CSI: Miami

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“He seems... to have stolen my... superior acting style”

~ William Shatner on David Caruso

CSI: Miami is a popular TV show based on the basic formula for AXN shows:

Add filmed on a set + cool theme song + worthless actors + flabby directors + weird looking lead - Any acting talent whatsoever + ripoff of the original TV show= CSI: Miami.

This formula has been used for many TV shows such as:

American Idol
Nascar
Survivor
Survivor: Vanuatu: Islands of PWNage!
Survivor: WalMart
Survivor:Great White North
Survivor: Lays-bet you can't eat JUST ONE!
Spiderman
The amazing race
The not so amazing race
The un-amazing race
The pointless ripoff sunglasses race

1 Breakdown of Show
2 The episodes
3 Character's Problems
4 Awards and accolades
5 The Issue about the Sunglasses
6 See also

[edit] Breakdown of Show

First, the show begins as two crazy teenagers are about to engage in sexual activity of some sort. They are usually doing it in a place that they shouldn't, instantly heightening the viewers excitement level. Then, coming as a COMPLETE shock to the audience, the couple stumbles onto a body. But this body isn't like most bodies in reality, it's usually absurdly disgusting, with over-the-top gore effects. The female then screams, proving that that is all that women are good for. Cut to the next day, when the CSI team, including Hoaratio, finally gets there. They exchange comments about the weather and the state of the pornography community. One then makes a remark involving the victims and/or the crime, followed instantly by Horatio's perfectly timed, not at all clichéd, one-liner. He then leaps out of the frame using his red hair to blind the audience. The rest isn't really that important, except for the parts where Horatio talks, which is always important and dramatic.

[edit] The episodes

As CSI: Miami is actually a rip-off of Friends and Survivor, it calls all of it's episodes "the one with..." and whatever season it belongs to. An example would the episode of Season 1 about a detective's lesbian life partner committing a mass murder in New York. It was called ""1:3 The one with the intricate plot involving the cast of CSI: New York as they go to New York to find the detective's lesbian life partner who committed mass murder because someone told her that she smells like pig fat, initiating her killer instinct". (whew) The first season's episodes are as follows:

The Notorious Miami City Hall!

1:1 The one with the first episode of the first season (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
1:2 The one with the sprinkler (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
1:3 The one with the intricate plot involving the cast of CSI: New York as they go to New York to find the detective's lesbian life partner who committed mass murder because someone told her that she smells like pig fat, initiating her killer instinct (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
1:4 The one with the rubber ducky of doom (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
1:5 The one with the sprinkler's girlfriend (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
1:6 The one with the dead guy, who was murdered (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
1:7 The one with Chuck Norris (finishing with Chuck Norris putting on Horatio's sunglasses)
1:8 The one with Horatio searching for his sunglasses (finishing with Horatio crying a single tear)
1.9 The one with Horatio finding his glasses (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
1.10 The one with the musical about Horatio's glasses (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
1.11 The one with the book, film and video game about Horatio's glasses (finishing with Horatio's glasses killing him and leaving to lead a life in pornographic film)

Sadly, the scriptwriters couldn't think of anything else to write and were subsequently fired before they had a chance to make "The one with another cameo appearance".

[edit] Character's Problems

Most of the stories circle around the characters problems.

Horatio is played by Caruso, who was prepairing for the part for about 12 years. After ten years he finnaly managed to get the glasses off. But then something amazing happened. An angel appeared to him and bestowed upon him one wish, anything in the entire world could be his. He recieved the power of Say-all-the-cheesy-lines-you-can.

Horatio spent his childhood in the mountains of Nepal learning from fire demons (hence his obvious flaming GINGERVITIS). Whilst in training he learned the art of telepathy. He is a prodigy in this field. His mental prowess so intense he needs to wear sunglasses all the time to reign in his powers (much like that red eyed guy from X-men). When on a particularly difficult case, Horatio will remove these glasses, and bring his formidable mind to bear on his suspects' souls, which is the secret to his case-solving abilities. Unfortunately, due to the lack of lighting in the autopsy room, he has unknowingly fried Dr. Alexx Wood's brain, as seen in her constant stoned face-look... thing. He also spent his time trying not to get bumraped by Rambo in the Jungle in First Blood. However, he survived and developed Rigor Mortis in his anus, which is why he always bends his neck like a crane whenever he talks to anyone, or whenever he has the urge to sodomize Gordon Brown.

Ryan Wolfe is obviously a self-harmer after "accidentally" getting shot with a nailgun in the eye. There are many rumours circulating that he and Greg Sanders (from CSI: CSI) have been having an affair for the past four years.

Calleigh suffers from excessive use of ecstacy (explaining her constant smiling and incredibly annoying accent).

Eric Delko suffers from having a big mouth and jaw. No wonder he's so ugly.

Marisol Delko Caine suffers from breast cancer (real problem in the real series). She later suffers a sniper round to the chest, from which she has died a horrible death! YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Marisol gets owned.

Natalia Boa Vista suffers from seeing too many guys and being suffocated by having a thin waist and big boobs.

Antonio Riaz suffers from being Latino.

They don't give a f!@#ing sh!t about who died; they just want to find a friggin blood sample so that they can go get a promotion and spend it on easter bunny baby suits. Obviously.

[edit] Awards and accolades

While the cast of CSI Miami have been widely criticised for their lack of acting talents, critics praised the recent musical episode of the show, despite many fans seeing it as a sign the show had 'jumped the shark'. David Caruso even won the 'William Shatner award for Outstanding Vocal Performance by a Television actor'. Shatner himself compared Caruso's singing to his own in 'Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds', a classic widely regarded as the finest version of that song yet performed, a high compliment indeed for Caruso.