Camel
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“Even the best of camels only have two humps. I think we like to call that premature ejaculation.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Camels
“Why do they call camels 'Ships of the Sea'? Because they're full of Arab sea men. ”
~ Real Jesus on Camels
~ Camels on Canada
“Their humps, their humps, their lovely little lumps! Check it out! ”
~ Black Eyed Peas on Camels
“It is hard to get to heaven by putting a needle through the eye of a camel”
~ God
“I once smoked a camel, but then she kicked me in the nuts”
~ Dick on Camels
“Tastes like chicken! ”
~ Dick Cheney on Camels
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[edit] Recent Studies
Once thought creatures of the penis man, Camels are in fact old men who have refused to be circumsized. Also a new study seems to show a possible relation between Camels and the Late Cretacous dinosaur Tyrannosaurus Rex.
The modern Camel (camelus pyramidalis) is an inhabitant of pyramids in the desert.
The voice of a camel sounds somewhat like Mooepp depending on the situation. But camels can produce much more violent sounds, especially if you try to smoke them. If you do this their reactions will be varied depending where you are relative to the camel. If near their head, they will kick you. Hard. It won't feel good. If you are near their rear end, however, they will spit on you. The safest place to attempt to SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP a camel is next to it, but there is a chance it will explode. The most desirable part of a camel is its toes, which are said to have secret mystical properties, especially in Jaqan.
They like eating thorny bushes, skins or flesh as well as tents, sandals and towels. Also, they won't reject human food. When in very bad condition, they will even eat zombies and other undead food.
It is important to note that camels do generally not care about human plans when deciding where to go. Some times the elusive "camel toe" can be seen. It is also well noted Jesus was half- Camel.
[edit] Types of Camels
[edit] Palindromedary
A breed of two-headed Camel, so named due to their curious resemblance to Michael Palin. Presently extinct. They were most commonly found on the Iberian peninsula. Crude cave drawings depicting Palindromedaries being hunted by Stick figures were discovered in 2003 by a pair of Danish archaeologists on holiday, who promptly swore themselves blue in the face that no, they had not been drinking, and the drawings were not in red crayon. Subsequent radiometric dating proved that they were in fact in crayon, but had been drawn 4,057 years in the future. It is speculated that Palindromedaries were vicious spitters, in part because of their affinity for chewing tobacco.
[edit] Acetobactrian
The "two-assed" camel of Atlantis. According to fossil records, the appearance of Acetobactrians predated Palindromedaries by at least the better part of a week. Their reproductive habits are unknown at this time, however it is strongly suspected that mass migrations from Atlantis to seek out chewing gum and parking meters were involved. Curiously, these camels also seem to have developed an early form of publishing which primarily consisting of marking territory by impressing "Foot Prints". While this form of private press was readily available to camels through the latter part of their history, there are no known masterpieces of Camel literature. This has led to speculation that most camels were in fact illiterate.
[edit] The Modulocamel
At times when it gets very hot in the desert, a herd of camels will split into two groups (a well known fact). But the purpose of this is not to divide the roasted human riders fairly. What really happens is that certain subtle and mostly neglected differences in anatomy are getting attention.
To make this work, both groups need to be of the same size. Otherwise this might cause riots that lead to fractions (eg a quarter of a camel lying around somewhere, etc.). And that's where the modulocamel enters the game. Actually, the point is that the modulocamel does not enter the game. It just stands there and waits quietly until it is over.
If a herd does not own a specially trained modulocamel in this situation, a hard fight will begin. In most cases some animal will take over this modulo-function, concerned about keeping the number of ordinary camels in the herd even (as well as the number of his own legs). It will then be protected because the modulocamel is not divisible any more. It is just the sad remainder.
[edit] Endangered Bald Camels
The Bald Camel population has been in serious decline since the early 1990's due to an increase in hunting across the Western world. Thousands of males (and the occasional female) have wiped out whole populations of camels in their desperate desire to access the fabled bald Cameltoes, which are said not only to have magical properties, but also to be easier to eat than their hairier equivalents. Widely known for their humps- where the juices found in their humps are used in foot massageing ointment. Enthusiasts are known to trade pictures over the internet of Cameltoes being eaten.
[edit] CamelCase
Not related to the Pascal case. Convenient place to store such feminine items as kittens, root beer, and Australia.
[edit] Camel, the English rock band
Like many bands of the 1970s, Camel's accumulated earnings are rather less than one night's gate revenue taken by their tribute band, Two Humps.
[edit] Camel Lights
Camel Lights are a breed of Camel that were manufactured in the nineteen fifties U.S.A as a backlash against the Camel prodigy of the old U.S.S.R. However, they did not accomplish the goals of their birth and the twenty or so "guinea pigs" were released into the wild. These new "Camels" were incredibly virulent and adept at stowing away in Luggage and quickly populated and spread across the entire Globe (only two countries in the world are known not to have Camel Lights within their borders). It is just as well that very are incredibly fertile as, despite being carcenogenic, they have many predators. These "Camel-Light-Feasters" take many forms, but predominently they are hunted by those associated with the arts and the unemployed (studies have recently shown that the two are loosely correlated).
[edit] Camelus Particus
These camels are well known for being anorexic, partying ,drinking pinacoladas while wearing smiles, and singing the famous Black Eyed Peas song "My Humps"
[edit] Controversy
Recently a sextape of the famous Dutch asshole Osama Bin Laden ass fucking a camel was leaked onto the internet. When asked about the tape Bin Laden replied, "Praise ALLAH DURKA DURKA!" fired a 12 shots at the interviewer then ran back into his cave. President Bush was also asked about the tape in which he replied, "WOW! am I relieved; I thought it was my mom."
Camels are also contreversial for their use of transporting weapons of mass destruction, suicide-bombers, and tourists who are willing to pay a lot of money to ride one.
[edit] see also
[edit] Weblinks (not a kind of camel)
- For more research, there is the famous German Kamelopedia
