Caligula

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Caligula, contemplating taking <insert name here> up the wrong 'un

“I'd like to thank my parents, my breeder, my producer, and Jupiter for making this day a reality.”

~ Caligula's horse on its appointment as Consul

Gus Julia Seizure Augustus Gloop, or Caligula was, contrary to popular belief, a compassionate and loving emperor. He was born in a whorehouse, during a dark and troubling period for historians. Despite this, he was universally adored by all of Rome, especially by his sisters, the wives of senators he didn't like, his thirteenth cousin, Tiberius, and some guards who accidentally killed him in a very violent and bloody pillow fight.

Caligula was a nudist. Despite his otherwise gentle personality, Caligula simply would not allow anyone to wear clothes in his presence. This gave rise to the phrase "putting on the Caligula." This behavior distressed his uncle Tiberius, who punished Caligula by making him sit in time out for ten minutes!

A traumatic incident in Caligula's early adolescence caused Caligula to become anorexic. Because he was so beloved, no one could bear to comment on Caligula's wasted, skeletal frame. Instead, his friends and family were often heard to utter remarks such as, "Caligula, why don't you have some of this lovely pudding?"

Unlike other Julio-Claudian emperors, many of Caligula's personal belongings have survived the ravages of time. Scholars have speculated as to the cause of this anomaly, but it remains a mystery to this day. The most significant of these surviving relics is a collection of paper doilies, which is currently on display in a small museum in Montana.

[edit] Crazy things Caligula did when he was Emperor

Made his horse, "Peekaboo", a Consul!
Ordered his legions to collect seashells at the Gaulish coast due to not being able to invade Britain! He later gave them to his sister, and she sold seashells by the seashore which went a little way towards dealing with the massive strain her brother was putting on the imperial treasury
Made a sex with men! With other men! imagine!
Told blue jokes in front of ladies!
Got his wilbur out at the gladiatorial games and made a gladiator kiss it!
Took a shit on the senate house floor in front of the astonished senate!
Drove a chariot without due care and attention!
Denied the existence of global warming!
Built a bridge from Italy to Sicily at tremendous expense, then lead a nude conga over it! Twice!
Raped every single person in the empire five times
Gave exclusive imperial powers to his horse while he was having the world's first colonoscopy, most of which he enjoyed
Got stabbed to death by several angry soldiers!
Fucked children and babies!
Murdered and sexually tortured thousands... lucky bastard!