Calculator
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“By pressing down a special key, it plays a little melody.â€
~ George W. Bush on pocket calculator
Calculators are know-it-alls who can compute large numbers in their heads very quickly. Calculators are also tools that people use to compute large numbers in their heads very quickly.
The invention of the calculator is the single worst best thing that has ever happened in the world. Calculater, unaffectionately known as a "thing that adds", is man's ultimate downfall. This device which includes numbers was unmistakably almost mistakenly made when Einstein was conducting an experiment for the recording of visual pornography. He was to invent a product in which he called the internet, to be free for all but now idiotic companies are overcharging us. The calculator was invented in 1975 B.C. by Bin Liu, Chuck Norris, Caboose, Chairman Mao, the Mexicans, Chuck Norris to be used to electrocute wrongdoers. He soon replaced his trusty weapon with the round-house kick, and the calculator sat on shelves collecting dust for years.When some guy found it and came up with a new use for the calculator, he came up with MATH. These early calculators promoted the use of Math.
Math has destroyed the earth. Without math and calculators, there would be no world hunger, no AIDS, no conservatives, no Amish, no Oprah, and lots of weed! In late 2003 President George W. Bush decided wage war against the calculator industry. He prepared the army, navy, and air force for a massive strike on the world's leading manufacturers of Weapons of Mass Calculations (WMC). Then he found out Texas Instruments was the world's leading calculator company (Axis of Evil). Using his logic, he determined that they couldn't be all that bad; they had Texas in their name! So I guess we will have to wait until 2008 for a non-Texan president to attack Texas Instruments.
Gamers should take caution; their school-approved gaming devices may not be approved after that. It's important to understand why calculators were invented in the first place. But simply, many mathematical operations are not impossible without calculators. It is not possible to add, subtract, multiply, or divide fractions without the use of the calculator; no human being knows how to perform those operations. Furthermore, the multiplication of two numbers each with more than two digits, as well as the operation of long division, is too great a strain on the mind of any mortal creature. Fortunately, most seemingly intractable science and engineering problems can be solved with aid of lyric poetry.
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[edit] 710.77345 and 0.553
The two numbered corporations 710.77345 Ltd and 0.553 Inc control power to much of the world’s calculator supply. These corporations have been instrumental in lobbying the Bush administration to keep the pocket calculators on the market and to invade Iraq for its oil. The owners of these companies are still unknown, as attempts by CIA operatives to determine the code have been foiled by their holding the calculators the wrong-way around.
[edit] Operations
Most calculators operate via buttons in the interface of the calculator itself. Although advanced calculators use a/c to operate, simpler, basic calculators use solar energy to run. This renders all calculators obsolete during hours of darkness, as most in midnight math competitions find out the hard way. To prolong the life of the solar cells, one could shut down a calculator with the 'multiply+divide+on' strokes. The 'multiply' and 'divide' keys are depressed simultaneously, and the 'on' key is pressed subsequently. This shuts down the calculator. There is great dispute about who and where this keystroke was developed, but most experts agree that it was developed in South Australia prior to the Hot War of 1991.
Here are several buttons on a calculator and what they do...
Sin - Tells you how many sins you have committed so far.
Cos - Gives you a chance to explain why you committed them.
Log - Burns a log in frustration of how much God hates you for your Sins.
Tan - Gives you a suntan. If you have too much Sin though, it Tans you in Hell
Ln - Calls Ellen DeGeneres from anywhere in the universe.
MATH - Does Math
DEL - Depending on your model, either deletes the last character or you're getting a Dell.
7 - A number that frequently appears on calculators but doesn't exist yet.
ZOOM - Allows you to go faster when driving your speed boat.
Graph - A typo of the word Giraffe.
x2 - Twin Brother of x1, but knows it's a whole 1 better.
[edit] Secret Operations
It is common knowledge that, due to the Y2K bug that engulfed the world in the year 2000, the government has the ability to turn all calculators into SCUD missiles and blindside their enemies. A special calculator lays deep beneath the Pentagon awaiting its commands. As of yet, it hasn't been fired.
It is not well known, but the song in the Mazda commercials that repeats "zoom, zoom, zoom" is really a secret key combination that when entered does absolutely nothing.
[edit] Early Pornography
Within seconds of inventing the first calculator, someone had typed in 58008618, turned the calculator upside down, and announced he was looking at big boobs. Moments later someone typed 5407708, and the world of electronics spiralled into a den of iniquity.
[edit] Power Source
A well known phenomenon is the practically inexhaustable power supply embedded within all calculators which often allows them to outlast the life of their users by an order of magnitude. It is rumoured to be derived from the processed and uranium enriched blood of Pythagoras. Attempts have been made to channel the power from a calculator for other more nefarious purposes with varying success. Applications include cybernetic terminators, toasters and night lights. Athletes have also been known to enhance their performance but consuming the juice of crushed calculators. This has the alarming side effect of fourth-order Gaussian constipation, but fortunately is a problem which can be worked out with a pencil.
