News
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- See also UnNews
“I'm in your TV, cleaning your face”
~ Phrase Generator on News
“In Soviet Russia, NEWS READS YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on News
“This, is CNN”
~ Darth Vader on CNN
“I love CNN!”
~ Osama Bin Laden on CNN
This just in. A fat man has just lost weight and is about to eat again. His goal: get fatter. people are wondering why we aren't using his enormous body for warmth. Scientists have concluded that he doesn't have enough for everone.
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[edit] About CNN
CNN stands for.... Crazy Nannys' News . . . If you happen to think that U.S. Troops are serial killers, Hillary Clinton is actually a "terrorism expert", Barack Obama is a patriotic American, Al Jazeera is fair and balanced, Micheal Moore is god, colored people (any color) are superior, queers are normal, talk radio is too conservative, the fairness doctrine is fair, and there are no terrorists in Iraq then CNN is the network for you! If these views dont apply to you then go watch Fox.
News is the plural for the word new.
Up Next: News-Hazardous to your children's health? Stay Tuned.
Origins of the word news:
- An outdated theory put forward by the Soviets argued that news does not exist as matter and energy can not be created or destroyed. Since matter can not be created, its impossible to create something new; only something different can be created. Only three months after the fall of the Berlin Wall, nothing related to this bullet point happened.
- Another theory has it that "news" comes from the japanese word Noos, a middle age word meaning to massage a mongooses' genitals. Apparently this word was in common usage during the early days of eastern journalism.
- A news-paper is a collection of pieces of dried, flattened wood pulp upon which items of the day, such as waterbed factory sales notices and movie listings can be printed.
- Interestingly, "news" read backwards is "Swen," a Danish word for sweat stains that collect on the underarms of news reporters during uncomfortably long broadcasts.
- News is also the initials of the words, North East West South. This as we all know should not be, as the adjacent compass points are North East South West. Therefore, 'news' should actually read 'nesw'.
[edit] The Origins of News
News has been around for a very long time. Prior to the colonisation of the American continent by Europeans, the phenomena of News was know simply as "Sss" but in keeping with their standard renaming policies the early settlers changed the term to "New Sss," or "News" for short. Before the invention of the News Broadcast, News was only transmitted in very narrow lines, on specific subjects such as Geneology, Eugeneology, Jennyololgy, Gene Kelly and KY Jelly. Even today, the purpose of news remains a mystery, but is thought to hark back to ancient requirement among tribal cultures that every man, woman and child should have a greater understanding of the opinions of journalists.
In 1683, sir Isaac Newton, then head of the department of Mothermatics and Cambridge University, England, proved that all news was subject to predictable trajectories, governed by the underlying principles of Farce, a term he completely failed to explain. According to Newton, news can be dynamic or exist as a potential, but can only be stopped by an equal and opposing episode of Jerry Springer. It is widely understood that American News is far superior to any other form of news, a fact which is testified to by its utter refusal to consider events beyond its own boarders. However, rare and imported news is becoming increasingly available in recent years as a small and radical movemet takes up the cry for "Newer News." Alas, their numbers are still few, and the majority of diehard enthusiasts still maintain that it is not possible to beat Good Old News. Look for Cabal.
[edit] News In The 21st Century
News has recently returned to its original state. In a Gutenburgesque process, basic elements are shredded and pulverized, added to a chemically reactive slurry, baked in the sun and dried. The resulting slate is then tinted for a colorizing effect, and presented as raw product to Comedians and Theologians, who then use surrogates to write of obtuse adversities or placid mollycoddling on the slate. The resulting message is delivered via various means of overpriced connectivity to the masses. Though News is created in much the same fashion as ever before, modern efficiencies assure complete obfuscation.
[edit] Commonly Broadcasted News & Specials
- Everything causes cancer Tell me something I don't know.
- The Harmful effects of eggs
- The Benifits of eggs
- Everything is harmful to your children, and only your children
- O.J. Simpson
- Prezident Bush
- The benefits of penis enlargement
- SARS
- STARS
- Your Mom
- Cancer
- More Cancer
- Bad News
- Bullying: A national epidemic
- Global Warming
- People Getting Offended By "Merry Christmas"
- Chavs breakiing into cars,shooting or stabbing people who didn't deserve to die and smashing things up.
- The Spice Girls reunion tour
- The Led Zepplin reunion gig
- Billary Clinton
- Effects of Communism on Jews
[edit] Shocking/Sad/Awful/Good/AAAAAA!/Bad/ly drawn News
Above: One example of bad news which occurred during the 2000's, an event which shocked the world
[edit] Dangers of News
Recent studies have shown that news can trigger a phenomenon known as supnewchaopanic, a clever French portmanteau which roughly translates to "super news chaos panic" in which people who watch news scramble to buy water, food, batteries, and dirty magazines in preparation for Katrina. It is also hypothesized by some scientists to be the source of weather, as only news channels know what's coming up next. Weather this is true is uncertain. You found a secret!
[edit] News Channels
News channels, such as CNN, BBC News and the Canadian MaleTV are the three main broadcastors of news on Media. CNN was first started by Crazy Noob Noobs from the tihrd dimenson. BBC News was started by Sir BBC along with SIR Bbc and Mr. BBC.co.uk. MaleTV was begun by crazy oversized people with cheese uponeth them. These three channels form the trinuty of Media and the Press is their leader. Without press, they would be anime channels, except that MaleTV would be a Home Design channel and BBC News would be BBC Meows, a cat-care show on SixteenTV
[edit] People who watch the News
- Your dad
- Your mom (less then your dad though)
- Chuck Norris (he needs to know that he is not funny any more)
- George Bush
- Saddam Hussein (discontinued)
- The person who proudly made this section of the article (because HE is smart)
- Jack Bauer
- Both Starsky and Hutch
- Nobody else
- Your Nan & Grandad(obvoiusly)
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