CPU
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The CPU or "central procrastination unit" was invented during the period 1046-1064 when Norman leader William le conquerouereu intended to invade Saxony during 1066, but was also bored. Unfortunately his invention proved useless for over six years, until 1999 when Steve the messiah Jobs invented the rest of what is now known as the modern 'puter.
Its name derives from its condition of forever putting off doing what it's asked, since it is always filling its CPU time running a Norton Antivirus scan. In recent years (as recently as right now) these engines of procrastination have appeared with more brains, which manufacturers claim are aimed at reducing the level of procrastination occurring. Despite this development the use of CPU time has remained inefficient because coders (read: 933k2) are relatively lazy themselves, as they work in an industry that is all too used to procrastination.
The theory of CPU time was invented by Albert Einstein when he feared that neither his Special nor General Relativity would allow him time to avoid a high speed collision with Bristol that would occur due to a CPU error, and thus the procrastination of the CPU was created. This lag was intended by Einstein to allow him time to avoid the collision by knowing well in advance that a collision was due to occur, despite the fact that this new theory of CPU time was in direct opposition to his "you can't travel in time fool" theories of Special, General and Ninja Relativity.
It was decided, by a particularly cool part of the computing community, that the speed of a CPU should be measured in hurts, however in a particularly stylish and non-geeky move it was decided that hurts should instead be spelled hertz, because that way it is way more 1337. The idea of using hertz as a measurement supposedly derives from the experience of users who suggested many names for the unit of measurement, however hertz was finally arrived upon because it most simply and concisely described the experience of using any device reliant upon a CPU.
In recent years the question has come to light as to what colour a CPU is. Despite many claims that it has no colour, or that it might be a rainbow coloured object, the truth is that we can never know any CPU's colour because they all wear a coat, and a hat, and a balaclava with no eye holes. We do know that all CPU's are certainly mauve, but can also be a shade of red.
Recently it has been suggested that garlic tastes rather nice in a soup with onion and red lentils, however this claim has not been substantiated by the Federal Agency for Tasty Soup, better known as FATS, so we are left to ponder why this was brought up, I digest. The point remains that soup can, and will continue to be a source of tasty nutrition, though not as good as a decent steak or a really nice sandwich, but in liquid form neither of those things is highly available. It is a little known fact that soup was invented by a rogue CPU, hence the need for this paragraph, otherwise this would just be nonsense, but it isn't, for the reason I just gave it is a lucid and swishy account of the importance of tasty soup as a liquid foodstuff that is not a beverage. Mint soup should be avoided as it was created by the dark emperor of CPUs, whose hot-headed nature came about as a result of Intel's drastic expansion of the Pentium 4 line beyond it's financial pliability. The last of their kind, the John Prescott based Pentium processors boasted a fatness, and redness from heat output that could not be equaled by any other CPU. Potato soup is common in Ireland.
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