CSI: Swansea

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search
The proposed logo designed on MSPaint by Andy Warhol
The proposed logo designed on MSPaint by Andy Warhol

CSI: Swansea is the first United Kingdom based spin-off of the “popular” television franchise CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, aimed at increasing the numbers of UK viewers. It is due to begin filming shortly, on location in Swansea, and in other areas in South Wales. It is due to be broadcast on BBC3 in the United Kingdom, and on CBS in the United States.


Contents

[edit] Premise

The show is due to have a similar format to the other CSI Series, in that the crime team will solve seemingly implausible crimes, in an unbelievably short period of time and performing duties beyond their station.

The main difference (other than the country) will be the range of technology available to the team. As they work in a poorly funded unit (as is common in Wales), they receive very limited equipment (the first case is solved exclusively by use of magnifying glass and violent interrogation). Producer Jerry Bruckheimer believes this will give the show a “realistic gritty edge, that is so evident in British crime … we also hope to distract from the crappy soccer.”

[edit] Funding

Originally to be a joint effort between UK CSI broadcasters Channel Five and CBS set in London, the project was temporarily suspended after Five were declared bankrupt, after buying too much foreign tat, cheap porn and old programs that no-one is interested in. Keen to carry on the project, Bruckheimer approached BBC Wales, deciding they had too much money for their own good after watching an episode of Sci-Fi documentary Torchwood. The two companies reached a compromise, re-locating the program to Swansea, the second city of Wales.

[edit] Title Music

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer stated:

   
CSI: Swansea
We wanted the series to use local music, to really capture what Wales is about, something modern that would appeal to American audiences, but something that would give the show its own gritty identity.

Then we realized that contemporary Welsh bands were shit so we took the cheapest Who Song available

   
CSI: Swansea

Title track “I’m a Boy” can be downloaded at many different websites.

[edit] Characters

[edit] Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins

Evans: Hoped to inject grit and realism to the show.
Evans: Hoped to inject grit and realism to the show.

Head of the CSI department of Swansea West Police force. Was ordained as a priest before God informed him of his duty to solve crimes in the Swansea area. He has frequent conflicts with his faith, and with his superiors (mainly over securing funding for his unit.) He has a certain air of mystery surrounding him that seems to go hand in hand with heading a CSI unit. He also has an unnerving habit of making witticisms regarding death, murder and other morbid subjects.

   
CSI: Swansea
We envisioned Jenkins as a riddle wrapped in a mystery surrounded by a puzzle … wearing a mask and a false mustache … shrouded with confusion, by a stranger … ending in a question mark. We first approached Anthony Hopkins, for the part, but he sent the script back to me covered in his own excrement. We were also turned down by John Rhys Davies, Ray Winstone and Timothy Dalton. We were disheartened at first but when a door closes, a window opens. We are now positive we have the right casting in Lee Evans. He brings the grit, and the seriousness needed for a role of this stature.
   
CSI: Swansea

[edit] Dr. Audrey Portcullis

Dr. Portcullis is the Forensic Pathologist for the team, specialist in autopsying the dead. She is a feisty, vivacious woman, whose sarcastic jibes often have the team “in stitches”. She has a latent, overt sexuality, that no-one would expect of a women who works in the morgue. She and Dylan frequently have “moments”, causing Dylan to question his devotion to God. The most recent of these occurred at the celebration of her 61st Birthday. To be played by Ruth Madoc.

[edit] Detective Huw Griffiths

Griffiths is a hard-working man, and doesn’t tolerate fools gladly. He works hard to get results, and isn’t satisfied if he doesn’t get his man. His hard line and bigoted insults can make him difficult for the other members of the team to interact and work with. This hard exterior is seemingly a ruse covering for deep poetic vulnerability, only accessible by a woman’s touch. Was brought up on a farm, and is the team’s agricultural crime expert, being able to fingerprint any domesticated animal. His brother is notorious local cattle smuggler Danny Griffiths. Huw investigates Danny’s crimes in his free time, aiming to put him inside before he retires. To be played by Richard Coyle (using that silly Welsh accent he did in Coupling).

[edit] Detective Nerys Blackhand

Church is lined up to play socialite spy Blackhand. The character will be a stretch for her, as she can't act
Church is lined up to play socialite spy Blackhand. The character will be a stretch for her, as she can't act

Blackhand comes from the rich side of Swansea, and uses her upper social class contacts to gain leads on local drug dealers and pimps. Her privileged upbringing often causes her to be slightly out of touch with the everyday man on the street, and so she is often reserved for cases of similar social stature to hers. She moonlights on weekends as a City Hall employed garbage collector, to rebel against the oppressive fathering of her mother, the Mayor of Swansea. Charlotte Church is in negotiations for role (hopefully she will take the part, as it may prevent another album).

[edit] Detective Mario Wang

Mario has the intensity that only a minority sidekick can have. He is the teams pinnacle of cool, continually positioned on the cutting edge of style and finesse. He unfortunately suffers with Tourettes Syndrome, with occasionally hampers his interview technique. Has an incredible knowledge of vintage baseball cards, made even more incredible by the fact that baseball cards aren’t available in the UK. Part to be played by Clive Prosser.

[edit] Detective Vanessa McAyreshire

She is the team’s paranormal specialist. She is hardly used. Jenkins continually fights for the termination of her post so the team can have a bullet proof jacket each, as opposed to their current one on, one off system. She knows very little about crime or scientific practice (which is fortunate, as neither do the audience), and so commonly needs to have details explained (which is also fortunate). Part currently not cast.

[edit] Constable Jack Llewellyn

Ceredig plays Jack Llewellyn, ex-pimp turned cop
Ceredig plays Jack Llewellyn, ex-pimp turned cop

The constable often accompanies the team to the scene of the crime, and often makes biting sarcastic comments that aren’t really appreciated by anyone. Has bettered himself by becoming a police officer, relinquishing his former job as a kingpin pimp/drummer for ill-fated pop rock band Catatonia. Colleagues from his past often appear at the centre of investigations, and commonly make his life difficult. Hampered by a wife and two children, who are unaware of his former life, and is continually embarrassed by his step-sister, who is a former reality television star. To be played by Huw Ceredig.

[edit] Guest Stars

Henson will play an idiot. This part is not expected to be a stretch for him
Henson will play an idiot. This part is not expected to be a stretch for him

Gavin Henson is set to appear in one episode as absolute idiot. Tom Jones is also in negotiations to appear as paedophilic crime boss. It's also expected that Rhys Ifans will contribute to the series, but likely in a catering capacity.

Further cast details are so far held under wraps.

[edit] Episode Details

Thus far, only eight episode scripts have been released for press consumption:

The Pilot: Ironically, the victim, is a pilot found after a run-in with a moving propeller. But was it an accident?

How Red is My Valley?: A sous chef is found in a bloody gut-pile at the bottom of a traditional Welsh Valley. But was it an accident?

Die Dai Die: A man is found impaled on one of Swansea’s famed Three Cliffs. But was it an accident?

The Implausible Link: A thrilling pair of cases, that require link ups with CSI departments across the Atlantic. But is it an accident?

A Child’s Killing in Wales: A child is found dead in a playground. But was it an accident?

Skin Town: A woman is found dead, flayed to the bone. But was it an accident?

The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill, But Came Down … Dead: A man is found dead, alongside a revolver with his ex-wife’s fingerprints on it. But was it an accident?

Dead of Heaven: Three religious studies students are found dead in their dorms, with a blood stained dagger and a confession in their communal kitchen, signed by their previously convicted cleaner. But was it an accident?

Personal tools
projects