Burnley

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A pub, Burnley

BEEG EESHU, BEEG EESHU PLEEZE! Burnley (left bollock) is a small market town in the North West of England, famous for its entirely white population. It currently has a population of 74,500,000 people.

[edit] History

As you can see Burnley is easily the crappiest city in Little Britain and Big Britain combined and will be forever due to the fact that it is home of kelvin stevenson and skindog, it is also believed that Burnley is built on the ruins of Zanarkand, which was in the documentary Final Fantasy X so there.

[edit] Culture

Town Centre Parking, Burnley

Badger baiting is the national sport of Burnley, after years of mediocrity forced football fans to seek alternative entertainment. The locals have embraced technology recently, with the memorable achievement of installing a gas lamp on the 24th April 2006. It is now reported that as many as 13 people operate working gas lamps in Burnley. The official language of Burnley is Feral, although English is believed to have become a popular second language for some. The Burnley phonebook goes from 'A' all the way through to 'A' (with the exception of Rocky Mills, which is a separate species). Some believe that the reason the inhabitants are so fearsomely violent is that they of descendants of The Long Feared town of Padiham.

[edit] Burnley Race Riots

In 2001 Burnley took place in the 'Summer Riots of Race'. Burnley joined with Oldham and Bradford to make the racist triangle. Like the Bermuda one but with asylum seekers rather than yachts. When the riots were announced, the middle-class minority were publicly shocked. However it turned out it was the local WI (women's institute) that funded the attack on what they called the heathens of the North. The majority of people involved in the race riots weren't actually of different ethnicities, but were actually gypsy athletics who were being chased by the Nazi locals. The police saw the potential health and safety forms that would have to be filled in if someone would trip. To prevent this they fired tear gas into the crowd of spandex travellers and eviction notices were soon pinned to their trailers.

[edit] Music

The people of Burnley , talentless at almost every aspect of life , actually are great at composing music. It is a well known fact that Burnley is the real birthplace of The Proclaimers, They deny this , but we all know it to be true.

[edit] Religion

Zak Dingle - spiritual leader of Burnley. This image is the only known likeness of Burnley's Messiah, and has allegedly been signed. The authenticity of this document has not yet been determined.

The people of Burnley, however mentally challenged, still have a religion. It is a primitive source of Christianity, with Emmerdale character Zak Dingle as their Messiah. They choose one man (who generally has more than 30 IQ points) every day for sacrifice to Dingle. Worship takes place each weekday in the Church of Wilkinson and Home Bargains. Some, decreed heathens by the Church of the Dingles, don't believe The Great Lord Dingle is theirMessiah. They in fact believe that Lord Dingle is only a prophet, sent down from the heavens by the true Messiah, it is believed that is the Messiah actually is the man with a beard who works at Gamestation, who's name actually is 'Beard'. He does not deny.

'The Unofficial image of his Holiness, The Bearded Guy at Gamestation. He doth not deny his holy power.'

[edit] Tourism

For accomodation, the traveller should try the Keirby Hotel, famed throughout the world in asylum seeker circles. Sleeping on the street has the same level of comfort, but the locals do have a habit of stealing and destroying all that is not securely chained to the ground. During the daylight hoours, when most of the population cannot surface, the traveller should visit the Dukes Bar or Stoops Estate areas, the town's most picturesque and serene landmarks. Take the time to sample Colne Roads famous singles scene, by getting a car (finding one with wheels may be challenging), and driving up to one of the girls on a street corner. They will demand an upfront payment though. The English pound amounts to roughly 1,000,000 Burnley barter stones, these can be purchased in one ton bags from any Travis Perkins bank, meaning that any tourist can swiftly become the richest man in the town. When bored with the urban activities, there are several scenic sites around the area. Many visit the nearby woods, where the documentary of the town, "Deliverance", was filmed. It is also a traditional practice for the more rural residents to 'spend the night' with sheep. The Lancashire Tourist Association warns all travellers not to disturb them during this native mating process, due to the hostile nature of the locals (yet again, refer to "Deliverance").

[edit] Politics

Burnley has been run by the BNP for several years now, who have kept a stranglehold on the town using mind altering substances in the drinking water (which is also used for bathing and washing). They currently plan to raise Hitler from the dead in the town.

[edit] Football

Burnley is known to have the best football team in the entire world, having famously beaten such other successful teams as "Assnal" and "Milfchester United", and now their one trophy, made from the rancid remains of Leeds United's footballing glory, resides in a small crack den close to their football ground, Tuff Moor. Burnley FC are ruled by Fan #1 who dictates the club from his armchair.