Buddhism
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Buddhism is a popular un-religion among trendy assholes who actually have an idea of what life is about, and was a famous art movement in the seventies, which wanted to show people their own worthlessness by writing books about birds and bees as metaphors for love and money. Wait this is the New Age movement. Going on with the story... This is referred to as enlightenment. Buddhism can also teach you how to be funny and not just stupid. Buddhism is almost like a ripoff of Hinduism: it's like (Buddhism = Hinduism - their polytheism theories). Just like Christianity was a rip off Judaism. Buddhism has no God and Buddha isn't a God.
Most Buddhist with the exception of Rush Limbaugh practice un-faggotry, and the typical Buddhist will fag up even the straightest of all BBQs. This is to say they make life interesting. They can multitask like no other. Unlike Christianity who don't approve of gays.
The decline of Buddhism will come shortly after the Electric Monks become overloaded and start believing in absolutely ridiculous things, such as one's innards being made out of Jell-O™ with a hot-dog in it, exactly as it was foretold in the Nixon Doctrines. Look it up, bitch. (Bastard?)
The movement peaked in the mid-eighties, when the most famous proponent of the cult, Larry "Buddhist" Melman had a successful late night talk show (which also featured Oscar-winning actor Chris Elliot).
The movement was started by Siddhartha Ben Gurionma, an Israeli Hindu who disapproved of cows dying on Wednesdays. In order to solve this problem, he sat under a tree for 50 years until the cows came home and he achieved enlightenment. He is more commonly known as Buddha.
The holy word of Buddhism is borrowed from Hinduism and is AUM. A sound often heard when approaching transformers. If you touch the transformer, you may achieve enlightenment. Or death. Or both. Or a fried noodle. Optimus Prime was a bad ass transformer. Rigatoni is a bad ass noodle.
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[edit] Karma
Karma is what buddhists say when it happens to someone else, when it happens to them it's unfair, out of order and they didn't ever deserve it! Next time you see a smiling shaven headed buddhist, go up to them and sock them one in the eye, if they complain tell them that you were just giving them their karma... and we taken them seriously? Rabbi Chaim Lochaim Mazzel Tov Talmudic Sanhedrin XLVIIa section b paragraph 2 (Shaven headed Goyim) commentary.
Karma is the results of your actions; like when you walk down the street and a monk robs you. Of your teeth. Too bad the tooth fairy doesn't give you any compensation, the bitch.you will relive which is bullshit.You are not going to remember.
[edit] Buddhist hells
Buddhism gains much of its market share by offering innovative alternatives to the boring old Christian hell. Each sect stocks 18 different alternatives, each issued in varying denominations of years so you can always get exact change. Old mainstays like the Hell of Climbing Up A Mountain of Knives still command a loyal following, but new products coming onto the market are gathering much of the attention with celebrity headliners. Some of the popular new hells coming on the market include:
- Hell of listening to Rick Astley music. Reserved for music executives who won't allow just any musician who gives them a blowjob to get featured in Top 40 Playlists, but only the ones who are so bad that they pose no significant threat of attracting a following on their own even after national saturation coverage. Lasts 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years but feels like it can't be a moment under 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
- Hell of listening to George Bush make shit up. Reserved for Democrats. Victims have to hang on Bush's every line of drivel, analyzing it to exhaustion, knowing that George Bush is subject to a Faust-style bargain that stipulates that if even once he says one single thing that is actually true, Mephistopheles gets to drag his sorry ass off to hell with no further delay. Lasts 8 years but seems like it will never bloody end.
- Hell of endless WoW. Reserved only for WoW fans. You get to play world of warcraft for free, but the graphics are horrible and every time you get near level 15, your computer crashes and you have to create a new account. Ends when you reach lvl 16. Red Bull/SoBe/Other toxic energy drink not included.
[edit] Sects of Buddhism
- Lesser Boringness (Hinayana) - Everything is God, but you only understand it if you can read Pali and are small-minded. In short, they're not so boring, but still no point thinking about them
- Way of the Really Old People (Theravāda) - Listen to what old people say. No, you're not allowed to say they smell like dust. Buddha not eat enough. In short, they're old and smell funny
- Greater Boringness (Mahayana) - Everything is God, and you're only not because you're fucked up. Buddha eat too much become fat. In short, don't even bother to find out where they live
- Zen - Do everything AND nothing. Check out this garden of sand that looks like Venice Beach if I put Homiez figurines on it. Penny pinch, stiff others and make them spend, then say decadent ways are bad. In short, these guys are more interesting, but as soon as they make you meditate, you might as well leave
- Indestructibly Boring (Vajrayana)) - Mostly used as training for Mortal Kombat. We tinking bend over 5 time a day make China go away. In short, vajrawhat?
- Luciferian buddhists - Too complicated to explain. In short, too complicated to explain
- Four seasons - With mushrooms, tomatoes, cheese, artichokes and ham. what?
[edit] And do you realise...
God doesn't exist. So Buddhism doesn't exist and nothing you read above is false. However, everything exists because it doesn't exist. You exist because you don't exist. But you don't exist anymore, because your brain just a-sploded.
[edit] Buddhism and strip racing
It is not generally realised in the West that the main Buddhist sects are distinguished by their different approaches to strip racing.
Mahayana (Great Vehicle) Buddhism is the sect of choice for those who prefer their dragsters to be huge nitro-snorting V-8 based monsters that run sub-5 second quarters. Hinayana (Small Vehicle) is the sect which prefers to modify small cars with enormous mid-mounted engines, substituting actual racing performance with ridiculous acceleration away from red lights on the street. Zen Buddhists drive perfectly ordinary cars but warp time and space around them to run sub-5 second quarters on the street without ever exceeding the speed limits. Zen drivers are considered by the other sects to have missed the point, which is to get high on nitro fumes.
[edit] Buddhism and Prostitution
When Asian make a money, we all a prostitute. When white make a money, Buddha say prostitute bad.
[edit] Sex of Buddhism
The sex of Buddhism is called tantriks, from the German "tante" or "aunt" and the English "tricks", or "feats". That's right, Siddhartha had sex with his aunt. Under the tree. Just as it was foretold in the Nixon Doctrines. Naked.
Sex in Buddhism is invariably followed by copious amounts of cocaine being given to everyone present. If only two people wish to have sex at a time (without allowing others in on the action), they must choose to either be crucified or married. Needless to say, the overwhelming majority chooses the relatively painless process of crucifixion.
[edit] Buddhism Today
Buddhism is the predominant religion of several countries that you've never heard of nor can you pronounce. The main practitioners are the Chinese who don't really believe in anything but money yet likes to burn incense just in case there is an afterlife. The term for an awakened one is the bodhisattva (bodhi for short). Bodhi tends to sit on beaches and surf and generally speaks in one word sentences like "awesome, dude", "radical" or "bummer". The adept is meant to decipher these messages and achieve enlightenment. However, many people seem to look down on Buddhists due to their uncanny habit of worshipping rocks and other non-living objects.
The World's most famous Buddhist, today, is Lisa Simpson of Springfield, North Tacoma, United States. Lisa was converted by Carl, Lenny and some guy called Gere. Homer joined until he realised that Buddhism forbids the eating of a pork chop on a Sunday afternoon, after which, he went back to Presbo-Lutheranism, as for Bart, he was out vandalising while Lisa was a-converting. The whereabouts of Maggie and Marge are not known.
Rivers Cuomo is a practicing Buddhist. He wrote Pinkerton, one of the greatest albums of all-time. Coincidence? Probably.
(See also the 37th Mark of Buddha)
[edit] Buddhist terrorism
Buddhist terrorism is becoming an increasing problem in the world, especially among Zen Buddhist sects. Buddhists believe that those who martyr themselves for Buddha will get 72 sturgeons in heaven. The largest international "Buddhofascist" terrorist organization is Al-Qarma, whose mission is to enlighten or else eradicate every human on earth. Their main target is people who kill bugs, especially cockroaches, mosquitos, and flies. Bugs are also life, they say, and kill anyone who kills one.
[edit] Famous Buddhists
- Yoda
- Fred Phelps
- Mecha Buddha
- Howard Dean
- Charlton Heston
- Jamie Kennedy
- Jar Jar Binks(Buddhist father)
- Muhammad
- Lando Calrissian(half-Buddhist)
- Severus Snape(Buddhist grandfather)
- The Dalai Lama
- Pink Floyd
- Paul Martin
- Jesus 2.0
- Chris Rock
- Richard Nixon
- Thaksin Shinawatra
- Lisa Simpson
- Frank Sinatra
- Mother Teresa
- Martin Luther King Jr.
- Jesus
- Dark Jesus
- Me
[edit] See also
- Jessi's religion
- Fat People
- Time Machines
- MacGyver
- Tai Chi
- Autism
- Suffering
- Buddha
- Gnostic
- Zen Garden
- Httpism
[edit] Do not see
- Zen
- Gandhi
- White stone of Kaaba, Virginia
[edit] Squint Briefly At
- The Bearded Lady Sitting on your Shoulder
