Calgary Flames

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The Calgary Flamers are a professional Homosexual Street Gang playing in the National Hellraising League in Calgary, Canada. Their home arena is the Pencancerougsrowth Saggerdome.

[edit] History

[edit] Unfortunate Years 1971 - 1980

Beginning life as the Atlanta-Not-Thrashers-Yet in 1971 'cause the WHA was blingin' on Nassau Crib an the NHL wuz all like "Nuh-Uh dog!" and busted a cap in their ass by crashing a plane full of hockey "players" into the home of rag-weaver Roy Boe who decided in bloody, dying delirium to make them a team and call them the New York No-WHAs. They were named after a very good fire that many hoped would destroy Atlanta altogether but alas failed to do so.

The team earned its trademark of never making it more than one round into the Playoffs every year before being entirely wiped out by drive-by shootings immediately following the final game.

[edit] Half-Decent Years 1980 - 1985

After coming to the stunning realization that dumping a hockey team on an American city that never asked for one might have actually been a bad idea, the city of Atlanta was bought by two hobos wandering through Calgary in exchange for a pair 'o sammiches. Fortunately for all of Canada they just ripped out the team and left the rest of the dying mass to fester.

In their first year the Arsonists murdered and burned their way to a 1505-2-5439 record for eleventieth place in the Drunken Irish Division, before reducing the Chicago Meaningless Apologetic Gestures and Philadelphia Thugs to ashes. However as the City of Calgary ran out of oil in 1981 they could only inflict 3rd-degree burns on the Minnesota-Not-Wild-Yet in the third round of the playoffs before freezing to death outside the Stampede Corral.

[edit] Death To All Years 1986-1990

Not much happened here. Oh, they mashed the Montréal Québécois in the own arena for the Stanley Cup for the first time, ever. The Québécois relocated to the Bell Centre shortly afterwards as the Forum now eternally smells of smoke.

[edit] Half-Indecent Years 1991 - 2003

One cold summer 1991 night, a truckload of Maple Leafs rolled into town and kidnapped Dough Gilmour and four other players no one not from Calgary remembers. Because of this, the Leafs actually won one or two games of the 1991-1992 season and the Arsonists were handed just two more losses than usual.

[edit] 2003-2004 Season

After killing off most of the San Jose Pufferfish and stealing goaltender Mikka Kiprusoff in the process, the Arsonists proceeded to boil the Vancouver Canuckleheads in their own Pacific Ocean, grind the Derelict Red Wings, re-murder the backup San Jose Pufferfish squad, become Canada's Team, singlehandedly remove President Paul Martin from office and cause mass quantities of bras to fly off many of the more (and less) attractive females in the city, the Arsonists won their second Stanley Cup by grounding the Tampa Bay One-Hit-Wonders in six games with a late third-period goal by Martin "Terminator" Gelinas. The Saggerdome's roof then finally fell in and turned the entire Tampa team into a mushy paste.

[edit] 2004-2005

The NHL closed down due to lack of icemaking machines, which had all been diverted to local casinos to fuel the alcohol-inspired Poker revolution that sucked up the airwaves and made fat Internet geeks popular for sitting on their asses all day in front of a computer.

[edit] 2005-Present

The Calgary Arsonists continue to dominate in the NHL, repeatedly scorcing their archenemies the Edmonton Oil Puddles in criminal massacres. Players such as Jarome Iginla along with his wife (thanks to Canadian marriage laws) Dion Phaneuf, Harvey the Hound, the ghosts of Lanny McDonald and Joe Nieuwendyk, Jamie McLennan and Not-Martin-Gelinas proudly continue the tradition of running out of gas in the first round of the playoffs.

[edit] Famous Players

• Lanny McDonalds
• The fry guy