Calendar signing
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Microseconds after the first Gregorian calendar was invented, solar date loving fans across the world began to organize their first calendar signing events. The practice continues today and is probably best exemplified by the efforts of Scottish football teams, for many of whom actual league performance takes a distinct second place to the signing event.
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[edit] History
Early attempts were doomed to failure, as people stood around waiting for the calendars themselves to begin signing things. Realizing the pointlessness of expecting inanimate objects to display enough creativity to manage such a thing, most participants soon gave up. This is however still the preferred method for fans of Scottish rugby side Hearts Of Kaunas, amongst whom the pursuit of creativity is not encouraged, and the entertainment level generated by 400,000 people standing in a room perfectly quietly doing nothing exceeds anything to be found on a typical match day.
(Please note, Hearts 2007 signing has been canceled due to a lack of a suitable venue. Hopefully someone down at the new Tynecastle Cala homes development will be persuaded to give up their front room for the afternoon.)
[edit] What goes into a signing
Other calendar signing fans moved on however and it was not long before the events took the typical shape we know and love today.
An ordinary football team signing event requires the following:
- 12 (or more!) footballing mercenaries
- several tables
- an assortment of marker pens
- some impatient moaning fans (surely you mean loyal club devotees only looking for their due? - Ed) each clutching their magical glossy booklet of dreams
- a girl band or two
- At least 100 security guards. If Prince or Michael Jackson is there, 1,000.
- a giant vat of jelly for the purpose of naked wrestling
- a world famous physicist
- the odd philosopher, and of course...
- a selection of soft drinks.
[edit] Present Day
The most famous event of recent times was, of course, the 2006 event organized by Hibernian football club. Superstars were gathered, the orange juice was poured and carefully positioned. Devoted fans were assembled and marshaled, passing before their heroes in a quiet reverential hush. Copies of the TV Times were carefully checked and double checked. Boring fans readied their anecdotes. A young boy steadied his nerves waiting for his dream to be fulfilled. Carnage ensued.
[edit] Where will the future lead?
The 2007 Hibs signing will take place amid security not seen since the G8 summit meeting in Calendar, Scotland. Expected attendees include:
- Girls Aloud (the ginger one will have a sack on her head)
- Ghandi (only if there's a free bar)
- Sir Roderick of Petrie
- John Collins's sixpack
- The Jolly Green Giant (presenting a writ for infringement of copyright)
- Spiderman
- The premieres of Vietnam and Japan (both the same person)
- Dreadlocked footballing legend Jimini Boco
- Stephen Hawking(s)
- Stephen Hawking(s)'s wheelchair
- R2-D2 (only if he can be kept away from Hawking(s))
- God (looking for that coveted Zibbi Malkowski signature!), and
- a selection of overexcited bores who will spend most of the evening giggling and asking each other nonsensical questions for reasons known only to themselves.
Hibernians team of crack calendar signers for the event has not yet been revealed, though we've got two transfer windows to go before then anyhow, so I wouldn't get your hopes up on anyone in particular being there. Particularly not if his name's Whittaker. Just having twelve players on the books by December will be good enough for most fans.
