British Airways

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Aeroplane used by British Airways. Best airline in the world. Look at how happy their airplanes are!
Aeroplane used by British Airways. Best airline in the world. Look at how happy their airplanes are!

'British Airways is the worst airline in the United Kingdom. They are notable for having the lowest average number of passengers per flight of any major airline, reaching approximately 0.0125 passengers for Trans-Atlantic flights and 0.0075 for domestic flights. This is close to those of US Airways, whose are 0 .02 and 0.01, respectively. They are also notable for flying to places that nobody in their right mind would want to fly to, such as Birmingham.

Contents

[edit] Slogan

"We are sorry."

[edit] Fleet

British Airways have a fleet of several thousand aeroplanes, nearly all of them from the 1940’s. To this day, only three of their planes are still in service, which include a Boeing 747, a Fucker F100, and an Afro RJ100. The Boeing 747 has the international call sign "Royal Air Force One", and it is used to ferry the Queen between her many palaces. This is a vital service, seeing as her preferred mode of transport, the Royal Mail Train, was decommissioned in 2001 after doing 40 in a 30mph zone.

The best way to identify these planes is to look at their ugly tail designs. You know that you've got the Fucker in sight when you can see the oval windows and the tail, which is patterned after the feces of a grue. The 747 is painted in pure gold. No, not gold paint. Pure 24 carat gold. The Afr o RJ100 can be identified because it carries at tail design so ugly, the Devil himself ran away.

Other former planes include:

[edit] Special Announcement

This announcement is used roughly 2.6 times per month on flights from airports in Na h-Eileanan Siar to Glasgow.

   
British Airways
 Welcome onboard Ladies, Gentlemen and sheep in the baggage compartment, to this British Airways flight operated by Loganair. We will head for the runway as soon as Donny McLeod can clear the sheep from the tarmac. We expect to arrive in Glasgow sometime today. We will be flying at an altitude of....**INAUDIBLE MURMER TO CAPTAIN**....approximately 1,500 feet. Our inflight entertainment today will be "I-spy" and "Guess the sheep's milk". I would ask you to keep your seatbelts fastened at all times, but the lamb buggered that up too.....along with **COUGH** the AHEM..cockpit, wheels, etcetera. I'm afraid that due to the age of this modern prop, there is no air conditioning on board - however, if you are feeling a wee bit too hot, we can open a window or perhaps a door to cool the plane down. Thank you......Oh yes, the lifejackets are beneath your seats, if, in the likely event that an emergency does arise simply: **DEEP BREATH** PULITOUTFROMUNDRRYOURSEATTAKEITOUTTHECOVERPUTITOVERYOURHEAD, do not inflate it inside the aircraft - unless you are a suicide bomber.
   
British Airways

[edit] Notable Flight Destinations

Kleinmachnow

[edit] On Board A British Airways Plane

British Airways planes, when they're fully functioning and aren't crumpled in a metallic heap at the feet of an angry grue, are waited upon by legions of air hostesses, dressed head to toe in orange. Some hostesses even paint their faces orange or dye their hair orange in an attempt to work up the internal social air hostess ladder. You can always tell which is the dominant hostess by the brightness of the orange - if you need sunglasses to protect yourself from the glare, you've found your leader. However, sunglasses are unfortunately not made complimentary on British Airways flights because the money is needed for BA to hire the RAF to steal the BP Ultimate fuel from external countries, which are needed to fuel the 747, Fucker and Afro.

On board their planes, British Airways attempt to make their passengers as uncomfortable as possible by reducing the leg room: Squeezing 50 more seats than the legal human rights limit on board an aircraft, while also vacuuming the money out of their back pockets while they're not looking. They serve free drinks (Virgin Coke) and food (Virgin Bagels), hand out hot towels and have been known, in extreme cases, to give full body massages (although this has only happened once, at the exact height of one meter above sea level. The plane was never heard of again).

British Airways have only two in-flight movies: “Manos: The Hands of Fate and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”. At least seventy people have been taken off planes in a coma as a result.

Of course most of the passengers are not lucky enough to be on board a British Airways plane even when it is fully functioning. This is because of British Airways' policy to overbook 500% of the seats available on the plane. For those unfortunate souls, British Airways will pay them a compensation of £17.50, which works out roughly 0.01 Chinese Yuan or $0.75 American Dollars or if you're lucky (i.e. BA announce record profits) : $80,000 Ugandan Dollars - which is approximately £17.52 .

[edit] Tail Fins

Between 1992 and 1999, all British Airways planes had a large cotton handkerchief placed around their tails as they flew. This was famously designed by Margaret Thatcher.

[edit] Other Fascinating British Airways Facts

  • The average British Airways pilot is 8'11" tall.
  • The average British Airways air hostess is 2'6" tall and weighs over four hundred pounds.
  • British Airways begins with the letter "Z".
  • In an attempt to increase profit, British Airways is planning to sponsor a project to build a tourist resort on Shrek's ass, in exchange for being granted sole line to ferry people to said resort.
  • British Airways is actually owned by Norway. You can see that by looking at the tail, which is very similar to the Norwegian flag.
  • All BA aircraft renovated in 2000 which had designs made by children were also secretly designed by children, including the engineering, thus the reason why these planes are now mysteriously out of service.
  • It has been known in some certain cases that one of the two pilots for a 747 aircraft is actually not needed. This extra pilot uses the opportunity to smuggle to different countries whilst enjoying the advantage of relaxing in the airline lounge at all major city airports.
  • British Airways is to open its new subsidiary, British Hairways. The victims customers will be randomly selected from the passenger lists, and then they will be placed near the engine blades for the duration of the flight, where they will be given "a professional short back and sides". The service will include a free biscuit and a carton of orange juice.

[edit] False Rumours

  • British Airways is NOT the new name of the recently disgraced airline "British Scareways".
  • British Airways is NOT an airborne maximum security prison.
  • British Airways does NOT have an internet system which delays all of their flights by 41 minutes.
  • British Airways was NOT bought over by Air Jamaica

[edit] See also

British airways does NOT sell Chinese food

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