British
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British \Brɪ'ti:ʃ\, a. Variant of brutish.
[edit] For all those Australians who live in Britain, welcome back! You have paid for your crimes. Forgive and forget eh?
British people are better than Americans and tend to be much larger than most Europeans but significantly underweight when compared with the Americans. The British are the leading county with the most prominent language which has been stolen by America and raped every time a stupid inferior yank opens its mouth, and aptly named "American English". Unlike the Americans, the British start wars over raw materials such as "tea". The only fat people in Britain are John Prescott and people in Aberdeen.
The British Empire will rule again once absorbed by the American Empire, and once we control the American's control them, nothing will stand in their way. The word "independance" will no longer exist in the dictionary (even though this is already the case, with it being spelled "indpendence").
[edit] Diet
The British tend to eat more healthy than of the Americans. However, the obesity of the UK is increasing at an acute percentage faster than the % of those fat bastard Americans. If such common fast food restaurants, such as KFC and McDonalds, hadn't been created by those disgusting people, the British people wouldn't even have a percentage increase in obesity. The typical diet of the British is balanced, receiving all vital nutrients and minerals to keep us healthy. The British do occasionally drink beers and largers, sometimes vigorously but mainly sensibly due to the large tax placed on each cold and delicious Pint.
The British also invented "warm beer", a concoction made from a concentration of various strange plants and the colour brown. There is no tax on this, as no-one is mad enough to drink the stuff. Really, it's horrible.
[edit] Social Structure
The British have a social structure in which a number of all female 'workers' maintain their country under the rule of the Queen. The appearance of two sexes has been created for the purpose of entertaining each other and to maintain the fashion industry, and to draw attention away from their violent disposition.
Female workers are broken into three separate types; "workers", "care-takers", and "warriors" (see amazons). Though differing somewhat throughout the species, the hive structure remains relatively the same throughout the world.
Teenage sociology in Britain is complex and ruled by Prince Harry the Druggy.
[edit] Population Distribution
The British no longer inhabit Britain, as they all emigrated to such cultural bastions as Los Angeles, Melbourne and Spanish cities. These cities have vibrant British communities, each with their own "Londontown" district in which traditional cuisine is served, football hooliganism is practised, the weather is complained about and ale is quaffed. Britain was taken over in the 80s by a new people called chavs coming from a former colony, Manchestershire.
The Spanish community of British people flourishes. In Spain the British appear as bright red sun-burnt, fat bellied, tourists with stripy red and blue shirts and shorts and an idiot hat placed upon their head. They can also be easily identified by their familiar cry of "Whatchoo mean there's no fucking chips?". Ironically more British are in Spain than in Britain itself, the Spanish government has thus forced all British to move south into Gibraltar, Ibiza and Maldives. Ironically the British complain about immigrants to their country on a regular basis.
[edit] Mathematics
All forms of English measurement have no bearing on one another. One could specify a peck in a pint in a bushel on a cornhenbollocksshirewall yard. This elaborate system was largely used around the country to trick simpletons into paying too much for too little, at a time when most of the population was innumerate in the first place. The English system of measurement was given to the United States in hopes that it would defeat them by their own inability to count, but the Americans had since mastered the complexity and rules of English measurement, and use it to to this day. Though many homosexuals in Britain currently use the metric system, they often long for the units of measurement that were once passed on to other British colonies, still used by manly men (and women) with hairy chests. Note that all but one of those colonies have failed miserably, Australia is still going strong to this day, despite suffering the cancer of the limp-wristed high rise terminal, where every atatement is question (sorry, "where every statement is a question?") whose origins is in the televisual work of unmatched comedy-writing genius and originality "Friends".
[edit] Language
The British language is spoken in Britain and British Columbia. It's the truest form of English as God intended the language to be, unlike American "English" which is just a poor bastardisation used by those who are illiterate and those who suffer from chronic bouts of stupidity, which sums up the US quite well.*Note* Britain was being ass raped during World War II before America joined the war but for the sake of argument pretend it didn't happen. British characters in films are usually played by Americans trying to imitate the superior British accents but who fail miserably, like Germany in two world wars and one world cup - all of which were well on the way to being won by the British before the arrival of Britain's unruly lovechild, the United States. The British people are also widely known for brutally attacking Americans and giving false directions to loud-mouth tosspot American tourists and sending them down the nearest council estate, where a 100% chance of being stabbed awaits them. What the British fail to realise is that as most American men are still in possession of their testicles, yet they lack brain power, and their just angry all their women like british guys. (unlike their pussy British counterparts), and thusly are not too bothered about a bunch of little white kids with 2-inch plastic knives as people carry GUNS in America (yes "lucky" you, you get to kill each other faster) and are relatively used to that. It should be noted that The Southmead Council Estate in Bristol has dispatched so many American tourists that the whole area has been internationally condemned for war crimes. This move is widely seen as political correctness gone mad.
There are many areas of Britain where spoken language has been completely replaced by pointing and grunting. Many people from 'Other Nations' may consider this is a retrograde step. It is however a highly efficient manner of communication and is entirely suitable for the moronic lifestyles adopted by these utter plebs, known around the world as chavs.
[edit] Humor (This is how the fat people spell it)
Cardiff, how strange is that place, full of inbreds and gays. Oh so funny
'The British population is proud of how evolutionally superior they are to the limey Americans. Their sense of humour is most usually expressed in international sporting events where comedians traditionally take the place of prostitues. Conversely, the famed TV series Monty Python's Flying Circususususus was written and performed by three croquet teams from Spottern Womad, a small village near Penge, and not the bunch of over-advantaged arts graduates copping on to the end of the satire boom as is widely believed.
It is a known fact that the Americans steal British comedy shows juss to try get a laugh from it. For example, the office (USA version); that fucking piece of American crap isn't even funny. The only person who laughs at that shit is my little brother, seems hes got the same size brain as your dumb fuck Americans to actually get your stupid jokes!
The British have also made the bashing of people from the United States a popular pastime. It started after they were beat into oblivion by an-entire-country-turned-colonial-rebel army, even though half of the country was on britains side (and a massive French army,spanish army and dutch army but shush........).It's amazing just how badly such a strong country (which was 4 months travel away opps shush dont tell any one that....) got beat by a bunch of farmers, and now Britain is just a little island which Hawaii could beat. They began to feel insecure about themselves especially having been the world power at the time and they changed their accents to what is now named British English. They also decided to attack the people who hurt their feelings. See United States of America for a good laugh."
By the vile traitor, Ricky Gervais, who has been exiled from Britain for inflicting the U.S. version of "The Office" upon the world.
[edit] American-British Communication
"You may have heard a Brit talking once or twice, and mistook it for a vulture with a lung impalement or a walrus during mating season. You may find yourself at a party when a Brit enters the room - someone naively asks 'where's the pile of crumpets?' and you, embarrassingly, are the last to say 'in the pub! Pip pip cheerio and all that'.
A Brit's presence can be detected within a quarter-mile radius, and things will only get worse if one attempts to communicate with you. However, they are classed as Buck Tooth McBuck Tootherson and are thus deemed irrelevant. An American, on the other hand, has the innate ability to hide his ego presence through a mask of dry sarcasm and self-deprecation and as such can remain hidden up to as little as five feet away. Furthermore, if not sufficiently prepared, communication with a Brit (except by the french, who have an equal lack of intelligence) can lead to liquification and seepage of the brain through the ears and anus. This effect is not to be confused with the same sort of seepage that occurs daily to an "American" where a diet of fat and George Bush's shit seeps from the body of the being.
When approached by an inferior being, known as an American, you will lose in what they call "an intellectual checkmate". Given an Americans idea of intellect however, this is actually winning to you or I. The Brit will utterly thrash the American and 9 out of 10 people pass out at this point, causing more awkwardness and a possible international incident as Britain points out that the Americans would not have won the Second World War if it weren't for them with a little bit of help from Russia. See The WWII Debate with America. The American will then respond that England has no natural resources as, millions of year ago, England was dubbed "Lame Central" by the dinosaurs. Oddly enough, the only dinosaurs known to inhabit the island at the time are "Nerdasauruses", characterized largely by their great, tumor-like buck teeth. You should just smile and nod at this point. It's how most of the world deals with the Americans.
A fantastic example of Americans' attempts at humour- see also Joan Rivers or Shit'
[edit] British-American Communication
Like your vowels mispronounced? Your words spelt like they sound? (how utterly ridiculous!) And your chin(s) to dance whilst speaking? The United States of Arrogance wants you!
Since the Fox Hunting Ban which allowed the honourable gentleman to peacefully fend of Yankee TV through the polite use of guns, horses and angry dogs, American phrases such as "Extra Extra Extra Large" and "being popular means everything" have swept through the island. Worse hit was the Isle of Wight. The island is ripe with large, juicy fatties. Acess to the island has been restricted to aid workers so that the fast spreading disease does not destroy all the tea in Britain. The French can come and go as they please as the slimey food that they eat acts as protection from Americanitis. No worries though; the extra weight of the infected will cause the island to sink from the East. Tally-ho
[edit] Amusing Place-Names in Britain
The British enjoy giving their towns and villages silly names, such as the hilarious Penistone in Yorkshire. Some other examples include:
- Ugley (Essex)
- Nasty (Hertfordshire)
Note: The two villages above are situated very closely to one another. Naturally, British newspapers have a great time printing headlines such as "Ugley woman marries Nasty man." However, they rarely get a chance due to the inbreeding commonly practised in British rural areas - marriages tend to only occur between people who have lived their entire lives in the same village and are closely related.
- Blubberhouses (North Yorks)
- Flash (Derbyshire)
- Cat Brain (Bristol)
- Dog Village (Devon)
- Elephant's Creek (Scotland)
- Crank (Merseyside)
- Indian Queens (Cornwall)
- Pity Me (Durham)
- Wetwang (Bridlington)
- Brown Willy (Cornwall)
- Lord Berkely's Knob (Sutherland)
- Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire)
- Thong (Kent)
- Twatt (Orkney)
- Snobb (Surrey)
- Boysack (Tayside)
- Cockermouth (somewhere down south)
- Acaster Malbis (Yorkshire)
- Willey (Shropshire)
- Aunk (Devon)
- Cockermouth (Cumbria)
- Pratt's Bottom (London)
- Bottom Flash (Merseyside)
- Shitterton (Dorset)
- Chipping Sodbury (Gloucestershire)
- Vomitham (Hampshire)
- Crappingley (London)
- King's Bell End (Staffordshire)
- Cockfosters (Picaddely)
- Picadelly (London)
- Pusey (Oxfordshire)
In fact, this practice is regarded with such amusement by the general public, that the best examples were collected into a book: Rude Britain is now available from all good booksellers.
[edit] America-Britain conflict
One of the main topics in a Brit/American argument is the revolutionary war, where America declared independance, many Americans seem to be of the belief that a tiny group of heroic freedom fighters won the war, this is not true. Many Brits believe that the British forces were greatly outnumbered and undersupplied, true, to a degree, but exaggerated.
Conclusion:- The American revolution was won quite fairly by the Americans, advantage or no advantage, war is war. (Did any of you fight in the American revolution? No? Then you did not kick Britains ass, your ancestors won a war, NOT YOU!) Americans will never admit it but without the help of the French they would not have won the war of independence. And a German had sneaked on the the throne in England to help them out too
General Insults:- There is a large amount of conflict between the two countries, I've spent a great deal of time researching the most common stereotypes involved in insults.
The common internet using Brit is of the opinion that each and every American (Yank) is Obese, stupid, gullible, disloyal, triggerhappy, cowardly, self obsessed and lacking wit.
The common internet using American holds strong the belief that all British are upperclass, live on a strict diet of tea and crumpets, "bitches", male, have an outrageous accent, eccentric (A lot of us are fucking eccentric though, most people i know are) and "holier then thou". You better believe it.
In all my experiences I have never (Face to face) met a Brit or an American that is anything on that list, except perhaps Males Brits and Gullible Americans.
Glad to help
Trans-American-(Only too glad to offer my assistance old bean, toodle pip) Trans-Brit-(No problem man, let's go get burgers and call varied people bitches)
[edit] The WWII Debate with America
While not eating themselves to death, the American fat bastards have collected enough brain cells to argue that the reason Britain is not speaking German is because of them. However, they do seem to forget that the real reason was because Russia was fucking owning Germany with their much superior forces. Average Americans find this very offensive - since Russia have more nukes than America. This is the most offensive realisation to an American - and can be compared with losing the "Who's the fattest bastard" competition that occurs in many American households.
Americans also seem to forget that it is the British that have layed the foundations for such a great Economy. It is a shame that all of this wealth has been wasted on food and an average American's favourite meal - Whale.
[edit] British Honours and Titles
[edit] See Also
Barmy British Stuff 
