Camden leisure pirate

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This article may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Don't change a thing to remedy this.

“I have nothing to declare except that I am a bad-ass Camden Leisure Pirate.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Camden Leisure Pirates

The original Leisure Pirate. And a man with a mustache.

The Camden Leisure Pirates are an unorganised rabble of lazy, useless but stylish ladies and gentlemen. Their founder was Vince Noir and his mysterious mustachioed sidekick. They do not strictly follow the five pillars of pirating.

Famous Camden Leisure Pirates have included Withnail, the tough guy from The Breakfast Club, Oscar Wilde and Gandalf the Brown. The most famous of all Leisure Pirates, Superman, was influential in the downfall of the Lesbian Party.

They are not to be confused with Pirates of Leisure.

[edit] The Stylish Ways of the Leisure Pirate

A Camden Leisure Pirate requires a selection of tools to complete his almost non-existent work:

Leisure Pirates are British, but sometimes Black.

A trench coat or leather jacket
A cape or poncho
A fashionable hat
An unusual alcoholic beverage, such as lighter fluid
Carol Vorderman
a beautiful owl called Peter
The most recent Kings Of Leon album

[edit] Political Views of the Leisure Pirate

The Camden Leisure Pirates are Alcoholics and will vote for whoever buys them a drink. This does not happen often however, because they unwittingly live in a Monarchy.

[edit] Superman, the Leisure years

Superman always wears a cape or a poncho.

After orphaning himself by suckling too hard on both of his parent's teats, Clark Kent joined the Society of Drinking Hobo's. He was taken in by Leisure Pirates when they found him murdering policemen for their mildly intoxicating pepper-spray. It was then that Clark first donned his cape, and became a fashionable gentry of the London streets.

Clark Kent was knighted by a Queen, as a Knight of the Royal order of Dirty Ragamuffins at the age of 17. This meant nothing, and was just a ploy by a homosexual to initiate intercourse with Clark. Clarks's young adult life or leisure years were taken up mostly by walking to and fro down the Camden High street like a poof. He took the nickname "Long John" in reference the famous Pirate and his tendency to only wear blue long johns under his cape.

At the age of 28 it was revealed to Long John that the current leader of the Leisure Pirates, Lex Luther, had stolen one of the Chaos Emeralds, otherwise known as Kryptonite. At this time Long John did not have an allergy to Kryptonite, only a mild aversion to the colour Green. The theft was the talk of London town, and all British knights were expected to track down the thief. Long John, believing he was a knight, betrayed the Leisure Pirates by bitch-slapping their leader, Lex, in the face. Thus the rivalry between Lex and Long John begun. His allergy to Kryptonite began when he sat on a Chaos emerald, releasing ancient majicks into his intestines. This makes no sense, but such are the ways of Majick. It was then that Long John took his hero name, Superman, which is Dutch for Emerald-Buttsex-Pirate-Man. The correct pronunciation is Shu-ber-maahn.

One time in an epic battle between Good and Evil, Superman flew around the world and turned back time in order to escape conscription. He found himself face to face with God, otherwise known as Chuck Norris, in the Sixteenth Century. What went on is one of the world's greatest unsolved mysteries, but the Lesbian Party was destroyed, and Nazis took over Mars.