Calvinball
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“Dammit! Those Sexually Suggestive Dance Zones get me every time...”
~ Socrates on Calvinball
“That's enough for today, bitch. Get back in the house.”
~ Your Mom on Calvinball
The only game in the world in which the rules are forever changing and non-existent.
Occasionally credited to Bill Watterson, but actually invented by John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes during the Glorious Revolution in the fifteenth-and-a-half century. The singular rule of permanence is that it cannot be played the same way twice.
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[edit] The following rules are subject to be fixed or dismissed by any player(s) involved.
- All players must wear a Calvinball mask. No one questions the masks. Questioning of the masks will result in an immediate and painful flogging.
- Any player may declare a new rule at any point in the game. The player may do this audibly or silently depending on what zone the player is in.
- A player may use the Calvinball in any way the player see fits, ranging from casual injury to self-reward.
- Any penalty legislation may be in the form of pain, embarrassment, harassment, or other abasement the ruler deems fit to impose on his opponent. Any penalty legislation that is not enforced will result in an immediate and painful flogging.
- Flags shall be named by players, whom shall also assign the power and rules which govern that flag for a particular moment in that particular game.
- Whenever a player is required to sing, he will do so without complaint. Reluctance to sing will result in immediate flogging, or being hit with a Calvinball.
- Score is unimportant. In the event that some score is required to be kept, it shall have no bearing on the game whatsoever nor shall it have any logical consistency to it. (Some recorded scores in history include "Q to 12, BW-109 to YU-34, Oogie to Boogie and Nosebleed to Trousers.)
- Feel free to accompany Hobbes on the "Rummatumtums"
- The winning player shall be the first player that wins. This has never happened yet, but good luck!
- Any points gained are to be rubbed in the other player's face.
- There is nothing wrong with sentencing another player to death, as long as "the sentencer" has a method of executing the sentenced.
[edit] The Field of Play
The Calvinball Field should consist of areas or zones, which are governed by a set of rules declared spontaneously and inconsistently by players. Zones may appear and disappear as often and wherever the player decides. Zones are frequently named for their effect, such as Opposite Zones, or Pernicious Poem Places. This also includes the ever-popular, Get On Your Knees and Work It Zone.
- The Zone of Lawlessness
- The zone of lawlessness, the only permanent fixture in Calvinball, is sometimes as large as your imagination... or as small as a pixie. The rules of Calvinball, grammar, spelling, syntax, physics, and economics stop applying in this zone. There is no escape once it is entered, and no return once exited...
- Get on your knees and work it Zone
- Anyone in this area shall immediately get on their knees and work it under pain of social death. Also you are not allowed to ask what "Getting on your knees and working it" is.
- The Disappearing Zone
- Be careful, or the zone may blink out of existence.
- The Zone of Disappearance
- Anyone caught with the ball in this zone will promptly disappear upon pain of flogging.
- The Zone of Humiliation
- Similar to the "Get on your knees and work it Zone", however it is now considered a felony. Uh, and you have to do it naked, bitch!
- The Pole of Opposites
- Once touched by either the player or the ball, every point gained by either player goes to the player opposite them in terms of personality.
[edit] Types of Points
Calvinball has at least thirty types of points that can be gained during play (or even after play is finished). Calvinball points can be gained or lost 5 years after play, and can be cashed in for prizes.
- Ghost Points
- Ghost points can only be gained when neither team is paying attention, and can sneak up on players when they're not looking.
- Talent Points
- Once the talent portion of the game has begun, each player is rated on their singing abilities by 1 - 5 judges.
[edit] Calvinball Equipment
Professional Calvinball competitions can sometimes include as many as 2 pieces of equipment. Amateur Calvinball includes 47 different types of masks alone and can last 25 years in some districts.
- The Mask
- The most important part of the game is the mask. Without a mask, Calvinball would be completely fucking pointless.
[edit] Historic Matches:
- c. 0
- In the inaugural grudge match, Adam defeated Eve by duping her with a talking snake into the "damning enlightenment zone". Guest referee, God, was so shamed by her lack of foresight, he damned the entire feminine race with childbirth, periods, and (in a famous example of his acclaimed forward-thinking) an intrinsic predetermination towards inequality.
- 300
- Taking place long before the recorded date, this was perhaps the largest ever recorded game of Calvinball, involving some gazillion Persians pitted against 300 under-dressed and overly confident men of SPARTA. Approximately 2.7 seconds into the match, Spartan team leader Mufassa invoked the "slow-motion rule", much to the amusement of his Persian opponents who immediately slaughtered the slow-moving Spartans by blotting out the sun with the Calvinball. The final score of the match was erased from the history books, but folklore indicates that the Spartans came back to win the match in triple overtime.
- 1927
- With only seconds remaining in the game, the English score 13 ghost points on the Americans by using time-fracture wickets to give them another two hours. This is an amazing feat, as the wickets are only available when a player sings the Calvinball Sorry Song while activating the "X2.27Q Wrestle Zone" rule.
- 1938
- In a match notoriously remembered for its banality, Joe Bloggs and John Doe forged a bat-and-ball version of the game between teams of nine players. Perversely, this game became extremely popular, and has survived to this day, popularly known as Baseball.
- 1944
- Germany gets humiliated by the Americans who get their phantom third baseman home by singing the Calvin national anthem (a play that had not been used in over 150 years). Adding to Germany's humiliation was a comment made by the American cheerleaders: "Is that your bulge? We thought it would be bigger. Tee hee."
- 1969
- Neil Armstrong becomes the first man to play Calvinball on the Moon, outsmarting opponent and fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin by chanting an immunity poem (see:One Small Step) and planting his flag, automatically earning himself 144 Elephant gnuts and claiming the Rank of "Duke of Ham Sandwich". Some debate the legality of this play, questioning whether Armstrong was wearing his black mask under his space helmet, but Armstrong has silenced most of their criticisms through clever use of "Jinx!".
- 1975
- In one of the greatest upsets and finest games in recorded history, Team Belgium, captained by the enigmatic but lovable Yasser Arafat, defeated the heavily favored Team Argentina, coached by Alexander Hamilton to win the World Cup. Team Belgium opened the game by sneaking their flag underneath the surface of the earth using a complex series of levers, pulleys and South Africans. By utilizing this secret weapon, and shutting down the Argentine offense entirely by trapping the majority of the strikers and whippers on the team behind the dashed Duran Duran line, from which none of them could fathom immediate escape. By the end of the first half, Belgium had leaped to a 5J4-F2 lead. However, at the half, Arafat pissed off one of the South Africans, Charles Manson, who immediately defected to the opposing team. Hamilton and Manson began navigating the team to narrowing the score in the third quarter, opening it by raising a series of zombies, who slaughtered many of the South Africans. Also, the Belgians failed several opportunities in the Hot Wheels trials, enabling the Argentines to come back and drive the score to 5.3HW8-R2S late in the fourth. However, Belgium still held the lead, and, after strategically placing several cupcakes across the fields and temporarily distracting the Argentines with a series of streakers, Belgium regained the momentum and went on to win the game by the final score of Q.99F4-R8T.
- 1983
- The North American Calvinball Team of France gangs up on the Grateful Dead in a brutal, but memorable, game of Calvinball. The Grateful Dead got off to an early lead, up by a gagillion flags, after some terrific drum solos by Jerry Garcia. However, the NACTF comes back with a series of muffin-tosses which tied the score up at twelve. In the third half, after lunch, the NACTF pulls away by tricking Matthew Broderick, the Dead's head swimmer, into the infield fly rule. This gave them an insurmountable lead, a few gorilla forwards, and a free coupon for a hot air balloon ride. The final score: Eleventy-one to Threeve.
- 1984
- Due to blindly stumbling into a temporal foretelling zone, George Orwell predicts the onset of Republican control of the united states. The result was a future score of God to ethics in favor of the republican party, contributing to permanent doubleplusbad with excessive bush
- 1990
- Rage v The Machine. In a matchup that lasted some ten years, the tenements of capitalism are called into question several times - and managed to kick-start the career of film-maker, Michael Moore.
- 2000
- Thomas Hobbes and John Calvin gang up on Bill Watterson to get revenge on Bill for stealing their idea. The score was IZ345 to RR.J.394.~ when the Y2K bug showed up and did some voodoo spells, causing all player's hands to be replaced with giant atoms. In the pandemonium that ensued, the entire country of Thailand was destroyed, rebuilt, restored, rebuilt, and moved several yards to the west, with each citizen's fingernails inexplicably growing 1.45 mm.
- 2000
- The Regional heat between George W. Bush, and Al Gore was considered controversial by many commentators. It seemed as though Gore had won through 'free and fair' means, but Bush called him up on a technicality. Since the 'free and fair' means had already been used (by FDR in the forties), it was deemed an illegal move, and Bush won by default with his usual score of "W". He is now reigning champion and the only challenge to his supremacy seems to be from AOL Messenger, which has already gone some way to defeating Bush's entire team.
- 2005
- Farzad Himmel sets the world record for fastest achieved victory in a Calvinball match, by declaring his personal failure near the Pole of Opposites, thus thrusting him skyward towards instantaneous and undeniable victory at the record of 6.28 seconds. Controversy has developed as to the legality of this play, but everyone has agreed to settle down provided nobody pull this stunt ever again. By that same token, over 500 attempts have been made since that fateful game to "Pull this stunt again," all of them resulting in the disembowelment of those involved.
