Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
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“You can shoot people with guns”
~ Captain Obvious on Call of Duty 4
“You know, I invented Call of Duty 4, heck I am Call of Duty 4”
~ Gene Simmons on Call of Duty 4
“Call of Duty allows me to send hundreds of men to their deaths”
~ George W Bush on Call of Duty 4
Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare is the latest instalment of the Call of Duty franchise, proceeding Call of Duty 2 and Call of Duty 3: The Hunt for Hitler's Gold and the popular cross-over title Call of Duty: The Search For Spock By January 2008 it had sold tens of copies, outstripping its main first person shooter rival - Call of Duty 3. It was developed by Infinity Ward and features a single-player campaign, a multi-player including leader boards, and a sadistic arcade mode where players are awarded points for how many democracy-loving freedom fighters they can brutally massacre by either stuffing them full of bullets and defecating on their corpse or ripping them apart with knives or blowing them up with missiles that cost more than some countries entire GDP. Bonuses are awarded for splattering their innocent brains pulp-fiction style so the blood lust of the tyrannical Special Air Service and US Marines is satisfied.
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[edit] Story
An oppressive dictator in the Middle East has been overthrown by popular demand and democracy restored. The player, as either the US Marines or the SAS, are tasked with occupying the country in a greedy, morally corrupt quest for oil. The action takes place in a variety of locales, such as the first level where you execute a group of aid workers (on their way to deliver Christmas gifts to under privileged children) on board a merchant ship because Captain Price (your deranged mad-man of a leader) FUCKING FEELS LIKE IT, THAT'S WHY. On the way you're joined by token black man Griggs and a baby killer called Gaz. Once you've completed the story mode and thereby securing the oil fields the 'Mile High Club' option is made available on the mission select screen. Disappointingly, this doesn't involve ploughing a slut in an airplane toilet but instead has you hijacking the thing, strangling the pilots, and planting a bomb in third class.
[edit] Gameplay
Please note the prostitutional reference in the title, you will need it for the end of this paragraph.
The playable characters are Sergeants 'Soap' McTavish (named for his habit of dropping the soap in public showers) of the SAS and Paul Jackson of the US Marines and as these two your main objective is to shoot quite a lot of people with big ass weaponry, and then shoot some more people, and probably some bystanders as well. You can do this sitting on your ass for hours at a time by pressing the same buttons repeatedly because you're a sick mother fucker in need of help. The game introduced the revolutionary concept of shooting people who are moving slightly and shooting people who are a bit higher than you are, although the best new feature is the ability to sprint. However, because the human body has not evolved sufficiently it is totally impossible to shoot people and run at the same time, so far a way of moving your feet and pressing a trigger with one action of your finger is too mind-blowing to contemplate. Sometimes you are threatened with tanks and other artillery, but crucially they all have a massive weakness to shiny yellow buttons and are driven by people who think it's a good idea to not bother doing anything when surrounded by smoke. This game is not to be confused with Call of Duty: Modern Whorefare, in which the player earns a living on the streets as Madonna
[edit] Weaponry
Players are also afforded a large variety of weapons to smack the shit out of people with. The main weapon in the game is the grenade, expert technique is to throw them one after the other in random directions, a suitable secondary is the grenade launcher as this can be used to counter the enemy who are also skilled at chucking endless grenades. Assault rifles and machine guns are rarely used as the player is often too busy dodging grenades and/or throwing grenades. Regardless a number of guns are listed below.
- Shotgun - come in two versions and have the range of an archer with one arm. This weapon is known as the "noob tube"
- Light Machine Guns - such as the RPD and the SAW, take several minutes to reload. Also known as the 'noob tube'
- Sniper Rifle - Useful if you can avoid being obliterated by air strikes and helicopters or being stabbed in the back by someone who saw you on his UAV. You can't by the way. With the exception of the grenade, these have the longest range. Also known as the 'noob tube'
- Assault Rifle - Best suited to medium and long range where you might have an opportunity to shoot people tossing grenades. These types of weapons have a reputation for being 'noob tubes'
- Submachine Guns - An example being the MP5. Not worth using because they don't have grenade launching capabilities. People using these guns are known as 'noob tubers'.
- RPG - Handy for knocking down helicopters. Unfortunately, helicopters target players with the RPG first, so try cooking a grenade, preferable for more than 4.9 seconds instead. Helicopters can be taken down effortlessly if a couple of people unload a few rounds with a light machine gun, but this is too much effort.
- Grenade (also called Grenada, Frag, or Gregovitch) - Though not technically a gun, it is responsible for 99.9% of all kills and is definitely worth mentioning * Noob Tube Really good fun to piss people off as you can kill them when they spawn. =D Only used in hardcore search and destroy as people abuse you because they don't respawn.. Useful Perks, Rpg, Slight of hand and steroids
- Claymore (also know as SPISHGAAAAA!!!!) is a small rectangular grenade used to blow people up who run past them. They also have a reputation for being incredibly gay and sometimes lesbian
[edit] Multi-player Overview
The multi-player concept of the game offers an opportunity to enlarge your e-penis. A player can rise to a higher rank based on his or her performance, points are awarded for kills and for completing challenges such as downing somebody with a returned grenade, a cooked grenade, or by getting more than one person with a single grenade. As you progress, weapons and upgrades are unlocked - like the Frag Grenade X3, Martyrdom (letting your body spill a grenade when you're killed by someone else's grenade) and the higher explosive damage, the latter of which is useful if you intend to throw a grenade. Which you do. There are various game modes to take part in:
- Headquarters - This involves professional soldiers killing each other over a laptop that will probably be out of date by next year. These laptops should be the focus of your grenades, the action often takes place in the small area around the laptop and therefore offers intense close-quarter grenade chucking.
- Domination - A game mode which disappointingly isn't as kinky as it sounds. Three bases are dotted across the map for you to capture and should be the focus of your grenades.
- Team Deathmatch - Shoot anyone who isn't your colour, you racist bastard. The enemy should be the focus of your grenades, a grenade launcher is recommended if you're losing because counter-grenade tactics might be useful if you're being annihilated by grenades. In this the first team to reach 750 points wins, or until the host gets too annoyed by frequently dying to grenades and disconnects. The goal is to piss off the other team soooo bad that they do not want to fight you any more.
- Free-for-all - Shoot anyone. The middle of the map should be the focus of your grenades though any random area should be equally effective. Just throw them! And be sure to watch your back because people may sneak behind you and impact-kill with a grenade, the knife is rarely used in these situations. You can kill anyone, anyone... you sick bastard.
- Sabotage - The game mode in which teams kill the crap out of each other to obtain a suitcase bomb so they can blow up a pile of portable missile launchers. Since soldiers aren't that bright they put a timer of 30 seconds allowing the enemy time to defuse it. The bomb starts off in the middle and should be the focus of your grenades. It is fairly common in this game type for 12 year-old kids to plant the suitcase after being horribly mutilated many times by superior players. On some occasions this futile attempt succeeds and the victors hurl verbal abuse and profanity down the microphone.
- Search and Destroy - Similar to sabotage but only one team gets the bomb, the other must defend two objectives. Soldiers killed don't respawn until the next round and is the only mode where everyone gets a free tent so they can camp all game long. Since there is no way of telling where the enemy is, the focus of your grenades should be on yourself to save your enemy the trouble of having to kill you. However if you feel like it you can spin around in circles flashing your night vison on which essentially looks like a bad episode of the x-files featuring infidels.
- Old-School Free-for-all - Similar to Free-for-all except you have a zillion times more health and everyone starts off with highly poisonous creature as a weapon. You're also able to jump twice as high which noobs believe can save you from certain death. Oddly enough, grenades are not always one hit kills, but throwing them randomly is encouraged simply because you have nothing better to do with them.
- Hardcore Team Deathmatch and Search and Destroy - follows the rules of the regular counterparts above. The difference is that you have a zillion times less health and friendly fire is enabled. The primary focus of your grenades should be at your teammates cause they can't kick you and it's funny.
- Ground war - Pointless game type that is basically Team Deathmatch and Domination, only instead of a reasonable 12 players, there are 10 BILLION. Expect to die roughly 100-240 times during Ground War.
- Cage Match - Often used for noobs to get free headshots to obtain golden weapons. Really boring but Golden guns possess supernatural powers such as instantly setting anyone ablaze with one shot.
[edit] Create a Class Option
This is unlocked when you reach the Rank Level 4 'Novice of Grenades' In addition to your standard loadout of weapons you're allocated three slots for perks, which make it easier to defeat your opponents and mark you out from the other players. These perks are listed by slot number.
Set 1: Support Weapon Perks
- C4 - Throwable pack of clay that explodes. A bright blinking light often gives away its position.
- RPG - You receive two rocket propelled grenades; grossly underpowered.
- 3x Special Grenades - Allows you to carry three Stun or Flash grenades. No Smoke grenades though because that would be just plain silly. These are effective in blinding your enemy to temporarily prevent them from throwing grenades.
- Bandolier - This option upgrades your soldier's intelligence making him think of going into a battle with extra ammunition (doesn't help with the can't fire while sprinting though).
- 3x Frag - Really a glitch and it is the source of frustration from those who do not have it.
- Bomb Squad - Lets you call in some members of Al-Qaeda to take care of your enemy; grossly underpowered.
Set 2: 'Perks to extend your life' Perks.
- Stopping Power - This perk is by far the most common, as it is the only perk that actually has any use. You will find that 98.7% of players have this perk, the rest are noobs who don't know any better.
- Juggernaut - Increases your health and angers veterans who expect players to drop after four shots.
- Sonic Boom - Converts your grenades into thermonuclear warheads. By far the most popular perk.
- Sleight of Hand - This perk converts your character into a heroine addict, allowing you to reload at extremely ridiculous speeds. This perk is useful when used with light machine guns
- Double Tap - Allows you to harass the waitress/waiter with twice the pleasure; greatly underrated.
- Overkill - Another intelligence increasing perk that convinces your soldier that another primary weapon i.s better than a pistol (though being a COD4 soldier, you leave the pistol in the locker room).
- UAV Jammer - Summons a magician who renders you invisible on enemy radar; only for noobs.
Set 3: 'Those annoying perks designed to get cheap kills' Perks
- Extreme Conditioning - Uses steroids to keep a soldier running for more than five steps cause we all know military fighters are not in the greatest shape.
- Deep Impact - Allows for further penetration. No female soldiers,only men, making this perk pretty useless.
- Steady Aim - Helps you prevent shooting like a handicapped child from the hip.
- Last Stand - Allows you to pistol-own people before dying and you can even stab someone in the shin (killing him instantly) and gain temporary invincibility while you switch from standing to Last Stand mode. This transition period often causes an enemy to run out of bullets and reload.
- Martyrdom - Shit out a cooked grenade when owned by someone else's grenade. Highly recommended for pissing off veterans and pretty much everyone.
- Iron Lungs - Transforms your body into an Autobot so you no longer breathe, lets you snipe-own all those kids with human lungs.
- Dead Silence - Instantly kills you so you make no more noises.
- Eavesdrop - Lets you listen to the productive and team focused chatter of the enemy. Otherwise, the bulk of players are witty, articulated individuals.
Even if you are a noob, don't worry! COD4's ranking system is based on experience, so there is absolutely no penalty for sucking... except more suckage.
[edit] Teamkilling
A great way to make friends and not get banned from online servers. Just follow these simple steps and you'll be the most popular kid on the internet!
- Step One - Create a class with the perks: RPG X2, Sonic Boom, and Martyrdom
- Step Two - Change your screen name(If possible, if not skip to step 3 genius)
- Step Three - Join a "Hardcore Search and Destroy" game, join the team with the most players, switch if necessary
- Step Four - At the beginning of the round, whip out your RPG and aim it at the mass of soon-to-be corpses
- Step Five - Pull the trigger, and watch the fireworks
- Step Six - Enjoy a warm glass of whiny, foul-mouthed, up-past-bedtime, 10 year old's tears
- For all you visual learners out there that are too simple-minded to read anything other than a poorly written page on Uncyclopedia, here is a video tutorial: Call of Duty 4: How to teamkill
Don't ask questions, just do it.
