Calpol
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Calpol is a hard drug commonly used by primary school children, often leading to a life of vagrancy and hideous addiction to the substance that precludes death by the age of 12. It is also used as a performance enhancing drug by athletes, most notably chess, tiddlywinks and Swedish Orienteering And Firing A Rat From A Cannon. It is a halucinagenic drug that makes you feel like you are an omniscient flying tree transforming itself into a nuclear fusion reactor.
Contents |
[edit] Discovery
Calpol was discovered by TV's favourite past-time children's scientist Dr. Alan Pascoe in 1902 when he was picking berries near Millmoor, the stadium of his beloved football team Rotherham Lackadaisicals. After many experiments, each more maniacal than the last, he found that by mixing bologna sausage with the berries and 25 million grams of sugar, he could create a sweet tasting drug that could probably kill. It was named Calpol (for a reason that Dr. Pascoe refused to disclose) and also led to Dr. Pascoe's new favourite word to be "Baloney!" which he likes to shout at random intervals. At first the new drug was used by factory owners to get their slaves addicted to coming to work, but later it transpired it had mystery medicinal properties curing illegal child slaves of various terrible illnesses ranging from rabies to cooties. Dr Pascoe disliked both of these, and so declared that Calpol was good.
[edit] Medicinal Uses
Initially Calpol was discovered to be a cure for explodingpancreasitis and for babies unsettled by the ball bearings in their lower colon seizing in 1865. After additional medical trials in 1873, it was discovered to be able to cure smallpox, snailpox, wild bisonpox, cholera, toe cancer, appendix tumours, chronic masturbation, rhubarbtoid arthritis, crupe, amputated legs and jingoism.
During the 1960s it was prescribed as a cure for homosexuality, however this was not backed up by medical fact. Such prescriptions acted as a placebo and as a result many people became addicted to Calpol, most notably Cliff Richard.
[edit] Side effects
Although it was successful at curing these endemic illnesses, it had the unnerving side affect of making kids have bad trips and 6 year-olds beginning to develop scruffy sideburns and wear ridiculous purple flares.
If these sides effects weren't bad enough, the drug was often cut with spinach, rhubarb and brussels sprouts, having an effect more commonly observed with heroin. Scores of children became desititute and lived on the streets resorting to petty crime and begging for their next hit of Calpol. Calpol is banned in 13 countries, but still legal for anyone pretending to be Oscar Wilde or his pet anthrax spore in the United Kingdom. Otherwise possession carries the penalty of instant death by moving to Herne Bay and 2365.45 blows by a whip with barbed wire tied to it.
[edit] Criminalisation of Calpol
It was Boudicca who first lauched a War on Calpol on 1887, followed by other Prime Ministers Thomas the Tank Engine, Chucky from Rugrats and Gary Neville Chamberlain. Current PM Gordan Brown has promised to sort out the ever growing scourge of housing estates being overrun with 3 year old calpol addicts ruining the lives of innocent working people. However, it is thought he too has a major calpol problem ever since he had a fried bottle of Calpol when his local chippy in Glasgow ran out of Mars Bars, although it is believed he has received a few slippery backhanders from Calpol Mafia Ltd, the cartel running the calpol racket to make sure they keep their grubby mits on the lucrative trade.
[edit] Sinister use of Calpol by politicians
As a result, Calpol is often thought as a state sponsored instrument of repression, used with the blessing of the powers that be to sabotage popular movements that undermine the ruling class. The most infamous use of Calpol was during the Miners Strike in 1985 when Margaret Thatcher allowed the Calpol Mafia Ltd. to work with MI5 to poison the miners. Arthur Scargill had his grog spiked with calpol which led to him having a bad trip during the Battle of Orgreave where he streaked in front of the police with The magenta grass is plotting to kill me with a combine harvester tattooed on his arse. He was later arrested when he was later caught copulating with a police horse.
Calpol has also been linked to the poisoning of the 1981 Eurovision Song Contest judging panel which allowed Cheryl Baker to rig the votes in favour of Bucks Fizz. This was cited as a critical moment in the build up to the 1982 Falkland's War as Argentinian General Leopoldo Galtieri had £400 on the German entry Lena Valaitis who came second.
[edit] Calpol as a Performance Enhancing Drug in Sport
[edit] Tiddlywinks
Calpol was first discovered to be a performance enhancing drug in 1912. Duke Oswald Mosley-Frottage of Bummingley had the inaurgrial Mid-Somerset Tiddlywinks Championship title taken off him when he was found to have Calpol in his hipflask, and not super-strength B&Q Paint Thinner as he had claimed. Thereafter, the sport has been plagued with various Calpol cheats.
[edit] The Swedish Orienteering And Firing A Rat From A Cannon Championships
Another noble sport rendered forever tainted by drug abuse has been Swedish Orienteering And Firing A Rat From A Cannon. Once considered the most pure and incorruptible of all sports, in 1998 Lars-Birger Bårstäd was banned from competing for life after he was found to be 10 times over the legal limit and the rat he was firing was dead before detonation after it drowned in its own vomit after a horrendous trip.
[edit] Football
Bolton Wanderers FC are another famous bunch of Calpol cheats. When they were managed by Erich Honecker, former East German dictator, he proscribed that each player should intake 2 bottles of rhubarb and horsefly flavoured Calpol a day to give them that extra boost to beat teams like Swindon Scoutshut, Chorley Girls School and Penistone Paraplegics. They were eventually caught when they beat Walthamstow Masonic Lodge in the FA Trophy 34th preliminary round in 1993.
