Buffy the Vampire Slayer
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
"Buffy" redirects here. For the affectionate term for someone considered to be in the genus, Bufo, see Toad
“Shes pretty hot. Thats really all you need to know.”
~ Dave on 'Buffy the vampire slayer'
“Television at it's very best!Sheer brilliance!”
~ Pinocchio on 'Buffy the vampire slayer'
Perhaps the most successful reinvention of the popular Brady Bunch premise in the history of the mass media, it has even led to the development of a religious movement, Buffyliteralism. Adherents believe in the unerring word of Joss Whedon, and even recommend he be forgiven for his involvement with Titan A.E..
[edit] The Movie
A delusional hairy clone of Robbie Williams who goes around pretending to fight CGI vampires with a dildo covered in Oprah's pubes, werewolves and sodium chloride. Currently based in Stoke-on-Trent, he/she is related to Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and Michael Jackson, nothing much to be proud of - no wonder he/she went mad and started to wage war against all salts.
[edit] The Television Series: The First Three Seasons
Joss Whedon lost a bet to Dr. Seuss and so had to retool the film as a television series. It featured Alice Cooper as Buffy and your sister as the chick from band camp. Laura Bush played the dirty old butch lesbian librarian (a role based on her real life) who mentored Buffy and her friends (if you know what I mean).
The first episode screened, "Welcome To Great Yarmouth", met with terrible ratings and the show was nearly cancelled thereafter. Fortunately, Whedon lost yet another bet with Raymond Sky, the president of England's SKY Television, who demanded that new episodes be produced.
In order to explain the vast demonic forces that descend upon the town of Smallville each week, Whedon posited that the town had a sizable population of evangelical Christians, who find the forces of Satan at work wherever they look. The show drew a huge audience of emo kids, Vampire-Americans, lonely housewives, and dirty old men, including Bob Dole.
At the end of the final season, Buffy led her fellow graduates in the fulfillment of the American Dream, and they blew up their high school and no one cared because it was a public school and was bound to happen anyway.
[edit] The Television Series: The Fourth and Fifth Seasons
After the third season, Buffy, having reached the age of 27, finally graduated from kindergarten and began attending the local whorehouse, since the tiny town of Smallville had grown into a thriving metropolis large enough to have such a fine establishment. The chick from band camp became a lesbian, which is always good for ratings, while Buffy fell for a de-aged clone of Karl Rove who worked as a call boy and fluffer for Laura Bush.
In one of the most controversial moves, Buffy, impregnated by a Vulcan, gave birth to a Pokémon in the fifth season. Named Rosy-fingered Dawn, this jail bait redhead was clearly added to maintain the fanboy audience, who felt distanced from the increasingly senile cast. Dawn was heavily involved with tentacle hentai.
In the other most controversial move, Buffy blew all her lunch money on coke at the end of this season while battling giant robots sent by Suge Knight, who was offended by the absence of Afro-American characters and skanky women.
[edit] The Television Series: The Disputed Sixth and Seventh Seasons
Some buffyliteralists maintain that these seasons are not canonical or, indeed, that they never happened, and were created in the mind of the viewing audience by the same Vulcans who inserted Dawn into the previous season. More people died before Buffy left the airwaves for good or, at least, until the floundering careers of the principal actors force them to do a reunion.
[edit] The Television Series: The Eighth Season
This season takes place as the new slayer Kennedy (granddaughter of JFK) is drawn into a shrimp world where she haves to fight a anthropologist named Dr. Bones Brennan in a battle of the Tiger Prawns. A more sombre season than the previous ones, but still with the original wit that Alice Cooper so brilliantly portrayed earlier. The special musical episode with Freddie Prinze takes the show to an all new level of television series [1], only slightly better than the Bonanza rip-off Firefly [2].
[edit] The Television Series: The Ninth Season
Season nine didn't make it off the storyboards. A lot of concern was raised during Seasons Six and Seven. Buffy and the other main characters were maturing while the audience was not. While Buffy and Willow were out literally fucking everything that moved, Colin Tideswell of Kent, England, was still living at his parents house, virginal, jacking off to the occasional "lucky find" of suspiciously early teenage porn his self induced Internet Explorer pop-up circles took him to.
Season Nine was envisaged that Buffy would, like so many late teen sluts, force Giles into the sack, Dawn was to find out and follow in her sisters footsteps, resulting in Giles ending up in prison on Statutory Rape charges. Willow was basically going to "grow out of it" and get with Xander at last, and the great evil hoardes were going to simply mellow out a bit.
The cliff hanger to Season Ten was going to hinge around Dawn's first mortgage application, where the Bank Manager was known to the audience as the Evil Spark that gave rise to the Evil Cube, that had previously led to the creation of the First Evil that had spawned all the evil, but Dawn of course did not know this as she sat waiting for letter from the bank.
[edit] Main Characters
- Buffy Summers - The bleech-blonde, squeaky voiced Slayer, played by multiple actors and a robot. She has superhuman strength, speed, agility, amazing acrobatic skills, scary dreams that make her wet the bed and the odd attraction to badassed vampire or military guys. Buffy has died three times in the series, first by being drowned in a pool full of Gatorade, a second time when she jumped off a tower into a giant pool of electrical jello, and also a third time in an alternate mode when she died from being a emotionless misery. She also died again when someone made a High School Musical video with the Buffy theme song.
- Xander Harris - Buffy's whipping boy and best friend. All he generally did in the first season and beyond was make jokes during the depressing moments of the show. He dislikes Buffy's relationships with the vampires. Xander nearly married Anya, until he walked out on her for being an idiot. Xander's eye was poked out by Caleb, the transexual priest, and he gained an eyepatch and the personality of One-Eyed Jack. After the series, he spent large amounts of time with Roy Mustang.
- Willow Rosenberg - Once known as "That Girl At Band Camp", Willow was a friendly and shy nerd before she befriended Buffy. Buffy poisoned her mind and introduced her to the black arts. Willow became a powerful witch and later a lesbian, having a relationship with Tara, who was also a witch. Willow started taking heavy does of magic mushrooms during Season 6, which eventually led her to giving up witchcraft all together. Tara was eventually killed, turning Willow into a destructive gothic maniac, until she was cured by some loving by Xander. She started a new relationship with hot girl Kennedy.
- Rupert Giles - A British "Watcher" and a former member of the rockband Pink Floyd. He is actually the legendary Jack the Ripper, and often killed women with his partner Ethan Rayne. Giles eventually became Buffy's wise and intelligent Watcher, hiding out in the local high school library. He had a brief relationship with fellow teacher, Jenny Calendar, until she was murdered by Angel. He has a tendency to take off his glasses in every episode, until Buffy stomped them into the ground during a tedious episode of Season 6.
- Oz - Willow's hardcore rock 'n' roll boyfriend, who is actually a werewolf after being bitten by Chewbacca. He plays in a band called The Dingos Ate My Baby and the Old Woman Next Door, who often perform at the Bronze. Oz eventually dumps Willow in favour of a Dalmation, but returns briefly in order to give Willow his first guitar which he didn't have space for in his van.
- Spike - THE hottest vampire around, according to a lot of fangirls. Known as the William the Bloody for being so bloody British. His cool hairstyle was stolen by Billy Idol, who is currently buried alive in a coffin underneath 130,000 pounds worth of concrete, or in other words, the Empire State Building. He has been a Big Bad, a comic relief character, Buffy's lover (!, he loved Buffy a few times- on a verandah of the bronze for one, a hippie, a poet and a garden fence. He died in the final episode when given a special jewel which can reflect sunlight. However. He returns as a ghost in the spin-off Angel the Big Foreheaded Vampire, the dissapear again into hell... and returns again... then takes another short trip to hell... eventually he makes the hard decision to stay within two kilometres of Angel over the tortures of hell, though he takes his time about it.
- Jenny "Advent" Calender - A computer geek who works at the Sunnydale High School. She is Giles' rival at first but after discovering online dating, they end up becoming a couple. Jenny is unfortunately killed by Angel after she discovers a way to delete his obscure videos on Youtube, Angel throwing her in the bin like the calender that she is.
- Anyankahairout Jenkins - A former Vengeance Demon, Anyankahairout, or Anya to those who can't be bothered to say her fool name, is the dumbest person on the planet. After being removed of her powers by Giles, Anya became infatuated with Xander, often appearing in his basement home to become naked. She eventually grew smarter and takes control of the Magic Box black arts voodoo shop. She and Xander are to marry until Xander's conscious in the form of Grampa Simpson tells him not to. Anya gets back at him by making out with Spike. She dies in the final season, accidentally mistook for supermodel and slashed through the chest by an anti-Britney fan.
- Tara Maclay - A bad-assed but cute witch who introduces Willow into black magic and seduces her into becoming her lesbian girlfriend. However, the tables turn on her when Willow starts taking magic mushrooms and becomes a superwitch, prompting Tara to split up with her. About ten episodes later after a lot of rubbish happens, they get back together, only for Tara to be killed by a deadly spitwad fired by Warren the Killer Rabbit.
- Joyce Summers - Buffy's mother and the only sane character in the show, possibly except Giles and Joss Whedon. Upon learning of Buffy's nightly activities as a vampire slayer, she takes up bingo and country dancing. Joyce catches an illness in Season 5 which causes her to go slowly insane, eventually she goes into a phase of suspended animation. She is unfortunately buried alive.
[edit] The Merchandising
Currently, Buffy merchandising includes action figures, dolls (see action figures), lunch boxes, kitty litter, Ham radios, t-shirts, lego pieces, Halloween masks, fanfic, videogames, pens, novels, comics [3], henna, luteotropin, kitchen utensils, fertilizer, mouthwash, furniture, spaghetti sauce, novelty condoms, trading cards, role playing games, elephant towers, tools for getting stones out of horses hooves, dog food, and peanut butter.
[edit] Notes
- ↑ Please note that season 8 is actually in the ancient medium of comic book. Much is still to be discovered about the comic book, a highly formed means of communication discovered in the dessert... ahem, desert of Australia in 106 BCE. Much of this is irrelevant, but the point is that the comic book form made the Oscar winning Musical Episode even more special.
- ↑ Cows in space? Yeah, right!
- ↑ Much is still to be... oh, wait, we did that already.
v d Genealogy of You Know Who (also known as the Jedi family) Obi-Wan Kenobi | Woody Allen=Jenna Jameson | --------------------------------------------------- | | | Christ=Antichrist Village idiot=Lulu Oscar Wilde=Buffy the Vampire Slayer | | | ------------------------------- Howard Stern Yoko Ono=Godzilla | | | Clark Kent=Princess Diana Minnie Mouse=Fyodor Dostoevsky 早安+大家好 |-Adolph Hitler | | |-Uncle Sam Pakistan Your Friend's Mom=You Know Who |-Wonder Woman | To be continued...
