John Calvin

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Best friend of the stuffed toy animal Thomas Hobbes, with whom he performed in the vaudeville duo Calvin and Hobbes. He has suffered of hiccups for the last 4 years.

[edit] Life and Times

Calvin was born Jean Chauvin, because of his unwavering support for Napoleon, to Bill Chauvin and Jeanne Watterson on 10/10/1523. It was whilst reading Imaginary Friends at the University of Paris that he developed his famous intergalactic exploring alter-ego Spaceman Spiff. He was mortal enemies with his former babysitter Pope Rosalyn VII. After interfering with the Pope's phone calls to her boyfriend, and leaving her out in the rain, Calvin developed serious ideological differences with Pope Rosalyn. Calvin's main argument for his new direction of Christianity was that "girls had cooties", this is what we refer to today as Calvinism. Calvin spent a number of years on mars after he and his trusted assistant Thomas Hobbes toy trailer to fly there, but found it boring and began to miss their parents and flew back home.

Calvin was also

the inventor of Calvinball
founder of a religious boy band called the Calvinists
discoverer of the Calvin cycle in plants
founder and dictator-for-life of G.R.O.S.S (Get Reformed, Oh Slimy churcheS – Calvin thought the "Slimy" in G.R.O.S.S was redundant, but without it it didn't spell anything)
a major figure in Protestantism
president of the United States
Secretly in love with Susie Derkins
famed user of the transmogrifyer, which he used to transmogrify into a reformation era christian theologian
the Pwn'er of Michael Servetus.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Calvin.

In the mid-1990s, Calvin and Hobbes got into a fierce debate about their epistemologies, but both were soon presumed dead following the Noodle Incident in 1995, and, thus, no side gained any ground. Contrary to popular believe John Calvin did not invent Calvinism; it was invented by Theodore Beza. If you weren't such and uneducated Philistine, you would have found the previous statement to be hilarious because its true.