Bullshit

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

This article is BS. Quit fucking around and please add some actual "content" to it.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bullshit.

“Wow, even I can admit that's total bullshit.”

~ Jack Thompson on Everything he says and does

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't think I'll say it on this article, the joke just seems too cliché.”

~ Penn Jillette on Saying bullshit

“On thfe other hand, I just can't disappoint the fans. BULLSHIT!!”

~ Penn Jillette going back on his word to please fans

“Yes, please”

~ Oscar Wilde

Bullshit (ISO 4217 currency code: BS) is a type of monetary unit commonly used throughout the world. It is not the currency of any one nation, but rather is the de facto medium of exchange for bureaucratic organizations worldwide. While this is bullshit's officially designated function, it is more commonly and informally used by lesser institutions and private citizens.

Although the word "bullshit" is generally used as the catch-all term for the currency, it has many vaguely-defined denominations, including bull, crap, bullcrap, horseshit, and poppycock (an archaic term used only by old coots and British people).

[edit] Production

George W. Bush started a war based on nothing but bullshit... and pies, yummy warm oil pies..... and boobs, don't forget boobs.

Since bullshit is verbal, it does not require factories to print or mint it. The means of production are decentralized amongst all users (although there is a higher concentration of BS-production in government and amongst project managers). Bullshit comes from authorized bullshitters - or at least they will pretend to be authorized - who can produce as much as they deem necessary (and believable). Bullshit production can also suffer from a kind of inflation: if too much BS is issued, it begins to decline in value, and the producer is loses all credibility. Thus all producers must distribute their currency prudently, lest the weight of their bullshit cause its value to plummet.

[edit] Usage

Anyone who can lie effectively is capable of using bullshit. Since it is an abstract form of currency, it is used to "buy" abstract things. For instance, a child can tell their parents that they are almost done with their school project and ask for some free time, even though they haven't even started yet. If their bullshit is of a high enough quality, then they can "purchase" some undeserved leisure and get away with it.

This basic practice is the same whether you are a small child or the president of a large country. If a person with strong bullshit production skills finds himself in a sticky situation, all he has to do is spend some bullshit to buy his way out. This is why most bullshitters find a career in politics.

[edit] Etymology

Main article: Byzantine Empire

The word "Boolsheet" is Turco-Avar in origin. The word translates poorly into English, meaning literally, "The concept upon which you have theorized is invalid, and I shall not abide it." Several scholars have used slang English to greater effect with such phrases as "No way, pops" or "Nothin' doin', ya dig me?"

Boolsheet was first used in the Byzantine Empire by General John Hatzoschmatzos during the Avar siege of Sirmium in 582. When ordered to surrender by the Avar Chagan, the Byzantine General spent all night drafting responses. When horsemen appeared at the city gates the next day demanding a response, Hatzoschmatzos, exhausted and unable to find the right wording, responded in frustration with the only word he knew the Avars would understand: "Boolsheet!"

Upon the fall of Sirmium, "Boolsheet!" became the battle cry of Byzantine forces for hundreds of years to come, similar to "Remember the Alamo" for Texans[1]. Every culture with which the Byzantines clashed picked up the word, including the Slavs, Turks, Russians and Persians. Today, the word Boolsheet can be heard shouted in anger in greasy bars and stinky marketplaces all over eastern Europe, Greece, Asia Minor, North Africa and the Middle-East. English crusaders even brought the word back with them from the Holy Land, poorly rendered into the word "bullshit" in English.

Another theory is that after directly after "boolsheet" was turned into "bullshit" and made part of the English language, it did not have the meaning it does today. Then, it was only used to literally describe the shit of a bull.

The current usage of the word "bullshit" in the English language is a direct result of actual bullshitting that took place about a thousand years ago in England. There was a man (who was a complete dullard), who was lying under a bull's ass, inspecting it. This would be completely idiotic under any circumstance, but this guy was lying under its ass a few hours after he had fed it 20 pounds of food. Obviously, a huge, juicy piece of shit came out of the bull's ass. Just as it landed on the man's face, his wife came out of their house and said, "What in the fuckith art thou doingth? Thou beith a goddamn dullard!" His response to this was "BULLSHIT!"

Although this guy didn't mean that it was bullshit that he "beith a goddamn dullard" (however, he was probably dull enough to think so), that's what it sounds like, right? It does. This moron realized what a clever and useful expression he had invented (it was the only creative or useful thing he had done in his life), so he traveled England until his death, spreading its use. It is no surprise that the English brought this highly imaginative swear word with them to places such as the United States, where it has never used more than it is today.

[1] A recent survey discovered that around 80% of Texans can't remember why they have to remember the Alamo, and the other half [2] didn't know to begin with. [2] yes, it adds up to more than 100%. Have you ever seen a Texan?

[edit] History

Main article: A brief history of bullshit

Bullshit has undergone a long and torturous evolution in becoming the universal currency it is today, accounting for most of of the world's transactions. Now that the nature of bullshit has been established, let's explore how it arrived at that point.

Primitive bullshit uncovered by archaeologists in East Africa.

[edit] Prehistory

Human beings were not the first creatures to discover the value of bullshit. In fact, anthropologists have found that our simian ancestors were well-versed in the use of this vital commodity long before humans ever existed. Of course, their practices were not nearly as refined as ours are today. Millions of years ago, bullshitting meant literally throwing feces at one's enemies in order to drive them away. As time passed, this primitive behavior evolved into a form of bartering, as fellow monkeys began trading the valued deterrant for other goods. Thus was the first form of money invented.

Male monkeys, sharing 132% of their DNA with human men, developed the first form of self-produced repeatable bullshit when they discovered that with simian hand gestures came the ability to lie in order to get laid. A female monkey, on average having only twice the intelligence of Marilyn Vos Savant, cannot visually distinguish between real food and random objects of similar size. Hence male monkeys learned to make the hand gesture for 'I have food' before waving small rocks or sticks around in front of the female as proof. The female's willingness to accept this bullshit brought the world's oldest currency into use in the world's oldest profession. Later this method was combined with visual substitution of actual feces for food, so that after mating the male would have the satisfaction of seeing the female mistakenly eat shit.

[edit] Early civilization

As these monkeys evolved into early humans, the art of bullshitting evolved with them. An important development in this evolution was the rise of the first governments. Whenever a king or an emperor came to power, his rule was absolute. He could order his subjects and create laws according to his whims. One common way of reinforcing this sense of importance was by paying with bullshit. A despot could walk up to a merchant, take anything he wanted from his shop, and sarcastically pay for the looting with a fresh pile from the royal stables rather than a bag of gold coins. Over time this pattern of leaders "bullshitting" their way through life became ingrained in the popular consciousness.

[edit] Middle Ages

This practice continued until the 14th century. At this time, bullshitting had reached its height in Europe. Every monarch had their own army of peasants out in the countryside, shoveling heap after heap of the stuff into wagons, to be used purely for the pleasure of the ruler. Things were going along swimmingly (for the rulers, at least). Then the Black Plague hit. Hordes of flies and rats, attracted to the ridiculous amounts of bullshit festering on the continent, spread the infectious disease far and wide. Once Europe finally recovered, people realized that it was unwise to handle large amounts of bullshit regularly, no matter how witty it made their rulers feel.

Note how a fellow bullshitter recognizes and refuses to accept the speaker's bullshit.

The devastation wrought by the Plague forced a major change in the way bullshit was employed. No longer could people handle the real thing; it was far too dangerous. Yet it had been a part of human civilization far too long for everyone to just give it up. So, gradually, people began rethinking the nature of their bullshit. Soon the leaders of Europe hit upon the idea of verbalizing it. Now instead of having to buy enough bulls to generate enough stinking waste to use regularly, all they had to do was think up its equivalent in stinking lies. Instead of a despot sarcastically paying for stolen goods with a pile of fertilizer, he simply had to provide a workable line such as the check is in the mail. "Bullshit," the victim would reply. "Exactly," the despot would answer with a wicked grin.

But this new practice had a fatal flaw: anyone who could speak could now bullshit as successfully as King Henry VIII himself. A royal stable and an army of serfs was no longer required; and so the practice of bullshitting spread to all walks of life, becoming a form of currency among the common people. If your bullshit was good enough, you could "buy" your way out of almost any situation. Eventually, some people became so adept at bullshitting that they acquired great prestige and power, particularly over every gullible fool who believed their words. Its use in acquiring power is why bullshitting is so essential to government today.

[edit] The Modern Era

Governments create economic and social systems that are dependent on bullshit to operate; without it, the world's systems would inevitably fail. Capitalism is a governmental form in which every person is allowed to make and use their own bullshit. Communism is a governmental form in which nobody's bullshit is their own, and everyone must use the same bullshit whether there is enough to go around or not.

Anarchists are a special case - they cannot recognize their own bullshit, so they do not realize it can be exchanged. Without an economic model for bullshit use they cannot form a governmental model. This is why there are no anarchist governments.

[edit] Bullshit and Modern Romance

Bullshit has had vast implications for relationships between men and women. Bullshit-as-currency has improved with technology and liberalization, making the BS-friendly profession of prostitution ever more lucrative. For eons, human and simian males have been willing and able to lie in order to get sex. But with the proliferation of dance clubs and better communication methods, most modern prostitution takes the form of dating relationships in which each party tries to discharge as much bullshit as possible.

Men substitute bullshit for money by exaggerating their wealth or professing love. Women have far more ways to substitute bullshit for sex - revealing clothes, provocative dancing, marriage, and laments about menstruation (which actually facilitates intercourse rather than preventing it) are used to convince a man that there will be sex later as long as the money keeps flowing. The most experienced prostitutes are also the most experienced bullshit artists, even developing investment strategies. With small down payments of sex and bullshit, a woman can build a child support portfolio with as many 18-year cash annuities as she likes.

Hip-hop artists, many of whom make vast sums of money in exchange for nothing but bullshit, do so largely by producing instructional videos on the use of BS in prostitution with songs such as Gold Digger. This is evidenced by the fact that virtually all women in hip-hop are referred to both by themselves and by men as hos. In the bedroom they are better known as panty hos.

[edit] The Philosophical Origins of Bullshit

A Venn Diagram illustation of bullshit (the overlaping region of "Bull" and "Shit")

Bullshit (Greek: Bullos Shiti), in philosophy, is defined as “the process by which humans consciously evaluate their subconscious conscience.” This definition, however, renders the word bullshit an alternate term for Philosophy. Semantics aside, bullshit has been of great importance to the development and understanding of human wisdom and, for this reason, has become a field of study in many modern universities, including Oxford and Princeton. Philosophical thinkers have been debating the ethical implications of bullshit since the Dawn of Man, but it wasn’t until the time of Plato that Earth was blessed with intelligible analysis of bullshit.

Plato's Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Bullshit of Nations was groundbreaking in that, for the first time in History, a human being ^{[citation needed]}, Plato, had consciously evaluated the conscious evaluation of the subconscious conscience. Plato’s manifesto became a bestseller during the Dumbfucken Ages of Europe, when copies of the book could be found in most household WCs for use as toilet paper. As a result of this practice, there are no remaining copies of the Bullshit of Nations. The Dumbfucken Ages of European history proved to be a major obstacle to the proliferation of philosophical bullshit as rather than applying the material of books to their life, as was intended by the authors, people began carrying out the more obvious and necessary task of applying the material to their ass.

Only an audio book remains until this day, as it was recorded just weeks before Plato's death and immediately sent to the Library of Congress to be stored indefinitely, unless otherwise ordered by the President of the United States. It should be noted that the Library of Congress once possessed all remaining physical copies of the manifesto until, tragically, they were once again utilized as toilet paper during the fucked-up years of the Great Depression.

[edit] Digital Bullshit

It doesn't have to compute! The explosion of computer technology has truly shown that bullshit can come in any denomination or amount one wishes to spend, and has even given BS a life of its own. Computers allow information to take any form one can imagine, and where there is information there is bullshit.

Microsoft was the first company to exchange large amounts of bullshit in lieu of actual programming. Its Windows operating systems have expertly blended bullshit with enough usable code that users think they are getting their money's worth. Even when users know they are getting BS, they often find that they can reuse or expand on it. Independent programmers have used the Windows operating system as the base for thousands of software titles composed of bullshit, and end users know all too well that programs such as PowerPoint and Word can be used to generate new bullshit. End users are not wholly defenseless against Microsoft, however. BS exchange services such as KaZaA allow users to obtain it for free, even if they have to use password crackers to bullshit their way into the programs they download.

The internet, with its combination of fluid content, uncontent and instant access, has truly allowed mankind to master the use of BS as currency. The nation of Nigeria barely produces anything tangible, but with the use of internet scams has turned bullshit into its largest source of revenue. Vatican City was the first country to realize that bullshit could be a nation's sole industry, but Nigeria has focused on ease of use. So-called '419' scammers need only exchange bullshit via e-mail for bank account numbers. As human stupidity is a constant (a quality essential in all bullshitting), this offers a fixed rate of exchange for turning BS into gold more easily than any alchemist could have dreamed. Hackers and computer virus authors have taken immediately to the more exciting possibilities of the internet, creating bullshit which can not only be used for material gain but to take control of other people's BS as well.

[edit] Digital Bullshit Analysis

The explosion of the information highway and new technology has not only allowed a massive amount of bullshit to be available on-line at the click of a mouse, but analysis techniques have allowed the degree of bullshitness to be evaluated easily. However, given the subjective origins of these analysis methods, the results can be varied. Some argue that these results are, indeed, just as bullshit as the bullshit itself.

There are four main analysis methods in the English speaking world:

• "Blair Analysis System, Text And Recognition Device" - usually referred to by it acronym B.A.S.T.A.R.D. - developed in the late 1990's by the Labour Government's top secret think tank called Sound-Bite 2. Ratings are as a percentage: 0% (no BS) to 100% (total BS).
• "Cameron Unified Normalised Text" - also referred to by its acronym - created in a single evening with Boris Johnson after 12 pints and a vindaloo. Uses same scale as above.
• "Bush Oral Lexicon Language Optimized Checking System" - known as "Thingy" (as B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S. is not a word in the USA). Scale of 0 to 10.
• "Windows Xpert Proofreader" - known as Win(dows) XP. Can be used without the built-in firewall to tolerate high level of BS or with the firewall to, errr, tolerate high level of BS.

The old Australian Standard System (A.S.S) which used a percentage rating (as the first two) has fallen into disuse as it automatically rated everything of UK/US origin as 100% and all Oz text as being "Bonza".

Examples of relevant score for sample texts is shown below:

Notes:

1. Rated by B.A.S.T.A.R.D. as a mild 1% (for the use of the full-stop and not a hyphen).

2. Rated by C.U.N.T. as 1% as he said party with a capital "P" and not a lowercase case "p" as intended by the speechwriters used to indicate a jolly good time.

3. Rated by everyone as total BS and Bollocks - but downrated after applying the "Country We Don't Want Piss Piss Off" constant (normally indicated by the Greek letter Crapton (δ)).

4. This website also rates exceptionally highly on the various "Talking Bollocks" scales.

[edit] Bullshit Occupations

With improvements in communications, BS production has become a profession in and of itself. Types of modern professional bullshit artists include:

• 1) Politicians: people who use bullshit to buy political power. Their bullshit production may be outsourced to spin doctors or lobbyists.

• 2) Telemarketers: who use the phone to sell a combination of products, company-produced bullshit, and their own improvised bullshit.

• 3) Military recruiters: who are paid to deliver government-produced bullshit to prospective recruits.

• 4) Public relations firms: companies to which other corporations can outsource vital bullshit production.

• 5) Exotic dancers: prostitutes who usually substitute bullshit for sex, aided by working in a bullshit factory called a strip club. The willingness on the part of johns to pay for this BS is aided by serving alcohol. But there are some strip clubs willing to substitute alcohol with juice - bullshit for alcohol.

• 6) Professional poker players: people who use carefully tuned bullshit to win card games, and show spectators how it's done.

• 7) Lawyers: similar to politicians or PR executives, these creatures take existing bullshit such as the law or a 'not guilty' plea and mix it with their own brand of bullshit known as "sophistry." They are paid bullshit-production fees by clients or the state, or can use BS to convince a court to pay civil damages to their client (who is then bullshitted out of the proceeds). Because bullshit is used within all fields of law by both defense attorneys and prosecutors, jurors know that both sides are using bullshit and simply choose the most creative BS. This freedom of expression has made true content-free bullshit an art form at which anyone can be a Rembrandt.

[edit] Bullshit addiction

Fundamentalist Islamic states provide a lesson on what happens when dealers become addicted to their own bullshit. Muslim leaders have been unable to profit from their BS, because like any addict they compulsively use it on themselves. Business dealings between Muslim religious factions do not involve money or goods - the parties merely trade bullshit. Conversely, Westerners have become addicted to oil, but Muslims demand on pain of death that everyone buy their bullshit if they want their oil as well.

[edit] The Future

Or "How I Learned to Quit Thinking and Love the Phaser."

The future of bullshit is as limitless as human imagination and as boundless as human stupidity. As long as there are enough clever bullshitters in the world, and enough gullible idiots to accept their currency, then BS will always have value. This is possible because bullshit parallels the spread of human language. Wherever any form of communication is possible, whether it be face-to-face, televised, on the Internet, or in some form that we can't possibly imagine, there will always be a place for bullshit to thrive. You can count on it.

What might be, hundreds or thousands of years from now, is the subject of the genre called science fiction. Of all science fiction, none better depicts the potential of bullshit to shape the future than Star Trek. It depicts a future in which nobody is poor because money has been entirely replaced by bullshit. Federation science has discovered that laws of physics such as relativity, gravity, and conservation of energy are all BS. This allows for technologies which undo these laws merely by creating neo-bullshit such as inertial dampers, warp coils, subspace, and replicators (capable of turning a pocket watch into a food ration if needed). If it is found that a machine does not have enough bullshit to counter the laws of physics, it must be modified. Treknology can be outfitted with new bullshit simply by being within earshot of phrases such as temporal flux, reverse the polarity, and remodulate the field coils. New particles or substances can be created using bullshit descriptions. There are even characters physically composed of nothing but the finest BS, such as the android Data whose batteries "recharge themselves."

Think this doesn't matter because none of it is real? The proof is in the bullshit. The writers of Star Trek have shown their understanding of BS by their ability to exchange it for cash even though they're not producing it anymore. They present all of their bullshit as fiction, yet many fans buy Klingon dictionaries and technical manuals to familiarize themselves with the BS needed to live in the Star Trek universe.

[edit] UnBullshit

One common Uncyclopedia tag is a quote by Oscar Wilde identifying the article as bullshit; this is a high compliment that recognizes the article as being a fine piece of bullshit writing worthy to join the mess of bullshit articles that make Uncyclopedia so rich.

[edit] See Also

• Soulja Boy
• Pans Labrynth
• Crap
• Shit
• Bullshitism
• The shits
• Ann Coulter
• Bill O
• 50 Cent
• A Racist article
• Fictionology
• Microsoft
• Tom Cruise