, evil bastard that he is, Reichsführer Tony Blair denounced him, saying he didn't suit the population's ethnic minorities (British people) because he was, in fact, Irish.

Contents 1 Geopolitical 1.1 The British Isles 1.2 The United Kingdom 1.3 Great Britain 1.4 How to know you're British 2 Jurisprudence 2.1 Punishment 2.2 Racism 2.3 Law 2.4 Judiciary 2.5 Weapon Bans 3 Culture 3.1 Shakespeare 3.2 Language 3.3 Fashion 3.4 "Britain!" the Musical 4 Sports 5 Economy 5.1 Car manufacture 5.2 Importance of immigrant workers 5.3 Jobs for everyone 6 Governance 6.1 1945-1979: The Phantom Menace: Attlee, Eden, Macmi...oh, why bother 6.2 1979-1990: Revenge of the Bitch: Margaret Thatcher 6.3 1990-1997: A New Hope: John Major 6.4 1997-2007: The Empire Strikes Back: Tony Blair 6.5 2007-2030: Attack of the Brown 7 Cuisine 7.1 Food 7.2 Tea 7.3 Beer 7.4 Cider 8 Plumbing 9 Armed Forces 9.1 Royal Navy 9.2 Royal Air Farce 9.3 Royal Bear Force 9.4 British Army 9.4.1 Royal Salvation Army 9.5 Royal Slavation Army 9.6 Royal Other 10 Conurbations 10.1 Major cities 10.2 Less important cities 10.3 Really Unimportant Cities 11 See Also 11.1 The Commonwealth Countries 12 External links

[edit] Geopolitical

[edit] The British Isles

"The British Isles," (also known as the isles of Pedoph), is a geographical term (a polite way of glossing over the fact that the quiet bit of Ireland used to be part of Britain until the IRA "kicked the crap outta" the English). The Isles are located in the North Atlantic, just between France, Greenland and San Francisco. There are three main and around eighty small islands making up the British Isles. The main islands are Great Britain, Ireland, London and the Isle of Man.

[edit] The United Kingdom

The United Kingdom comprises four countries: England, Wales, Scotland and Beirut. However, the UK is such a horrible country, and its citizens have so little pride, that Scotland and Ireland don't even want to be in the same country anymore. The union is only held together by a shared interest in hating people that are better than them. Each country divides into several counties. The United Kingdom is usually referred to as "Britain", because the full title is too long to put on a stamp, and because it annoys some of the Irish (the ones with the loud voices who dress like Buddhist Homepride flour graders quite like to be called British).

Britain is mostly made up of Scotland. Coming into some money when its auntie died, Scotland had some extra bits attached, including England, which it uses as a decoy so that American tourists will wander around England instead, so that desperately needed tourist money can be injected into their economy. It is widely believed that Ireland broke free from Scotland during a particularly windy afternoon. Ireland then became lonely and developed a split personality: the poor dear now believes it is two separate countries, and the rest of the world has chosen to play along in the hopes it will wise up by itself. Wales is completely non-committal about everything and, as such, does not have a fully-fledged government and has decided to only have an assembly. This means that dealing with important national matters is often interrupted by RE lessons. They insist on speaking Welsh, because it annoys the English. However, Wales is not as good as Scotland because Wales only has Charlotte Church whereas Scotland has The Proclaimers. Britain is the home of the worst wristwatch in the world, which make the Hells themselves cry out in agony when they are made to look upon it. In 2012, after the Olympics, Britain intends to hand over the country to the highest bidder. Or the lowest, we're not fussy.

[edit] Great Britain

Great Britain is the largest aircraft carrier in the US Navy. The word "Great" was inserted into the name by the government to make the country feel better after a severe ego-bruising argument with Poland in 1972, believed to relate to the ownership of Newcastle. Poland almost wrangled the city, before stomping out of negotiations and going to sulk in its room for around five or six hours, listening to emo music turned up just loud enough so England couldn't block out the lyrics about suicide, mutilation, etc. England has as such felt slightly guilty ever since and is therefore allowing hundreds upon thousands of Poles onto its boot shaped land in return. If you look at the island of Britain from space (or if you can't be bothered, you could just use a map) you will see that it bears a striking resemblance to a witch riding on (possibly raping) a pig. Therefore, anyone in the east of Great Britain should realise that they are living on a pig's arse. Other theories suggest that Britain is actually a holy manifestation of a male masturbationary toy, or a "fleshlight". If this is the case, then many argue that due to the recent whoring out of Britain to the good ol' USA, (USAUSausausa..ok. fine.) and the resemblance and positioning of the state Florida to that of America's potential penis: the Country should hence forth be referred to as America's Sex Toy of Choice. Great Britain is attached to the mainland of Europe by the Channel Tunnel. This prevents Great Britain from floating off into the North Atlantic and hitting Florida, thus realizing its holy use: the pleasure of the Holy Empire of George Bush (that's what USA stands for).

[edit] How to know you're British

1. If your fridge is filled with tea bottles and you have 'petrol' instead of gas
2. You think you are better than Americans
3. You still have a Queen, but at least she doesn't start wars for oil!. She is, however, an unelected sponger and nobody likes her
4. You have drive by arguments instead of drive by shootings
5. You constantly remind people that you DID accompany the Americans in their Norman Invasion in WW2
6. You pretty much have the weirdest teams in every sport
7. You hate the arrogance of Yanks like Pee Wee Herman
8. You think that Monty Python is the second coming of Jesus
9. You still believe that England is more than a minuscule island in the middle of nowhere
10. You are better than Americans
11. You know you did well in the war because you were the only nation in Europe that wasn't conquered by Hilter. (except for Ireland, Spain, Portugal, Iceland, Euro Disney, Andorra, Cyprus, Alton Towers and The Hilton Hotel at Glasgow Prestwick)
12. You complain about hardworking Polish immigrants, while avoiding doing any work (and actually undoing previous work, if you're a politician)
13. You stand in a queue for ages, complain about the length of the queue to everyone else in it until finally when you get to the front you forget why you were there in the first place
14. You have had 5 babies before your 18th Birthday
15. You haven't brushed your teeth in 20 years, and figured, "why start now?"
16. You are always saying Blackpool Pleasure Beach is better than Disney World.

[edit] Jurisprudence

[edit] Punishment

Great Britain no longer believes in Punishment. It now prefers a meeting with social workers, followed by a community assistance grant, free holiday with other children from deprived areas, a free tracksuit, free bus travel, more benefits and a nice nap with a blankey and a bottle, there, there, who's a nice chav? coo coo coo...

[edit] Racism

Britain is the least racist country on earth. They know this because they have no preformed ideas regarding our fellow countrymen. They know that all blacks carry guns and shoot each other, they know never to get on a tube with a Muslim looking person, and they know that all Polish people will steal their jobs and then leave bits of other Polish people on Arbroath beach.

[edit] Law

Law is controlled by cops known as 'Boobies' - topless women prancing around towns and cities with nothing better to do. The common law (so called because it is wilfully obscure and tremendously expensive) is used to decide disputes between rich people who for some reason decide not to call out their retainers for trial by battle. Most of the time in court is spent staring at the 'Boobies' boobies! Usually the richest wins. Common people are not allowed to use the common law. They just sort out differences with fists or knives. They would use guns, but they're harder to get a hold of than in the States. However, there are usually militias or mobs that police the towns or cities, helping to rid the slums of homeless peasants. Due to the excellent law enforcement, Britain is the safest and most just kingdom in all of Christendom.

[edit] Judiciary

"The British judicial system is more successful than any judicial system implemented on any other planet except Earth and Epsilon675. Crime rates have dropped year on year due to the falling population; what with all the murders.........

[edit] Weapon Bans

There are numerous other bans in Britain as well, most notably: Rifles, shotguns, large knives, small knives, butter knives, pen knifes, pointy sticks, large rocks, pointy rocks, large pointy rocks, small rocks, pointy small rocks, blunt rocks, rocks, large books, bug spray, string, Kitty-launchers, Arabs, hamsters, pickups with plows, pickups with pointy fronts, compacts with pointy fronts, compacts with plows, and overly sharpened pencils (as those would qualify as pointy sticks). Paper is still obtainable but there is a ten day waiting period as one could get a nasty paper cut. Predictably, now only criminals have access to weapons of any sort, although anyone stupid enough not to realise that of course criminalising the ownership of guns makes owners of guns criminals should be shot, or the British equivalent, kicked to death. The reason for this is ban is due to the British man's ability to beat anything that confronts him, therefore rendering all weapons in Britain pointless and a waste of money.

NOTE: People who live in the countryside MAY equip them selves with shotguns, and various Police men may be armed, homemade weapons are perfectly legal, and you may brutally murder someone without fear of a fine or punishment as long as you use this weapon, or if you're black.

[edit] Culture

[edit] Shakespeare

"Shakespeare" was a motion used to kill people while stabbing them with a spear-like object. Or, in fact, a spear. Famous people killed in this way are Macbeth, King Lear, Romeo and Juliet, all of which were turned into plays by William Shakespeare. The cause of the incorrect spelling of the word "spear" is typical as the whole of the English language is neva speld az it sh'd be by umericunz.

[edit] Language

Britain (England specifically), is the country of origin of the English language. Ironically, British people do not speak it. Only a dirty, mutilated version of English is spoken in which several sounds - that are pronounced and enunciated clearly by English speakers everywhere else in the world - are left out of words. Some prefixes and suffixes are distorted so much that British people pronounce them exactly opposite of how it should be pronounced. For instance, in Britain today, China is now pronounced "chine-er", while the word 'Super' is pronounced as "Soop-uuh" in England.

Current theory suggests that this rape of the English language derives from the speech patterns of people who are heavily intoxicated. Linguists believe that since people in Britain are so drunk, so often (to help cope with the fact that Americans, people who were once their subjects are now the foundation of British existence) that they have now adapted to speak this way at all times, and this is how it has become their national dialect. Another notable theory is that this speech pattern has existed this way due to the horrid state of dentistry and orthodontia in Britain. Britain's predominant dialect is basically a nation-wide, hereditary speech impediment caused by having a mouth filled with crooked, rotten and/or missing teeth.

[edit] Fashion

Usually fashion trends in Britain consist of imitating what Americans wore 5 years prior (which was worn by the French 5 years prior, and which was worn by the Italians 5 years prior to that). However, Britain has recently reinvented the "Tramp Chic" style; basically looking like a complete dosser and even acting like one: not washing or participating in anything to do with British society (See Poland) They are also the worst offenders in the case of buying and wearing 'Crocs'. These are the lovechild of sandals and bubble gum. However, there is a law being made by the Queen that states "Anyone of Our pathetic subjects seen sporting a pair of those most abominable footwear garments in Our Glorious Realm shall be burnt at the stake for treason." Many people believe this to be a right and just punishment for said heinous crime. Obviously, terrorists are given a light smack on the wrist and sent to bed without any supper.

[edit] "Britain!" the Musical

This popular Lloyd Webber production was first run in the summer of '66 to rapturous reception. It tells the story of how a young musical theatre writer, Andrew Webber-Lloyd, scrapes together a living writing sub-standard trite rubbish, but after spending a year on the street living with cats, he has a breakthrough that allows him to invent the Flux Capacitor and save his future self from Libyan Clinjas before emigrating to the States to escape the unrequited love of Princess Diana. The play is set over a time period spanning around three decades, and covers such events as the English Civil War, the cloning of King Henry VIII and the Dance Dance Revolution.

Here are the lyrics to one of the show-stopping songs, "O to be in Britain!". It received a standing ovation when performed by a young Brian Blessed in the role of Webber-Lloyd on the opening night in the Globe Theatre, July 1966.

O, to be in Britain,

Your muddy lanes and fruitless paths

O, to be in Britain,

Three quid a pint, you're 'avin a larf!

O, to be in Londonon,

Your fair, clean streets doth shine with gold!

O, to be in Birmingham,

Where rooftops sing of days of old!

Britain! Briiiiiiiiiiiitain! Briiii-iiii-iiiitain!

La, la-la la la la, la la-la la.

Britain! Briiiiiiiiiiiitain! Briiii-iiii-iiiitain!

La, la-la la la la, la la-la la.

O, to be an Englishman,

Where life is short and times are dire,

O, to be an Englishman,

I cast my passport to the fire

O, I move to Neverland,

Where life is childish and times are nice,

O, to be in Neverland,

With Captain Hook and Peter Pan

O, A life in Neverland,

This fucking country's full of fucking twats. and grownups

Whilst the music is totally original, like all Lloyd Webber songs, one can exactly approximate it by thinking of the tune "The Final Countdown" by the European Union, transposed up a perfect fifth.

[edit] Sports

Many believe that football is Britain's native sport, this is incorrect. The British invented and enjoy much more violent sports. Most notable is the hunting of the fox in which they allow their dogs to torment and mutilate a fox for several hours before they finally shoot it. In fact, this British sport is so disgusting that they even kill their own dogs when they fail to properly ravage the fox.

This sport and others hearken back to the dark ages in which the national pastime of Britain was public lynchings, they love blood and gore in all their sports. Yet, at the same time in the eyes of British people, Americans that hunt deer for food and kill them with a single shot to the heart are considered barbaric.

Another highly popular sport which has risen up over the past few years is that of chav-baiting. Two chavs are thrown into a burberry free pit and must fight to the death over an Elizabeth Duke sovereign ring from Argos. Officially this sport is now illegal but no-one actually kicks up any fuss over it as it provides such a public service.

[edit] Economy

[edit] Car manufacture

Britain Motors Ltd. was founded in 1833, several years before the invention of the car, to produce rubber cladding for train wheels that made handy swings for children once they'd worn out. This was an example of a faux-secondary industry, where the product itself was not used for its intended purposes: further examples are cucumbers, baseball bats, cheese and Oscar Wilde.

When the internal combustion engine really took off in 1944 as a remote-controllable tactical anvil, BM Ltd. began production of its most popular vehicles, the BM Ulysses, the BM Bushwhacker, the BM Toronto and, famously, the tricycle. Sadly none of these vehicles, bar the tricycle, are still in use, as they all had minor engineering faults (square wheels, no brakes, square steering wheels, made entirely of rust) that led to short working lives and all were melted down for scrap. Secretly sanctioned by the British Government was The Battle Bus, a favourite of Japanese and French tourists.

BM Ltd. went bust in 1960 after its owner, Adolf Hitler, said on live television that all their cars were crap and fitted with a Nazi bomb which he planned to detonate the next time anyone pushed in front in the McDonald's queue.

[edit] Importance of immigrant workers

Britain is of such a diverse nature that it has been widely and forcefully accepted that without ugly, psychopathic, or otherwise illegal immigrant workers flooding in through the border every minute of every day, there would be nothing but unemployment throughout the isle. If this is because the government believe the natives are lazy bastards who'd rather live on benefit than lift a finger, or because the top brass is getting paid several billion in backhanders by the European Union, no one knows (actually we do but if we say anything they'd do us for acts of terrorism). A recent study suggested that it was impossible to have a study on what percentage of immigrants are taking the native's jobs, because although 113% of immigrants were claiming benefits, nearly all of them work without permits or papers on building sites making them impossible to track (but at least that brand new housing estate they're building on your local green belt field will be ready in time for tea). More shock-horror came from the fact 99% of all immigrants can't speak Engrish, but are more than capable of demanding large sums of money from old ladies in the street whilst wielding guns that are supposed to be banned. These alarming statistics did not reach the public domain, however, because it was shown in a documentary on Channel Five, of which no one ever watches unless they're showing lesbian porn.

[edit] Jobs for everyone

Another admirable aspect of British industry is the fact it has enough jobs to go around for everyone, and how culturally active it is in providing people of ethnic backgrounds these jobs instead of giving them to people who are actually qualified for them. Rest assure that despite the fact they may not actually be qualified for the job or they can speak not a single word of English, at least they're getting the job and won't sue the company for racial discrimination which would only hurt our economy more!

[edit] Governance

[edit] 1945-1979: The Phantom Menace: Attlee, Eden, Macmi...oh, why bother

It is well documented that the Head of State, Canadian Princess Elizabeth II of 1946, fought for power over the elite Welsh in the bloody war of 1953. No animals were harmed in the making of this country, although several small voles were maimed (these are technically vegetables).

[edit] 1979-1990: Revenge of the Bitch: Margaret Thatcher

Thatchers' Britain, also known as Thatcherism was a period of British history between 1979 to 1992 when the main Thatcher union (the Confederated Union of National Thatchers) seized power in a bloodless coup, known as an "election", causing a run on National Hay stocks. The Thatcher regime sought to recreate Great Britain as a Neo-Nazi hardcore right-wing moronic Fascist state, and criticised the Russians for their interference.

The policy of the Thatcher government was to abolish standard roofing on buildings, and to replace it with natural thatch. What constituted natural thatch was the only business that occupied Parliament, allowing the Argentine Beef Union to take over the Falklands in 1982. Luckily, the invasion was repelled by sheep, securing Thatcherism another two "election" victories.

The Thatcher government was led by a woman (coincidentally called Thatcher. What were the odds on that, eh?) who was fashioned entirely out of iron. Some people say this is why she was given the nickname of 'Iron Lady'. And why she didn't like immigrants in the same way Hitler didn't like Jews, apart from the gassing.

Preferring to remain lazy, incompetent and proud of it, thank you very much, the British detested this sexy minx of a woman making them adopt the quaint Japanese concept of "work" and resented the reforms of the minx-in-chief. As well as introducing the public to this unique Asian activity she also set about euthanising Britain's coal mining industry. for several years men in denim fought the police in practically every northern town, The mine workers leader Arthur Scarygill fought back destroying the Thatcher Government's first Death Star only to perish at the battle of easington colliery (see Return of the jedi). With the miners decimated the Tory government patted each other on the back and congratulated each other on a job well done. The miners later found work as dancers in Britain's growing Ballet industry. (see Billy Elliot)

The British people valiantly fought back by the subtle technique of voting to return her to power in three consecutive elections in the hope that she would get bored. Oddly enough, this worked, and made her cry so much that she drowned, killing several hamsters that were standing guard outside her home, Buckingham Palace.

[edit] 1990-1997: A New Hope: John Major

The above period ended when the Grey Man overthrew the Head Thatcher in a very bloodless coup, known as a "muppetfest". John Major was the very best that the British system of government could produce, which gave the country the international reputation for wise governance that it still enjoys today. Major's triumphs included the graceful exit from the Euro and standing on a wooden box whilst talking to people in a not inconsiderably audible voice. This weakened the Union's power and allowed the Union of Labourers and Brickies to seize power in 1997, with so, so much squirting of blood it was still dripping out of the corpses until 2001. Also he was shagging that Edwina Whatsherface and he was born in the circus.

[edit] 1997-2007: The Empire Strikes Back: Tony Blair

During this period, Britain was ruled by the eurocommunist Tony Blair. Under his leadership, successful businesses like Railtrack were ruthlessly nationalised for the simple British "crime" of letting a train crash occasionally. Car drivers were thoroughly hated and Blair's so-called police used the sinister statist device called "the law" to prosecute them for the innocent act of breaking the speed limit. It also became impossible to discipline a child even by shouting, beating or other traditional child-rearing methods that never did me any harm, OK? Punishment consisted of deportation to continental Europe to be placed in a gulag but, due to Europe being full, Britain was unable to deport foreign criminals and preferred to release them early and let them run riot around the country, whilst inviting their mates over to do the jobs that all the fat British chavs were too lazy to do.

All opposition parties were banned because New Labour deemed them "unnewlabour". Anyone who attempted to speak out against the madness in underground newspapers like The Daily Telegraph were placed under house arrest or assassinated by Blair's paramilitary political-police, the "PC Brigade" or "Health and Safety Executive", which just banned everything until people got used to it and stopped complaining.

Another noted idea of Blair's was to devolve power to the Scots and Welsh, which was both stupid and dangerous, because everyone knows that if you do that, the Scots will try to deep-fat-fry it, and the Welsh will try to insert it up a certain area of their unresponsive sheep to get them aroused.

The British people valiantly fought back by the subtle technique of voting to return him to power in three consecutive elections in the hope that he would get bored. Oddly enough, this worked. However, he did not cry like Thatcher, he simply went off to get a job as Palpatine's rent boy.

[edit] 2007-2030: Attack of the Brown

After Blair suddenly went insane and died three days after being bored of being PM, he left his illegitimate son to be PM in his will.

Mr. Gordon "He puts the Scot in Scotland" Brown is a man broad of girth but narrow of vision. Whenever it is demanded he actually do something in Parliament by David Cameron, He simply remarks "It's only my fifth day!" even though it isn't. He might well keep using this excuse well-into 2008.

However, underneath his uncaring outer shell, there is a ruthless evil beast who is seeking wipe Iraq off the face of the Earth. He is planning to destroy it by using an utterly evil thing known only as democracy. Little is actually understood about this method and some commentators have described the Iraqi model as "Democracy with Middle Eastern characteristics".

Brown is the new Broon

[edit] Cuisine

[edit] Food

When it comes to British food and British cooking, there are three things to say: Oh God, Dear God, and RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES!!!

• Pie and chips
• Pie with chips
• Chip-pie
• Jellied Eel Pie and chips
• Deep fried Mars bar Pie and chips
• Monosodium glutamate pie and chips (only within a 50km radius of Manchester)
• Rohypnol pie and chips (note: this dish is usually made for unsuspecting young boys by Michael Jackson)
• Scat and chips
• Unsurpassed Roast Dinner and chips
• Rosbif
• Watered down Curry
• Air pie and windy pudding
• Oh dear God, he's making baked beans on toast! Run away!... and chips (Note that the amalgamation of all three things to say about British cooking would not have been tolerated under Stalin, or the brief coup in which Greenpeace attempted to gain world domination)

For more information about British cooking, see torture, pain, suffering, hell, fish, chips, fish'n'chips and korma chameleon.

[edit] Tea

True to Popular Belief, British people love tea. This is caused by a mutation that occurs when people come to Britain and are subjected to a powerful aroma of manure and farmland. It results in an additional organ located beside the kidney, called a teaefolite, which demands the consumption of tea. If tea is not consumed regularly, the subject will adopt a homeless person's visage and endure the existence of a traffic warden.

Tea is considered a cure all for many social and medical problems. It has been noted for curing homelessness, cancer, grief and being an asshole. oh and is the emergency drink in case of werewolf/zombie/vampire/alien attacks.

Tea comes in different varieties in Britain. Earl Grey, Twinings, Cheery, Apple, Tesco Value and Happy Shopper versions are available. Tea can be drunk with sugar too. It has been stated that Stephen Fry is the sole inventor of tea, but this cannot be the case unless Stephen Fry himself is over 800 years old, and lives in both the United Kingdom and China simultaneously (which would explain his dress sense). As British people grow older, their tea taste changes, and many more people prefer the new-fangled Lemon-Tea (a posh way of saying 'Hot water with a slice of lemon').

[edit] Beer

Drinks such as lager and snakebite are popular, although ale is more traditional and nearly tastes less like urine. English beer is absolutely 100% the best beer in the world if you like the taste of vomit. Alcoholic beverages from any other place in the world pale into insignificance when compared to English ale in this regard, no argument. British will rag on American beer as an extension of their all-consuming inferiority complex. They do this by only emphasizing American mass-produced beer, and entirely ignoring that American beers in competitions have won more awards. Ironically, the only award that a British brewer received was for American-style lager.

[edit] Cider

Cider is a prominent drink in Britain, because its cheaper than beer and also because it has a stronger alcoholic affect over a shorter period of time. As such all the piss heads, chavs who can't afford anything better and meths drinking tramps enjoy cider. Most ciders are weak, generally only resulting in mild paralysis if consumed in small quantities. Strongbow is one such weak variant, but it is unique in as much as it carries a health warning informing the drinker that when combined with a cheese & onion pasty it may cause projectile vomiting due to the inherent chemical process used to create it (and the fact cheese & onion pastys will do a number on anyone's stomach). Strongbow is also a known to cause people to breath out for prolonged periods of time, causing eventual shortage of breath and inevitably death. Interestingly, Cider is the only beverage on the market that smells the same before its been consumed as it does after it has been regurgitated again. The strongest and most original form of cider available in England was called Scrumpy. No one knows what it tastes like however, because all those unfortunate souls who drank it before the nation wide ban had a fatal head explosion three seconds later.

[edit] Plumbing

British plumbing is often remarked upon by the unsuspecting tourist, loudly, excitedly and at great length. Historically tightly controlled by a secretive band of sadomasochists who derive much sexual pleasure from being simultaneously scalded and frozen, and more pleasure still from inflicting said combination of temperature extremes upon other people, they act single-mindedly to preserve the true agony-inducing design of the separate British hot and cold taps that has been handed down throughout the ages. Innovation has not entirely passed the island by, of course; some particularly deviant members of the plumbing cartel have formed a splinter group specialising in fitting single square kitchen taps which take separate hot and cold pipes all the way to the tip, thus reducing the separation between scalding and freezing streams to mere millimetres. Cunningly designed to look just like continental mixer taps, they catch even the wary user. Further information may be found on AAAAAAAAA!

[edit] Armed Forces

The British used to be the fucking superpower before World War I, now they're just shit.

History aside, the British forces today are never seen without the likes of Madonna leading the troops into battle. She still refuses to go back to her origins, the USA.

[edit] Royal Navy

The Royal Navy is the oldest of Britain's armed forces and is known as the "Senior Service". It is the eldest child and so acts responsibly and carefully, and saves all its pennies. In peacetime, the Navy is primarily employed on lakes and council duckponds and can be rented out to small children for a five-minute trip round the lighthouse. Their ships consist of the HMS Useless, two dinghys, the HMS Ant and HMS Dec and a rowing boat powered by Ellen McArthur. The mention of these ships has been enough to paralyse most other navies in fear, though the Iranian navy ship the INS Infidel developed a rare immunity to this effect.

[edit] Royal Air Farce

The Royal Air Force is the newest of Britain's armed forces and is known as the "Royal Air Force". It is the youngest child and is spoiled rotten, buying all the new toys from America and going "Wheee! Look at me!" in their fancy contraptions. It is staffed by highly trained planespotters and flies aircraft that are the meager best that Europe can build, and hence must be kept in a constant bubble-wrapped state for 365 days of the year (meaning Britain will only declare war on February 29th). The Royal Air Farce is only available for twenty minutes a day, two days a week (not weekends) and only every other week, calling outside of those hours will send you to a call centre in India... calls cost 2,000 Rupees a second.

Some shitty flying metal bird thingy was also developed by Britain and some other crappy unheard of countries in Europe like Spain and France but no one cares about them, (called the Eurofighter). Called the Eurofighter because it was actual developed for when Britain gets up off its lazy, immigrant infested, arse and brings down the rest of Europe to eternally beg at its toes. It's so fucking awesome it was designed to not be able to fly, that's just how good it is.

[edit] Royal Bear Force

The Royal Bear Force is the unknown division of the United Kingdom's military, Tom Baker said it's "The best friggin' force in the whole world. yerrr!" because they paid him to. They paid the Queen to say it but she wouldn't say "friggin'". It recruits only bears or people who look like bears eg. Brian Blessed.

[edit] British Army

The British Army has always been quite miffed that its official title doesn't include the word "Royal". Widespread and generally well motivated, recruits in the Army have been known to be so committed to their underpaid job, they actually committed suicide by shooting themselves in the head, twice. The Army is the middle child of Britain's armed forces. As such it can be sullen and a little bit stroppy, but speak to them nicely and they'll come out of their shells, mark my words. By far the most withdrawn is the Parachute Regiment, whose almost pathological shyness is known throughout the world.

[edit] Royal Salvation Army

The often ignored, weedy younger sister of the Army, the British Salvation Army has long stood by the idea that wars can be won without the need for all the fighting, or as they call it All that nasty rough and tumble. Many a member of the salvation army has gone up to an enemy trooper during wartime, in the hope that they will convince him to stop fighting. However, as many enemy soldiers are foreign (except for Scotland, Wales & Northern Ireland), most people don't understand what the members are trying to say, and kill them on the spot. This has led to a decrease in members for the Salvation Army, as most people want to be able to fight back against the person trying to kill you.

[edit] Royal Slavation Army

The well known charity that supplies less well-off families with the slave labour that got it where it is today. It is known to take in orphans who are sold on at a very reasonable price. It has made a great effort to help in the war in Afghanistan and Iraq by supplying the Army with much cannon fodder including the bullet magnet, Prince Harry.

[edit] Royal Other

A recent addition is Her Majesty's Volunteer Regiment of Tube, Bus and Plane Redecorators. It is the overlooked child that shoehorns its way into the script, a bit like when Shannon Doherty left "Charmed" and the ugly one had to join, you know, her who slept with Marilyn Manson and looked like a bulldog chewing a wasp. This volunteer force has sprung up to increase Britain's involvement in the War on Terror and consists of several peaceable and devout Islamic people living in Bolton and Crawley. It stands ready to explosively redecorate many forms of public transportation in subtle shades of red when asked. Or even unasked.

[edit] Conurbations

[edit] Major cities

• Sheffield
• Madchester
• Beckingham
• Abingdon
• Blackpool
• Bristol
• Stoke-on-Trent
• Dorset
• Southampton
• Rochdale
• Leicester
• Londrone
• Hobbiton
• Birmingham
• Indianapolis
• Norwich
• Nottingham
• Liverpool

[edit] Less important cities

• New England
• Ambridge
• Oxbridge
• Hereford
• Aylesbury
• Socialist Republic of Scouseland
• London
• Harlow
• Dormanstown
• Edinburgh
• Dublin

[edit] Really Unimportant Cities

• Bedford
• Wales

[edit] See Also

• Soviet Britain
• North Sea Archipelago
• The British Navy
• Royal Navy
• Great Britain
• British Empire
• Booze
• England
• Johnny Foreigner's Guide to British Humour
• Parliamentary Reform in Britain
• Federation of Nations that hate Britain
• British Line of Succession
• National Dyslexics Association
• BNP
• The Color Problem

[edit] The Commonwealth Countries

(in order of importance)

• United Kingdom
• Great Britain
• Britain
• New Zealand
• Australia
• Canada
• Serf Afrikaa
• India
• Jamaica
• Cyprus
• Bangladesh
• Kenya
• Dodoland
• Pakistan
• Singapore
• Sri Lanka
• Seychelles
• Stockport
• Swaziland
• America

[edit] External links

• The Daily Harbringer
• Britain for Americans
• Dystopian Society Newswire Service

Commonwealth of Independent Nations

In order of importance Britain ~ Oz ~ Canada ~ Canadia ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Barsturds ~ Even More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan

Europa

North Central South East Scandinavia Sweetener Thin-land No Way! Eyes-land Demarked zone (Sheep Islands Greenpeace) - British Isles Gordon Albion Scotch Whale Northern Tire-land Isle of Woman Tire-land Francosphere Frigid Old Jersey Monkey Gender-Switcherland - Germanosphere Germs Hungry Australia Poo-land Czech Mate Slovenia 2 Lychee juice - Benelux NeverNeverland Bell-end Luxuryburger Italian peninsula Italia Some Marinated Pasta Pope Crew Malteasers - Iberian peninsula Spine Poor-Jew-Gal Gibraltar Adorable - Balkan peninsula All in bin Grease Sinus Chicken Siberia 2 Bos and Herz Vulgaristan Mcdonalds Mount Negro Roma Slovakia 2 Creation Rush-hour You-crane Belarus Mouldy Lapdance Our-men-'ere AZ-Alckmaarjan Georgina E-Strore.net Lethal

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