Calculus
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- This article is written by people who don't know shit from shinola. To see a bunch of nerds making funny ha-ha, see vector calculus.
Part of the Uncyclopedia series on Misery:
- Depression
- Pessimism
- Fear
- Pissed
- Suicide
- Apathy
- Give a shit
- Emo
- Hamlet
- Torture
- Death
- Hell
- Quitting
- Internal audit
- Calculus
“You're welcome.”
~ Sir Isaac "Fig" Newton on Calculus
“Calculus is like bringing a hooker back to your hotel room, only to find out that the hooker is a big hairy guy with multiple felony convictions, but the guy won't leave without you paying, so you figure you might as well make use of his services... and then he rapes you, steals all your money, and leaves you blindfolded and handcuffed to a radiator blowing steam in your face.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Calculus
Calculus is the worst thing ever created by man or beast. Invented sometime in the 18th century, it represents a culmination of hatred toward high school students. There are ten types of Calculus so far: Pre Calculus, Boring Calculus, Hard Calculus, Really Hard Calculus, Weird calculus, Hand Waving Calculus, PowerCalculus (which is obtained only after drinking Powerthirst in RAWberry form) and Really Hard, Really Boring, Weird-as-Fuck Calculus, the deadliest of all the calculi, followed by God of Math.
Before the invention of algebra, calculus consisted of coloring in the area below the line, or measuring the slope of the line, or making lines... oh hell, I don't know what it consisted of before Algebra. Although your parents say they took Calculus before you did and didn't whine about it, it was entirely Pre-Algebra Calculus. Just ask for help with your homework, you'll see. What I'm trying to say is that your parents are retards (no offense). The original use of calculus (which is still used today by some), was to test students for the capability of practicing ritualistic Satan worship: By forcing students to stay up for hours unended, and show no signs of lack of sleep, and also "think outside the box", it was possible to find those who would be able to take part in night-long Satanic rituals. Calculus is still used today in this fashion by sadistic teachers who hope that you fail anyway. Gawd! I HATE CALCULUS!
Contents |
[edit] Pre Calculus
Pre Calculus was the form of calculus used in prehistoric civilizations, such as those at Kush, Mesapotamia, the Tigris-Euphrates River Valley, Edinburgh, and Quebec. Pre Calculus largely consists of "divining", a primitive method of deriving using sticks, bones, or reeds. Other Pre Calculus methods include courtship rituals (chest beating, heavy drinking, etc.) and the use of "ug" as opposed to "variables". A well-known Pre-Calculain variation on the mathematical term QED is "eh?"
Pre-calculus is not so much a branch of calculus as it is a ruse to make new recruits believe that Calculus is easy and safe. This however is not true, as the dive into calculus without previous training will result in death via anal prolapse. This instance of anal prolapse is referred to as "This Subject Is Fucking Pointless" by various medical experts. It is estimated that 561,432 individuals have fallen victim to "This Subject Is Fucking Pointless" yesterday, more than all of the deaths in all of the world's wars in the history of the Earth combined. Pre-calculus consists of a rudimentary survey of the two principal principles of calculus:
- Differentiation - The ability to tell, or differentiate, one quantity from another. You've been doing this since kindergarten and it's really easy, so it lulls you into a false sense of security. You'd better get an A+ in differentiation if you want to survive failing integration and pass the course.
- Integration - Taking expressions that have been convicted of complexity crimes and reintegrating them back into numeric society. Here's where the trammel starts closing. Differentiation was solid rock, whereas integration is better compared to tiptoeing along a zig-zagging bridge a decimetre wide perilously suspended over lava as hot as the surface of the sun. There is no one-size-fits-all formula for integration; sophomore calculus students can be seen wandering the halls of The Complex, scratching their heads like monkeys and cramming long lists of case studies into their brains, each of which applies only to a narrow class of calculus crime. Maverick integrals, if not properly restrained, can easily turn violent. Anyone by the name of Eric Chang may seem good at this shit version of easy calculus, but when introduced to its harder branches his head will explode.
[edit] Boring Calculus
Boring calculus is what you get when you take the "sexay" out of "calculus". Basically, boring calculus was the first version of calculus invented by "The Stig". Boring calculus uses not only every number ever conceived, but also every letter. AND you have to double check your work. AND the math teacher hates you.
[edit] Hard Calculus
Hard Calculus is so difficult and abstract that the only way to do it is to not do it. It generally is successful in confusing dumb high school boys, who only think with their penis and populating white paper recycling bins with large amounts of crumpled-up notebook paper.
However, a person who has mastered Hard Calculus (commonly referred to as a 'nerd' or a 'geek') can use it to seduce high school girls attempting to understand the delicate balance of the concepts within. The aforementioned 'nerds' or 'geeks' often employ techniques of hand-waving calculus to proportionately increase their sex appeal. Asians are good at Hard Calculus.
George Bush is said to have mastered differentiation. He can now tell the difference between an apple and a chair. But just barely.
[edit] Really Hard Calculus aka "Asian or John Eckhart Calculus" aka "Mindfuck Calculus"
Really hard calculus was invented immediately after the inventor was struck upon the head by a falling cinder block accelerating at 9.81 meters per second squared downwards. This new paradigm surpassed the difficulty of hard calculus to such an extent that the only people capable of comprehending it are those in a state of being struck upon the head by falling cinder blocks accelerating at 9.81 meters per a second squared. This is a particularly rare occasion, because the force of gravity actually causes objects to accelerate at a rate of 4.12 nanoparsecs per hour squared (aviordupois). In order to achieve the necessary rate of 9.81 meters per second squared, one must threaten to rape gravity until it converts its units and speeds up. Generally these prophets of insight use language like "theta", "implicit differentiation", and "Holy shit, that hurt!"
[edit] Weird Calculus
Weird calculus is that made by G33kz who think that infinitely small and infinitely large things exist. They even think these things are so real that they call these things "hyper" real. Compare these people to a princess trying to feel an infinitely small pea through an infinitely thick pillow.
[edit] Hand Waving Calculus
Hand waving calculus is concerned with pretending that bad arguments are sound. This is the most important part of calculus. Often, hand waving calculus will use words like trivial and obviously in an effort to intimidate the other party. It is a subset of a branch of mathematics called "proof by intimidation" and "mathematical interpretive dance". HWC, as it is commonly known, consists of dozens and dozens of methods to distract the other contestants and force them off track. For example, a famous Calculus Contest between Dr. Hiknowasha and Dr. Tekinishi ended in a draw when Dr. Hiknowasha, being in fact a round eye in disguise who had no idea what he was doing, distracted Dr. Tekinishi by drawing him into an endless discussion of anime. When the HWC maneuver worked and the contest was over, Dr. Hiknowasha had already escaped.
HWC consists of very long explanations and numbers. The most commonly used number in HWC is "a bazillion", which, in fact, does exist on the first Tuesday of every month.
[edit] Fundamentalist Independent Theorem of Calculus
The Fundamental Theorem of Calculus is that math is hard.
It is summed up by this formula (considered the funniest item of nerd humor):
[edit] Fractal Calculus
This branch of calculus first appears in Star Trek. It is the greatest math course that you can ever take. Here is a example problem. Robby always does his calculus at the BK Lounge but doesn't give a holy shit about Dr. Majoras's fucking physics test because he's a slimey tongue swirlying slopping fat ass mother fucker w/ a shitty toopay.
Now you must solve for X
Ans: Who the Fuck knows. Obviously not me. Who would make something like this, this equation serves one purpose only, to confuse the fuck out of anyone who dares to read it.
[edit] Calculus Examples
2. The rate at which Oscar Wilde walks around your mom's bedroom while filming pron can be modeled by the function 
with 
being time in gallons. If 
, model his his position in the room as a function of time, . Use the space for your name provided. Explain your answer to the teacher using sockpuppets and the dream method of communication.
3. Mars moves at approximately 300 miles an hour in an elliptical orbit around the sun. If every window of your house is facing South... then what color is the bear?
