Brora

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Not on the map: a train from Helmsdale zooms through Brora station, leaving a group of old duffers stranded. No doubt it has stopped at Gospie, Dunrobin (for no passengers) and will continue to Thrumpsville

Brora is a village in the north of Scotland, commonly known as being home to the best group of people in Sutherland. It is said that Thor, when commanding his marauding hordes, used the command "Brora" to get them in the mood for pillaging.

Brora has never been found, despite many attempts by famous explorers such as Sir Walter Scott, Sir Ranulph Fiennes, Scooty and The Skyhooks and The Playboys. There was once a BBC programme tracing a train journey up north that appeared to cut off at Dunrobin Castle and resume somewhere south of Helmsdale (known on the OS map as "Thrumpsville"). Unfortunately the writer cannot remember the name of said programme or indeed the year it was shown. Otherwise it would have been quoted.

[edit] Geography

There are many famous landmarks in the village, such as the Tower Clock, Ronnies, Hunters of Brora woollen mill and the fish factory. It is said that all true "Broras" had to complete a minimum 2 year Tour of Duty in at least one of those before they were allowed to leave the village, and that during their time working their they would be paid approximately £100 per week for a twelve hour a day shift. There were certain "legends" in the village who were able to avoid such menial labour, and most of these were apparently members of the "Golf Club" and were granted an exclusive pass to drink in the "Marine Hotel". The commoners were forced to take their entertainment in more working class establishments such as "The Bayview" (which, according to fokelore, was bought by rich folk from down south and turned into a house) or The Links, which was later demolished by parties who may have well been in league with Satan himself.

[edit] Industry

The village is the industrial heartland of the Highlands and has been nicknamed the Electric City due to the fact that it is the only village in Sutherland to have electricicity... or whatever that stuff's called. Or perhaps the fact that one well known local electrician wired his coal bunker to 20,000 volts to deter a local "coal thief." Others believe it may be to do with the electrifying skills that the local football team Brora Rangers have been blessed with. Despite only being a Highland League side, Brora Rangers can command crowds of up to 12 for home matches. Brora at one point was the most northerly coal mine in the UK until the Margaret Thatcher years, although it also had small salt and cocaine mines where such materials were commercially produced. Whisky is also produced near the town at the Clynelish distillery (pronounced klein-lish you Southern Twats) which produced a whisky light in style, but in fact medium peated malt. This differs from the nearby Brora distillery which famously uses cow dung at some point during the fermentation process, producing a unique and characteristic taste which is popular with the wealthy connaisseur. Brora is also famous throughout the Highlands for Mackies ice cream, some of the finest dairy ice cream in Scotland.

[edit] Rumors

Several rumours exist about Brora, none of which can be substantiated:

• Brora is said to be part of Sutherland whilst Helmsdale (the nearest village to the North) is firmly committed to joining Caithness.
• Whilst alternative / indie music has always been popular in Brora, rumours of parties in Golspie where the playlists consist of Wet Wet Wet and Bryan Adams are commonplace. This has often been described as a "gathering of wongs"
• In the old days, gangs of children beat each other with sticks in "The Back Field," which has now shamefully been converted into houses.
• The "Radio Station" used to be a hub of post war intelligence gathering. It's now a derelict building overlooking the "Back Shore" and the nearest "Radio Station" is now Moray Firth Radio. Which is shite.
• There was absolutely nothing, nada, zilch etc, dodgy AT ALL about the new Hunters Woollen Mill buildings (see "absolute fucking eyesores") built on the south side of the village then subsequently never used. This was obviously a genuine error, and one would obviously be very, very wrong to assume there was any fraudulent activity.