Bungie

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I can has Recon?

Perhaps you are part of Bungie's plan for world domination...or you killed yourself with a traffic cone.

“I remember when Bungie used to make trading cards.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bungie

“I remember when Bungie made sex toys for ten year old boys!”

~ Tyler Wagner on Bungie

“Ah yes I have 12 of those "toys" in my celler right now!”

~ Alex Bachmann on Bungie

“Pfft! Who needs sex toys? I have Tyler Wagner, my son!!!”

~ Lori Wagner on rather using her son than a real sex toy for her pleasure

Hollowed-Out Moon, one of thousands of Bungie games made while they still devised nuclear warheads for the Macintosh.

Bungie Software are the idiots who fucked up Halo 3 and the unforgettable classic, MythTacularificativisisitiy. Once a loyal member of the brilliant Macintosh gaming coven, they now defected and work Bill Gates and his Microsoft scum for complete and utter control of Earth as their reward.

1 History
2 Games
3 The Future of Bungie: In a series of irrelevant chronological dates
- 3.1 Conspiracy Theory

[edit] History

It was a rather cool day on July 4th 1991, the streets of Chicago were alive with venders selling hotdogs, and kids paying hobos to fight other hobos for said hotdogs, It was a beautiful day indeed. Little known to the commoners a dark cloud was brewing over the university of Chicago, three students were about to begin a quest that would change the course of history for years. Those students were; Jason Jones, Alex Seropian and Brad Yeats. Their quest? exploring they're ever devoloping sexuality.

Before I get too fresh in that story I first must tell you that I am an elephant, and that this story has little or nothing to do with bungie software, also about a young mobster hopeful, Tommy Two-G’s. Fresh off the boat from his motherland, Canada, Tommy always wanted to be a mob hit-man, the idea fancied him ever since he was a little boy. His new life in Chicago was going to give him that opportunity, he had an in at a local mob chain, all he had to do was wack one guy and he’d be in. That guy was known as Manny Sir Mixalot, A janitor at a local establishment. Now when I say establishment I mean a run down bar, and by janitor I mean drunk since 1986.

When Tommy finally met Manny, he liked the guy. They started talking and before he knew it they were at the park, playing hide and seek (if you know what I mean). By day’s end he didn’t have the heart to kill good ole’ Manny so he shot the bartender instead in the butt. He dressed the dead bartender in Manny’s cloths and then found a gorilla suit for Manny to hide in. He showed the dead bartender to his mob friends, who thought it was Manny, and they let him join the club. Manny kept on drinking.

And now back to Jason, Alex and Brad. Their plan to take over the world was simple yet so demonic, One of their fellow students had created a game that they all knew was going to be the next huge thing. The game was called ‘Dig Dug.' (known in korea, as 'male on male sex orgy' Step one of their contrive was to steal the game from their peer, Cornelius Sucko. Step Two, place a series of subliminal homosexual messages in the game. Step Three, sell the game to everyone in the world, making everyone gay in the process. Step Four, This step was never known, but it did involve lubricant, and butts... Step Five, Take place as the three gay kings of the world. Cornelius had realized the threes plan and wouldn’t let the world fall to such an evil group so he hired a local mob hit-man to take them out, remember Tommy Two-G’s?

Tommy tracked down the three inside their dorm, he stood outside the window with a pistol ready to shoot, He saw the outline of someone through the window so he shot. He hit Brad Yeats killing him, what happened to his body was never known, it just disintegrated into thin-air. No one ever spoke of Brad ever again. Shocked Jason and Alex ran out to Tommy and had an angry exchange of words. The two soon found that the hit-man was hired by Cornelius, so they hired the hit-man themselves to have him kill Cornelius. By that time though, Cornelius had taken his game and left Chicago without a trace.

Left with nothing, Alex and Jason had to create a game themselves if their plan was to continue. Feeling bad for killing Brad, Tommy quit his mob clan and joined to help the two achieve world domination, it just so happened that Tommy had a bachelors’ degree in Computer Programming. The three needed a headquarters for them to work out their plan, Tommy had just such a place. Remember Manny Sir Mixalot? Well without a bartender he had become the owner of that rundown bar, named Bungie’s Tavern. They turned the tavern into Bungie Software and tried as they did, they were never able to get rid of Manny.

There they created their company, making games upon games filled with subliminal messages hoping that one day everyone in the world will own at least one of their games. When that day comes they will take their place as ‘The two wise men, rulers of the world formally known as earth.’ They stayed in Chicago for several years until an incident on July 4th 1998, which including Frankie O’Connor skinny dipping in a public park, forced them to leave the city forever. On July 4th, 2000, the two realized that their game production was rather slow and would be faster if the two split up, leaving Jason in charge of Bungie while Alex snuck back into Chicago to create Wideload.

[edit] Games

Over the years, Bungie Software has made seven thousand titles, Most were for the Mac computers(3,004), while others were for the Yuatak Computers(1,450), and only a few were made for Window computers (3), The rest were made for the Bungie-Cube, the companies own game console, but during Microsoft's bloody coup of the company, they were converted to Xbox, a few of these are:

[edit] The Future of Bungie: In a series of irrelevant chronological dates

At the turn of the millennium the evil empire of Bungie Software had stepped up in their plans at world domination. They had already implanted the entire population of Australia and New Zealand with their mind control by way of the ‘Myth' series. They had also dominated in Japan, with operation "Take down the Miyamoto" or more publicly known as "Oni." They just needed one more finishing punch to take the rest of the world with, something so big and so grand it would need three parts.

Enter, Halo.

Halo (Known at the time as Operation "Blam!") would be that finishing punch. Starting in 1999 it would take 8 years to finish, when the dust settles after those 8 years it would be Bungie at the top with their new world order. At least that's what they had planned. What Bungie didn't know was that there was someone more powerful in the world with the same plan as them. When word leaked to this person in 2000 about Bungie's plan and Operation "Blam!" he knew there was only one way to deal with them, he'd have to buy Bungie Software.

It was Bungie's darkest hour, on July 4th 2000, when they were bought out by the mastermind of world domination schemes, Crispy ‘Toodles' McGurt. It was Crispy who created a whole puppet company called Microsoft, and built the smartest robot known only to him, dubbed ‘Bill Gates'. Crispy's plan was to put his own subliminal messages in Halo, But those who were true to Bungie's cause out smarted Crispy, erased his messages and put in there own. Those heroic figures (They call themselves "Oceans Seven" but I refuse to call them that) are Jason Jones (Level 98, all around god) along with Joseph Staten (Level 56 Padalan, Expertise in illusion), Marty O'Donell (Level 85 Elf, Expertise in battle calls), Tommy Two-G's (Level 88 Orc, God like powers in Advanced weaponry), Frankie O'Connor (Level 67 Linguist, Expertise in saying so much yet saying so little), Alta Hartman (Level 77 Princess, Expertise in ribbons and ponies) and Manny Sir Mixalot AKA The Webmaster (level 5 Gorilla, Drunk).

The next few years nothing substantial happened, Halo was released, a few years later Halo 2. The masses at Bungie's door step grow to this day, and Crispy still thinks his plan is coming to fruition. Its not until 2007, or as it is known to those at Bungie, "The Year of Ascension", when things really start to heat up.

Day One of the Year of Ascension: After years of hiding in the seedy underground of Chicago, the Legendary Alex Seropian (Level 89 Necromancer) returns to Bungie with the captured soul of Brad Yeats. He stays hidden the dungeons below, summoning a massive zombie army.

Day Forty-Five of the Year of Ascension: In an act of drunken haze Manny drives a stolen car into a live taping of nation-wide news report

Day Forty-Six of the Year of Ascension: The Chicago Mafia, after watching the news report and realizing that Tommy Two-G's never killed the drunk, heads to Seattle to kill Manny and teach Two-G's a lesson.

Day Fifty-Eight of the Year of Ascension: Alex finishes his Zombie Army after reaching 5.4 million soldiers of the dead. The Chicago mob, after a bunch of hilarious mixups finally arrive at Seattle.

Day Seventy-Nine of the Year of Ascension: Bungie announces the release date for the final Halo game, 7/7/07.

Day Ninety-Two of the Year of Ascension: Crispy prepares to take control of the world, he shuts down public operations at Microsoft and takes ‘Bill Gates' away from the public eye.

Day One Hundred and Three of the Year of Ascension: After several assassination attempts Tommy and Manny travel down to the deeps of the dungeons to seek help from Alex.

Day One Hundred and Eleven of the Year of Ascension: Rumors reach Bungie that Crispy has constructed a massive robot army. Tommy and Manny surface from the dungeons with Ling-Lings head. Jason Jones, in preparation of the Ascension, travels to the Far-East to assure his Dominance in those regions.

Day One Hundred and Twenty-One of the Year of Ascension: In a grizzly street battle between Tommy, Manny and the Chicago Mafia, Ling-Lings jar breaks sending the group thousands of years into the future.

Day One Hundred and Thirty of the Year of Ascension: An unknown hacker breaks into Bungie's servers, crashing the mainframe. After a Intense dream battle, between Joseph Staten and the Hacker, Staten wins and learns that the Hacker is Cornelius Socko, who has joined forces with Crispy.

Day One Hundred and Forty-Seven of the Year of Ascension: Jason returns from his trip and goes straight down into the dungeon with out speaking to anyone.

Day One Hundred and Fifty-three of the Year of Ascension: Jason surfaces and closes off the dungeon, stating no one is to go down there.

Day One Hundred and Sixty-Two of the Year of Ascension: Halo's final Code is sent to the factories to be manufactured.

Day One Hundred and Sixty-Three of the Year of Ascension: Crispy and Cornelius make a surprise visit to Bungie studios and finally reviles his intentions, and offers jobs under his new world order. Everyone refuses so Crispy leaves, Letting Cornelius to kill each and every person at Bungie. Staten quickly engages him in yet another intense dream battle.

Day One Hundred and Seventy-Six of the Year of Ascension: Staten defeats and kills Cornelius. Jason locks himself in his office, while strange noises from the dungeon become louder.

Day of Ascension, 00:00:01: Halo 3 is released to the public. Crispy shuts down all operations at Microsoft. The noises in Bungie's dungeons suddenly stop, and Jason comes out of his office.

Day of Ascension, 7:07:07: Bungie's brainwashing of the world is complete. Billions of people surround the studio awaiting orders. Jason proclaims himself the King of the World, and commands the destruction of Crispy. The dungeon doors open, pouring millions of zombie warriors into the world. Alex is now stronger than ever with the help of Brad's soul and a mysterious blue orb found in New Zealand by Jason.

Day of Ascension, 13:33:56: As the masses head to destroy Crispy, he unleashes his robot army under the control of a massive ultra-smart A.I., ‘Mother Brain' who at one point was ‘Bill Gates' (‘Mother Brain" is more commonly known as Bill-bot). A massive battle engulfs the world, Microsoft's robots against Bungie's Zombies and the Seventh Army. Alex takes up battle with Bill-bot, While Jason battles Crispy in hand on hand combat.

Year Ninety Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty-Two after the Year of Ascension: Tommy, Manny, and the Chicago Mafia arrive in a post-apocalyptic futuristic world. As they search for any survivors they notice the ground is littered with thousands of holes. After finding a scroll from the battle during the Year of Ascension, they learn that Cornelius Socko had claimed himself god over a race of Dig Dugs, from another galaxy. The Alien Dig Dugs were angered by their gods death that they traveled to earth and dig and dug every thing to death. Except for Jason and Crispy, during their battle Alex tried to help Jason out, but the mysterious blue orb reacted with Crispy's Bill-bot Remote he had in his pocket. The orb ripped a hole in the space-time-continuum and sent the three to the very end of time, doomed to fight until the end of time....well lets just say, forever. In their absence and during the chaos Blizzard Entertainment reviled their plain for world domination by unleashing hoards of Orcs and Zergs upon the land. At the same time Bethesda Softworks attempted to take control with use of some magical scrolls, some ‘older' scrolls, they themselves had teamed up Sid Meier who dared to rule all the civilizations of the world.

[edit] Conspiracy Theory

Sometime in 1996, the Bungie Webmaster (whose identity is still unknown) sent an email to one particularly annoying individual who cared nothing about Bungie.

Within this email, he wrote:

"The entity you know to be Bungie is simply a smokescreen for the larger and more advanced operation under it. You do not know yet the extent of the power we have, but the truth is that the smallest arm of Bungie is powerful enough to control the U.S government through a simple phone call."

Several lawsuits were made over this email, but they were dismissed promptly after they were made.

Many people theorize about the evolving entity they now know as "Bungie". However, any people that investigated beyond simple emails and phone calls have mysteriously disappeared along with their houses, ex-wives, and possessions. One can only hope that Bungie will not unleash its power before Halo 4 is released.

A lot of people also firmly believe that Bungie employees have severel orgasms every time they ban someone for no reason.

Bungie also enjoys creating a really cool game, then making a really shitty sequal that makes you pull your hair out and throw your controller against the wall. First Bungie made a great game called Halo: Combat evolved. When Halo Combat evolved came out every body was like "Hey!!!! This is awwwwweeeesssooooommmmeee!!!" "Woah!!! is that alien going to sex on me????" It was great, but it was missing one thing. MULTIPLAYER ONLINE. So Halo2 came out. To be honest the campaign sucked a huge black midget penis, but "the multiplayer was cool." Said Jim Carrey while he was eating carrots and vodka at his mansion in Iraq. When Halo 3 came out everything sucked dick except for its forge which still defied the laws of gravity but you have to remember its a first person sex toy.

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Category: Games