Calcutta

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“They leave me breathless. Even Communist China has embraced Deo, why don't they?”

~ Mao Tse Tung on Bongolis

“Oh! Calcutta!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Calcutta

“Calcutta will take your breath away”

~ Pollution Control Board on Calcutta

“The black hole of Calcutta? Oh, I know him well...”

~ Noel Coward on Calcutta

“I live here.”

~ Some guy on Calcutta

Calcutta is the 'Venice of South-East Asia' during the monsoon.

Largest city of Bengalibabu, East India - its name originally signifying "The Cremation Ground of the Goddess with the Nice Bottom" - Calcutta was the capital of the "British Raj", a well-known madman who ran a tea company.

The modern-day city has two levels. Above ground hoverpods take stockbrokers to work and a vigorous trade in Raj nostalgia flourishes. Below ground an army of lepers works to extend the religious power of the unaccountably famous and wrinkled Albanian Mother Teresa.

It is estimated that Calcutta's most numerous exports are guitars, mostly shipped over the Chinese Wall for Calcuttan youths to use as weapons in their mating rituals. The oddest thing about these guitars is that one may be a first-class instrument and the next absolutely unplayable.

It was not ever thus. Once the textile industry of Calcutta gave its name to the fabric "calico", a fabric or textile named after its place of origin, which I forget.

Another well-known sight is the bicycle rickshaw, often pedalled by rickshaw-wallas so advanced in years that they can only continue to work because any decent person will get off and walk.

Oldschool Calcuttans, distinguished by their compulsive worship of the Great God Rabindranath, frequent the part of the city known as College Street where, used and reused opinions are sold at black market prices on the pavements under dusty fluorescent bulbs. This intellectual ferment is said to be due to extreme humidity and the overpowering smell of fish.

Calcutta also has the distinction of manufacturing the largest percentage of poets. All Calcuttans who can read and write any of the forty-three vernaculars spoken there will attempt to write at least once in their painfully long lives. The ones who can't will remain disgruntled and eventually join the Red Comrade Brigade that rules the city.

The last characteristic feature of Calcuttans is their maniacal obsession with sports. At a large central field, dedicated to the ghost of Queen Victoria, horse races are held in her honour: this will soon be declared a World Heritage Site because it provides jobs for at least half the city's population. An international cricket match once every four-and-a-quarter-years signals widespread hysteria throughout the metropolis and the city congregates under the leadership of His Royal Maharaja Sourav Ganguly III to throw seasonal vegetables and mineral water bottles at the visiting teams.

But modern Calcutta is a thrusting, go-ahead tiger economy of flashy boulevards that only happens to look as if someone dropped Victorian Halifax on India and then dumped its municipal rubbish heap on top.

[edit] Language

Most Calcuttans believe that they speak Bengali. However Calcutta's men folk spontaneously speak a different language when in the company of another men folk. This language is really a dialect of another language whose name I no longer remember. The dialect itself is called "Tscho Dna!". The unique thing about this dialect is that it has a very large number of loan words from different languages of the world. The following is a sample list of vocabulary from this dialect:

Beau Katscho Dah (French - good friend)
Khan Kird-Im (Mongol - omelette)
Chu Dirb High (Chinese - Manchurian Bastard)
Bunch ode (Punjabi - )
Lao Dah (Lao - a long rod)
Gud marani (Anglo-Latin - Good morning)
Gud e panu (Maltese - Good afternoon)
Gud nai (Thai - Good night)
Rain Dee (Scottish - ex-girlfriend) 
Gahn Dew (Hungarian - generic term for a respectable person, most commonly used for father, teachers, uncles and other elderly folk.)