British Humour
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 | This page contains sophisticated humor. Politicians may attempt to ban it. If you see them coming, yell something about the Fifth Amendment and run like buggery.
If you're British, did you know that you can get better food in prison by claiming you are kosher? You may wish to pass the lonely hours behind bars by doing something worthwhile for society. |
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“The original author has obviously seen too many episodes of Friends and can not appreciate humour.”
~ Oscar Wilde on British Humour
Although some believe the words "British Humour" to be an oxymoron, most informed people understand that the British are well known for their sophisticated senses of humour. Humour is such an important part of British life that it has even pervaded their very language. Example: The British spell the word "humour" h-u-m-o-u-r. Why the extra "u"? Because it's ironic. Also we did invent the mother fucking language so we can do what the fuck we want with it and still be right.
Comedy is so important in Britain that even the head of state (the Queen) and every member of the government is a joke.
Contents |
[edit] Examples of British Comedy
[edit] Monty Python
One of the most famous examples of British comedy is the famous Monty Python sketch "dead parrot." In this sketch, a man tries to make another man believe that a parrot is dead. Here is a transcript of this sketch:
- MAN: I believe that this parrot is dead.
- SHOPKEEPER: Yep, looks pretty dead to me.
- MAN: That settles that then.
Another hilarious Monty Python sketch is "The Ministry of Silly Walks." In this sketch, people walk around in silly ways. This is funny because people do not normally walk in silly ways, especially British people. The British are well known for having the most serious walks in the Western Hemisphere. The country with the most serious walks in the Eastern Hemisphere is Bangladesh.
[edit] Things Other Than Monty Python
While Monty Python is fucking hilarious it is worth noting that other things are also, in fact when listening to any Briton, one may note that most things they say are funny. This is because they have wit. Note: I cut the original part of this out for not appreciating things that are actually funny that sitcom loving bastard.
- Keith Moon
- Neil Innes
- Mr. Bean
- Red Dwarf
- Fawlty Towers
- Black Adder
- The Young Ones
- Porridge
- Only Fools and Horses
- Not The Nine O'Clock News
- The Mighty Boosh
- The Office (The original and actually funny one.)
- X Factor (Face it, the freaks are funny...)
- Comrade Neil Clark (allegedly not a comedian)
- And a lot more but I can't be bothered to put them all down. But the bottom line is our comedy is actually funny and we don't need a fucking laugh track every time somebody enters a room.
[edit] Jokes Found in British Christmas Crakers
Apparently, British humour is at its lowest when inside Christmas Crackers. Not the kind that are crunchy and good with Christmas Soup, the kind you pull apart and some sort of prize, joke, and crown pops out. The following are actual jokes found inside Christmas Crackers, made in England. Please do not let them melt your brain.
Where do fish wash? In the river basin!
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A wooly jumper!
What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby!
What did her legs say to the lady putting on her tights? That's another fine mesh you've gotten us into!
These jokes are a disgrace to all British comedians everywhere. Please do not purchase any Christmas Crackers made in England, to avenge those poor fellows.
[edit] Comedy Techniques
[edit] The Funny Sentence
One popular British comedy technique: starting off a sentence normally and then ending it with something completely unrelated. For example:
- "You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with... a herring!"
- "We will burden the colonists by levying a tax on... a herring!"
- "How ironic is it that we are aiding the United States in a war in which one of the goals is to bring democracy to Iraq while our country's government is still a monarchy... a herring!"
- "Joey walks into the room... cue laughter. This is hilarious. Comedy at its best. Oh wait... i thought i was writing under American comedy. My bad.... a herring, is funnier!"
[edit] The Funny Word
Another fine British comedy technique: gibberish. Comical "words" that Brits find hilarious. For example:
- Bloody
- Fuck (or Fucking)
- Wanker
- Dodgy
- Bollocks
- Buggery
- Yank
The more of these words that can be combined into a single sentence, the funnier the sentence. Unlike the previous sentence, which isn't even remotely funny ... a herring!
This is, as opposed to American humour, which relies on no creativity whatsoever, e.g. Laurel and Hardy: requires no thought, just mindless violence. The only people that find this funny are toddlers, people with brains like toddlers',and sadists with brains like toddlers'. Yes, these types of people do indeed populate 98% of America. The other 2% are people like Tom Cruise, and the living dead, which of course have NO sense of humour at all.
[edit] The Retarded Conversation
Another popular British comedy technique is the retarded conversation. This is when two people will have a conversation in which both of the participants are retarded. Take this example from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:"
- Context: Mr. Prosser is about to wreck down Arthur Dent's house in order to build a bypass.
- DENT: Why has it got to be built?
- PROSSER: Huh?
- DENT: Why has it got to be built?
- PROSSER: Are you a complete fucking* retard? Bypasses help people get to where they're going faster, thus increasing efficiency, thus helping to build our country's economy, thus rasing our country's standard of living, which in the end, benefits everyone, yourself included. Besides, the government is going to fairly compensate you for your house, which, to be fair, was much too big for one man anyway. Perhaps when this business is over you can find yourself a nice flat somewhere and use the opportunity to socialize with others in your block of flats and potentially find yourself a partner to share the rest of your life with, which will undoubtedly leave you far happier and put you in a much better position than you ever would have been if we hadn't knocked down your house.
- DENT: Why has it got to be built?
[edit] Contrast with American heumurrr
Yes note how I spelled humour. Those Shit loving wankers.... I mean Yankers don't have a real sense of humour so they have to pretend to by laughing at poo volcanos and the death of small children.
- Of course, the yank who wrote this has found it absolutely necessary to swear in his article. This of course, makes the experience EVEN FUNNIER for other Americans.
Barmy British Stuff 
