Buddha

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Also known as "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus", Buddha 'Portly' Turner is one of the four-legged heathen "gods" for the unwashed masses who were too profane to be given the Old and New Testament. He was originally a sumo wrestler.

The term Buddha generally refers to Siddhartha Gautama, sumo wrestler and the founder of the printing press. Siddhartha Gautama had to change his name to Buddha for a bunch of elitist communists who bleached their skin, also known as 'white people'.

Boo-DUH! Boo-DUH! Boo-DUH!

The Buddha's life is generally dated from 623 Before Christ to 543 Before Christ. It is widely accepted that Buddha is the same Jesus Christ, after toying around with booze and cocaine, plus learning the folly of liberation from ignorance and suffering, subsequently embraced the imaginary creature called 'god' of Abraham.

It is also generally accepted that Buddha is immortal as evidenced by the 1989 Bangles songs, "Eternal Buddha".

Buddha is also the reason that the sky is blue.

Furthermore, Buddha has the Allspark, which just makes Optimus Prime angry because Buddha never uses it.

The buddha discovered enlightenment when he sat under a tree and was hit on the head with an apple.

Contents 1 The Buddha is Not a God (BING Theory) 2 Eddie Chau is The Buddha Often Needs Grass (BONG Theory) 3 Buddha, The Sumo 4 Buddha, The Eternal 5 Buddha, Golden 6 Fat vs. Skinny 7 Buddha, Plain 8 Buddha, Anti 9 Schools of Buddhism 10 37 Marks of the Buddha 11 Buddha's titles 12 The Buddha Teaching 13 Current Whereabouts 14 See also 15 External links

The Buddha is Not a God (BING Theory)

It is generally accepted to speak separately of the real life Buddha and the Buddha as an eternal being. Buddha is too fat to care about you.

But, remember, in no way should this be misconstrued as the Buddha being a god in the traditional sense. After all, if the Buddha were a god, he'd probably hate you for masturbating, or else appear as a bull and deflower some unfortunate young Greek peasant woman.

So, since the Buddha doesn't care about masturbation, and he doesn't engage in animal hedonism we can pretty fairly assess that he's just an immortal dude, but not like one of those spikey-haired retards from those god-awful anime cartoons because they suck butt, so many of you daffy subhuman pig men drool over them anyways and try to justify as meaningful are alongside better material, such as Murder She Wrote or The Office or Schindler's List. Look at the big thing of fat on the side.

Eddie Chau is The Buddha Often Needs Grass (BONG Theory)

Buddha often preached on the paths to Enlightenment and the attainment of higher planes of existence. To do so, of course, requires massive amounts of dank and a BONG (acronym for Bud Only No Gas), seriously, dude. I heard it from Larry down at the gas station. Man, that stuff is killer.

Where was I?

Buddha, The Sumo

Before Buddha was a false god he was first a sumo wrestler. He was undefeated 50-0 until he faced his son Buddha Jr. During the match Buddha suffered a heart attack and was disqualified. Then Allah asked Buddha if he would like to join the "False God Clan". He agreed. Allah assinged him to the Southeast Asian section. He became very popular. He defeated Mega-Buddha in a staring contest and everybody began to like him. Then all of a sudden he became too popular and Allah disbanded him from the clan. But Buddha was too powerful and his Asians made Allah kiss Buddha's 800 pound ass. The ass was later figured to be a mule. Then Buddha's followers out numbered Allah's. He was going to be the top god but the real God said no. Buddha came to america to fight Spiderman but was killed. His body was sent into space and became Jupiter.

Buddha, The Eternal

Though this is highly controversial, and many classy, upscale Buddhists do not want to admit this for fear of not fitting in, it was a strongly held position that Siddhartha was not "The Buddha" but simply a bald Woody Allen who had visions of Buddha. The "Real" Buddha, according to his true prophets: Plato, Moses, and Zorro, and especially the Tibetans, is a being that is actually eternal and wholly transcendent of this world, this being is called the "Eternal Buddha", who is actually Jesus).

In fact, it appears from acient Pali texts that Jesus was, amongst other things, a kickboxer who kicked some real demon ass throughout the ages. He had traveled across Asia, raising new Buddhist monks to become a part of his pet project: The "Bodhisatvas", an elite combat team specializing in exorcisms and raising awareness about the the very, very special offer into his New Kingdom.

He is second only to the Rolling Stones on the list of currently running popular acts. The Rolling Stones have been making public appearances for 2715 years straight.

Thus, "Eternal Buddha" is vastly powerful than any god (duh), he was unwittingly involved in the Tournament of Cosmic Powers (which was part of an airlift attempted in the evil dictator of Malaysia) beating out the Daeva Shiva in the original tournament, and becoming champion, in the second he teamed up with Stephen Segal and was able to defeat Nietszche and his Uber-buddy, the bloodthirsty bandito, El Quetzalcoatl (who goes by the shout "BAN-DI-TO!"). Today, Buddha lives in the relm of Pwnage as the one and only being on the Buddha level.

   A less enlightened personage once asked Ummon
   What is the God-nature/Buddha/Central Truth
   Ummon answered him
   A dried shit-stick

Buddha, Golden

The Golden Buddha is the money-god of the Orients. He pumps out wealth like the US Federal Reserve pumps out monopoly money, and he is why there is blackmarket organ-selling business in Europe and Asia. According to the Chinese Zodiac, his reign will end when people stop being complete and utter schmucks.

Fat vs. Skinny

Although true fans of Buddha like the younger skinnier Buddha, they're just elitists who liked him before he became famous. Meanwhile, when people like fat Buddha, they're retarded because they just remember him living his last days in Las Vegas before dying of a massive heart attack on the toilet from too many pills.

Buddha, Plain

The original buddha was neither eternal, famous sumo-wrestler, or made out of gold. He ate poisoned food and this caused him to die, fortunately. He can now be said with absolute certainty to have achieved buddha-nature as no other experience can break the cycle of suffering quite so completely.

Buddha, Anti

The Anti Buddha is the Eastern conceptual counterpart of the Christian Lucifer, father of lies, except the followers of the Anti Buddha have advanced occultic knowledge of spine and skull manual manipulation and tantric sexual ritual abuse, and Westerners cannot possibly fathom these esoteric mysteries because they aren't short or angry enough. Also, the Anti Buddha is real, was your Lucifer is a toothfairy. he loved fish

Schools of Buddhism

There are three main schools of Buddhism: Theravada, the school of the old farts; Mahayana, the big school- EVERYBODY'S WELCOME; and the Vajrayana, the school of electrocution.

37 Marks of the Buddha

1. Good for nothing but having a selfish orgasm because he has a superior nervous system.
2. Farts frequently and laughs obnoxiously about it even as other people glare at him.
3. Frequently mistypes "pwned" as "owned".
4. Quotes Oscar Wilde frequently.
5. A big old dome of fatty flesh at his midriff.
6. Smells like a freshly baked batch of chocolate chip cookies.
7. Mark Seven Productions.
8. Owns a copy of Reader's Digest that he has never read.
9. Owns every issue of Mad Magazine and reads them every night before going to sleep.
10. Can go weeks without looking at internet porn.
11. Mistypes "porn" as "pr0n".
12. Doesn't talk to people on Yahoo Messenger because they're a bunch of dumb little kids.
13. All his passwords and account numbers include "420".
14. His dick is always stiff and huge.
15. His wife walks funny as a consequence.
16. Has a glass eye.
17. Frequently is spotted hanging out with pirates and stoners.
18. Is built like a frat boy.
19. Acts like a frat boy.
20. Smokes cannabis daily.
21. Does not like frat boys and never was one.
22. Severe gastric distress.
23. Dances to "Mambo No. 5" if you get him really drunk.
24. Will dance to anything by the Eurhythmics if even more drunk.
25. Kills at "Dance Dance Revolution"
26. Does card counting to make ends meet.
27. Force feeds small animals to make sure they can survive the winter.
28. Does not own a thermostat.
29. Like to watch the History Channel.
30. Lies about being able to speak French fluently on his resume (no one speaks French, and if you have a bottle of wine sitting around, it's easy to fake).
31. Plays the banjo.
32. Prefers PC gaming over console gaming.
33. Big red scar on his ass cheeks from the time he bet his buddies you could water ski on a freeway.
34. Is known to flick Allah's balls from underneath the table while playing chess.
35. Has a whole room of tampons stored in one of his rooms.
36. Released Rihanna's S.O.S. through his record company.
37. Marketing genius responsible for an extensive catalog of yogurts, breakfast cereals, bagels, blended coffee drinks, votive candles and feminine hygiene products.

Buddha's titles

Buddha over the years has earned himself many a name. Here are few I managed too collect from a group of disgruntled anti-religious folk: the god of the fat ones, eater of the last mince pie, king of triple chins, the dude with good weed, lord of the under belly, one calorie short of a heart attack, the guy who knows where the last slice of pizza went, and master of obesity!

The Buddha Teaching

1. I am not your God but instead a cummulated lipid. 2. He who has not own lipid are not my people. 3. If you cannot afford to buy my statue for worship, only barbie

  Doll can be as a replacement.

4. Do not commit adultery, for I prefer homosexuality.

“Oh where, oh where can my baby be, Buddha took her away from me, she's gone to China what else can I do. ”

~ Jekky San on Buddha after converting to Christianity

“Budda Budda Budda. Budda, Budda everywhere!”

~ Bubba Sparkxx on Buddha

Current Whereabouts

Though there is some dispute on the matter, Buddha is currently believed to be living in south central Los Angeles, assuming the form of a small, angry, black chick and going by some name ending in -isha.

See also

• Buddhism
• Autism
• Gnostic
• Religion
• God
• BUHHDA
• Black People

External links

• Never before revealed on film Buddha-Shaolin confrontation. Warning: violent dismemberment.