Britain
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| Motto: "Strength through Unity, Unity through Faith, Faith through Ignorance, Ignorance through Drink" | |||||
| Anthem: "Vindaloo" | |||||
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| Capital | London | ||||
| Largest city | London | ||||
| Official languages | English, that | ||||
| Government | Elected Dictatorship or kitten dictatorship | ||||
| -Chancellor of the Exchequer | Alan M. Sugar, Ben Dover, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Edward IX | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Piers Morgan, Jade Goody, Gene Hunt, Satan, Charles de Gaulle, Billy Connolly, Captain Jack Sparrow, Jeffrey Archer, Doctor Who, Harry Potter, David Beckham, Sir Anthony & Sir Declan, Kirby, Eddie the Eagle, Sir Robert of Geldof, Gordon Ramsay, Davros, Mohamed Al Fayed, Sven Goran Eriksson, Graham Norton, Saddam Hussein, Dame Shilpa Shetty, Max Mosley, Wallace & Gromit,Ryan Tolmia the Chosen One, Harold Shipman, Tinky-Winky, Francis Begbie | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 0 AD | ||||
| Currency | Cucumber sandwiches, Argentina, teabags and second-hand tax discs | ||||
| Religion | Talking about house prices (England), hating the others (Wales and Scotland), Taigism and Prodism (Northern Ireland), Monty Python (All) | ||||
| Population | 65,000,000
(3,000,000 including slaves) | ||||
| Area | mostly damp | ||||
| Population density | extremely dense( Scotland = Extremely FAT!!!) | ||||
| Ethnic groups | Chav: 29%; Snob:36.4%; British: 1%; British Gangstaz: 50.3%; Terrorists: 10.0%(and rising); Dirty little immigrants: More than you'd care to imagine. | ||||
| Major exports | Hugh Laurie, Princess Diana, episodes of Holby City, football hooligans, Phil Collins, snobbery, weapons for unstable dictatorships, Faye Turney, Cricket Global Warming rumours and Proper Football (not pussy gay American type) | ||||
| Major imports | Tea, coffee, tuberculosis, Kylie Minogue, AIDS, Communism, pornography, mugging, drugs, guns, Prince Philip, the population of Asia, Yardie gangsters, Albanian pimps, Romanian pickpockets, Vietnamese cannabis growers, Somalian gangs, Muslim terrorists, Nigerian fraudsters. | ||||
| National animal | Cat (England), Haggis (Scotland), Sheep (Wales), Semtex (Norn Iron), Jeremy Clarkson (All) | ||||
| Favourite pastime | Moaning about the weather, (England) Moaning about Croatia, (England), moaning about the English (Scotland), moaning about the Brits/Irish/Catholics/Protestants (Norn Iron), moaning about the unresponsive sheep (Wales), moaning about insensitive lovers (Welsh sheep), lying in own vomit (All) | ||||
| Opening hours | 8 til late (England), 8 til pubs open (Scotland), 8 til who cares, there's nothing to buy (Wales), 8 til...wait a minute, you look like a Prod to me, get out. (Norn Iron) | ||||
| Internet TLD | .oops | ||||
| Calling code | 1984 | ||||
“ Where is my beloved tea? I want it within a second, or Tony Blair will get a haircut that he will not like! I am just saying it!!”
~ The royal pain in a butt on her tea, Tony Blair and so on
“ The only thing worst then being talked about is the British people's teeth.”
Brigtain is a mixture of vomit, chit and eventually piss. Currently, it is ruled by the 99th Britannian Emperor, Lelouch vi Britannia, who took the throne after his father, Charles di Britannia, who was murdered by a group of unconscious people in an imaginary world called C. Since 1431, Britain has been floating around the seas, pulled by the glorious British Navy, engaged in the sport of Civilizing nations. They last docked under a permanent raincloud somewhere in the Atlantic, and have not been seen since. Britain invented everything known to man. Their latest gifts to mankind have included Australia, Alan Partridge, and Crumpets, which because are not more than 200 calories, or deep fried, would not appeal the yanks. The nation runs on Chinese takeaways, Indian takeaways, fish and chips, beer, Pot Noodles (innit), pornography, and a collective hatred of people that do things better than they do. It is also well known for inventing the cat, giving America a use and being moderately good at almost every sport, but rarely winning anything. Yet, still winning more than the morbidly obese yanks, who rarely leave their ejaculate stained computer chairs for fear of a heart attack, or stroke.
The population of Britain consists mainly of Average Brits, Conservatives, New Labourites, Hobbits, Reality TV Contestants, Black Gangs, Chas n' Dave, Imperialists, Pakistanis (a dialect term for anyone from South or South-East Asia), shopkeepers and Oswald Mosley. National pastimes include drinking tea, cultivating bad teeth, and focusing all of one's attention on Americans in order to ignore one's own country's problems and casual violence. This can supposedly be remedied with Nectar points.
Britain is widely regarded as the most drunk nation in Europe. This is largely due to its solubility in water and fiery taste.
The most redeeming feature of Britain is that Oscar Wilde was its patron saint, until, evil bastard that he is, Reichsführer Tony Blair denounced him, saying he didn't suit the population's ethnic minorities (British people) because he was, in fact, Irish.
[edit] Geopolitical
[edit] The British Isles
"The British Isles," (also known as the isles of Britney), is a geographical term (a polite way of glossing over the fact that the backward bit of Ireland used to be part of Britain until the English finally gave up trying to establish some kind of rudimentary civilisation for the leprechauns, Guinness drinkers and bog-dwellers living there). The Isles are located in the North Atlantic, about 2,000 miles off the Newfoundland coast. Just follow the stench of garlic and poodle droppings and then turn left a bit. There are three main and around eighty small islands making up the British Isles. The main islands are Great Britain, Ireland, Chavtopia and the Isle of Man.
[edit] The United Kingdom
The United Kingdom comprises four countries: England, Wales, Scotland, Beirut and Texas. However, the UK is such a horrible country, and its citizens have so little pride, that Scotland and Ireland don't even want to be in the same country anymore. The union is only held together by a shared interest in drinking to excess and picking fights with passers-by for "looking at me in a funny way". Each country divides into several counties. The United Kingdom is usually referred to as "Britain", because the full title is too long to put on a stamp, and because it annoys some of the Irish (the ones with the loud voices who dress like Buddhist Homepride flour graders quite like to be called British).
Britain is mostly made up of Scotland. Coming into some money when its auntie died, Scotland had some extra bits attached, including England, which it uses as a decoy so that American tourists will wander around England instead, so that desperately needed tourist money can be injected into their economy. It is widely believed that Ireland broke free from Scotland during a particularly windy afternoon. Ireland then became lonely and developed a split personality: the poor dear now believes it is two separate countries, and the rest of the world has chosen to play along in the hopes it will wise up by itself. Wales is completely non-committal about everything and, as such, does not have a fully-fledged government and has decided to only have an assembly. This means that dealing with important national matters is often interrupted by RE lessons. They insist on speaking Welsh, because it annoys the English and is more soothing to sheep during romantic candlelit dinners. However, Wales is not as good as Scotland because Wales only has Charlotte Church whereas Scotland has both The Proclaimers and Jimmy Krankie. Britain is the home of the worst wristwatch in the world, which make the Hells themselves cry out in agony when they are made to look upon it. In 2012, after the Olympics have demonstrated yet again how crap we are at athletics, Britain intends to hand over the country to the highest bidder. Or the lowest, we're not fussy. Although whoever it is must have big tits.
[edit] Great Britain
Great Britain is the largest aircraft carrier in the US Navy. The word "Great" was inserted into the name by the government to make the country feel better after a severe ego-bruising argument with Poland in 1972, believed to relate to the ownership of Newcastle. Poland almost wrangled the city, before stomping out of negotiations and going to sulk in its room for around five or six hours, listening to emo music turned up just loud enough so England couldn't block out the lyrics about suicide, mutilation, etc. England has as such felt slightly guilty ever since and is therefore allowing hundreds upon thousands of Poles onto its boot shaped land in return. If you look at the island of Britain from space (or if you can't be bothered, you could just use a map) you will see that it bears a striking resemblance to a witch riding on (possibly raping) a pig. Therefore, anyone in the east of Great Britain should realise that they are living on a pig's arse. Other theories suggest that Britain is actually a holy manifestation of a male masturbationary toy, or a "fleshlight". If this is the case, then many argue that due to the recent whoring out of Britain to the good ol' USA, (USAUSausausa..ok. fine.) and the resemblance and positioning of the state Florida to that of America's potential penis: the Country should hence forth be referred to as America's Sex Toy of Choice. Great Britain is attached to the mainland of Europe by the Channel Tunnel. This prevents Great Britain from floating off into the North Atlantic and hitting Florida, thus realizing its holy use: the pleasure of the Holy Empire of George Bush (that's what USA stands for).
[edit] Punishment
Great Britain no longer believes in Punishment. It now prefers a meeting with social workers, followed by a community assistance grant, free holiday with other children from deprived areas, a free tracksuit, free bus travel, more benefits and a nice nap with a blankey and a bottle, there, there, who's a nice chav? England still does though. They just don't want us to know about it. Caning is well practise and very well used.
[edit] Racism
The United Kingdom and And every other country except the countries that United Kingdom took control of such as West Indies, East Indies, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, England, Jersey, Virgin Islands, America, France, Russia, Germany,Italy and Georgia Islands. On the other hand they arent because they have no preformed ideas regarding our fellow countrymen. They know that all blacks carry guns and shoot each other, they know never to get on a tube with a Muslim looking person or walk the streets of Luton or get on a bus without an armed escort or policeman, and they know that all immigrant people will steal their jobs and then leave bits of other races of people on Arbroath Beach, or Greater London on London Bay.
[edit] Law
Law is controlled by cops known as 'Boobies' - topless women prancing around towns and cities with nothing better to do. The common law (so called because it is wilfully obscure and tremendously expensive) is used to decide disputes between rich people who for some reason decide not to call out their retainers for trial by battle. Most of the time in court is spent staring at the 'Boobies' boobies! Usually the richest wins. Common people are not allowed to use the common law. They just sort out differences with fists or knives. They would use guns, but they're harder to get a hold of than in the States. However, there are usually militias or mobs that police the towns or cities, helping to rid the slums of homeless peasants. Due to the excellent law enforcement, Britain is the safest and most just kingdom in all of Christendom.
[edit] Judiciary
"The British judicial system is more successful than any judicial system implemented on any other planet except Earth and Epsilon675. Crime rates have dropped year on year due to the falling population; what with all the murders.........
Job prospects for law graduates are currently excellent due to overwhelming demand. However, before pursuing a legal career you must take the Hypocratic Oath, in which you swear to let as many bad guys go free as possible - thereby ensuring a plentiful supply of repeat customers.
[edit] Weapon Bans
There are numerous other bans in Britain as well, most notably: Rifles, shotguns, large knives, small knives, butter knives, pen knifes, pointy sticks, large rocks, pointy rocks, large pointy rocks, small rocks, pointy small rocks, blunt rocks, rocks, large books, bug spray, string, Immigrants, Kitty-launchers, Arabs, hamsters, Nuclear missiles, pickups with plows, pickups with pointy fronts, 4x4's with bullbars, compacts with pointy fronts, compacts with plows, and overly sharpened pencils (as those would qualify as pointy sticks). Paper is still obtainable but there is a ten day waiting period as one could get a nasty paper cut. Predictably, now only criminals have access to weapons of any sort, although anyone stupid enough not to realise that of course criminalising the ownership of guns makes owners of guns criminals should be shot, or the British equivalent, kicked to death. The reason for this is ban is due to the British man's ability to beat anything that confronts him, therefore rendering all weapons in Britain pointless and a waste of money.
NOTE: People who live in the countryside MAY equip them selves with shotguns, and various Police men may be armed, homemade weapons are perfectly legal, and you may brutally murder someone without fear of a fine or punishment as long as you use this weapon.
[edit] A Concise History of Britain
[edit] The Early Years
Britain was formed in the early 12th century BC by three goats and a folk singer called Gerald. They first colonised the island, then invented the Four Fundamental Sports of the British Isles:-
1) Cricket: A game that takes five days to finish and in which one stops for lunch for every day. The winning team is the one that manages to confuse any watching Americans the most.
2) Rugby: A game with a scoring system so convoluted that it makes the head of the nearest Yank thicky explode in sheer frustration. 30 burly men running at each other on a field and hurling themselves at each other's legs. Not homoerotic at all...
3) Football: A game in which foreigners get touchy about thier hair, throw themselves up in the air after someone so much as breathes on them.
4) Beat-a-Peasant-With-a-Stick: A game played by the upper classes in which a toff hits a worker with a club of some sort and the others take it in terms to laugh at him as his life slowly bleeds away in the gutter.
Then the Romans showed up and everything went a bit shit for the next several centuries until...
[edit] The Rise of the Legendary Kings of London
As every schoolboy knows, Britain languished under Roman rule until the arrival of a combined force of Rupert Murdoch, the Magnificent Seven and 50 Cent freed the Isles from their oppressors. And then things really hit the fan.
For 3,000 years, what would come to be known as the Dark Ages engulfed Britain, until during the Crusades, when Richard the Lionheart took a break from beating up Muslims and the French to save his country, along with King Alfred and John Cleese (an up-and-coming comedian at the time). Then came...
[edit] Britain's Golden Age
An age of light and learning, when advances in technology, political ideals and thought allowed Britain's inhabitants to fulfill their manifest destiny by shooting Frenchmen, Welshmen, Scotsmen, Irishmen, Hindus, Indians (Real ones, not the fake American kind) and anyone else whose land and natural resources they felt like nicking.
The great general Arthur Wellesley, Viscount Wellington of Boot, took British pride to its peak, as he single-handedly beat up and shat on a succession of French Revolutionary forces led by a short fat Corsican with a cock the size of a grape and a cocktail of venereal diseases and mental illnesses. Also not to be forgotten are Winston Churchill, Henry the Fifth and those unsung heroes, the Polish plumbers.
Then it all got a lot worse.
[edit] Downfall, no, not the film about Hitler.
A man once said that the next World War would be between Britain and America. He was wrong. Britain capitulated to American demands, a trait which has continued right up to the point where Tony Blair agreed to go on bottom for every single American politiian ever in a marathon session. Even the dead ones. ESPECIALLY the dead ones.
Britain handed over control of the world to a race of people who could collectively muster about seven functioning brain cells. This move was, somewhat unsurprisingly, unpopular, and the British people radicalised and slowly made Britain more proud of itself, dropping devastating sarcasm bombs on the American leadership and forcing them to listen to dull people in strange clothing talk about the Tower of London on their holidays.
Someday, maybe, Britain will regain its former glory. Until then, the British people will fight the march of America with their strongest means - putting up posters in their front windows and writing acerbic letters to the local council.
[edit] Culture
[edit] Shakespeare
"Shakespeare" was a motion used to kill people while stabbing them with a spear-like object. Or, in fact, a spear. Famous people killed in this way are Macbeth, King Lear, Romeo and Juliet, all of which were turned into plays by William Shakespeare. The cause of the incorrect spelling of the word "spear" is typical as the whole of the English language is neva speld az it sh'd be by Americanz.
[edit] Language
Britain (England specifically), is the country of origin of the English language. Ironically, British people do not speak it. Only a dirty, mutilated version of English is spoken in which several sounds - that are pronounced and enunciated clearly by English speakers everywhere else in the world - are left out of words. Some prefixes and suffixes are distorted so much that British people pronounce them exactly opposite of how it should be pronounced. For instance, in Britain today, China is now pronounced "chine-er", while the word 'Super' is pronounced as "Soop-uuh" in England.
Current theory suggests that this rape of the English language derives from the speech patterns of people who are heavily intoxicated. Indeed, drunks sitting in pools of urine on London pavements all speak with a pronounced Scottish accent. Rather bizarrely they usually ask for the price of a cup of tea even though they are clutching a can of Special Brew in each nicotine-stained hand. So I think we can all agree the dirty foreigners are to blame.
Linguists believe that since people in Britain are so drunk, so often (to help cope with the fact that Americans, people who were once their subjects are now the foundation of British existence) that they have now adapted to speak this way at all times, and this is how it has become their national dialect. Another notable theory is that this speech pattern has existed this way due to the horrid state of dentistry and orthodontia in Britain. Britain's predominant dialect is basically a nation-wide, hereditary speech impediment caused by having a mouth filled with crooked, rotten and/or missing teeth.
[edit] Road Etiquette
If you witness a minor traffic offence - e.g. someone braking at a zebra crossing to let a pedestrian across or someone having a car with an engine displacement less than 2 litres - then it is customary to wind down your window and scream abuse at the miscreant whilst gesturing wildly with your arms.
Should you see a major traffic offence, such as a bus pulling out, someone driving at only 10 mph above the speed limit, someone cycling or someone trying to cross the road with children, then you are within your rights to drive straight at the offender(s).
If you hit them you can claim compensation for damage to your vehicle, plus a hindrance allowance due to the fact that your journey might have been delayed by a few seconds. If you miss them you are entitled to chase them on foot and slash at them with the large kitchen knife that you are legally permitted to carry with you for this very purpose (or to fend off immigrants). If you blunt or otherwise damage your knife then you can claim compensation from the offender or his/her estate.
Should you live in an area with a low immigrant population (Shetland, St. Kilda or Dogger Bank only) you are permitted to use a baseball bat instead of a knife. India has the best drivers in the world. they can thrash Brigtish drivers any day (ex: Narain Karthikeyan). the Above paragraph shows how bad Brit drivers are compared to Indians. We can drive through any traffic jam, any street and through any chaos.
[edit] The School Run
A culturally important tradition is the School Run.
Contrary to what you might think, the School Run does not involve any running (except for those who refuse to follow tradition - see later).
It is generally accepted that schoolchildren are incapable of walking or cycling more than 500 yards. Should they attempt to do so then it is widely believed that not only will they be abducted/raped/murdered, but they could also be in danger of getting fitter and slimmer - in clear contravention of the 1997 "Promoting Obesity and Laziness Act" sponsored by several well-known fast food emporiums and endorsed by John Prescott.
Therefore, children living further than 500 yards from their school are obliged to travel there by car. Rules for what types of car are permitted vary across the country, subject to the proviso that only 4x4 vehicles are allowed. In London the engine size must be at least 3 litres and bull bars are mandatory. In Manchester 2.5 litres is permitted but the engine power must be rated at 220 bhp or higher and the brakes must be defective.
When dropping their children off at school, parents cannot park more that 6 inches from the school gates. Should there be no space in which to park, parents must stop their vehicle in the middle of the road and wait there until one becomes available. If the school is on a bus route then parents must wait for another vehicle to arrive and then both vehicles must be arranged side by side so that nothing can pass. The children usually walk to school.
Whilst travelling on the School Run, it is important not to give way to children who are cycling or walking. If a child attempts to cross the road in order to get to the school gates, a School Run parent must propel their vehicle in the direction of said child. Any child killed as a result of this procedure is deemed an unperson and their name is stricken from the school's records. It is worth noting that if the child tries to run away to avoid being hit, it is customary to chase the child across all types of terrain if necessary (hence the need for 4x4 vehicles).
[edit] Fashion
Usually fashion trends in Britain consist of imitating what Americans wore 5 years prior (which was worn by the French 5 years prior, and which was worn by the Italians 5 years prior to that). However, Britain has recently reinvented the "Tramp Chic" style; basically looking like a complete dosser and even acting like one: not washing or participating in anything to do with British society. They are also the worst offenders in the case of buying and wearing 'Crocs'. These are the lovechild of sandals and bubble gum. However, there is a law being made by the Queen that states "Anyone of Our pathetic subjects seen sporting a pair of those most abominable footwear garments in Our Glorious Realm shall be burnt at the stake for treason." Many people believe this to be a right and just punishment for said heinous crime. Obviously, terrorists are given a light smack on the wrist and sent to bed without any supper.
[edit] "Britain!" the Musical
This popular Lloyd Webber production was first run in the summer of '66 to rapturous reception. It tells the story of how a young musical theatre writer, Andrew Webber-Lloyd, scrapes together a living writing sub-standard trite rubbish, but after spending a year on the street living with cats, he has a breakthrough that allows him to invent the Flux Capacitor and save his future self from Libyan Clinjas before emigrating to the States to escape the unrequited love of Princess Diana. The play is set over a time period spanning around three decades, and covers such events as the English Civil War, the cloning of King Henry VIII and the Dance Dance Revolution.
Here are the lyrics to one of the show-stopping songs, "O to be in Britain!". It received a standing ovation when performed by a young Brian Blessed in the role of Webber-Lloyd on the opening night in the Globe Theatre, July 1966.
- O, to be in Britain,
- Your muddy lanes and fruitless paths
- O, to be in Britain,
- Three quid a pint, you're 'avin a larf!
- O, to be in Londonon,
- Your fair, clean streets doth shine with gold!
- O, to be in Birmingham,
- Where rooftops sing of days of old!
- Britain! Briiiiiiiiiiiitain! Briiii-iiii-iiiitain!
- La, la-la la la la, la la-la la.
- Britain! Briiiiiiiiiiiitain! Briiii-iiii-iiiitain!
- La, la-la la la la, la la-la la.
- O, to be an Englishman,
- Where life is short and times are dire,
- O, to be an Englishman,
- I cast my passport to the fire
- O, I move to Neverland,
- Where life is childish and times are nice,
- O, to be in Neverland,
- With Captain Hook and Peter Pan
- O, A life in Neverland,
- This fucking country's full of fucking twats and grownups
Whilst the music is totally original, like all Lloyd Webber songs, one can exactly approximate it by thinking of the tune "The Final Countdown" by the European Union, transposed up a perfect fifth. Like an English Musical.
[edit] Sports
Many believe that football is Britain's native sport, this is incorrect. The British invented and enjoy much more violent sports. Most notable is the hunting of the fox in which they allow their dogs to torment and mutilate a fox for several hours before they finally shoot it. In fact, this British sport is so disgusting that they even kill their own dogs when they fail to properly ravage the fox.
This sport and others hearken back to the dark ages in which the national pastime of Britain was public lynchings, they love blood and gore in all their sports. Yet, at the same time in the eyes of British people, Americans that hunt deer for food and kill them with a single shot to the heart are considered barbaric.
Another highly popular sport which has risen up over the past few years is that of chav-baiting. Two chavs are thrown into a burberry free pit and must fight to the death over an Elizabeth Duke sovereign ring from Argos. Officially this sport is now illegal but no-one actually kicks up any fuss over it as it provides such a public service.
[edit] Economy
[edit] Car manufacture
Britain Motors Ltd. was founded in 1833, several years before the invention of the car, to produce rubber cladding for train wheels that made handy swings for children once they'd worn out. This was an example of a faux-secondary industry, where the product itself was not used for its intended purposes: further examples are cucumbers, baseball bats, cheese and Oscar Wilde.
When the internal combustion engine really took off in 1944 as a remote-controllable tactical anvil, BM Ltd. began production of its most popular vehicles, the BM Ulysses, the BM Bushwhacker, the BM Toronto and, famously, the tricycle. Sadly none of these vehicles, bar the tricycle, are still in use, as they all had minor engineering faults (square wheels, no brakes, square steering wheels, made entirely of rust) that led to short working lives and all were melted down for scrap. Secretly sanctioned by the British Government was The Battle Bus, a favourite of Japanese and French tourists.
BM Ltd. went bust in 1960 after its owner, Adolf Hitler, said on live television that all their cars were crap and fitted with a Nazi bomb which he planned to detonate the next time anyone pushed in front in the McDonald's queue.
[edit] Importance of immigrant workers
Britain is of such a diverse nature that it has been widely and forcefully accepted that without ugly, psychopathic, or otherwise illegal immigrant workers flooding in through the border every minute of every day, there would be nothing but unemployment throughout the isle. If this is because the government believe the natives are lazy bastards who'd rather live on benefit than lift a finger, or because the top brass is getting paid several billion in backhanders by the European Union, no one knows (actually we do but if we say anything they'd do us for acts of terrorism). A recent study suggested that it was impossible to have a study on what percentage of immigrants are taking the native's jobs, because although 113% of immigrants were claiming benefits, nearly all of them work without permits or papers on building sites making them impossible to track (but at least that brand new housing estate they're building on your local green belt field will be ready in time for tea). More shock-horror came from the fact 99% of all immigrants can't speak Engrish, but are more than capable of demanding large sums of money from old ladies in the street whilst wielding guns that are supposed to be banned. These alarming statistics did not reach the public domain, however, because it was shown in a documentary on Channel Five, of which no one ever watches unless they're showing lesbian porn.
[edit] Jobs for everyone
Another admirable aspect of British industry is the fact it has enough jobs to go around for everyone, and how culturally active it is in providing people of ethnic backgrounds these jobs instead of giving them to people who are actually qualified for them. Rest assure that despite the fact they may not actually be qualified for the job or they can speak not a single word of English, at least they're getting the job and won't sue the company for racial discrimination which would only hurt our economy more!
The largest employer is the Civil Service, without which the streets would be full of unemployable chinless wonders all asking: "is it lunchtime yet?"
[edit] Governance
[edit] 1607-1707: The Communist Years
The Communist threat had swept through the Civilised World (EUROPE) after coming from America after Gordon "Cool" Thatcher Brown MaCheese accidently ate a Cheesebuger infected with the Communist Disease. After a rigged vote involving the help of Robert Mugabe's Great, Great, Great GrandchickenFather. The new leader of the Britain Kingdom Great was called Joseph Hitler Adolf Jew Stalin Mugabe, without this man Joseph Hitler Adolf Jew Stalin Mugabe, Britain Kingdom Great would have fallen into the sea with the FIRST EVER OBESEITY EPIDEMIC however Joseph Hitler Adolf Jew Stalin Mugabe thankfully shipped all the Fat People to America and on the way there 34 Ship loads of FAT PEOPLE fancied a snack so they stopped at their nearest Burger King which was Also Known As, Atlantis which mysteriously fell into the sea and only now conclusive evidence came to light when a group of Fat Exterminaters found well preserved Fat in the Mid Atlantic, where Atlantis once stood.
[edit] 1707-1912: The Golden Years
Ever since the Act of Poonion with the Scotland the Haggis eating cunts finally came along to the English after 458 Years of War using sticks and Nakedness. These are the years where Britain really made their name, no really they DID. It was were some clever clog said " OH I think we should go to Africa and take some people and trade them for a plate then rape them and make them work hitting sugar around 16 hours a day! " If this clever clog AKA Bony "Blair" Bear who invented the chair, didnt say this then Britain would be part of Sweden. It is said that Britain earned over £650 Trillion, today its now worth £17.67 which can now provide a Polish Immigrant Family living above of a Curry House for 2 and a half weeks!
[edit] 1939-1979: The Golden Years Part II and The Churchill Years and Beyond!
During the Golden Years Part II of British History this is also known as WORLD WAR TWO (WWII) and incase you a dumb fuck American, Jew, German, Polish, French or Irish Jew this IS THE WAR that WE WON not the Americans, WE WERE the ones who saved you garlic smelling, snail eating French Cheeses from Adolf Hitler the Jew Lover. The war against Germany was technically ended in 1989 when the Berlin wall fell as before it was West and East German, THANK YOU COMMIES!
[edit] 1949-1979: The Phantom Menace: Attlee, Eden, Macmi...oh, why bother
It is well documented that the Head of State, Canadian Princess Elizabeth II of 1946, fought for power over the elite Welsh in the bloody war of 1953. No animals were harmed in the making of this country, although several small voles were maimed (these are technically vegetables).
[edit] 1979-1990: Revenge of the Bitch: Margaret Thatcher
Thatchers' Britain, also known as Thatcherism was a period of British history between 1979 to 1992 when the main Thatcher union (the Confederated Union of National Thatchers) seized power in a bloodless coup, known as an "election", causing a run on National Hay stocks. The Thatcher regime sought to recreate Great Britain as a Neo-Nazi hardcore right-wing moronic Fascist state, and criticised the Russians for their interference.
The policy of the Thatcher government was to abolish standard roofing on buildings, and to replace it with natural thatch. What constituted natural thatch was the only business that occupied Parliament, allowing the Argentine Beef Union to take over the Falklands in 1982. Luckily, the invasion was repelled by sheep, securing Thatcherism another two "election" victories.
The Thatcher government was led by a woman (coincidentally called Thatcher. What were the odds on that, eh?) who was fashioned entirely out of iron. Some people say this is why she was given the nickname of 'Iron Lady'. And why she didn't like immigrants in the same way Hitler didn't like Jews, apart from the gassing.
Preferring to remain lazy, incompetent and proud of it, thank you very much, the British detested this sexy minx of a woman making them adopt the quaint Japanese concept of "work" and resented the reforms of the minx-in-chief. As well as introducing the public to this unique Asian activity she also set about euthanising Britain's coal mining industry. for several years men in denim fought the police in practically every northern town, The mine workers leader Arthur Scarygill fought back destroying the Thatcher Government's first Death Star only to perish at the battle of easington colliery (see Return of the jedi). With the miners decimated the Tory government patted each other on the back and congratulated each other on a job well done. The miners later found work as dancers in Britain's growing Ballet industry. (see Billy Elliot)
The British people valiantly fought back by the subtle technique of voting to return her to power in three consecutive elections in the hope that she would get bored. Oddly enough, this worked, and made her cry so much that she drowned, killing several hamsters that were standing guard outside her home, Buckingham Palace.
[edit] 1990-1997: A New Hope: John Major
The above period ended when the Grey Man overthrew the Head Thatcher in a very bloodless coup, known as a "muppetfest". John Major was the very best that the British system of government could produce, which gave the country the international reputation for wise governance that it still enjoys today. Major's triumphs included the graceful exit from the Euro and standing on a wooden box whilst talking to people in a not inconsiderably audible voice. This weakened the Union's power and allowed the Union of Labourers and Brickies to seize power in 1997, with so, so much squirting of blood it was still dripping out of the corpses until 2001. Also he was shagging that Edwina Whatsherface and he was born in the circus.
[edit] 1997-2007: The Empire Strikes Back: Queen Elizabeth II & Tony Blair
During this period, England and Britain was ruled by the eurocommunist Queen Elizabeth II andTony Blair. Under his leadership, successful businesses like Railtrack were ruthlessly nationalised for the simple British "crime" of letting a train crash occasionally. Car drivers were thoroughly hated and Blair's so-called police used the sinister statist device called "the law" to prosecute them for the innocent act of breaking the speed limit. It also became impossible to discipline a child even by shouting, beating or other traditional child-rearing methods that never did me any harm, OK? Punishment consisted of deportation to continental Europe to be placed in a gulag but, due to Europe being full, Britain was unable to deport foreign criminals and preferred to release them early and let them run riot around the country, whilst inviting their mates over to do the jobs that all the fat British chavs were too lazy to do.
All opposition parties were banned because New Labour deemed them "unnewlabour". Anyone who attempted to speak out against the madness in underground newspapers like The Daily Telegraph were placed under house arrest or assassinated by Blair's paramilitary political-police, the "PC Brigade" or "Health and Safety Executive", which just banned everything until people got used to it and stopped complaining.
Another noted idea of Blair's was to devolve power to the Scots and Welsh, which was both stupid and dangerous, because everyone knows that if you do that, the Scots will try to deep-fat-fry it, and the Welsh will try to insert it up a certain area of their unresponsive sheep to get them aroused.
The British people valiantly fought back by the subtle technique of voting to return him to power in three consecutive elections in the hope that he would get bored. Oddly enough, this worked. However, he did not cry like Thatcher, he simply went off to get a job as Palpatine's rent boy.
[edit] 2007-2030: Attack of the Brown
After Blair suddenly went insane and died three days after being bored of being PM, he left his illegitimate son to be PM in his will.
Mr. Gordon "He puts the Scot in Scotland" Brown is a man broad of girth but narrow of vision. Whenever it is demanded he actually do something in Parliament by David Cameron, He simply remarks "It's only my fifth day!" even though it isn't. He might well keep using this excuse well-into 2008.
However, underneath his uncaring outer shell, there is a ruthless evil beast who is seeking wipe Iraq off the face of the Earth. He is planning to destroy it by using an utterly evil thing known only as democracy. Little is actually understood about this method and some commentators have described the Iraqi model as "Democracy with Middle Eastern characteristics".
Brown is the new Ross Collins. By TE 10T
[edit] Cuisine
[edit] Food
When it comes to British food and British cooking, there are three things to say: Oh God, Dear God, and RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES!!! British food was actually only invented as some kind of twisted trick to play on foreigners, in much the same way that a child would trick it's friends into eating turds by claiming that they are sausage rolls.
[edit] Tea
True to Popular Belief, British people love tea. This is caused by a mutation that occurs when people come to Britain and are subjected to a powerful aroma of manure and farmland. It results in an additional organ located beside the kidney, called a teaefolite, which demands the consumption of tea. If tea is not consumed regularly, the subject will adopt a homeless person's visage and endure the existence of a traffic warden.
Tea is considered a cure all for many social and medical problems. It has been noted for curing homelessness, cancer, grief and being an asshole. oh and is the emergency drink in case of werewolf/zombie/vampire/alien attacks.
Tea comes in different varieties in Britain. Earl Grey, Twinings, Cheery, Apple, Tesco Value and Happy Shopper versions are available. Tea can be drunk with sugar too. It has been stated that Stephen Fry is the sole inventor of tea, but this cannot be the case unless Stephen Fry himself is over 800 years old, and lives in both the United Kingdom and China simultaneously (which would explain his dress sense). As British people grow older, their tea taste changes, and many more people prefer the new-fangled Lemon-Tea (a posh way of saying 'Hot water with a slice of lemon').
[edit] Beer
Drinks such as lager and snakebite are popular, although ale is more traditional and nearly tastes less like urine. English beer is absolutely 100% the best beer in the world if you like the taste of vomit. Alcoholic beverages from any other place in the world pale into insignificance when compared to English ale in this regard, no argument. British will rag on American beer as an extension of their all-consuming inferiority complex. They do this by only emphasizing American mass-produced beer, and entirely ignoring that American beers in competitions have won more awards. Ironically, the only award that a British brewer received was for American-style lager.
[edit] Cider
Cider is a prominent drink in Britain, because its cheaper than beer and also because it has a stronger alcoholic affect over a shorter period of time. As such all the piss heads, chavs who can't afford anything better and meths drinking tramps enjoy cider. Most ciders are weak, generally only resulting in mild paralysis if consumed in small quantities. Strongbow is one such weak variant, but it is unique in as much as it carries a health warning informing the drinker that when combined with a cheese & onion pasty it may cause projectile vomiting due to the inherent chemical process used to create it (and the fact cheese & onion pastys will do a number on anyone's stomach). Strongbow is also a known to cause people to breath out for prolonged periods of time, causing eventual shortage of breath and inevitably death. Interestingly, Cider is the only beverage on the market that smells the same before its been consumed as it does after it has been regurgitated again. The strongest and most original form of cider available in England was called Scrumpy. No one knows what it tastes like however, because all those unfortunate souls who drank it before the nation wide ban had a fatal head explosion three seconds later.
[edit] Plumbing
British plumbing is often remarked upon by the unsuspecting tourist, loudly, excitedly and at great length. Historically tightly controlled by a secretive band of sadomasochists who derive much sexual pleasure from being simultaneously scalded and frozen, and more pleasure still from inflicting said combination of temperature extremes upon other people, they act single-mindedly to preserve the true agony-inducing design of the separate British hot and cold taps that has been handed down throughout the ages. Innovation has not entirely passed the island by, of course; some particularly deviant members of the plumbing cartel have formed a splinter group specialising in fitting single square kitchen taps which take separate hot and cold pipes all the way to the tip, thus reducing the separation between scalding and freezing streams to mere millimetres. Cunningly designed to look just like continental mixer taps, they catch even the wary user. Further information may be found on AAAAAAAAA!
[edit] Armed Forces
The British are the most war-like and violent species of humans. So they tend to do the craziest of things, including things like leaving a GAZILLIOMILLIOTRILLION troops to play gay strip poker while leaving queen victoria to fight the zombie manace (Spain), and mainly your mom.
History aside, the British forces today are never seen without the likes of Madonna leading the troops into battle. She still refuses to go back to her origins, the USA. Good you guys can have her
[edit] Royal Navy
The Royal Navy is the oldest of Britain's armed forces and is known as the "Senior Service". It is the eldest child and so acts responsibly and carefully, and saves all its pennies. In peacetime, the Navy is primarily employed on lakes and council duckponds and can be rented out to small children for a five-minute trip round the lighthouse. Their ships consist of the HMS Useless, two dinghys, the HMS Ant and HMS Dec and a rowing boat powered by Ellen McArthur. The mention of these ships has been enough to paralyse most other navies in fear, though the Iranian navy ship the INS Infidel developed a rare immunity to this effect.
[edit] Royal Air Farce
The Royal Air Force is the newest of Britain's armed forces and is known as the "Royal Air Force". It is the youngest child and is spoiled rotten, buying all the new toys from America and going "Wheee! Look at me!" in their fancy contraptions. It is staffed by highly trained planespotters and flies aircraft that are the meager best that Europe can build, and hence must be kept in a constant bubble-wrapped state for 365 days of the year (meaning Britain will only declare war on February 29th). The Royal Air Farce is only available for twenty minutes a day, two days a week (not weekends) and only every other week, calling outside of those hours will send you to a call centre in India... calls cost 2,000 Rupees a second.
Some shitty flying metal bird thingy was also developed by Britain and some other crappy unheard of countries in Europe like Spain and France but no one cares about them, (called the Eurofighter). Called the Eurofighter because it was actual developed for when Britain gets up off its lazy, immigrant infested, arse and brings down the rest of Europe to eternally beg at its toes. It's so fucking awesome it was designed to not be able to fly, that's just how good it is.
[edit] Royal Bear Force
The Royal Bear Force is the unknown division of the United Kingdom's military, Tom Baker said it's "The best friggin' force in the whole world. yerrr!" because they paid him to. They paid the Queen to say it but she wouldn't say "friggin'". It recruits only bears or people who look like bears eg. Brian Blessed. The Royal Bear Force consists of flying Bears with lasers and baseball bats the latest war involving The Royal Bear Force was against the Shite Iranian Elite Forces in Jew Town. By TE 10T
[edit] British Army
The British Army has always been quite miffed that its official title doesn't include the word "Royal". Widespread and generally well motivated, recruits in the Army have been known to be so committed to their underpaid job, they actually committed suicide by shooting themselves in the head, twice. The Army is the middle child of Britain's armed forces. As such it can be sullen and a little bit stroppy, but speak to them nicely and they'll come out of their shells, mark my words. By far the most withdrawn is the Parachute Regiment, whose almost pathological shyness is known throughout the world.
[edit] Royal Salvation Army
The often ignored, weedy younger sister of the Army, the British Salvation Army has long stood by the idea that wars can be won without the need for all the fighting, or as they call it All that nasty rough and tumble. Many a member of the salvation army has gone up to an enemy trooper during wartime, in the hope that they will convince him to stop fighting. However, as many enemy soldiers are foreign (except for Scotland, Wales & Northern Ireland), most people don't understand what the members are trying to say, and kill them on the spot. This has led to a decrease in members for the Salvation Army, as most people want to be able to fight back against the person trying to kill you.
[edit] Royal Slavation Army
The well known charity that supplies less well-off families with the slave labour that got it where it is today. It is known to take in orphans who are sold on at a very reasonable price. It has made a great effort to help in the war in Afghanistan and Iraq by supplying the Army with much cannon fodder including the bullet magnet, Prince Harry.
[edit] Royal Other
A recent addition is Her Majesty's Volunteer Regiment of Tube, Bus and Plane Redecorators. It is the overlooked child that shoehorns its way into the script, a bit like when Shannon Doherty left "Charmed" and the ugly one had to join, you know, her who slept with Marilyn Manson and looked like a bulldog chewing a wasp. This volunteer force has sprung up to increase Britain's involvement in the War on Terror and consists of several peaceable and devout Islamic people living in Bolton and Crawley. It stands ready to explosively redecorate many forms of public transportation in subtle shades of red when asked. Or even unasked.
[edit] Doctor Who
When all other branches of the Britainishese armed forces fail, the Queen will often call upon the powers of international super-spy Doctor Who. However, for a brief period between 1989 and 2005, Doctor Who was unavailable as it was discovered that he is not, in fact, a doctor. He was just pretending so he could do horrible things to women. Like that other guy. You know the one I mean! In recent years, he was called upon to protect the country from Tom Baker, who was leading the invasion of Great Britain by Little Britain, which was thwarted when Doctor Who revealed that Little Britain is like totally gay. Like full on gay. Seriously.
[edit] Conurbations
[edit] Major cities
- Sheffield
- Madchester
- Beckingham
- Abingdon
- Blackpool
- Bristol
- Stoke-on-Trent
- Dorset
- Southampton
- Rochdale
- Leicester
- Londrone
- Hobbiton
- Birmingham
- Indianapolis
- Norwich
- Nottingham
- Liverpool
- London
- Oxbridge
- Harlow
- Edinburgh
- Dublin
[edit] See Also
- Soviet Britain
- North Sea Archipelago
- The British Navy
- Royal Navy
- Great Britain
- British Empire
- Booze
- England
- Johnny Foreigner's Guide to British Humour
- Parliamentary Reform in Britain
- Federation of Nations that hate Britain
- British Line of Succession
- National Dyslexics Association
- BNP
- The Color Problem
[edit] The Commonwealth Countries
(in order of importance)
- United Kingdom
- Great Britain
- Britain
- England
- New Zealand
- Australia
- Canada
- Serf Afrikaa
- India
- Jamaica
- Cyprus
- Bangladesh
- Kenya
- Dodoland
- Pakistan
- Singapore
- Sri Lanka
- Seychelles
- Stockport
- Swaziland
- America
[edit] External links
| Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Oz ~ Canada ~ Canadia ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Barsturds ~ Even More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Morley ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |
Barmy British Stuff