C. Everett Koop
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
C. Everett Koop, one time Surgeon General of the United States, was conceived in the back of an Amish Buggy during the War of 1912. In 1916, he changed his name to Chuck E Cheese in 1921, until he was sued by Disney in 1924. The legal battles that followed inspired to adopt his role as a dual-class attorney-warrior. After taking the heads of numerous opponents, he surrendered and changed his name to Sgt. Symbol.
Contents |
[edit] Bad Ass
He is perhaps best known for his invasion of Snohomish County, WA, in 1954. As an Army beautician, he commanded the 23rd Platoon of grunts, which is something like a moan, but more manly. Just prior to his would-be invasion of Canada, he was 'turned on' by the vibes coming from the horned beavers there, and set up the original "Just Say No" campaign, which was short for "Just Say No to War, Say Yes to Magical Rejuvenating Energy".
[edit] Surgeon General
For most of the 80's, Koop's role as Surgeon General was largely ignored, despite his impressive performance. From 1981 to 1984, he performed dozens of anterior oophorectomies, four clitorectomies, three brain transplants and one partridge in a pear tree. He is credited with inventing the electric proctoscope in 1986.
During Reagan's miserable failure of an attempt at controlling illicit substances, the war on drugs, Koop attempted to apply his earlier message as, "Just Say No to Drugs, Say Yes to Magical Rejuvenating Energy", to but the latter half was deemed too new agey and dropped. Koop is said to have fallen into a deep despair at this point. Just prior to admission to the Psychiatric Institute of Washington, D.C., he instituted the policy of requiring tobacco cigarette manufacturers to label cigarette packages with frightening and confusing messages such as "Smoke this and you will get cancer. That means you're fucked." To this day, lawmakers have yet to overturn this deceitful practice.
[edit] Life Goes On
After his stint as Surgeon General, he campaigned for Democrats for the Cloning of Joseph Stalin. Through hosting numerous fancy dinner parties and offering pole-dancing lessons to influential members of the political elite, Koop realized he had a talent. He was special, dammit, and no one was going to get in his way. In 1996, he retired from the political scene and begin to spread his message of love on the rap scene as C. Everett Koop Dawg. His first single, "Just Say Ho!" topped out on Billboard charts at #1 for two weeks in a row in 1997. He was unsuccessfully sued by Alfred Yankovic for ripping off the "Amish Paradise" music video.
Always the cosmopolitan, Koop joined a thespian troupe in 1999, and worked alongside world-renowned actors Yakov Smirnoff and Captain Picard, performing in an off-off-Broadway production of Meet the Feebles. Perhaps the most successful of all was 2002's In Soviet Russia, Terrorism Fights YOU, a play that was written by, directed by, and starred Koop (as himself, and as the Pirate King). Osama Bin Laden Bobbleheads were given away to the first 10 million attendees with the price of admission (which was free), so that might explain the play's popularity.
[edit] Current Whereabouts
He is currently on display at the Metropolitan Museum of Old Famous People.
